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EastTN #2758945 08/31/17 04:30 AM
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She made the appointments during the day and with the amount of time I have already missed from work I couldn't make them. Before all this mess this wouldn't have been a problem, she would have done the same thing but it's different now. She is carrying on like nothing has changed as far as the kids are concerned. I will admit I need to do a better job of interacting with her but currently there is ZERO communication between us. I am more than willing to talk with her, I am upbeat in and around the house, with my kids and friends and family. She does not give off any signal that I am in her life right now. I am giving her as much space as she needs and wants.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2759063 08/31/17 11:08 PM
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Dusty,

Just read through your whole thread and learned a lot. W has been wanting D for a while but is now at the stage she wants to tell the kids. She too thinks the kids will be fine. Kids know things aren't right between us but it will still be a nuclear explosion in their lives as we have been married for 20+ years and it appeared to all that we had a great m. I see you didn't take the advice of leaving it at "mom and dad decided"...but clearly let the kids and all know this is W's decision. I am struggling over how to handle this conversation. Great job at detaching (I am a slow learner) and GAL. How can you improve communication just about the kids? Even if you speak of nothing else, it's important that this happens. Re her housing proposal, good job at standing your ground. Re s17 drinking and fighting, this may have happened even without D and certainly exacerbates it, but don't blame your w for all of it.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2759080 09/01/17 12:58 AM
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dusty70 Offline OP
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Gordie,

Thanks for taking the time to read my stuff, I will take the time you read all of your threads(there's a lot of them!)
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Dusty,

W has been wanting D for a while but is now at the stage she wants to tell the kids. She too thinks the kids will be fine. Kids know things aren't right between us but it will still be a nuclear explosion in their lives as we have been married for 20+ years and it appeared to all that we had a great m.
My WW had friends and her EA tell her the kids would be fine, they're resilient! My wife and I never fought,argued,or raised our voices since we were together. My kids don't understand why we are getting divorced if we never fought. They are starting to ask questions. Maybe the IC will get that out of them.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
I see you didn't take the advice of leaving it at "mom and dad decided"...but clearly let the kids and all know this is W's decision. I am struggling over how to handle this conversation.
I know people on here advised me against doing that but... I read the MWD article that Christy sent me and took the advice from my IC and decided that was the path I wanted to take. Because "mom and dad" didn't decide, it was all her. I havn't mentioned it since that day, so it's not like I keep hammering the point home with them. If you are struggling with how to tell your children I would consult with a therapist, get the MWD Huff Post article, you need all the help and advice you can get because it was the toughest thing I have ever done in my life!
Originally Posted By: Gordie
How can you improve communication just about the kids? Even if you speak of nothing else, it's important that this happens.
Communication is a problem, I need to do a better job of this but she is non-commutative right now. She literally spends the entire day on her phone talking to whoever, she has been off all summer(education), the house is a mess, she basically quit grocery shopping, the kids can't get her attention. I will have a discussion with her again how all decisions regarding the house, finances, and especially the kids have to be communicated between us. The co-owning the home thing is just not a good deal for me fincially and emotionally, I can't detach from her if we owned this home together. Detaching and GAL has been much easier since we did tell the kids
Originally Posted By: Gordie
Re s17 drinking and fighting, this may have happened even without D and certainly exacerbates it, but don't blame your w for all of it.
I don't necessarily blame my W for it, my s17 told me that he knew we had a problem months ago and that made him angry, more so than normal. I understand his age has a lot to do with it(the fighting) but it's not like he was looking for it, he was defending teammates in every situation, that's sort of the roll he has on his team. The drinking is alarming but again he's 17, I get it. I just don't want him drinking behind our backs and for him to turn to that if he's feeling depressed or angry at the sitch or whatever. He has an addictive behavior that I don't want this to be how he handles it.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2759184 09/01/17 07:58 AM
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By the way, I think you're doing great. I think you were a quicker study than me on these d b principles. Re s17, I have a kid with similar issues and the only advice is that he needs you more than ever now that your w is clearly focused on herself. Love him and keep the door of communication open. Let him know that you love him and don't judge him and will always be there for him, no matter what.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2760432 09/08/17 04:45 AM
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dusty70 Offline OP
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A little update, haven't been posting much about my sitch as there is nothing major going on. I have been reading a bunch on everybody's post to get some pointers though. I had a GREAT holiday weekend with my kids!! Actually went 3 days without much thought of W let alone not even talking or any texts. Was surrounded by very supportive family that help keep my mind off basically everything! My kids had a great time which is really the most important part. When we got home my great weekend came to a crashing halt as I saw my W! The real tough part of all of this is she still lives in the home! I know it's not the best situation but that's what I have, I will need to deal with it for now.

We have a few people interested in buying our home by owner which will put a bunch more money in my pocket so I can buy a nicer house moving forward and hopefully in my kids school district. Not sure what W is doing for housing but I don't care anymore! W still doesn't communicate with me one bit! I am available to talk and will if she initiates but nothing at this stage, and she is still thinking very selfishly especially with the kids. She will be going out with friends this weekend while missing our S13 first games of the season. This normally would have been ok but with what's going on I feel she should be there to support whatever or kids are doing. That's what I will do regardless if I have them with me or not! I always made every effort to not miss one event of my kids.

We had to attend a mandatory(court ordered) co parenting class and how divorce effects the kids, I was OK during the video but one child in the video had mentioned that he hated mommy when she got a new boyfriend while mommy and daddy were still married, I looked at my W and she was balling her eyes out! First sign of emotion from her in 6 months! My S13 and I were talking and he told me how mad he is at mom because she is the only one in the house that seems happy that we are getting divorced, he said he will never forget her for divorcing me!! That's for her to deal with not me. My kids are in the swing of the school schedule and seem to be doing OK for the most part, my s17 still spends most of his time not at the house because he said he hates the atomosphere when we are both there. My d11 seems to have taken on the roll of the peacemaker, she is just trying to make sure we are both happy and in good spirits, but she does hang with me a bunch more! My kids are still gravitating towards me because I take the time for them! W has checked out and they see it!

I am still talking with the mom on my kids team, actually going very well! we pretty much talk every day about whatever and most of the time gets a bit racy! I'm sure if we both pushed the issue we could easily take it to another level, just not sure I am ready for that! We'll see what happens as we will all be at a hotel for a tournament in a couple weeks and she had mentioned a few times that she will have the room all by herself. Not looking for it but not opposed at this point!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2760858 09/11/17 02:47 AM
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dusty70 Offline OP
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I have a couple questions to ask the experts on here. First is WW's birthday is next week, how do I handle this? I will treat it as any other day, I will not be acknowledge her birthday at this point. Do I take the kids shopping to get her something from them? What should I do here??

Second question, I know that I shouldn't care what she is doing but I have reason to believe she now has a local guy that she may be seeing. Do I even care about this? Do I confront or just let it go and keep on living my life? I really don't care but if she is then my first thought is to confront and tell her it's time to move out! I do not want this around my children! I can't 100% confirm this but my gut feeling has been spot on all this time and I get that feeling with this. Please help, need some sound/sane advice here.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2760867 09/11/17 03:11 AM
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Dusty, on the birthday, do your kids usually buy gifts for your WW? I mean, back in the day for my STBXW's B-day, I'd usually go out and buy all the gifts, and some would be from "me" while others were from "the kids". So here's something to think about - if you are no longer in the picture in the future, who will take your kids to buy their mom a present?

On the OM, unless you have some proof, I'm not sure you should do anything. Even if you do confront her, there's still no guarantee she'll actually move out.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Holding #2762483 09/20/17 04:46 AM
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dusty70 Offline OP
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I haven't been posting much as I feel that I have a pretty good grasp on my life and situation. I still do have some ups and downs but my good days heavily outweigh the bad. I had a great weekend with my s13 and he played his first tournament of the year unfortunately losing in the championship game, my boy had an awesome weekend, so proud of him. The down part of the weekend was learning that STBXW ditched my d11 to a friends house to go out for the night, again not putting the kids first! This really disappointed me not for what she was doing but I could have brought my d11 with me if I knew that was going to happen.

For the first time in 25 years I didn't go shopping for my wife on her birthday, I did struggle with this but in the end I caved a little and gave my S17 and D11 money to go shopping to get something for her, I never mentioned the birthday at all to her.

On the home, I believe I have come up with a plan to keep the house on my own at least till the end of the school year and then sell it to hopefully stabilize my children especially my s17 as he is a senior in high school, very important year for him as he prepares for college. If I keep the house I have a buyer lined up for early summer next year by owner so I'm due to make out financially. Doing this would leave STBXF no money for a down payment to get her own place, not my concern!

I mentioned in a previous post about a woman I met from my s13 sports team, while we were at the hotel this past weekend our conversations became very flirtatious to the point she invited me to her room, as much as I wanted to I couldn't do it! All I kept saying was that I am still married and at the end of the day I feel that I would let someone down, not sure who maybe me, maybe my kids, God?? I don't know. In some ways if I did I wouldn't be any better than what my wife did to me. I do know that I don't regret any decisions I have made, I can live with myself!

I do have an awesome GAL planned for this weekend, I was offered a real cool off roading trip though work and then spend the rest of the weekend fishing with my brother. As much as I want my kids with me I need to have a me only weekend, my kids want me to have this as they say I deserve it! Love my kids! That's all, nothing too crazy, still have 4 months to go!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2762520 09/20/17 09:00 AM
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Good to hear from you, Dusty!

I think you handled the birthday present well. But what do you think will happen after the D? I ask because I'm wondering myself. Where will the kids get money to buy presents for their mother? The good person in me says I would give them money, since this is their mother. But the fired husband says no way I'm going to give them money toward a present for my XW.

The house plan sounds great. A win for your son and a win for you. I hope it works.

About the other woman, that's awesome! You're getting your mojo back. Even though you got that ego boost, you still stuck true to your values and resisted the urge. I'd like to think I'd respond the same way. (Now if only I had the opportunity.)

Keep it up!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Holding #2762966 09/23/17 04:46 PM
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Posts: 947
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I am currently working towards LRT as well


Me:46 Her:38
My D: 11
Her S: 8


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