Also what I am hearing is allow my W to manipulate good people and ruin other lives. And allow my W to maintain this sweet innocent image of the W who left her horrible H.
You're not "allowing" anything. The first piece of advice you get on this site is "detach." If you're this convinced that you're "allowing" something, I think it's fair to say that you're NOT.
Live your life. Be the best Tread you can be. Stop burning all of your energy on something you can't control, and can't change. Change you, because I promise you DO have control over that.
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Even though in truth, OM will never leave his W. All the women he has cheated with have been dumb enough to leave their H for him. And they are all regreting it.
Ok, if this is true, then if you want "consequences" to happen, just do nothing. Your W will be another in the long series of women OM has played, and sit there wondering what happened to her perfect plan with her perfect man, and why did I ever leave Tread, who is doing so well now?
If you want to make that personal, imagine that you succeed in blowing up OM's life, his W finally tells him to GTFO, and none of his family want anything to do with him anymore, so he turns to your W for solace and she actually ends up getting what she wants out of the whole deal. Sound appealing at all?
You make a great point. His family will likely keep him around and give my W hell. Up my MIL did this same thing with one of OM uncles and got pregnant with my SIL as a result. This is huge reason why my SIL has spent no time with this side if her family until last summer. That family welcomed my W regardless on how they feel about my MIL. And 4 months into it she is having an A with one of their men. So yes this family will automatically view my as being a chip the old MIL block. And OM like so many times in this process when his W found out they were in contact will pull away from W quick.
So I am well aware on how this process will go. But your plan to let W fall on her face sounds good as well. The only problem is how many people get hurt before W falls on her face? And that is the thing that worries me about letting bad things happen. My job involves me preventing bad things from happening to people. So my fix it mentality is all over the place. Especially when I have witnessed dirt hand what this type of behavior does to families. And the question always asked is why didn't anyone do anything about it?
I totally understand the fixer mentality. But your W has chosen her own path, and it's not your responsibility to stop all these bad things from happening to her. She needs to experience the consequences for herself. That may be the only thing that makes her see the light.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
You are definitely right about me keeping information to myself. I want the family to somehow come out of this okay, regardless on how things turn ou
Are you referring to your family.......or her family, or OM's family? I will assume, for now, you mean you and S13.
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Unfortunately I can't stop watching her, because doing so would allow her to get away with something behind back. Not in regards to OM, but whatever plan she maybe coming up with. Its a good thing that I was hoping for the best these last couple of months. But also been preparing for the worst.
When I said try not to watch her, I meant to not stay focused on her so much. Don't let your thoughts be consumed with what she may be doing. It is unhealthy for you and your son for you to be obsessed about what she may be trying behind anyone's back. Yes, be smart and legally protect your finances and properties as best you can.......but you have to realize that you have not been appointed as her judge and punisher. Don't confuse that with boundaries and consequences.
Please do not be offended when I ask this question, b/c it's more my way of getting into what I want to say. Do you understand the difference in discipline and punishing a child? Do you understand how you teach a child that actions have consequences in life? And some consequences may have nothing to do with you (as the parent)? When we are raising our children to be responsible adults, we have to teach them these things, and as they get older, we have to allow them to experience life's consequences. I just wanted to throw this in here, to try and explain something.
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Sandi, I know you were mentioning on another thread that the WW has to lose something. Even if they have no clue what it is.
Yes, I believe it can be a culmative loss or a specific loss that meant the most to her. MWD also says it in her DR book. The part about her not having a clue may have been misunderstood, or maybe I did not explain it well. It is her H that may never know for sure what loss finally hit her the worst. By that, I mean that special something that reached inside and pulled her gut up through her heart and she KNOWS she has nobody to blame but herself. IMHO, I think those type of consequences are issued to her from "life". Life is a tough, tough teacher. Life can punish, and it can it teach us about discipline......if we are smart and learn our lesson.. Life has hit with a big punch that says, "Here's the result (consequences) of your action". We have the choice to learn from it and not repeat the same action, or not. That's our choice. As long as we can point at someone else and blame them for our demise..........then we are not learning, and life will hit us with another punch.
As a father, you try to teach your children right from wrong. When they are small, they may not always understand "why" that aren't allowed to stick things in the electrical outlet, but they have been told "no" and when they ignore that boundary and stick something in the socket........hopefully the parent catches them before they are electrocuted. Rather than explaining the complexity of electricity to a toddler, the parent keep it more simple by just teaching the little child to obey the parent. As the child grows, the parent teaches him about respect and discipline.......and how this is applied to everyday living. He teaches him about respecting boundaries. The parent gives the child certain house rules to follow. If the rules are ignored or violated, there will be consequences. If the parent lets the violation slide.......he is setting his child up to perhaps face stiffer consequences from life that is completely out of the parent's hands.
As a H and father, you probably have boundary lines around your property, home, etc., for security and to establish what belongs to you. It's your job as the protector over your family. If someone ignores those lines and intrudes, then you take proper action. How does this compare with your WW? First of all, you are not her parent. She is not a child, although she can behave as such. When she announces she wants out of the M, is betraying her H, and refuses to reconcile.........then she removes herself from her H's protection. You should have invisible boundary lines that protect your feelings......If these lines are violated, then it is up to you to take proper action. I am rather amazed at how many men say they can't set personal boundaries b/c they can't think of any consequences if the boundary is violated. Let me add this, you are thinking from the VP of protecting yourself, not punishing the offender. I use the word "consequence" b/c if there are no consequences for violating your personal boundaries.........then they are not effective. An ineffective boundary = no boundary. Just as you would teach your S13 that violating the house rules will result in consequences he won't like........so should be the results of violating your invisible personal boundary lines. You would not delight in punishing your child, but you want to teach him disciple and respect for the rules. So goes with your personal boundaries. It should be more about teaching others how to respect you.
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At some point, probably towards the end of the divorce. I plan on contacting OM family, letting them know of the A. My W has made it a point to get close to these people as if they are her new family. By letting them know what she has been doing with him would quickly shut down the A. Not to mention those folks would disassociate themselves with my W ASAP. Figured that would be the start to having her snap out of this fog. Problem is that by that time, I probably wouldn't be too concerned with getting the MR on track.
Tread, at this point, I don't think she's going to "snap out" of it. Expecting her to do so is like adding lead to your legs. If you are not too concerned with getting the MR back on track, then what is the purpose of exposing them to shut down the A? It does not guarantee it will end the A. Is it for punishment? Is it really to inform the other relatives.......for their benefit?
Was this a boundary? Was she aware this was a boundary? Naturally, most wedding vows include this, but I was just wondering if you ever presented it in the form of a boundary. Are these the consequences for violating your boundary? Will it produce respect for you? This is what you need to figure out. And btw, don't be too sure there will be no backlash for you, if you carry through with the exposure. Think about it carefully. If that's your decision, fine, but I'm saying to know the truth (know the why) behind your actions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have yet to hear anyone come up with a consequence that's worth a damn to a WW. If their name is on the house note, then kicking them out is not an option, especially if they don't want to go. If you raise your voice to the point of scaring the WW. TShe goes right into victim mode. Then guess who goes to jail for the night? So we find ourselves making idol threats for boundaries that we honestly can't enforce. Other than filing for the divorce ourselves. And many H in here aren't even ready to make that move yet. And these WW know it.
Continuing the A was definitely a boundary for me. And at one point, I believe I did mention letting his family know what they were up to. My sole purpose for wanting to contact his family isn't just to snap W out of the fog. But its just the right thing to do. Seeing these people get manipulated by my W is just sad. And I just feel bad for OM W. She's been cheated on for so long over the years, I believe she's just waiting for OM to just get bored with his new play thing. Hell, odds are that OM has other women out there.
Also I'm aware of the why I want to go with exposure. The choice is to say nothing and let W manipulate these folks. Or actually tell the truth and not allow W ruin these folks. Its not even about revenge. I got enough evidence to burn her in the court of law. There is really no benefit in putting my W business out there, unless she decides to act a complete a** during the divorce process when it comes to S13 and property. I was mostly just curious if telling these folks could possibly knock her out of the fog.
Tread, if those people can knock her out of the fog, she may not have a path back to you. If you can live with that so be it, but please also consider that your S13 may very well need his mom.
You are entitled to your anger and resentment. It certainly seems you have been put through a lot. But you won't feel better. In fact, you may regret it down the road or it may make you feel even worse.
Well, W and I went to dinner and talked about going through with the divorce. W will be slowly moving in with her sister the next few weeks. Mentioned that she would want to spend some nights at the house to be close to S13. Basically I told her that since you have decided to move out of the home, then she no longer has free reign to come as she pleases. W seemed hurt by that, but I honestly did care. Also she asked if she would have to hand over her key. That's when I asked her if I was going to get a key to where she was staying. She said no, so I said then why would give you access over here. Told her we'll work out the details.
W seemed somewhat upset, but claimed that she understood. And wanted to give me my space. Said that she was glad to see me doing well. And liked the fact that I was meeting new people and getting involved in a lot of activities. Then she tried giving me the "I'm not happy about this decision speech." Not sure if she was expecting pity. I gave some slight validation and continued sipping my wine. Wasn't really in the mood to hear excuses, since we both know why she wants to leave the MR. Even though she continues to share the same lie. As if saying it would eventually make it true. Other than that the dinner went well, laughed and joked about many things.
The biggest bummer was coming to the conclusion that I will probably have to sell the home. No way either of us could afford it on a one person income. Just want to thank my selfish WW for that for the record. 15 years of plans and goals down the drain, so she can literally chase d*ck. At some point soon we'll have to talk with S13 about all of this. I can already see the emotion breaking down coming from him. The kid has had a great life. And has never experienced any harshness.
W told me that she told MIL about the divorce last Friday. Pretty sure she left out the A and OM in those details. But apparently my MIL hasn't spoken to W since then. MIL is very fond of me. I'm sure at some point my MIL will be calling wanting to know details. She isn't stupid and I'm sure the weird behavior the last 8 months will start to add up.
On a good note, I got did great on my panel review at work and now I am officially certified at my job. Bad news is even though I am still making good time on my run. Due to hurting my right calve muscle, I won't be participating in what I hoped would be my first mud run this weekend.
