Thanks all for the vote of confidence, really do appreciate that! I actually had a beer with the mom the other night, talked about a bunch of stuff, mostly about our situation's as she is in the same boat as all of us here. I'm fairly confident this could have escalated into something more if I would let it but.... don't think I am emotionally ready for anything other than talking. Later that night while lying in bed we continued messaging, more flirting but mostly harmless, when we ended the conversation I felt bad, almost like I was doing something wrong. Apparently I have a conscious, guess this will take some time to build the emotional strength to move on with another woman. Back to GAL!! My kids, have I said how much I love my children! They are my strength, my comfort, a shoulder to lean on when I'm down. They are hurting on the inside that my WW doesn't see, I have learned that my S17 who has anger issues dating back a long time has now started drinking! The other day when I woke up I noticed that a new 1/5 of whiskey was almost gone, my WW thought I drank it, I thought she drank it and then my S17 said he did???? WTF! So now my kid is turning to the bottle because of what my wife has done!! Yes I blame her! For all her supportive friends telling her the kids will be fine, they're resilient, I want to punch everyone in the face! My kids are hurting and need my wife and I more than ever, she's not there, so this is all on me! I will not fail!
Oh God, dusty, I'm sorry to hear about S17. Has he been to an IC?
I too struggle with blaming my W. And I cringe when I hear people say the kids will be fine. This is something my kids will probably struggle with the rest of their lives, and will give them their own neuroses and R issues.
Remember that you're allowed to be imperfect. You're not a machine.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I despise when people say the kids will be fine. Especially when those kids or teenagers who are dealing with enough stufff. These people tend to be as selfishness the WS. This is why I plan on getting S13 in counseling next week. But I still need to give the bad news within the next day or two.what does your W have to say about this?
holding, One of my children has been to IC and the other two I believe go next week, all of them want to go. They have told me individually that since WW and I never showed any signs of problems that they don't understand why we are getting divorced, even though my S17 kind of eluded to the fact he thought mom cheated on me without saying it. Just like DB is not a one size fits all niether is how children are affected with divorce IMO. How can these people say the kids will be fine when none of them know my children and how close WW and I are to them. I'm sure all of them will help pay the therapy bills! lol
Originally Posted By: Tread
I despise when people say the kids will be fine. Especially when those kids or teenagers who are dealing with enough stufff. These people tend to be as selfishness the WS. This is why I plan on getting S13 in counseling next week. But I still need to give the bad news within the next day or two.what does your W have to say about this?
Tread, My S17 will be a senior this year, he is lost more than ever! He has struggled with ADHD and depression and he has an addictive personality so I really need to be the "lighthouse" for him, he is looking for guidance that I need to do on my own now! I would say to get the counseling for your s13, the kids will tend to open up to a doctor more than mom and dad because I beleive they are blaming mom or dad for the hurt and won't necessarily talk to me. Good luck with your discussion, the absolute worst thing I have done in my life! Praying for you and your son!!
Originally Posted By: Tread
what does your W have to say about this?
I assume you mean the drinking, if so she really came across as it wasn't that big of a deal, she even said " I had some drinks when I was in high school" When she said that I just backed off because no matter what I said she wasn't on my side. I did send her a text the next day telling her that we need to nip this in the bud, I told her that she is not to buy any more alcohol! I do not want it in the house, if she needs a drink go to the bar!.
Little update, have been off my thread for a bit, just reading up on everyone else, getting some pointers on how to deal with my sitch.
The affects of my WW's actions are starting to affect on my children! S17 has shown severe anger issues since the start of all this in March, we thought we kept it from him but I learned he was on to what was going on all along. Made him even more angry resulting in multiple fights in the sport he plays, some fairly violent! Just learned he was removed from the team because of this. There have been other issues but don't want to get in to it, you get the jist. He is supposed to go to therapy tomorrow but is refusing, WW wants to threaten him by taking some luxuries away(ie... phone, car, girlfriend) if he doesn't go. I validated her by saying" I understand how you feel about S17 going to therapy but if we threaten him by taking these things away it will just make him resent you even more." He has told her he hates her! She responded by basically saying he's angry because of me! Haven't heard from her since. The reason she is adamant about him going is because she doesn't have the ability to play the bad the guy and lay down the law with him, so have someone else do it is her motto! I will try but if he doesn't want to go there is not much I can do right now. He's 17, and he dislikes his parents right now for screwing his life up, he doesn't want to listen to anything we say. I feel terrible for him as all of this is a cry for help!
I'm sorry to hear about S17. My wife have been getting the same advice, that the kids will be fine as a way to ensure herself, what she is doing is the right choice. It's sad that in today's day and age we have came to a point where fighting is almost not a resolution anymore. People are telling her she needs to be happy. But I hope you can help your son get back on track throughout all of this.
Joejoe1
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Dusty, I'm sorry to hear about your continued struggles with S17. It's sad that our kids will have to suffer the consequences of our W's actions. The whole D thing really messes up kids. My S10 told me some heartbreaking things the other night that I should probably post in my thread.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Dusty, really sorry to hear about S17's issues. Definitely get him into C, he needs to go whether he wants to or not. I doubt all of his anger issues are coming from your sitch, but it makes a convenient excuse for him to deflect blame to W and probably to you as well. And it sounds like you're assigning some blame too. My brother had an angel of a daughter who suddenly turned into demon spawn starting in the 16-17 age range. It was a dramatic shift- drinking, drugs, failing in school, lashing out in violent ways. They finally convinced her to join the Navy hoping it would give her some focus (she just completed boot camp). Time will tell. Anyway my point is your S is at that rebellious age and he will blame everyone and everything EXCEPT himself for it. A C can help him sort through his rage issues and help him understand that he is responsible for his own behavior.
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He is supposed to go to therapy tomorrow but is refusing, WW wants to threaten him by taking some luxuries away(ie... phone, car, girlfriend) if he doesn't go. I validated her by saying" I understand how you feel about S17 going to therapy but if we threaten him by taking these things away it will just make him resent you even more."
I think your W is in the right on this. Keep in mind that he is 17 and still under your roof and needs some discipline in his life. He MUST go to therapy, and if he refuses then there should be serious ramifications to that. Part of teen rebellion is that it is a cry for help. They sulk and they act out and when you try and reach out they get angry. But inside they WANT you to reign them in. They want to know they are loved and that you care enough to make tough decisions for them. By the way, validation is not saying "I understand BUT..." That is in fact the opposite of validation.
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He has told her he hates her! She responded by basically saying he's angry because of me! Haven't heard from her since.
It doesn't matter. This isn't about blaming. It's about getting him the help he needs.
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The reason she is adamant about him going is because she doesn't have the ability to play the bad the guy and lay down the law with him, so have someone else do it is her motto!
IT DOESN'T MATTER. Stop the mind-reading and such. HE NEEDS THIS.
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I will try but if he doesn't want to go there is not much I can do right now.
And if he commits suicide, what then Dusty? Would you still say "oh well there was nothing I could do" or would you say "why didn't I do more?" I am sorry to say that but you need to know this is potentially SERIOUS. You need to get him help.
Thank you!!!! This is why I came to this site to begin with, I need to write down the mess that is floating in my head and have people like you set me straight. Once I read your comments to my idiotic thought process it all made a bunch more sense, I just wish I could come to this conclusion on my own. Still learning I guess.
To update what happened, I talked to my son and without threatening to take stuff away I convinced him that going to IC would be really good for him and he agreed he could use some help. The only problem is my WW gave up and cancelled the appointment. We will reschedule hopefully for next week. S13 is going today. I am praying this will help my children as they are hurting. Thank you again! I really do appreciate your help.
Don't let WW do that in the future. Make the appointments yourself if you have to, leave her out of it. You got S17 to see reason, got him psyched up for going... and she pulled the rug out and now he has to stew for another week about it. That's not helpful.
