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Just got a call from the IP asking me if I could take my D's on Thursday this week vs our normal day of Wed. She said her and her friends were getting together for 1 last summer celebration before school starts and in return she offered to take them on Friday and Saturday nights this week which would normally be my nights.

DOES SHE HAVE A HEART????????? I guess she wanted to go out on Thursday night pretty bad. Since I was getting something in return and it was an opportunity to have the weekend off I signed up for that deal!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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I also sense that my W is carrying around a lot of guilt. For example, last night she was running late to my D's soccer practice and texted me to say they would be 5 min late and apologized to me for it. I bought my D a new jug for her water and it fell out of the car and broke. When my oldest told me about you could tell my W was very defensive. During our talk about finances and the kids clothes she wanted to make it a point that I new that she would be contributing. She is also not wanting to rely on me for anything. In the above example below she tried a few other people to help watch the kids before she called me. Is this stuff normal and should I say something to her or just let her feel the emotions?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Welp tomorrow is my 2 mth anniversary of our S and I have been really struggling over the past couple of days. I have had a hard time sleeping and am also having a hard time remaining positive and not losing hope. I know the changes are for me however at the end of the day we are all here to hopefully save our marriage. In honor of my 2 mth anniversary I thought I would list some of things I have done. I am also doing this to help motivate myself so I can mentally remain in the game!

1. I have taken my D's to church every Sunday.
2. Wardrobe has been updated with new shirts for work and for working out.
3. Gave up Coffee.
4. Changed my hair style.
5. Lost about 15 to 20 lbs.
6. Been hitting the gym 4 days a week.
7. Took my D's rock climbing.
8. Bought some cologne.
9. Bought some fancy shampoo, body wash, deodorant and body lotion.
10. Bought some new tennis shoes and sunglasses
11. Took a trip to Nashville, will be planning another 1 soon.
12. Read several self-help books and realized that I need to be more confident, learn to say "no" sometimes and to voice my opinion more.
13. Spent time with friends boating, swimming and going out a few times during the week.

I think that is a pretty decent list. With that said I have not had a weekend off from my children all summer due to the schedule my W and I arranged. When school starts and have free time on the weekends I would like to do the following:

1. I used to play basketball 3 times a week with a group of guys. I would like to start that up again.

2. There are some home projects that I would like to work on. Stuff like pulling weeds, cleaning out the attic, etc.

3. I remember when we first got married and before she turned Vegan we would go out to eat at a fancy restaurant 1 time a month and I was much more into music. I would like to take in some concerts and treat myself to a big steak once a month.

4. I have a great job, make 6 figures, but have become stagnant in my career due to focusing on my children/family. I would like to get that fire back. My resume is updated, I just need to take the plunge and start applying.

5. I would like to start swimming laps in the pool at our gym vs always doing treadmill type of work.

6. Start taking my D's out on date nights so they can begin to learn how a man is supposed to treat them.

7. Continue to read self-help books so I can continue to develop into a more well rounded leader at home.

8. WATCH A LOT OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!!! A silver lining with having every other weekend off from the children! I love to watch and bet on the games.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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That's an impressive list Joseph. Some of the stuff is easy to start with and changes can be made quickly. But re-evaluating professional goals, which is important, and continuing to be involved in physical activities is also so refreshing.

I know it's hard, but try not to focus on the upcoming date for the S and thinking of it as an anniversary. I know it's hard not to look at the timeline, but instead of tracking something negative, track the anniversaries of you starting to doing all of the positive things. I mean it's a 2 month anniversary of you losing 20 pounds - that's freakin' awesome.

I am trying to measure the time this way. I am focusing on how consistently I am doing positive things and that is helping me refocus my energy into all the great things I am achieving.

Keep this up!


No one is coming to save you!

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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Stander....QQ. I have struggled with this in my current sitch because I don't want my W to view me as a friend. Would you advise taking this route while we are going through this with separation/divorce?


My older D was in band and color guard and my younger D was on the drill team and my S was playing football. So there were a lot of activities to go to. I absolutely love watching my kids do stuff like that and so does XW. So I don't really see it as us going for each other or because we're being friends, we're just going because we love to support our kids. I guess like anything during S and D the question is can you do it without expectations, because that's the important part for you individually. If you can't tolerate sitting next to W like nothing is wrong then you can always go sit somewhere else.

Michele says in DR that when kids are involved "there's no such thing as divorce". Her point is that as co-parents your lives are forever intertwined. It's been 5 years post-BD for me, one kid has since graduated college and is out on her own, another is in college and also out on her own, and the 3rd in high school. W's and my lives criss-cross all the time because of the kids, even now despite two of them being moved out. Personally I would rather have a friendly relationship with her than one full of tension and awkwardness. It just makes things go so much smoother. But BD, S and D are far behind us and there's no resentment there anymore, so maybe that's the trick is you have to settle into that "friendzone" later.

Quote:
In the back of my mind if I give her this awesome co-parenting relationship right now will that do more harm to me right now since it will make her feel that everything will be alright and eliminate any hope of our family being put back together?


I understand what you're saying, that she won't learn to miss you. Maybe for now you try to keep distance between the two of you, and later you can consider more of a "friends" relationship after you see how things pan out?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks AS.....I appreciate it. Since our kids are so young we are going to be involved with each other for the next 20 yrs or so. I don't want this to turn ugly because I know it will do nothing but hurt our kids and ultimately us. I can sit/stand next to her with no issues and I currently don't have any expectations. I am also really not that angry with her either. She can't help how she felt and how she communicated it was the way she knew how.

I will continue as is with keeping my distance as I have been for me personally but when it comes to the kids we are going to have to come together (we have too many events and I think standing on opposite ends of the field is akward and immature). Either way I am probably in a lose/lose situation because if I don't work together with her now it will put her off, she will get pissed and then view me in a negative light. If I work with her then I run the risk of her thinking this is great but the consequences are that she knows we can make this work.

I might as well take the high road, I know it will be easier on my children.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Nov 2016
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Hi Joseph. Just getting caught up on your sitch.

Things have moved really fast for you and frankly, I'm amazed at how well you've adapted to the DB approach. Your W and mine (and countless others) fit the description that Sandi2 has been posting about for years. It's like an epidemic and there are so many of us (myself included) who do all the wrong things when it happens. But from what I've read it seems like you've made a lot of good choices for how to handle this and your GAL progress in only a few months is really inspiring.

For me it's been 14 months since BD and for the first 4 months my W kept insisting that she wanted to save our marriage. I even remember one night after a bit of emotional discussion and a long silence she said something like, "We CAN'T get divorced." At the time I took that as a positive sign, but looking back I think she was just trying to convince herself.

As strange as this sounds, I think you should feel a little lucky that your W volunteered to move out. Yes, I'm sure it broke your heart and was devistating for your girls but I think the alternative is way worse. My W wanted me to move out but I refused so we lived in limbo as roommates for about 5 months. It was hell and it didn't do anything to make things better. All it did was prevent me from detaching sooner. By the time we finally agreed to a physical "nesting" separation (which is what we have now) I was so angry and resentful, I couldn't even look at her, let alone discuss things rationally with her.

But I'm getting better. And now that we're 3 months into our physical separation I'm not really hung up on what my W is up to anymore. I'm almost certain that she's in some sort of relationship with a man. But so much time has passed that the thought of her with someone else doesn't make my blood boil like it used to. I'm not saying that I like the idea, but it's more like a void of feeling. Like an empty space that I'm not concerned with filling anymore.

I went through a phase of intense GAL a while back, but it has tapered off. Lately I think I'm exhausted from all the stress of the situation. And when I'm exhausted I'm less likely to take care of myself. Been staying up too late, eating junk food, drinking bourbon, etc. I know I have to get back to it.

Next week I have the kids all to myself at the beach. Planning a week away with two kids is difficult without the help of a spouse, but I'm looking forward to it. It will be like a mini sabbatical for me. A whole week with no job, no house to take care of, and no W to interact with. If I want to keep the kids out on the boardwalk until 11 or get the ice cream for breakfast, I CAN and no one is going to argue with me. So I'm hoping to use the time to recoup and come back inspired.

I'll be interested to hear how your week swap is working. I'm hoping that my situation will evolve to this as well. I'm certainly not happy to give up 50% of my time with my kids, but I don't really have much of a choice. So the thought of having every other week/weekend to myself is starting to excite me.

So keep up the good work and keep posting. The most comforting thing in my life right now (other than my kids) is knowing that so many other people are going through this and that things do get better.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Hey Chris, Yes it moved very fast party because I told my W to leave if she wanted to get an apartment. She originally told me she wanted to move out 8/31 I told her that wouldn't work for me to go ASAP if that is what she wanted to do. She has also cut me off at the knee caps with no talks of our R so since she has not been sending me mixed messages that has also helped.

I read through your sitch a few weeks back and you have been through the ringer. Hopefully now you can continue detaching, healing and getting back to your GAL activities. Going to the gym has been huge for me. Nothing is better than showing up for kid swap with your tank top on and blood pumping through your veins. It certainly makes you not lack confidence!

I'm not sure what I would have done if my W did not want to move out. I guess my options would have been to file myself or do what you did. I don't envy anyone that goes through in-house. FML that would be 10 times worse than just separating.

Dude...enjoy yourself with the kiddos that is awesome! I will keep you posted on the kid swapping. I don't have a choice either but I am looking forward to FOOTBALL SEASON and no kids every other weekend!!!

Yes, we are all in this together. I have spent countless hours reading through old posts from some of the vets that has really helped me get to this point. I am lucky that I stumbled onto this site so early in my sitch.

Oh, I drink bourbon as well....that needs to be included in your GAL activities not removed smile.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
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Quote:
I'll be interested to hear how your week swap is working.


W and I are planning on doing the 2-2-5-5 schedule for the kids when school starts in Sept. Here is a link to how it can work and how you can customize it for your needs.

https://www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/2-2-5-5.php


No one is coming to save you!

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Cool, I book marked the site.

Today is my 2 mth S anniversary and I have not backslid in a month. Another goal accomplished, looking forward to making it 2 in a row! It is pretty easy to not bring up the R or D when she is not talking to you either smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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