I just ordered the book today. I hope to get it soon.
My husband and I have been together 4 years, and married not quite 3 years. We have always cycled with big fights about every 6 months. We will have a big blowout, and he will say he's done. He'll leave for a night or two, then he asks me if I love him, and we get back together and nothing really gets resolved. The last fight was the worst. We had both been drinking, I was trying to tell him that I needed support from him, he got mad and felt like I was emasculating him, we went around for hours yelling, him trying to walk away (he stonewalls me a lot), and finally, he pushed me, so I called the police. We were able to come together the next day after some heated discussion, but a few weeks later, he said he was done (after a few smaller disagreements). He's been living in the basement and his mother for the last few weeks, as he's also had to deal with a couple deaths. We have a son together, and he has been more present since he buried his grandmother last weekend. He's still living in the basement, but we talk and touch. He flirts with me over text message, but I'm still keeping my distance. I don't want a divorce, because of our son, but I feel like our problems are mountains that I don't know if I can get over. We still share a bank account, and I just checked to find that we only have a couple hundred dollars until Friday. He has been putting money away into another account, and spending more than he's putting into the account. He makes more than I do, but we do very well and shouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck. I'm so livid that I don't know if I can get gas tomorrow, because I don't know if we'll have any money in the account. He also took half the savings we had in our savings account out. I don't want to have to take money out of our savings to cover his overspending, since he's clearly stockpiling money (he has probably saved about $3k this month in his account, on top of the savings he took). Money has been an issue for the last year, since he took a new job that paid him a lot more. The job change is out of state, so it's been a good deal of sacrifice on my part. But he has been using money as a power-play in our fights since he started the job.
So, I'm wondering if the book helps you work through issues like this--I don't want to get divorced, but I am also not happy having to compensate for his spending while he has one foot out of our marriage. Or, how do I address financial issues while we are in this tense time, because he's not going to want to sit down with me to form a budget right now.
He said yesterday that he doesn't feel safe around me (he resents me for calling the police). I know I had a big part in why that fight got so out of hand, and I regret it. I don't want him to feel unsafe. I want him to trust me. I want to trust him.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
We went out to dinner last night as a family. We talked mostly about work and his grandmother who died last week. On the way home, he asked me if I'd like to talk next week when I get home from my trip, since our son will be with my parents for a few days. He asked me if there's anyplace I'd like to go, and I said he could choose. I'm so scared that he's going to say he's done. In my state, you must be separated for a year, but it's still going to hurt.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
One other thing: he's sleeping in our basement. Last night, he decided to use the air mattress. We were watching tv, and when he went upstairs for something, he said feel free to get in the bed. So I did. He crawled in behind me, and we watched tv together with his arm around me for an hour. I had to get up to check on our son. I went back down to say goodnight to H, and kissed him. It felt natural, but the first time in weeks. That felt good, but this morning, he just said have a good day and left for work. I guess he's working things out in his head. I'm leaving for a mini vacation tomorrow and he's going fishing with a friend. I hope a few days of distance and renewal will be good for us both.
I came home from a few days a at with my family. My parents have our baby for a couple days. I thought it was a good time to talk. We both tried. He wants to hold onto hurt and blame me. I want to move forward. We kept vacillating between trying to have a good night and fighting. He says he wants to spend a few months away. In my condo (which I just spent thousands to fix up to sell). And he wants to have our son for 50% of the time. I said I need time, and he said forget it, I can talk too his attorney. I said okay, and emailed my attorney (he doesn't know). I feel like I'm going to lose. He cries that he has nothing. We married st a late age, he lost everything in his first marriage and came into our marriage with this house we live in and other assets that he holds over my head. He also complaines that I spend all the money, but I make a 6-figure salary and I track all the spending and he is spending more than he contributes. I just don't know if it's worth it.
I really need guidance. Has anyone ever come out on the other side when there is this much contempt? He says he wants to give me another chance...but he doesn't seem to think he has done anything to get us to this place. He hates me, because I called the police on him. He was scaring me, and then he pushed me. He doesn't see that part. He says *I* damaged his kids by calling the police...
Anyway, is there any hope? He wants to strong arm me into 50/50 custody of our son, which is the only thing I can't agree to right now. He's only 2, and I don't want him spending that much time away from the only home he's ever known. I suggested we alternate who stays home with him, and my husband says I'm trying to control the situation and he's not going to let that happen.
What do I need to do? I am trying to get an appointment with an attorney, but I don't want to destroy this marriage. But I won't destroy my son to save a bad relationship, either.
We will have a big blowout, and he will say he's done. He'll leave for a night or two, then he asks me if I love him, and we get back together and nothing really gets resolved.
Have you ever sought counseling?
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we went around for hours yelling, him trying to walk away (he stonewalls me a lot)
Well, walking away from a fight is a perfectly VALID thing to do to keep it from escalating. If he was trying to walk away and you were constantly chasing him and yelling at him and getting in his face then that is something you really need to work on.
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I don't want a divorce, because of our son, but I feel like our problems are mountains that I don't know if I can get over.
You two have some BIG problems. You can't just will this away. If the two of you want to recon, then you have got to set some boundaries. One should absolutely be that both of you seek out IC and together seek MC. It sounds like money isn't an issue so there's really no excuse not to.
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We still share a bank account, and I just checked to find that we only have a couple hundred dollars until Friday. He has been putting money away into another account, and spending more than he's putting into the account.
That's not good, sounds like he's prepping for separation. Talk to your L about how to protect yourself financially.
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He said yesterday that he doesn't feel safe around me (he resents me for calling the police). I know I had a big part in why that fight got so out of hand, and I regret it. I don't want him to feel unsafe. I want him to trust me. I want to trust him.
Of course, that's completely reasonable to expect. But the two of you can't do it on your own based on your history. You need to seek help for that.
It's hard to offer solid advice right now because it's unclear what your status is. Sounds like neither of you are sure you want to try?
