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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2731122&page=1

Hello there,
New thread time. No idea which # this is. I started my last thread in February really being ok with the impending divorce. It wasn't what I wanted at all, but I know that I did everything I possibly could to try and salvage a relationship with ex. I didn't save my marriage, but I saved myself tenfold and have emerged from the rubble much much much happier, more confident in myself, more compassionate, more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, more loving, and just having an increased zest for life.

With that, the recent events with ex and the dog not only allowed me to purposefully drop the rope, but I also got the blow torch myself and burned it up. Being able to allow myself to completely let go has been very empowering.

I am still hanging out on the MLC board because I want to understand what this man may be going through. I do hope he wakes up and is able to accept his life "as is" without the constant running and chasing of happiness. I feel for him, but in a completely different way than I did before. More platonic, I guess.

While the divorce was filed a year ago in september, we have yet to make any real progress, and that should be coming up next. The accountants are now looking at everything. Ugh. This is the part that succcckkkssss. Money was always paramount in our relationship. It's ex's one and only true love.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned it before, but on our wedding night, Ex opened up all the cards and electronically deposited all the money instead of consummating the marriage with me. Yep. He had energy to count and deposit money, but not have time with his wife. Not only that, he was disappointed in the amount we got and blamed my side of the family. Ummmm red flags?!? So, yeah, on my wedding night not only did i not consummate the marriage, but I was made to feel bad that my family didn't contribute "enough" in financial gifts. What a complete #^*|!~€~*£|.

While its been the most painful experience of my life and more painful than I thought possible, I think the universe, guardian Angels, whomever, were and are looking out. I do believe now that this divorce had to happen because I was dead in my marriage. I had no spirit. I don't believe it was his intention at all, but being married to ex killed everything about me. Codependency at its finest. I had no sparkle in my life. For so many reasons I became a fraction of a woman... Too many to recount here.

So, life goes on. Im still on my journey of becoming a whole and complete person. The lifelong goal is to just be an awesome human.

I'm very interested to see where I'll be when this thread ends. Much love, DB friends.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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Wow. Just wow. That is a serious money grubbing act.

I think you've been given a new lease on life. It's a great opportunity to strengthen boundaries so that you attract a person who will honor them.

Onwards . . .


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.... wow.. just wow.. is right.

I know it is never good pax, but this really seems like a blessing. You keep on doing you. I think you will be and will make someone very happy one day. He's gonna be a lucky guy. Have a great week!

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hey HaWho and Pinn. As always, thanks for the support.

It's not my intention to really focus on his terrible flaws. It's more or less reinforcement and giving me permission to move on as I have been. I guess its justification and rationalization on my end. Much like the justification the Mlcer did when they blew up their lives and ours.

I've been following along and I know on a couple other threads there has been substantial discussion on forgiveness and also holding on to "hope" that the ww, waw/h, mlcer "suffer" to some degree.

Yep... That is definitely something I struggle with a bit. I'm still dealing with the repercussion of h's actions and yet he seemingly gets to move on unscathed and it feels unjust. Now, let's be real... This is all part of the stuff I'm trying to work through, but it sure is HARD.

My ex sis and bro in law are in town and like my ex, they haven't poked their heads out. I did see my ex bro in law in a car as they were pulling into the driveway and he did not make eye contact at all. argggg- my ego wants to scream out and paint a different side to the story. But I won't go there.... They're allowed to think what they want about me. I get to live my truth.

As I was leaving my old home after dropping off the dog, I got genuinely angry. There's a part of me that wants to say, "are you all crazy thinking I'm this greedy gold digger after begging ex to be with me. He's playing the victim and you all buy into this vision.... And yet you can't even see how f'd up this all is?!? Can't youbut the pieces together!?" My ex sister in law cashed checks worth thousands and thousands of dollars that my ex wrote (in my name) from my personal account without my permission or knowledge after he filed divorce.... Really?!?! She's part of the fraud too!!!! And yet, I'm the evil one.

Uch. Crazy making.

Whatever. Karma karma karma, right? The truth comes out eventually. I just have to keep on my path. Stay the course, right?


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
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D filed by H: September 16
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Yes. Focus on your life and your truth xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Hey there,
I've tried to write this out a few times, but I'm not getting my thoughts right. I've been thinking a lot about how the divorce really needs to happen in many of our sitchs for any possibility of a successful r in the future, should it be an option.

I've witnessed the journey of a former lbs, who has in the last year, become a rogue ww. Her h cheated, they separated, he was remorseful and they got back together, and then they struggled for many years through the piecing process. Fast forward, she starts to retreat, he gives her space knowing she needs it, she respects it but it's not enough, and now she's out finding her happiness (sound familiar?)

And the truth is.... I completely respect her and her decision. She did the massive work then, and still does the work to this day to be a great human. She's just had enough and knows that her former life doesn't serve her anymore. She's figuring it out.

Over the last few months I've kind of come to this conclusion that the divorce needs to happen for both parties. 1) for those who left the marriage to truly understand the grass ain't greener on the other side and 2) I think it's just as important for the lbs do get a clean break otherwise you're just putting band aids on a wound without truly knowing the repercussions long term. I think without the d, some sort of baggage will always be there. And yes, of course, you can therapize the cr@p out of it, but soooo much sacrifice is done via the LBS that I think a breaking point will come at some point for the lbs and it could be years and years down the line.

My friend stifled so much for many years "acting as if" working on her own triggers etc. While her h also did the work and they were on steady grounds for a while, it just hasn't proven to be enough to sustain a life together.

When the d happens, it completely severs all ties thus allowing the lbs to actually decide if they would even want that anymore. Without the d, I feel like there might be an "obligation" to make it work if/when the spouse returns. I just think the divorce is the only way to truly have a clean slate and work on it together.

I may not have eloquently stated that, and I'm sure MWD would disagree wink and I know piecing is hard, but I just wonder if it leads to a truly authentic, open, and genuine relationship having so much mending to do.

Hmm. Not sure if that makes sense, but Ive been processing it for a while. Or maybe I just got to the point where I could say no way in HeL! Do I want to work with my ex and get back together. Not that it's ever been an option!


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I kind of get that, paxluv. Whatever combo of things are going on in my ditch/my H's head, I have not been able to find another way. So, maybe this is the only way to...whatever comes next. Maybe it's almost an act of faith.

I have no idea what my H feels about me, if anything. As far as I can see, he wants the D, wants to 'talk' after it and is planning to remarry OW who he spends weekends with. (He shouldn't because he is still far from healthy, but nothing I can do about it.)

The thing is for me, the love is the same. Loving him is simple; it just is. It was from the moment I realised I did in 1997. And I'm a very logical woman (usually) so it was a scary feeling. The love is simple. Everything else is impossibly complicated. So, I imagine that I will just have to live with loving someone who is no longer in my life, just like I still love my father who died. It's a strange place to be, isn't it?


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Meant 'sitch' but maybe 'ditch' is more accurate!


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Hey Pax, I certainly think you have a point there. For me, the D was a big release in that this guy was no longer 'my husband' he was just someone who was the boyfriend of someone else. That really released me from the obligation and did help me move forward. I think had the marriage continued, I would have agreed to work on things if he had turned back to us. I also see some LBS where - in early reconciliations - haven't grown to the extent that they can be individuals within the M and have the strength and conviction to put in place boundaries without fear of the consequences.

Treasure, I loved the spelling error - I agree 'ditch' (or pit as I sometimes say) is certainly appropriate. I certainly felt I plunged into a dark pit and clawed my way out. A friend recently said to me - wow you really bounced back from that situation (with XH) - I put her straight and said I wouldn't use the word bounce, which suggests an ease that wasnt' there. The word I use myself is claw.

As for still loving someone. I still love XH in some ways. I also don't like him much and wouldn't want to be in a R with him. But there is still love for how we were together, what we shared and what we have. But it is a 'released' love. I think there is a big difference between having released and still loving and holding on.

Xxx

Last edited by job; 08/20/17 12:18 AM. Reason: edited a word for Sotto

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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wow Pax... you are so much more articulate than me! Perfect timing for me to read your latest post. That is certainly some food for though. I can certainly see your point and think I am coming around to agree with it. ugh! It does make me sad though. Maybe sometimes D is for the best. I think that clean break like you mention is really needed. hmph!

Anyway, thanks for writing your thoughts out so clearly, it really helps me reading them. Enjoy your Sunday!

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