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Last edited by Cadet; 08/18/17 12:03 AM. Reason: Link

DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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Park......my W and I are separated and I really only see two options.

1. I file and see if that wakes her up and I would only do it if it was truly what I wanted.

2. Gal, detach, etc. life your life and really in a nut shell wait it out. People don't like to call it limbo and if you can get to the right mindset it's probably not however in reality your still waiting. Semantics in my opinion.

I think everyone has different levers to pull based on their Sitch. Some it could be separating, some it could be the lbs filing for D, others the WW wakes up. I think the point is to save yourself and whatever happens with you W won't matter. I think all of us want our families back together however it takes 2 to make that happen.

I personally have accepted that my marriage is over, that happened the moment she walked out the door.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Park,

I agree with Joseph. At the end of the day the WW has to see that what she is losing is better than what she is hoping to gain. In my sitch I am competing as against the influence of OM, potential OM who are interested in being ON who are giving advice (Even though they habe their own W.) Two bff who are cheating on thwor own significant others. And at this point I just don't feel like I should be competing with people who obviously ain't sh*t.

And prior to the A, W would have recognized this in all these people. It's honestly probably going to take my W seeing me with her replacement for the fog to finally blow away. Knowing my W she'll probably go into panic mode at that point. My W in any circumstance has to learn the hard way and this situation will not be angy different apparently.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
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You asked about my relationship status. Honestly, it feels like we are in the stage after piecing, but I hesitate to say that because I don't want to get complacent about the need to continually improve as a spouse.

My situation was very different from yours. There was no affair, and my husband and I never stopped living together, although he went so far as to look at apartments online and come up with an asset division plan.

I followed DR. I credit it with helping me change, but obviously my husband deserves the bulk of the credit for our M status, because he chose not to leave.

One thing about your sitch. You say you don't pursue, but haven't you also told her you will always be there for her? That's pursuit.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Rose,

I made that same mistake with my W initially in my sitch. Telling her that even after the MR, I would still be here waiting for her. Huge mistake on my part. Sure she wasn't the least bit impressed by that. Probably thought I was pathetic for saying that as well. Pretty sure she laughed with OM abiut that as well. Yeah I was a mess at the time. That is pretty much the pursuit that never ends.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
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I did the same thing......I think we all make those mistakes early on. I'm not sure anyone DB's immediately at BD smile. Live, learn and move on. Hopefully DBing is smooth sailing once we get our sea legs under us!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 253
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Parkema Offline OP
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Hi Rose,

NO I've never told her that ever. I just feel when she comes to interacting with me I should not push her away show her someone who is confident, happy who is just getting on with life.

Again being friendly and a safe place for her I feel is more conducive to re-establishing the MR R than being distant and almost accepting the A. I feel that her seeing me as a person who will be okay whatever the outcome and acting "as if" I know the MR can R (but never tell her) is more tangible than isolation.

But remember I'm not going to pursue this, I'm continuing to detach and work on myself, getting out and doing things with the kids and friends.

I just won't be "stand-offish" when she comes to talk as long as there is no mention of the A or her AP/LO. She need to respect that what she's done to me has consequences but that doesn't mean we can't interact with strong boundaries...

Until the AP/LO is out of the picture there will be no possibility of R I know this but don't blow the last bridge up from "fantasy island" be the lighthouse...

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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Parkema Offline OP
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Joseph,

It's not over until its over. I'll fight and then when I feel there's no more fight in me I'll continue for at LEAST another year...

Continue the fight.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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There are a lot folks on here that have been fighting for years and I admire them! I orginally told myself 6 months and then I would re-evaluate based on how I feel and my overall view of my sitch.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: parkema
It's not over until its over. I'll fight and then when I feel there's no more fight in me I'll continue for at LEAST another year...


parkema,

Like everyone else, I did all of the wrong things at first. But, after I regained my composure, I began to feel like I'd been treated very poorly for a number of years (I realized that's subjective). As time wore on, I felt very angry and I'd openly discuss my displeasure with my wife (eventually my ex-wife). I thought that I'd surely put the final nail in the coffin long before we were divorced.

A couple of weeks ago, she came to pick up our sons and she started spewing because the boys wanted to stay with me and she was very upset. At the end of her spew, she said, "And that's why I divorced you!" (That was a common thing for her to say to me, but I hadn't heard her say that for at least six months.) Anyway, my response was, "Thank you! You did me a favor." As soon as I said that, my ex-wife's jaw literally dropped. I've never seen her mouth open so wide.

Her jaw-dropping really took me by surprise. I thought I'd literally done everything a person could possibly do to tell someone "no way no day" will I ever get back together with you. I'm mind reading, but her jaw-dropping response indicates that she must've thought I still wanted her back, at least to some degree. I don't know.

I guess the point of my anecdote is that it's very difficult to know what someone else is really thinking. But, if you want your spouse to come back, or even if you don't, it's better to be cordial, as you suggest, rather than high conflict.

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