I feel she’s slightly narcissistic in that she must feel she deserves to have the A or anything else she wants! We basically have our boy’s 3-days each per week alternating the 7th day, I wanted a week each but she “couldn’t be away from the boys for that long”.
As for having her back with open arms I feel I’m showing her through my actions that that boat’s left port but do feel the 180’s and detachment coupled with my realisation that it will be EXTREMELY difficult to RC is emitting an atmosphere where she’s now picking up I’ve finally let go.
No plan B no turning back – done.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings but eventually it's getting easier and time is a great healer, I’ll continue what I’m doing as you quite rightly mention its what’s best for me. Finally some peace…
Thanks.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Current situation – Been detaching much better, come to the point where I finally understand what’s going to happen is going to happen irrelevant of what I do.
Once she knew she was going to get no information from me the conversation turned towards the predictable D talk, I again mentioned that I could not and would not stop her from filing but would not do this myself. I can’t remember how but I recall a comment she said AFTER this conversation where she said “I can’t go back to the MR after what I’ve done to you” I remained calm and confident and just evaded the comment knowing she was temperature checking me.
Mark,
That's a big one. When I realized there was nothing I could do to change my sitch total detachment was not far behind.
Great awareness of the big time temp check. She wanted you to say "no honey we can overcome this and put it behind us".
Be careful with the mind reading on how often the OM is at the house. Blending two families is difficult and they are probably just settling into needing time apart.
Your doing great and are going to be fine either way!
What I am learning at the moment from the mindfulness stuff is that the mind has to "learn" to get to that state of acceptance (through the way it processes thoughts) and I guess this applies to everyone's sitch and being at piece with the current situation. Well, I never thought a year ago I would be typing stuff like that. So good on you Mark!
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Feeling down tonight, WW turn to have the boys for the weekend but we do each have them for a few hours. After just said goodbye to the boys once WW picked them up I was called about half an hour later by her TELLING me that she will keep the boys until a certain time on Wednesday, I did everything wrong. It is hard for me to let go of the boys when I know where they're going and DR'ing went straight out of the window and I let her have it.
I feel this was due because she TOLD me what was going to happen even when it's my turn to have them! I couldn't help but vent and it didn't go well.
I later text her saying I was sorry and why it happened to no response but feel totally s#!t am surprised how hard this has affected me after all the good work I'd been doing lately.
Help! How do I move forward?
Feeling lost Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Well, the classic "get up, dust yourself off, move forward" comes to mind.
You are allowed to be frustrated when she walks all over you. In fact, you should be. Don't let minor slip ups set you back just make sure all your venting to her is regarding the visitation schedule and the boys wellbeing.. And about that, do you not have a written agreement that she is legally bound to respect?
When I made the schedule for my girls, (which I made 100 % without any input from XW who had nothing to add), every little thing was considered so we didn't have to argue (well we still do, but I just refer to the agreement and end of discussion). XW thought she could wrap me around her little finger for eternity. She is finally, 10 months later, starting to get it.
Get something in writing Mark, is my advice to you.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
We have no contract between us regarding visitation of the boys just a rota I outlined in a previous post.
What I’m doing basically is trying not to escalate anything regarding legal matters (divorce, financial or the children) for the time being as I am quite obviously standing for my MR. It has only been 9-months since the BD and 7-months since we separated, I have a timescale on when I will look at the above but feel it’s too soon yet.
Instead I intend to forget about her and the A and just get on with my life, GAL and enjoy the time I have with my boys. I feel the episode last night was more down to respect and her lack of it than anything else and a combination of me holding everything in for this period of time. I must learn to vent here and not on the phone to WW!
I was surprised how I felt after this happened, I felt like it set me back 5-months and all the good work I had done was for nothing. I have to look for the baby steps and improvement for example I was out overnight again this Saturday and again when WW dropped the boys off to me on the Sunday she asked “was it a night in town last night?” Why would she be interested in what I’m doing?
Again this weekend I intend to hike the Yorkshire dales (great this time of year) and again be away overnight, this has meant a change to who have the boys and what started the “conversation” yesterday.
Still haven’t let go to my surprise but will keep trying. Back to basics…
Thanks.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Could I ask all your thoughts on reminding the WS there is a continued hope in RC the MR from the BS and they remain open to working on making the MR better than before?
Do you feel there comes a time when this would be a good thing to do?
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I can only give you my thoughts on it. Please see below:
I will never pursue or bring up our MR to my W ever again unless she starts the conversation first. She would have to make the first move and when I get weak, thinking about breaking down, I always remember her speech to me when she first BD. I don't love you, I am not attracted to you......etc. I won't put myself in that position again to feel weak and give her some control over me.
That advice from Mark is perfect. Don't pursue, let W come to you with anything involving the relationship. It's up to her to pursue you at this point.
