Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

Thanks everyone for your messages. I feel like I am getting over this hump now and I am starting to feel a little better.

SKM, I am sure he does know why she hasn't responded he really isn't that dense! He chooses to ignore the fact because that would be too painful for him to admit how he has affected her.

Although it doesn't seem like it I do feel like I am moving forward without H. I have to, I dont have a choice. None of us do but we do have a choice in how to live our lives now that our S's have left and I think I am getting there.

Ownit, your friend is right off course. I have kept myself stuck but I also think my friends don't help because they don't see the progress I have made. Their idea of moving on is to file for D or start dating. I'm not ready for either. They think because I have not done either of these things that I am holding on and that makes me doubt myself that I have made any progress. I know that I am much happier and more myself than I was this time last year and I think NC has definitely helped. You know what, maybe he is stuck. I won't be suprised if he is.

Treasur, I am starting to realise that H would have done this to whoever he was with because normal people don't behave in this way. Normal people wouldn't have thrown everything away to go back 15 years so he can live on his own in a one bedroom flat, eating lunch with his parents every Sunday and drinking every opportunity he gets. I feel I have fought a good fight but now I'm tired. I have a beautiful D that I am grateful for each day, he has nothing. So in a way my life is much richer and fulfilling than the one he has chosen. I understand that it may fulfil his needs at the moment but I'm not sure how long he will be able to sustain it.

Journaling - D got another text from H on Saturday morning. This time he has asked her if she would like to go on holiday with him at the beginning of September before college starts! D said, no way, but she is yet to respond to him.

We were a little confused as his BF's wife told us that H, BF and two other friends were planning a boys holiday in October and now he is asking D to go away with him. He definitely would not be able to afford two holidays so I assume the October holiday was a non starter. Also he doesn't know D very well if he thinks she will go away on her own with a parent or step-parent at this age. I knew to invite her friend on holiday with us because D would have been bored out of her mind if it was just the two of us.

Before BD, when we went on holiday, this was the man who wanted to lie around the pool asleep and begrudgingly went on trips with us. This is the man who used to get annoyed that we had to entertain D on holiday because he didn't want to do anything but sunbathe. So what does he think he is going to do with her on holiday now or is he just lonely? All his friends have children of school age and would have all had their family holidays as their kids go back to school in September so I think it's probably because he has no one else to go away with him.

I'm also really shocked that considering D has avoided him for nearly 8 weeks, he thinks she will now go on holiday with him. What fantasy land does he live in!! Last year after BD we had to cancel our holiday because of him and instead he went away to visit his friend abroad but did not ask D to go with him. I had to pick up the pieces of a sobbing D when she found out the holiday she was looking forward to had been cancelled. I was the one who scraped money together to take her away in the end. He is so clueless!

He told D that he would contact me to discuss but so far he hasn't and no way am I going to contact him! In the past I would have sent him a text to thank him for asking her and let him know that she is working so she won't be able to. Now, I would rather he knew the reason was because she doesn't want to have this type of relationship with him. D loves H very much and he was the best step Dad to her but she does not want an estranged birth Dad and estranged step Dad. It's too much for her to get her head around it. Me to.

I would love input from you guys as to what I should say if H does contact me. Should I be blunt and tell him that she doesn't want to go on holiday or that the reason she can't is because she has a job until she goes to college? D said that even if she didn't have a job she still wouldn't want to go.

Nearly the middle of the week everyone, yippee!!

[job]

Coly,

I think your daughter in very wise in not going on holiday w/him. After all, he is not her biological father and she may not feel comfortable going w/him the way he is acting at the moment. It wouldn't be appropriate to go off on holiday w/just him and her.

As to what to say when he asks about her and his invitation? Tell him that it is between him and her and that you are not going to be the go between for them. Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and he needs to learn to respect her wishes and have these type of discussions w/her.

BTW, none of us can actually say what truly goes on in their minds, but I would venture to say that his October holiday fell through or he may want to take your daughter on holiday and then say what a great time he had w/his step daughter and brag about it w/his new friends...again, no one can say what is up w/him these days.

Step back and allow your daughter to handle this situation between her and her step father. You've got enough on your plate, i.e., be there to listen to her and off her advice...but it is up to that grown man to learn how to communicate and to rebuild the bridge he destroyed. That is not your job....you were fired a while ago...remember?

[Coly23]

Hi Job, thanks for your advice, I really do appreciate it.

I was reading the advice you gave on some really old posts and as we know the outcome of those sitches, the advice you often gave as spot on.

Journaling - when D didn't respond to H I told her that I reckon he will find another excuse to contact her and the reason would be if she needed help getting a birthday present for me. I think I might my psychic! Low and behold she got a text from him on Wednesday asking if she wanted extra money for my birthday present! D went back to him and said that she was all sorted on that front and also said that she was busy all summer up until she goes back to college so she won't be able to go on holiday him. Phew, I'm glad that is all sorted now!

Happy Friday everyone!

[job]

Coly,

Your daughter is a smart young lady and she knew just how to handle the situation. Your h is feeling the "pinch" of detachment from you and your daughter. You will notice that the more you remain detached and quiet, the more he'll attempt to communicate w/you. This is called the dance of the pursuer/distance. Continue as you have been and allow that moth to continue to flit closer and closer to the candle.

Enjoy your weekend.

[Coly23]

Thanks Job! It's a shame that the pursuit and distance dance is being played out by D and H and not me and H but i guess I can't have everything!

Happy weekend everyone!

[Citygrl]

Hi Coly. Thank you for stopping by my thread. Have tried to catch up on your situation. You sound like you have progressed well. I know how difficult it is to have a husband who has mastered distance but pursuit is not in his vocabulary. I think in my case it is the guilt and shame that keeps him away somewhat. I am an awful reminder to him. Hopefully, your case isn't as extreme. I also found after a time I felt and did better by not having contact with him knowing he was with OW. It did seem that when I was being happy and staying away from MLC stuff I felt better, but sure enough....bam. That's when I get a text or have to contact him about something logistical. It all gets more manageable.

Didn't read all your threads but did you end up trying yoga? My teacher here dies a really popular yoga day with teachers from all around the area. I couldn't have come this far without it.

[Coly23]

Hi Citygirl, thanks for your visit too!

Yes, my H is not good at the pursuit. I believe his reason is because he does not want to give me hope. Whatever!

I think the reality of the situation is starting to sink in for him though. D is his step daughter and I think he thought he could dump me and treat me like I don't exist and still have a wonderful father daughter relationship with D. What he hasn't banked on is that she is disgusted with his behaviour and has no intention of having a relationship with him without me!

I tried yoga once but it wasn't for me. I think I need to find another provider as this one was run by an 80 year old lady who put a blanket on me while I was lying down with eyes shut! It was very sweet but I felt like I was in an old people's home!!

Journaling: i had a great Friday evening with my Sister. A few too many glasses of wine but really nice to catch up. I think her H is in MLC. We think he was a few years ago but I don't think he resolved anything so he is back to saying cruel things to her and being selfish with wanting to spend huge amounts of money on himself. I tried to give her a few hints and tips but it's so hard on her and the kids to go through this again.

D is doing a great job of helping me to slowly let go. Yesterday was a great example. We have a picture up in our hallway of cartoon people (a bit like the ones you get on the doors of male and female toilets so no faces or details just outlines of people) showing two female outlines a male and a rabbit and it says welcome to our family. I got it one Mother's Day and have been reluctant to remove it. Sadly we lost the rabbit just before H went to crazy land so as it stands two of the figures are no longer part of our family anymore. When we went shopping yesterday and D found a lovely wooden hanging with separate wooden arrows saying welcome to our noisy, sometimes messy but happy family and suggested I replace the picture with it as it is no longer relevant. So I took the plunge and it looks great!!

Slowly, day by day I feel we are making our own space without H in our lives. It feels great! Oh and my Sister whose H might be in MLC said she is so proud of me and how I have coped with everything. Especially brining up D and coping with the house on my own. I was really chuffed to hear that!

Happy Sunday!!

[Coly23]

Hello everyone! Well I made it through my seventh wedding anniversary albeit with a few tears but not as bad as the first year of our separation when I sobbed uncontrollably for hours.

Off course I have not heard a peep out of H but I guess he has swept me and the memories of our marriage under the carpet so he probs hasn't given it a second thought. Oh well, just my birthday to get through now.

I would love to hear if anyone has seen the solar eclipse over in the US of A!!

[Surv1ve]

Congrats Coly on getting through the anniversary day. The anniversary of our threesome commitment ceremony was August 9th, and I had a blast doing my own thing. Didn't want to let that own me.

It sounds like you're really shining these days and reclaiming a lot of your life. Good for you!

I agree with the advice of let D and H work out their own relationship. I bet you it's one of the ways he DOES pursue you, and he may actually have to pursue you directly in the future.

[OwnIt]

Congrats Coly, you are sounding so strong these days. They say it is a year of events right? I just have H's birthday next month (which I could care less about) and then I think I'm through a year.