You need to put boundaries in place now. Her tears are those of self pity and anger. No more making her meals, standing around while she vents. Let her know that she has made her complaints known and you have heard her but that unless there is new business then this discussion is over.
You need to remember this is a marathon not a sprint. So you need to do a LOT of self care such as talking to friends and getting out there. Meet up with another guy friend with kids and take the kids out for something fun, that is a huge 180 that will strengthen your inner core. It will also give you a break from her fury. Those are your children and I would NOT agree to let her take out of country, not today and not in 10 years. It's simply a non-negotiable term.
Stop trying to be her friend, she fired you from that job. You are a room mate, nothing more. Please reach out to friends and start strengthening your relationships with them, confident men are attractive; sad and lonely ones are not.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It reads to me as if you want to save your M and you're frightened of losing your kids and worried about the financial future. All of these (understandable) fears make you not want to say no or challenge your wife's behaviour with your own boundaries.
Right now, it looks like (sorry): - your M is dead right now, and your W does not respect you - your W does not keep the agreements she makes and is unlikely to keep future ones or tell the truth to you - she is behaving like a bully and a child, the way I'm sure you wouldn't let anyone else treat you in a different environment. No one should live this way, whywhy.
Your fear of losing what you have already lost (even though you might regain it) is weakening you and making things more confusing.
Please think about YOUR priorities right now, given how things are. My guess is that it is keeping your children with you in the same country first and protecting you and your children from her anger and mood swings. What do you think is the best way to do that? And if you are dealing with someone who is unwell or unreliable, are there practical things you need to do like taking L advice or hiding the kid's passports?
Boundaries are tough, I know, because they need consequences and often that feels lose/lose. But unfortunately, for whatever reasons, I think your W is going to bring a lot of drama and chaos to your life unless you set some and take back your power where you can. You can't make her do anything, but you can calmly say no and not protect her from the consequences of her own choices. I'm so sorry though because as a working man and father this must feel exhausting.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Yes, I think she is trying to wear me down and I am hoping that by reacting so differently, I am changing her gameplan, or, at the very least confusing it.
She is very clear to me that she feels that I am to blame for where we are. I have told her that there were two of us in this marriage.
Interesting your suggestion of recording her as two close friends have also said the same thing to me in the past 24 hours. I tried it once so far, but I don't always have my phone with me so it's awkward. I will try though.
I am quite enjoying taking care of the house and I really didn't mind fixing her dinner. I don't go near her physically at all though. When she was in tears, I put my hand on her arm and she pulled away like she had just got an electric shock.
Her mood swings are all over the place and she keeps initiating these long relationship talks (which basically consist of her telling me how awful a husband I was, so that I can understand why it's too late and why she's doing what she's doing).
I don't know how to get away from these as the LRT and the DR says to be responsive to conversations that she is initiating.
Also, I don't know if she just needs to get this out at this point, so absorbing it now will help later.
My biggest fear with this separation being under the same roof is that she doesn't get to feel what life would be like without me.
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
Conversations imply both people exchanging opions, ideas and feelings. She is not "conversing" but verbally abusing you. If you want to try validating then keep it short and to the point.
For instance,
WAW, "I never loved you! I only pretended so I could make you happy! You were never there for me."
Your possible response, "I am sorry you feel that way, when you you say I was never there for you you sound very upset. I am so sorry you felt that way, it was never my intention to cause you pain."
Validation is more about coming across understanding that they are another person struggling and in pain without getting sucked into an argument. I tell my patients all the time, emotions are real at the moment but that doesn't mean the thoughts accompanying them are true. I validate that my patients are suffering but also point out fallacies in their train of thought. I tell them two words are not allowed in therapy, always and never. Only death is always. I would definitely go over the validation cheat sheet.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I agree that we are not "conversing", but I do think she is trying to get an awful lot of anger out and I want to be able to help her do this by listening as I feel we can't take any steps forward without getting past this intense anger.
And, yes, as she sees me as the cause of all that is bad, she does want to hurt me (as she sees it as I hurt her).
I have been doing my best to validate and to apologize for my wrong actions and also to tell her that I'm very sorry she feels that way.
I have slipped a couple of times and debated her, which I know I shouldn't do, but couldn't help myself and regretted it later.
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
My biggest fear with this separation being under the same roof is that she doesn't get to feel what life would be like without me.
Well, I say that in-house separation is no separation. Sometimes the sleeping arrangement calls for two beds, but for the most part......things revolve like usual.
You already see some pitfalls of remaining under the same roof. If you can't S physically, my suggestion is to not agree to a in-house S.
The bottom line to DBing, is to do what works! So, I encourage you to do what works for you in this situation, b/c she is going to make life miserable for you. Know what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And this is why I did not even suggest an in house separation. It's justbunderstood that we sleep in separate rooms. But we're pretty much doing the same things minus a relationship. We might as well just start seeing other people at this rate. Even though W already has OM. 🤔
whywhy...you got some really sound advice from some really good people.....ultimately it is up to you. I was lucky in some respects because my W moved out 3 weeks after BD so I did not have to put up with or deal with the pain you are experiencing. My only recommendation is to take the advice, I know it is scary to put into action but everyone has your best interests.
