Still bad at DB

[doodler]

S under the same roof isn't for the faint of heart

I agree with T384. I'm a proponent of ushering them (the wayward spouse) out the door. For a variety of reasons, it makes a lot of sense to address the problem early and not allow a protracted cake eating extravaganza.

[T384]

I'm going through this right now. He has been cake eating since March and now I've finally said enough and he's worse than a child in toys R us hearing 'no'

Everyone get out while you can

[dale165]

Hey tread T and doodler, from what I read that in house deal stinks. I have no idea what I would do if I see my wife flat out talking to OM in my face. I cant say what I would rather really because I haven't experienced in house since W left unannounced. I don't think I said this on here but it was roughly October 6, 2016. My W talked like it was normal that day up until about lunch time. I leave work at 5 and still haven't heard from her so I'm hoping she is ok. I get down my street and can see tire marks in my yard. I get closer then see clothes in the driveway. Believe it was W's belt and a shoe. I open my console in my truck and get my gun and rush inside. I run in and see a ghost town. I was so worried about W's safety and I get home to this nonsense.

Still getting a few flashbacks such as that one but everything else is going pretty smooth. My W gets uglier every time I see her (not in physical sense but I think you get what I'm trying to say). So I'm not sure if I'm obsessed with the idea of being married or actually love W. Thinking about the countless hrs wondering if she was ok before BD make me a little angry still but trying to move past that.

Other than described, getting happier by the day. Progressing slow but I don't expect anything to happen overnight.

[dale165]

Question on in laws during DB.

Been doing pretty good at detaching from W here lately but with me and inlaws its like nothing ever happened. FIL is not doing great and wont reveal his test results he has been having. I prepare his taxes and went to get his docs yesterday. He asked me to be the executor of his estate and hinted at leaving me something. I told him he will figure it out after I get his taxes done. I said that to buy time. Should I politely decline or is that too weird? BIL has been asking me to help him drive bc he has a permit and has two weeks to learn how to drive so he can go to college. Don't see that happening but story for another day. I asked him to ask W and he said she's too mean.

Should I try to get away from these folks while DBing? They always liked me a lot. They obviously love W but says she is too mean and starts stuff. Them saying that has also helped me learn that yes I been hung up on being a distant husband but the street goes both ways. She isn't the easiest person to get along with.

[AnotherStander]

Should I try to get away from these folks while DBing? They always liked me a lot.

No not at all, you keep maintaining those relationships if they are important to you as it sounds like they are. Just don't use them to try and get info about W or "rally them to your cause" or anything like that.

They obviously love W but says she is too mean and starts stuff. Them saying that has also helped me learn that yes I been hung up on being a distant husband but the street goes both ways. She isn't the easiest person to get along with.

Absolutely. Long term marriages rarely get into trouble because one spouse is perfect and the other is a hot mess. They get into trouble because of the actions of BOTH spouses. But BD has a strange effect, in addition to it making the WAS forget there was ever any good in the R, it makes the LBS forget that there was any bad in it. Both are looking at the M through rose-colored glasses, but with completely opposite filters. Eventually the fog starts to clear for both and the WAS starts remembering things weren't so horrible, and the LBS starts remembering things weren't always perfect.

[dale165]

Thanks AS just making sure that wasn't too weird. I mean it is a little bit but they did a lot for me so I figured I could help where I could. And I completely understand the situation of using them as leverage with W. I never bring W up unless they ask if I heard from her. Apparently she is wayward from them as well. Trying to be a descent role model for BIL since he has none and about to start college with zero life experience. Thanks again for all you write, I don't know if you get enough credit on here!

[dale165]

So an update:

This attempt at detaching has been so far so good. I quit stalking altogether, not even a peep. Been busy with work and all my other activities as the herniated disk deal has mostly healed. Funny story and I probably handled this wrong but its still funny. Me and two other guys went eat and drink some beer at a local downtown restaurant two Saturdays ago. As we were walking out, boom there's my W and OM walking his dog. We crossed paths and we all stopped. All in disbelief as we finally meet face to face. Never seen this guy except on FB and he only had pics of their faces. W said hey in a nervous voice and I stopped and looked at OM. Looked at him up then down then down then up. I pointed at him and looked at her and said this is the guy you left me for? Your joking right? Surprisingly I had no anger and we just walked off after that.

Since that day W has asked me to do several things and I had to decline due to other obligations. She has not directly addressed that day yet but she keeps saying she is depressed and nothing is going her way. I wanted to say something rude but I just say I'm sorry and leave it at that. I been harping and griping about her soon to be cruise with OM on our anniversary but surprisingly I'm ok with most everything now. I just keep telling myself I can only control myself and just go about my business.

[Btrow]

Looked at him up then down then down then up. I pointed at him and looked at her and said this is the guy you left me for? Your joking right? Surprisingly I had no anger and we just walked off after that.

You're not scoring many DB points on that little encounter, but you certainly made me laugh. Thumbs up

[leahsue]

So an update:
As we were walking out, boom there's my W and OM walking his dog. We crossed paths and we all stopped. All in disbelief as we finally meet face to face. Never seen this guy except on FB and he only had pics of their faces. W said hey in a nervous voice and I stopped and looked at OM. Looked at him up then down then down then up. I pointed at him and looked at her and said this is the guy you left me for? Your joking right? Surprisingly I had no anger and we just walked off

THIS! Cracked me up! I love it. I hope I would be as quick thinking as you to come straight out with that!

[dale165]

Hey Leah, Us LSU folks are quick like that. I see that your Alabama so I'm not so sure yall can handle it like that! Lol kidding! Yeah it was a bit weird but jeezum, W looks to be going downhill for sure.