WAS wanting to move across the world - help -2

[Maika]

I will echo what Sandi and Joseph have said. It was pretty brutal doing the in-house separation for a few weeks. The physical separation has been so much better because it gave me a lot of breathing room and also figure out GAL and other things.

I think the only example that I can think of where the in-house situation worked was with TxHubby's sitch. But, Tx took a really strong approach to his DBing and if you do not have an option to physically separate, read Tx's sitch and see how it was done. It is by no means easy and I think Tx's case is very likely an outlier in terms of how people have been able to do it. I don't think it's easy at all.

[whywhy]

Thanks Maika,

I am grateful for all of the kind and wise advice.

Yes, it is brutal with the in-house separation. I am thinking that, when my W gets stronger I can find a way that we take "breaks" by moving out for a week or two.

I could love to read about TxHubby's sitch. I tried using the search tool on here and failed. Is there any way anyone can point me towards how to find it so that I can read it please?

Many thanks

[Btrow]

Tx's threads

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=37644

[whywhy]

Thanks so much Btrow

[whywhy]

Hi Btrow,

I went through all of the links for Tx and didn't find much about the separation under one roof. In fact, the last references I saw there was him deciding to get a D.

Am I missing something?

[whywhy]

Anyway, we had another CT session today.

She seems to have calmed slightly. She is still making it very clear that this is all my fault.

She is making sure to state very clearly that she wants to be my friend but no longer wants to be my wife and has no interest in that at all.

I have heard that pretty much every day now for a number of weeks - how she sees no hope for this marriage and does not want to be my wife.

Need some advice - should I be listening to this? Should I be believing this? Or should I take this as part of the process and be ignoring 100% of what she says?

[TBSakaJ9]

I think you should pay attention to the fact that she feels this way now however over time her feelings may change. I think you also need to determine if CT is really working. Most of the vets would tell you to not go to CT unless she is ready to work on the relationship. I think to start you need to really evaluate if you think CT is positive and working.

[Maika]

Read the 'Im staying married 'thread. Tx talks about how he did his DBing. I don't think it was an in-house separation, but if you were to do that, I would take Tx's approach.

[sandi2]

Interesting your suggestion of recording her as two close friends have also said the same thing to me in the past 24 hours. I tried it once so far, but I don't always have my phone with me so it's awkward. I will try though.

IMHO, most women would not prefer to be recorded when they are acting badly. Therefore, it might calm an escalating tantrum if you pull out your phone and show that you are getting it all recorded. Also, whether or not you would need it as proof later, IDK, but it doesn't hurt to have it in case. Consider keeping your phone attached to your waiste.

I can't remember, do you have USA citizenship?

I am quite enjoying taking care of the house and I really didn't mind fixing her dinner. I don't go near her physically at all though. When she was in tears, I put my hand on her arm and she pulled away like she had just got an electric shock.

Do not touch her. That is a trap waiting to file false charges. Stop catering to her. I know you do not mind, but that is not the point. As long as you treat her like a royal princess.......she will treat you like a slave. She needs to lose her entitlement. It starts when you stop waiting on her. You are her husband.......not her servant!

Most of all, change your attitude. Increase your self respect, and command respect in your home. You are the leader. You set the scene. You are in charge. Your children are watching you. Your son is learning how a man should behave toward an abusive wife. He is learning to bow down and take cr@p, b/c he sees his father doing it. Your daughter is learning terrible behavior from her mother. She will adopt those same behaviors and will treat her own H in the same pattern she saw in her home as she was growing up. It is a large responsibility to be the man like you want your D to marry someday, and to be the man you hope your S will grow up to become.

Her mood swings are all over the place and she keeps initiating these long relationship talks (which basically consist of her telling me how awful a husband I was, so that I can understand why it's too late and why she's doing what she's doing).

You do not have to endure verbal abuse. Walk away or leave the house until she calms down.

I don't know how to get away from these as the LRT and the DR says to be responsive to conversations that she is initiating.

Not when it's these type of "conversations". Do not engage when she is blaming and attacking you. Leave her where she stands, and remove yourself and go somewhere else. If you are in public and she starts her verbal attacks leave her there to get home by herself. If that doesn't work, think of something else to do. But sitting there while she hammers you is not what a man should EVER do.

You teach her through action responses, instead of words. So many LBH's have the wrong thinking. They think the only way to work things out is to talk it out. Talking does not work with these type of women. That's why we say not to have R talks when one spouse wants out. You cannot win by talking your way out of it.

Your W can learn how to treat you and how to act like a loving, respectful W in the home from your actions. When you refuse to take her badgering......she is left by herself to take care of the kids. She has to get her own dinner. She has to cook for the kids. She has to wait on them and herself. This is the result of disrespecting her H and b/c he left for the evening, day, weekend, or whatever.........b/c she was beating him down. No woman admires a man she can degrade. .

Also, I don't know if she just needs to get this out at this point, so absorbing it now will help later

When a woman continues to badger her H, it is not her way of getting it out of her system. It is her way of showing how much she detests him. She disrespects you and, therefore, she verbally attacks you. She pushes your buttons to see how far she can go before you put a stop to it. She is testing you to see if you are stronger than she.

My biggest fear with this separation being under the same roof is that she doesn't get to feel what life would be like without me.

I think your W has one agenda...........returning to her country. She is going to do what she deems as necessary to get it done.. She is not thinking about what is best for the children or the family. She is only thinking of what she wants. Currently, she wants to go home.

If she has made no friends in this country, then she probably feels lonely. Apparently, she has nothing much to fill her days at home, while you work and the kids are in school. She wants to escape and go back to where she has family and friends. You are looking out for the best life to offer your young family. That is admirable in a man, husband, and father. Your W cannot see the admirable qualities in her H. Her selfishness, and perhaps loneliness, has taken over her mindset. She has made the decision she will get her kids and return to the home country, and told you what you can expect the next ten months.

She is not mentally strong enough to handle all of the kids on her own at this point. And, I can't get her to leave.

Maybe it's b/c she has never had to take responsibility for anything. You made all the arrangements with her flight, reserved her hotel rooms, etc. You take care of the house, cooking, the children's needs, and hold down a full time job. What does she do during the day while the kids are in school? Why can't she handle a couple of kids during the evening? Does she really have a mental handicap.......or is it that she's been pampered by her parents and you, and she has not had to do things that she doesn't want to do? She complains.......and you take up the slack. She complains....... and her parents step in. Everyone caters to her, and it becomes her lifestyle. She is entitled and expects everyone else to make life easier/better for her.

I was actually sick last night and she had to look after the house and the kids for the evening. She told me she had a tough time.

One evening.........and she complained it was "tough"?

Still torn as to what the right course of action is.

Start here: No more "absorbing" her verbal attacks. Do not clean up her messes. Leave, at least, part of the house chores for her. Do not be available to her. Do not treat her as if she's a guest in your home. Do not rescue her. Leave her with the kids while you go out and find something enjoyable to do. Do not share your feelings and thoughts with her, at this time.

Secure your finances. Do not give her access to credit cards, bank accounts, etc. If she can't mentall take care of anything else.........then she certainly does not need access to your money. Seriously, she's planing to leave, and she'll drain you dry if you aren't protective of your finances. Be smart, and do not trust her while she is behaving badly and trying to wear you down. Hopefully, this will not last forever, but it may get a lot worse before it gets better.

You sound like a good man who may have set some habits that are difficult to change. She may never change herself, IDK. However, you are in charge of your life and what you tolerate in your own house. What you saw as acts of love through service, has turned on you. What I mean is that she is not currently appreciating your acts of kindness/service. Instead of seeing it coming from a place of love, it has become expected and even abused. In no way am I suggesting that you respond to her in brutality. I am suggesting that you protect yourself. Stop rewarding bad behavior. Stop pampering an unappreciated and disrespectful wife. Stop cowing down to her attacks.

[whywhy]

Hi Sandi2,

Thanks so much for all of amazing advice.

My apologies for the delay in getting back to you all, it's been a really hectic few days.

So, just a recap.
Weekend was busy, baby wasn't well, so I didn't get much sleep and then kids had a birthday party to go to on Sunday which I took them along to. W has announced that she won't do BDay parties or any events this year.

I had a great time with the kids and saw lots of folks here which was nice.

In the evenings we had a glass of wine together and then actually watched a few minutes of TV together!

Monday was our 16th wedding anniversary. I had a card and gift ready. I had struggled with the card as I wanted to keep it simple and settled on a "thank you" card rather than an anniversary card.
I left them by her bed when I took the kids to school.

Later on she came up to me with tears in her eyes and told me she was touched and gave me a hug.

Later in the day we had MC which went very tough and we argued. I have seen the notes above about maybe stopping MC. I understand the wisdom, but in this case, I genuinely believe that, not only is the therapist pro-marriage, but that she really is trying to find ways to get through to my W.

Finally, in the evening, my manager from work and another colleague were in town, so my W and I went for dinner with them.
My W got drunk and a bit loud. She wanted to open the whole story to them, but I shut her down very quickly and told her that she didn't need to tell our story to everyone in the world.

Today, I took alot of the advice above and was much stronger towards her telling her that I expected her to start doing chores around the house and that we would need to draw up a schedule.
Also, I told her that I think it's time she look for a job too.

Oh - & Sandi2 - yes, my kids and I are US citizens.

She's out with friends tonight and I have a quiet night, which is really nice actually.