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#2756446 08/14/17 01:40 PM
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......like a drifter I was born to walk alone

Job was absolutely right. I have built up anger, disappointment and frustration, so I took her advice on a vent thread. Because I have been bottling it up because I have not wanted to admit I have these feelings.

Oh, but I do. Like I couldn't tell you how much it p!sses me off that my ex went to my volleyball game and said he got a point on 13 serves straight. And what a good night it was playing. Here I am preparing for surgery and a long tough recovery and he is playing in my spot and having fun. I know my injury was an unlucky accident. I am glad I don't have to deal with anything life threatening. But I think the universe keeps giving me the middle finger when I know my ex is doing what I should be doing right now in my place. It really just all feels like a big "F-you". I have been watching this man get what he wants living the good life for 9 years while I struggle and work d@mn hard to have a good life. And here I am. Still single, still doing it all on my own, and injured! And before anyone says "you don't know that he is happy". Yes, he is. He is happy. He got exactly what he wanted. It is working out quite well for him actually. He really likes the life he has. And really, I don't even want him to suffer. I don't care about that. I am just baffled sometimes when I look at the people around me getting just what they want, not caring who gets hurt, and what I have been working so hard for I can't quite grasp. I really do feel like the universe is telling me to give up doing what I enjoy, to give up the hope for love and just to accept things as they are. But they aren't how I want them to be.

So, yeah, I am very angry. I have angry tears. I am not going to stay here, I have been avoiding being here, but I am just soooooooooo freaking tired. Completely emotionally drained.

On a good note. I enjoyed seeing my friends this weekend as always. I had this really big paper due and I didn't hand it in on time. I did not make an adult decision and stay home all weekend and work on it. I just knew it was my last weekend before I am down for the count so I wanted to have some fun. ANd I did. I just paid for it later, haha.

I feel a little better now, thank Job for the idea. And the support as always.



Ginger1 #2756506 08/15/17 01:53 AM
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“The paramount terror that plagues humankind is to live a meaningless life of an exile, an incomplete person whom fails to experience the rapture of living in an astonishing manner.”

― Kilroy J. Oldster

doodler #2756834 08/17/17 04:54 AM
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Just paid a £2500 bill to my L, so about £3500 so far. Confident he's spent as much if not more, and neither of us have any spare cash floating around...

For a D I never wanted. Because my MLC/depressed H wouldn't talk to me, reply to emails or go to mediation....

For that much, we could have taken a long round the world trip and talked stuff out on beaches with cocktails, and eating street food in Asia, and learning to surf and climbing mountains....grrr...only another £5000 to go and the divorce will cost more than our 2003 wedding just without dancing, kisses and cake...


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Treasur #2757119 08/19/17 09:51 AM
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I made it through surgery! One of my coworkers was a former OR nurse where I had my surgery and she made a few phone calls and I was greeted with hugs by all the nurses. It was really really nice. Everything went smoothly. I was pain free from the nerve block until a few hours ago. I am managing the pain with the meds. I alo have a high tolerance. I have an ace bandage, an ice wrap and a huge brace on. I use the crutches to go from couch to bathroom. My dad and stepmom are taking very good care of me. So did my D9 while she was here. And get this:

My dad took me to get my car serviced and I needed 2 new tires, an alignment and an oil change putting me out almost $500. Theys aid my battery was critically low and wanted a crazy price. I spoke to my ex (he used to manage firestone where I went) and I asked his advice. he offered to go to Costco for me, get a battery and put it in for me! He went there and found out they didn't have it in stock, but found out which on I needed and found it on amazon. He said if I buy it, he will put it in for me when he gets back. I was so shocked at his very nice gesture. But I am certainly taking him up on it.

I have had so many wonderful friends reach out to me just to see how I feel and offer help and I have a few people this week who will bring me food and spend some time with me. I am a very fortunate woman. My dad and stepmom might come back next weekend.

Not so much of a vent this post, more of gratefulness. I can still recognize the good smile

Ginger1 #2757125 08/19/17 10:25 AM
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I'm so happy to hear you so much more upbeat. Sending you speedy healing and the continued warmth of the people who care about you.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2757143 08/19/17 03:52 PM
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Glad to hear all went well and awesome to hear about the support you're getting from everyone. It really shows you've unlocked the secret to peace of mind: pain medication appreciation smile


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2757172 08/20/17 12:17 AM
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I am very happy to read that your surgery went well, you are home and yes...have a lot of support. Don't be afraid to ask for assistance. Your family and friends are there and want to help you any way that they can.

As for your xh offering to help...definitely take him up on his offer.

Take it easy and just enjoy the TLC you are getting from others right now. Don't over do it just because the pain meds are helping...do exactly what the doctor has told you and, in no time, you will be recovered and on your way again!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2757194 08/20/17 07:09 AM
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Ginger,
I'm so sorry things have been so rough lately but very glad your surgery went well and you're now healing. As for you vent post, vent all you need! I know you think your ex is happy and everyone else around just hurt people and end up getting the way they want. I'm starting to see some of that also and it does confuse me. But, never never give up on love. The universe isn't telling you to give up on that. I have no clue what it's saying but I'm sure it's not to give up. You're an incredible women who has been through so much, it's turned you into who you are today and that enough is worth it. Don't stop doing the things you love and don't give up on love. Scream and shout at how unfair things can be, because they are, but remember you're an inspiration to some of us at how to handle that unfairness and still be hopeful and enjoy life.

I'm glad to hear about how everyone has helped you through the surgery. It really is great you have people around you that care so much.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg #2757246 08/21/17 02:58 AM
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So glad your surgery went well and you have help during your recovery. I, like other before me have said, am so glad to hear your positivity. Keep it up! Take care of yourself and enjoy all the help.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2757325 08/21/17 08:46 AM
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Thank you all for the well wishes! I think my PMA has to do with my family being here. I really like having them here. It's nice to have other people around, ya know? My dad is staying one more night because I am not ready to be on my own yet. My dad changed my showerhead for me to a sprayer and I got a lawnchair and I showered today! He set up my new printer and my new bedding. They are taking excellent care of me. I hate having people wait on me but I don't have much of a choice.

So, yesterday would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. I have no feelings towards it anymore because we were only married 4 years, they have 6 under their belt. But I just don't forget dates.

Weirdness was today when D9 called me from vacation and she was with her grandma and OWW's mother. OWW's mother gets on the phone with me to ask how I am feeling and to wish me a speedy recovery. Just weird.

Fogg, I read your post a few times. I admit, I teared up a little. I a glad I could an inspiration on how to handle unfairness. I think it all just caught up to me lately. And you have inspired me not to give up on love. Because I really was there. Sometimes I figure love might not be meant for me. But I am going to keep a little hope that it will happen when it's meant to. I am lucky to have received love in every form but romantic in my life. But I am really ready for that kind of love.

Zues, these painkillers stink! I have a reaction to almost everything and I have been not sleeping and itching like heck. But finally yesterday I slept all day.

If I sound weird and babbly it's because of the pain meds. I had something much more eloquent in my head, but I am a bit loopy

Ginger1 #2757364 08/21/17 01:37 PM
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Glad your surgery went ok ginger!

It is surreal to have OWs mother wishing you a recovery. Honestly, i think its just a testament as to what a likeable, relatable and popular person you are. Bet ya cant say the same about her daughter.

It was my anniversary last week. I only just now remembered it after reading your post. It doesnt mean im healed, only that i have more obsessive things that are occupying my mind.

And im with you, trying to acclimate to the unfairness of life. Im amazed at how some people and marriages survive, yet mine didnt last.
I camt believe how easy of a time the walkaways on here seem to have meeting people they connect with. I still would rather be us then them though.

And i agree with what fogg said. You are a really great and inspirational person. Get plenty of rest and hope your bqck to yourself as quickly as possible.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2757399 08/22/17 02:11 AM
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Glad to hear surgery went well and that people are giving you love and care, Ginger.

I know we all wince to see the pain and sorrow in this forum. But it is also about love. Hundreds of love stories, love in impossible situations, love for spouses and children and family. The kind of gritty real love that is hard to do and an extraordinary gift. And love for each other too. The love is worth celebrating even if some of our spouses no longer want it or feel it.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Treasur #2757411 08/22/17 02:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: Treasur
Glad to hear surgery went well and that people are giving you love and care, Ginger.

I know we all wince to see the pain and sorrow in this forum. But it is also about love. Hundreds of love stories, love in impossible situations, love for spouses and children and family. The kind of gritty real love that is hard to do and an extraordinary gift. And love for each other too. The love is worth celebrating even if some of our spouses no longer want it or feel it.


Love this! Thank you.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
focus22 #2757478 08/22/17 06:07 AM
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Yes it's so true that there is a great deal of love and humanity on this forum. It's what keeps me coming back, even though all things relating to my M are long settled.

Ginger, pleased to hear that things went smoothly with your op and I wish you a speedy recovery. :)xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ginger1 #2757484 08/22/17 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
If I sound weird and babbly it's because of the pain meds. I had something much more eloquent in my head, but I am a bit loopy


Ginger,

I'm also glad things are going well for you. And, like you, I always have something more eloquent in my head, but as soon as I start writing it comes out completely differently.

I hope you heal quickly, but in the meantime, you should enjoy sitting around while you can.

Ginger1 #2757954 08/25/17 02:13 AM
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Thanks Juju and treasur.

I don't know where my PMA is right now because I think I am going a little nutty. I am sad my dad and stepmom are gone and I am home alone all day on the couch. My baby is still on vacation but she calls me and texts me and even took me shopping with her at the old navy outlet yesterday via FaceTime. She wanted me to help her pick out clothes. She was rude to OWW for a minute there and I had to tell her not to be disrespectful and apologize. She did.

I have had some visitors at night who have brought me food and some things to keep me busy. The weather is gorgeous here and I want out so bad. I managed to climb up my back 2 patio steps yesterday and enjoyed the weather. I may be a rebel and hop in the car today and go through the rive through at starbucks.

When the summer nears, I get sad and a little anxiety. I don't do good with the winter or the holidays. Last year, I had my gym and my new friends, something structured to do and that really helped me. Five nights a week I had some where to be and I was a part of a group and I was getting fit, and I made friends. I don't have that this year.

I was also thinking about how I would give anything to go back to the months of February through May. Yes, FF and me time. I would give a leg (kind of a pun) to have that back. I had never felt so good in so many years of my life as I did during that time. It was finally a time in my life I knew why I was going through everything I did for the past 10 years of my life. For the sweetness of that time.

I do look at how the WAS finds someone immediately or even during, and even those who have been on here, didn't save their marriage, but are getting remarried, or in a LTR. Then there is me, once again, an exception to the rule. I wish I knew why. But maybe there is no explanation. It's just bad luck like my knee was. I did nothing wrong with me knee. I jumped. ANd it as nothing more than bad luck and there is no explanation. Maybe that's why I am still single and nothing has worked out yet. Bad luck. I don't think I could have done anything different if I tried. I don't like feeling helpless. I like to know there is something I can do to change the outcome, because I will do it, and I will give it my all. But there is simply nothing I can do.

Good news is the paper I wrote while I was in pain and all dopey I got full-credit for. I was nervous for that one. I am almost done with school. It will be such a relief. Sometimes I can't believe I will have actually done it. I'm proud of me.

Today I will begin my paper for Sunday. Sunday my dad and stepmom are taking me and gabby to a local resturaunt which is at our airport (would you imagine my 8 sq mi town doesn't have a highschool, but it has an airport) and we are going to eat dinner outside. That's what I wanted very badly, just to be outside and enjoy the weather before it is gone. I love them for making it happen.

I am hanging in. No visitors today or tomorrow unfortunately, but I will keep busy. But for the meantime, I am learning to enjoy my time to do absolutely nothing. It's weird as heck.

Ginger1 #2757978 08/25/17 04:24 AM
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Great job on the paper! Keep it up.

Why does it have to be bad luck as the reason you aren't remarried or in a LTR? Why can't it be it good luck you had time to find yourself, grow as a person and wait for the right situation to come around? Just because it's taken time to happen doesn't mean it will never happen, life happens on its own timeline for us all. I'm at almost 3 years and I understand part of the pain, so Im sure I'll relate to some of the feelings. Seeing people jump in and it all works out, or appears to. But does it really? No one really knows how healthy a R is looking at it from the outside. I know someone and on FB they appear to have a great and loving M and family. After BD I talked with her and we discussed things and it turns out she's one step from being a WAW. Appearance isnt everything and I think you've developed alot of the great qualities as an individual that people lack and never take the chance to develop. A R in time will come and you will be ready for it no matter what happens. Fight through the lies telling you something is wrong or it's bad luck.

I'd take 10 years on my own vs getting sucked into the wrong relationship, spin it to a positive even if it's not what you would prefer or happens to others.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg #2757985 08/25/17 04:56 AM
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I empathize with this. I also am used to being able to change things/try harder/take action/etc. to get things to be how I want them to be or to be successful (miss type A valedictorian/4.0 college student/always president of everything over here) and this is the one area where it's literally outside my control because the outcome has to depend on someone else. Sometimes I want to go on "love at first sight", the show where a psychologist picks a match for you and then you marry them sight unseen. At least I know they're in it despite having no idea what they're getting into laugh I miss those "being in a relationship" times too and just having someone to watch TV with or tell about your day or get a text from. Keep us informed on what works to get that PMA back smile


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
KGirl #2757988 08/25/17 05:13 AM
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I TOTALLY agree with Fogg...I'm wondering why it has to be bad luck that you aren't remarried or in a LTR. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand where you are coming from because I occasionally get that same feeling, but then I remind myself that I'm happy and life is good and when it the time is right, love will find me again. Maybe it is just because I'm getting older and grouchier, but I don't mind the alone time. Sure, I miss intimacy; I miss lots of things about having a partner, actually, but when I really look at how my life is going, it is pretty darn good. I know it is easier said than done, but you have SO much positive to focus on, so try that and maybe it will alleviate some of that pressure that you put on yourself. I think that you and I approach things from very similar mindsets sometimes and trust me when I say I KNOW it can be hard to keep a sunny outlook. I have to REALLY fight to do it some days, but I do because I find that everything just seems to go better that way. Hang in there, lady. You are amazing and there is some amazing guy out there who is going to bowl you over when the time is right. wink


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2758293 08/28/17 01:33 AM
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Fogg, Kgril, and Dawn,

I have been thinking about things (because really, I have plenty of time). Fogg, I would have to say it was about at the 5 year point that I began to feel this way, only to have it intensify over the past few years. I embraced those first 5 years (after getting over the tragedy and obstablces I had ) and I took that time for me. I reconnected fully with my long time friends, I made new ones, I had a social life of my own, I did and continue to the do the best as a motherless and partnerless newbie mom. I developed hobbies, and I enjoyed doing my own thing with no one to answer to. It was great. I found out who ME was independent of anyone else. Sure, I had a guy in my life and we were eachothers default for companionship. But otherwise my life has been solo for most of my real adult years. The desire to share my new found life became really apparent at year five, and only increased as time went on. Then when I got a taste of it, it because just too strong I guess. I went from 27 year old new mom divorcee and now I am a woman reaching her 40's (yikes) and I lost my chance at another child, and I am just needing what I haven't gotten, well, ever really in my life.

That being said, oh yes, I would way rather be single than with the wrong guy. I married the wrong guy and look where that got me! And I have had some valuable lessons dating the past few years where I am still learning about myself and relationships.

I guess with all the time on my hands, I have had time to sit here and really see I am an oddity. I just don't know why it hasn't happened. I am better at stopping the thoughts that want to creep in that say "you are unlovable". Because I think I am worth the whole shebang. I really do thing I have a lot to offer. I want to be the woman who a guy couldn't just give or take so easily, but couldn't imagine not being with me.

Whatever the reason, it's obvious I still have to be utterly patient.

One last downer, then I will get to the happy stuff.

I am absolutely thrilled my baby is home from her vacation! My dad and his wife came back this weekend, we went out to dinner Saturday which felt sooooo good, we took a spin (literally, I got a motorized cart)and went shopping at Walmart because I could! Thenw e ate outside at the airport and it was nice. Today is my first post-op apt and I will be starting PT this week.

Ok, so, this is just me journaling my feelings, not a complaint. My ex and OWW took D9 to a concert 2 days before leaving for vacation, went on vacation, now they are home and this week he will take her to this kiddie park with her aunt and cousins. I am happy he does stuff with her. But the Disney dad thing gets under my skin sometimes while I do the real parenting and he just has the fun. My most important outcome is my daughter is happy and is getting these experiences. But yeah, it bothers me I can't be the one. I did not bring her on vacation this year, I got injured early in the summer so we couldn't do too many activities. And now on the days she has home with me before summer ends I really can't do anything with her. It just stinks. Next year I have got to give her a vacation. Oh, and she gets a cruise next year because that is what his sister wants for her 40th birthday. For everyone to go on a cruise. So, yes, I am happy my child gets these experiences. My inability to give her them makes me sad.

I am doing my best to remain patient in all areas of my life. Patient in waiting to heal, to get back out there and have some fun, to find the right guy. It's a whole lot of patience that I admittedly run out of sometimes.

Hey, I finished my last full class! I can't believe I am going to be Ginger RN, BSN soon.

I do look back on my life and I have accomplished a lot, on my own, against many odds. I take great pride in that.

Ginger1 #2758329 08/28/17 03:36 AM
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Congratulations! Thats an awesome accomplishment. Not easy, while working full time, being a single mom and injured. I hope you realize how amazing that is. Singles out of school with no obligations struggle. So i hope you dind a way to celebrate.

I am thinking about my own situation and relating it to you. It seems that when one really doesnt care about something, they are more sought after. (In my life im seeing this with jobs, and men that i have no interest in)

Perhaps its developing an attitude where you can take it or leave it, that attracts relationships, jobs, friendships. Its the real xoncept of letting go. (Either that or i have just become numb. smile )


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2758651 08/29/17 02:51 PM
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Thanks Juju,

I have tried to let go of what I want. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could take it or leave it and I keep trying to think that way. I delved in a little with my IC about how I grew up doing just that. I pretended like I didn't care if I had a normal family, or a normal mom, or a home to go back to when I left at 18. I pretended like I was little miss tough where nothing affected me. I pretended in high school like I didn't care I was ugly and that I didn't care that guys weren't interested in me. Actually I went through this somewhat of this hot topic kind of girl phase with the JNCO jeans and rock t shirts (I did atleast actually like the bands) chain wallet thing going on. I realized when I got older it was because I knew if I dressed like that it was a different reason why the boys didn't want me. Because it was a CHOICE to look as I did and if they didn't like my choice, too bad. But if I dressed in the trendy clothes like the other girls, then I knew why they were rejecting me and that hurt too much.

From 18 on I had a lot of anger. I only realize that now too. I was angry with my mom, I was angry the way my life turned out, then later I was angry with my ex.... and that anger began when we began dating. I was angry for him treating me crappy while I over extended myself for him to just love me and choose me. Most of that anger actually left after the divorce. I finally let myself really feel. And the anger was something that wasn't building up anymore.

Right now I don't have a choice but to really let go of what I want. I don't want to become angry again. My way of not becoming angry is honoring what I want, not pretending like I don't want or need it, but rather in a way, grieving what I don't have while appreciating what I do. Sometimes it's just difficult.

This morning D9's friend was coming over after we went to pick up my online grocery order and go to walgreens to get a present for the ex and pick up scripts. I get back in the car and yup, that battery did die on me. I called D9'sfriends mom and she came, and we learned how to jump start a car. I went and got a new battery installed today when ex took D9 for a few hours for his Bday. D9 and her friend baked cupcakes and we made him a mini bundt cake, frosted it and put a candle it. I cooked my first meal today since surgery. I was on my leg a lot and it hurt, but I'm getting back to life. We waited an hour past my apt time yesterday, but I got my stiches out and I start PT tomorrow.

Ii had a really sad dream the other night about FF. It's kind of weird, in the day, every time he pops in my head, my brain has learned to reject him because it's rejecting a pain I feel. Which I guess is good. But that dumb dream.

Last night I got back in my bed last night and got to sleep without the brace, but I am not sleeping well. Aleast I was more comfortable.

I just neededto journal that out.

I am actually not as miserable of a person as I come across. I am usually funny and laughing and energetic. I just have to find my "thing" that isn't exercise going through the holiday season.

I always make it work somehow!

Ginger1 #2758653 08/29/17 03:13 PM
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If you haven't read this book yet, I HIGHLY recommend How to Be an Adult in Relationships by Richo He also has another book called When the Past is Present that might be useful to you as well.

kml #2758738 08/30/17 04:45 AM
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Ginger, I read your latest post and while I could probably comment on a few things, I really just wanted to comment on one of the very last things you said....about you aren't actually as miserable as you come across. For whatever it is worth, I don't think you come across as miserable at all. You have had some crappy luck lately between the whole thing with FF and your surgery and such issues, but you have faced them all with strength and determination. That's not miserable in my book, but a victory. I think you are a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders and you know what you want and what you don't want (which is sometimes just as important as knowing what you DO want, if that makes sense). Hang in there and keep on keeping on. I think you are a wonderful example of how to face tough, stressful issues with grace.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2759033 08/31/17 12:24 PM
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Thank you Dawn, hearing you say that means a lot. I have hit a significant rough patch every year, and I just have to plow through them the best I can. I feel like I am a person who really has her sh!t together but other times, I think I might be losing it. I think they call that adulthood?

I do feel like I keep ending up with situations that test the strength of my heart and my ability to be strong and graceful. I have one situation that will always be there that will never go away, and that is my ex and his OWW. Forever, there affair will be in face. I can't hide from it. I had a suggested friend request on FB from OWW again. Her profile pic of them is a close up of the three of them. It hurts. It will always sting, but I have learned to tuck that hurt away.

The other night on ex's birthday I got a missed call from his at 2am. I don't know if he butt dialed me or drunk dialed me, or even worse, sex dialed me. I texted him in the morning and I said "wild birthday night, huh?" He just replied "yes". He's an interesting character.

Something else noteworthy that kind of blew me away.... D9 and I were having a conversation and she said whenever OW wife ties to teach or tell something to D9, she looks at ex, not at her because she is worried she is saying the wrong thing. I was simply blown away by this observation of a 10 year old. And she is right on target. He has a way of doing this to people. Blown away.

I am back in PT but can't do too much yet. I am in it for the long haul though, atleast through novemeber. Good news is, she says it will be a long road and we will get there slowly but she will have be doing plyometrics and box jumps and all my pre-injury activity. I am excited for that. Right now, I am just working on bending my knee to 90 degrees. Something I never thought would be so hard!

I go to hospice orientation tomorrow and for 5 hours I have to sit in a chair. It is surely going to cause me lots of pain, because I did it for 2 hours when I went out with friends last night and that was enough. And I had drinks to help. Hopefully it won't be too awful. My lovely coworkers all chipped in to get me a gift certificate to my favorite Chinese resturaunt so I don't have to cook too much. It was very sweet. So tomorrow night D9 and I will be doing our Chinese Friday she so loves.

Ellie,

I haven't read those books. I'm not big on self help, I have only read DR and forgive to forget. I have plenty of time to read so I will give them a shot, thanks!

Ginger1 #2759084 09/01/17 01:09 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Thank you Dawn, hearing you say that means a lot. I have hit a significant rough patch every year, and I just have to plow through them the best I can. I feel like I am a person who really has her sh!t together but other times, I think I might be losing it. I think they call that adulthood?


I think that is, indeed, "adulthood", Ginger. And sometimes adulthood absolutely [censored]. But, I know exactly what you mean. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world and sometimes I feel like I don't know my own a$$ from a hole in the ground. Adulting........not for the faint of heart.

I get what you are saying about your situation that will never go away. I am always struck by how similar our lives are in some ways and I, too, have the XH married to his OW and it will always be right there in front of me, so to speak, since I still have a relationship with the girls. It helps that he lives 1600 miles away from me so it is not in my face all the time, but at some point, I'm pretty sure they will move back here and then I will have to see them more. UGH. I just try not to worry about it and think (or should I say hope) that there is someone WAY better out there for me.

Hang in there, lady....you are doing amazing.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2759432 09/03/17 05:59 AM
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Yesterday I found out that someone I went to school with form kindergarten until we graduated high school was on hospice for metastatic breast cancer. She died this morning in her husbands arms. We were FB friends and our daughters had the same name. She also has a son. She went off of FB about a year ago. She kept her battle very private. We were in the same friend group throughout middle school. We were pretty close back then. I remember in the 6th grade we became "patrols" for the younger kids and had posts. She had a very special one..... there was a little girl with Downs Syndrome who was mainstreamed in our school. She was in charge of just her morning and night. Because of her she decided she wanted to be a special ed teacher and that's exactly what she became.

36 years old. A friend has sent me the post form Instagram he wrote after she passed this morning. I can't stop the tears. She died in her husbands arms surrounded my her family.

It's just so incredibly sad.

Ginger1 #2759637 09/04/17 11:35 AM
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Hi Ginger,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. That is incredibly sad and difficult. We never know what someone is truly going thru.

I'm with Dawn. I never think you sound miserable. I think you sound human. We all have challenges and I always appreciate your candor.

Sending you a hug.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgiabelle #2759684 09/05/17 12:18 AM
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I am so sorry to read about your friend. She had a difficult struggle and is now at peace w/no pain. We just never know when we wake up in the morning what the day will hold for any of us. Keeping your friend in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2759713 09/05/17 02:13 AM
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Big hugs, Ginger. How sad, but how beautiful that she was able to go surrounded by those who loved her most. Hang in there!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2759871 09/05/17 09:28 AM
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Thank you for your condolences. I cried for her kids, for her husband. She has a 5 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. Her husband loved her more than anything. I found out when she got her terminal diagnosis that her and her husband renewed their vows. She did pass very loved, cherished, and peacefully.

I have pretty much been alone in isolation for the last few days and I am losing my mind a bit. D9 came home last night from her dad's, I was alone all day the day before until I went out to dinner for my aunt's birthday, and then I was alone all day until she came home. Today we got mani Pedi's and grabbed ome pizza for lunch, and her friend invited her over so she's been there and she texted and asked if she could have dinner there too. So I am solo for dinner again! The isolation is rough. I can be alone better when I can go out and do stuff, but I am limited. My grocery shopping trip was more than I could handle.

When I saw my IC last week, she asked me how I felt when my dad and stepmom left. I told her I was very sad. She said she figured I would be. She understands how much I loved having others around and how difficult it is for them to leave. While I have friends, I don't have much family, and my life really is lonely. And when holidays come around, my friends are with their families at home or on vacation. I basically grilled myself my own labor dinner dinner last night and had a beer.

Yes, I am losing my ever loving mind. I am actually looking forward to going back to work. I need adults around! My manager texted me today and told me she hoped I was feeling better and to have a speedy recovery because they need me back. It's nice to be needed, lol. Especially when I was feeling extremely stepped on by one of the newer ones.

Friday night is D9's pep rally. It's also his night, but I am taking D9 and her friend. I figured he would meet us there and take her home. Well, he has a retirement part. Guess who is meeting me. That's right, OWW. It's going to be me and her. Right now I don't feel like I have it in me. I usually hang out with the parents of D9's friend who I am bringing, but I don't think they can get their until later if they are even coming. Now it will be me and OWW. I am pretty sure I am bringing a flask.

Sounds dumb, but every time cheerleading season rolls around, I imagine brining my imaginary boyfriend with me to cheer my daughter on. Another season is here and I get to hang with my ex husbands affair partner!

Never in a million years!!!

Ginger1 #2760518 09/08/17 01:28 PM
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Ugh! I know you know it already, but you have a fantastic life (except for your current injury which will get better) and your affair partner is stuck with your very scummy ex. Plus shes a hoarder. Enough said.

I smiled when I read your past few posts because I kept thinking, "Wow she is a classic extrovert! She should be around lots of people at this time" I think I am a mix of both, but i remember feeling the same way when I was on maternity leave. I went to work injured cause I could not handle being home without structure or socialization.

It will get better though.

I have fantasies too about being on a date, when I am out. I dont even have a crush on anyone, so it makes no sense. But you are not alone in that. Its normal to want a companion to share nice times with.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2760528 09/08/17 02:54 PM
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I have horrible guilt because I feel like I do not have a fantastic life. My life would suck with my ex still in it but as it is right now, I feel kind of miserable at times and I feel guilty feeling that way. When ex left me I was barely 28. I heard from everyone else "you are so young, you have a chance to start over, get remarried, still have another child". Well, now I am 37 and none of that ever happened and the other child definitely won't and getting remarried is looking pretty bleak. My life is no where near I want it to be. But it's not bad it simply "stable" I guess.

I always thought I was an introvert. I had a small close circle of friends, and I blended in. I was kind of embarrassed growing up of my life. I lived in a small middle class town, and I was the child of a drug addict. I don't think the other parents knew too much of my life, but I guess I was always a little embarrassed. I kept to myself and stayed inside my circle of friends. It was safe. I realize now that I am an extrovert although I need my alone time to recharge. I like to be around those I connect with. I thrive on that.

OWW did not come tonight. It was ex's night but I didn't need her to sleep there anymore, so I kept D9. I brought her best friend to the pep rally tonight and I had a realization. The only school parents I am friends with is D9's BFF's parents. ANd they were there tonight which is why I brought her. Other than that, I never made any "mom" friends. They are all kind of cliquey in my town and their kids have siblings and they all see eachother through other sports. I am friendly with another mom but just basic friendly. I think part of me was always too insecure to become friends with the other parents because of the single parent status. It's not an unusual thing to be a single parent but there wasn't many in my town, and none as young as me. I regret not making more, but it is what it is. I should have been more involved with school stuff, but I didn't know how to make it work.

I have no date prospects right now, absolutely nothing. I haven't since FF and I broke up. It's lonely. I would love a date. Tomorrow night after the game I will go home alone and maybe treat myself to some sushi.

Today I spent too much money getting my hair done. But I needed to feel good about myself. So I got rid of the gray, got some peekaboo highlights and a cut. Tomorrow night for D9's game I am going to maybe even wear some makeup. It's hard to feel pretty dragging around a leg in a huge brace.

On a good note, D9 loves loves loves middle school! She loves school in general which is great. Her teacher is best friends with a high school friend of mine. Then she switches one class and that teacher today asked "are you so and so's daughter?" She recognized her last name and knows ex and his sister. I remembered her when I found out her maiden name. Hopefully she doesn't hold being ex's daughter against her, lol.

My bad season is coming upon me. I do really horrible with the holidays and the fall, while beautiful, depressed me. Joining that gym last year helped lift the depression a little. Having somewhere to go 5 nights a week, seeing those new friends and keeping my body healthy really helped.

I'm just praying for a change.

Ginger1 #2760532 09/08/17 03:54 PM
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Vitamin D 5,000 IU/d and a light box will do wonders for seasonal depression.

Dating and mom friends - both do require effort. But it's important to put that effort out. I'm a friendly introvert (I'm not shy, but I need my alone time to recharge).
When I was married, my extroverted ex-husband would arrange dinner parties and camping trips with friends (the friends HE liked, he was intolerant of spending time with anyone HE didn't enjoy).

I didn't keep in touch with those friends after the divorce (honestly, most of the women were gossipy - not my thing).

I have one super-close female friend, that I've known for thirty years. We talk almost daily and lunch together a couple of times a week. And I have casual friends that I see occasionally, but as I get older (61) I can see that my laziness in this arena is a bad thing. I need a bigger network of close friends - the happiest older people that I have seen were ones that had an active social life with a group of friends that they had for years. I also see how my 85 year old mom has outlived her few close friends and all but one of her six siblings, and how her shyness has kept her from making new friends.

So one of my goals going forward is to work harder on broadening that circle of good friends, and try to create a more sustainable long term circle of good friends. Towards that end, I'm starting a "goals group" with my friend and some other women - kind of like a deeper bucket list. Not about one-off items like skydiving, but big picture things - what have I not accomplished yet in my personal, professional or financial life, that I would like to? How do I prioritize those choices? And how do I begin to manifest them in my life?

What kind of group might you be interested in starting?

kml #2760533 09/08/17 04:09 PM
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Oh, and about children? You never know what the future may hold.

My sister had secondary infertility after her daughter was born. Then her sociopath husband left her when her daughter was five. She remarried a man who also had a daughter and had had a vasectomy,
Her relationship with the stepdaughter was and is difficult, through no fault of my sister's (honestly, she's pretty saintly) but due to stepdaughter's own issues and poison pills from stepdaughter's mom.
But when my niece was in her early teens, my sister was running a home daycare. One of her kids was a 7 year old in the care of a "aunt and uncle" by marriage (not biological). Her mother was a drug addict and the grandmother lost custody for not getting her the surgery she needed for her congenital heart condition in a timely manner (she has hypo plastic left heart).

Anyway - the aunt and uncle were divorcing and weren't willing to keep her any more, and she was going to end up in the foster care system. My sister hadn't planned on adopting, but she couldn't bear to see this kid lost to the system, and her husband and my niece encouraged her to overcome her fears, and they adopted her,

Well, she turned into the second child my sister always wanted. She's sweet and kind and stunningly beautiful. With my sister's help she's overcome most of her academic challenges. She's a high school senior, a cheerleader (without the attitude), has a nice boyfriend, and is an all-around great kid loved by everyone in the family,

So - just saying - you don't know what the future might hold.

Last edited by job; 09/09/17 12:42 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
kml #2760720 09/10/17 03:55 AM
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Ellie,

I remember when D9 entered kindergarten I tried to sign her up for girl scouts. I emailed the person in charge, she never got back to me. Getting her into girls scouts was almost impossible. It never happened. It probably would have been the best thing for both of us. You are right, mom friends are important and its like dating! The good news is I made a few more when I chaperoned the 8th grade dance. I met some new ones so atleast I have some moms to talk to at these games, it's getting better.

As far as the other kid..... I know I could love someone elses kid as my own. Absolutely. I have. And I have also considered adoption and fostering. But I simply cannot afford it. Financially it is something I cannot handle. Unless I have another income coming into this household, I couldn't do it. But I have really honestly considered it.

D9 wants a brother real bad, haha. She would love for me to have another kid. ANd she would make the best sister. But if I could even manage to get a dog in here, things would be better.

Journaling,
Yesterday was a day of cheer for D9. We did pics in the morning and game at night. It was an away game and where we sat was the longest walk on grass, but I made it! I sat with D9's best friends parents and another mom and then ex comes on over with OWW's and her parents! I didn't know they would be attending. They are very kind to me and I am very kind back. They respect me as D9's mom and they love her like a grandchild. OWW was telling me how D9 is growing up and now goes to her bedroom and closes to door to get ready when dad is around and asked OWW how to put her bra on.

After the game, we were all by my car with OWW's family. ex calls his MIL "ma" and for some reason it stings me. His FIL put my chair in the car for me (even though I am capable) and I kissed and hugged my D9 and watched them all drive off with my baby as I went home alone. I sat in the car and just burst into tears. Actually, I shed them as I type now. I didn't expect the tear and on the way home I did what helps me. I stopped at Marshall's and went shopping. Unfortunatey where exercise used to soothe me, I now have shopping, eating and drinking, haha. So I bought myself a new wallet and a nice warm sweathshirt jacket for the games then I stopped at Smashburger because I hadn't eaten all day.

I get commended for how I handle this situation. I will be honest, it is so hard, and so painful for me at times. I do it for my little girl and because harboring animosity would only hurt me, not them. I want them to see I was someone who did not deserve what I got. That whatever was said about our marriage or the person I am is not true. Because to accept what their daughter did and to accept this man as a SIL, I am sure some horrible things were said about me to make this all ok. And I am not that person. And I just want my little girl to be happy and loved. And she is. Parents say they would do anything for their kids and this is truly a test of that saying. Throwing myself in front of a car would be easy to save her life. Giving her a kidney would be a piece of cake. This however has been anything I imagined giving my child to ensure her well being and happiness.

And every day I still go home alone. I still soothe myself, even if not the healthiest ways. I would just like someone to be there for me to hug when the pain gets bad. No one knows this about me at all. In this situation I feel isolated. I have friends who will say "it's good that OWW is good to her" Of course it is. But the degree of difficulty that comes with this I do not think could be understood unless one had to experience it. My BFF has kind of been MIA lately, and I really have been kind of alone in my thoughts. My next closest person is my dad and I can't share this stuff with him, because he basically tries to talk me out of feeling as I do because he doesn't want his daughter to feel pain. I know he is extremely proud of how I have come out on top despite all the adversity. I know he talks of me often with his friends. It means a lot.

On another note, my ex's cousin died of an OD yesterday. Very sad, he was in his early 30's with a wife and 3 year old. I saw him a few years back at a bookstore and he seemed like he was doing really well. I do find it interesting ex told me immediately after he found out. I know this as a fact because We were just on the phone discussing the bday cake he got D9 for today. less than an hour later he tells me. All his major news in his life, I am still one of the immediate people he tells. I am sure his wife first, but then usually me. I am going to be connected to him, his wife and the whole family in some form for the rest of my life.

Could that have been anymore long winded? If anyone actually made it to the end, I commend you, lol. I just needed to journal.

Ginger1 #2760735 09/10/17 06:36 AM
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Girl, you are doing the right thing and I can only imagine how crazy difficult it must be. Take some comfort though in knowing that all that OWW "won" is a crappy husband!

My kids were college age when my ex left and I am forever grateful that the girl he married was not One of his affair partners, but someone that he met almost a year later. Still it's difficult because she's his Asian "dream girl" and almost twenty years younger. She wasn't responsible for the end of the marriage, but the IDEA of someone like her was. I'm grateful that she treats my kids ok but honestly I would have trouble having to spend time with her the way you do with OWW, and she wasn't even around when ex left! I admire your fortitude and yes , doing the right thing is HARD sometimes but that's what we momma bears do for our kids.

My sister - same one I mentioned above - had to make nice with the OW that her first husband married, because her oldest daughter would visit them and OW went on to have two boys who are my niece's half brothers. When my sister's ex cheated on that wife too, the OW wife actually apologized to my sister.

Think how often your Ex's OWW must think about the possibility of him cheating on her. If you marry someone in circumstances like theirs, it must never be far from her mind.

You get a gold star.

kml #2760758 09/10/17 10:11 AM
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A lot of people don't really get it, until they live through it.
They don't have the actual "hands on" experience to recognize forms of deception. Or to even be bothered much by the thought of it. So OW and her parents, probably believed what ex was telling them, without truly understanding the pain that goes along with it. Kind of like child birth. You can read about the pain, but until ex does it to her (my guess is that its coming), none of them will get it.

"She wasn't responsible for the end of the marriage, but the IDEA of someone like her was."

Ugh. I get this. Now that I have my own "hands on" experience, I get what your saying. I just started an OLD account and I am being bombarded with messages from much older divorced men. I cant help but think that they are going for me because they couldn't be satisfied with women their own age. And then the men my age, are all going for the women significantly younger cause they were no longer satisfied with women my age.

I guess what i am saying is that because i lived through it (kind of) and lived through it vicariously through the pain of many of the women I have met on here, I would not date any of these much older guys that i believe were walkaways because I find the idea of it unfair and painful too.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2760775 09/10/17 12:34 PM
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It wasn't just that she was younger, but that she was Asian. The woman he had the affair with years before was also Asian. It's a surfer thing, having an Asian girlfriend.

As for older guys contacting you on dating sites - part of it is they all think they look younger than they really do lol! And yes, it's also a red flag for MLC (whether or not they are WASs). That being said, I dated men who were much younger than me, so it's not really fair for me to judge. I wouldn't completely rule out a guy because he was older, but he'd have to be pretty fit and healthy to offset the risk of ending up nursing a feeble old man.

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You know, when I found out about the A, I just prayed it would end and even if it wasn't us, it would be someone else who wasn't knowingly screwing a married man with a baby on the way so I didn't have to have these feelings. It was the one respite I wanted to get from the divorce. I accepted we would not be a family and we were not good for each other, but I prayed he would get rid of her and find a nice woman and she wouldn't be tarnished with horrible immoral doings. Instead they get married and have been married longer than we were. I hate it to bits. It hasn't bothered me this much in a long time. I don't know why it's coming up. I think it's back to the sheer "Unfairness". Now I wish atleast I could have had the opportunity to be in a committed relationship and that isn't even happening. I am leaving for IC soon and I think we have to figure this out because it's bringing me down.

About the Asian chicks? What's up with that? ExNG had a serious thing for Asian chicks. First, he had a crush on his sushi chef. He was open about it. He showed me a picture and I know this horrible, but she was NOT ATTRACTIVE. Then guess who he has waiting in the wings? Another Asian chick, that's the one he has been with ever since. And from confirmed sources, that is her allure. That is about it. She is more attractive, but he thinks she is the hottest thing.

Total TMI, but FF and I used to joke about a threesome. We set down ground rules and mine was "No Asians!!!" It was really just a game we played when we went out. BTW, 2 of my bestest friends are Asians, I have nothing against them. One is even setting me up with a friend..... we shall see how that goes.

In other news, my last class has begun and I go back to work on Thursday. I don't know how ready I am for that. Ready, but not ready. And tomorrow D9 officially becomes D10!!!D10, ex and I are going out for her traditional birthday dinner with just the 3 of us. I keep waiting for the year he asks to bring HER, but I think he knows better,

Ginger1 #2761136 09/12/17 05:09 AM
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(((((Ginger)))))

Sometimes I read your posts and think that you are typing them from inside my head. My marriage was over 3 years ago and I worked very hard to heal myself so that I could be in a place to move on. Now, I wouldn't take XH back for all the money and perks on this planet. Just would never happen. But, I still find myself, occasionally, thinking about the total unfairness of it all. He went straight from me to her with NO lag time. He was literally living with her 2 weeks after our divorce was final and the only reason it took him that long was because he wanted to spend Christmas with the girls, so he waited until after Christmas to go to her. Meanwhile, I did the work with a counselor to get over it and to get myself in a healthy place emotionally and now he's married to his affair and I'm stuck perpetually single without even the impending possibility of a committed relationship looming on the horizon. So, first, I'm sorry I hijacked your thread to talk about myself, but I said all that to say, I TOTALLY get where you are coming from 100% because I've been there done that. I, like you, don't think about it real often, but every once in a great while it rears its head and leaves me sad and emotional, which is one reason I was so off-kilter last week. Totally, completely, utterly understand and feel your "pain". Hang in there, lady. You are a vibrant person who will find love and happiness again.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Ginger1 #2761152 09/12/17 06:08 AM
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Regarding the unfairness...

It was very fair because the two of the them deserve each other.

Would you ever want to be married to a man capable of cheating on his pregnant wife?

It is much better to be alone then to be with a cheater or the type of man that is just waiting to cheat.

Now regarding your ex, he does have things easier then you. But would you ever want to trade lives with him? I would never want to be in their shoes. He has limited involvement with an absolutely beautiful little girl. There is no better gift then being a parent and he was too stupid and selfish to realize it.

I sometimes think that there are just different people in the world. Trying to understand them is like trying to understand why an alligator kills.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2761250 09/12/17 05:35 PM
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G, I'm sorry to hear the loss of your friend. So much loss for the family.

Did your D9.99 and the other children ever get together? Will you be seeing more of them?

Wishing them the strength needed to endure.

I'll post my other ramblings on my thread if I can muster it up. Take care G.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2761658 09/14/17 12:32 PM
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Dawn,

You did not hijack! you sympathized. And I am sorry you are in the position to sympathize with me. I understand exactly what you mean. NO matter how many years out we are from all of this, we continue to do work, the people who left us are still the same and they get what they want. We don't even want them to fail or be unhappy. It's about US now and how we deserve what we work hard for. I read your recent posts and I can feel your eagerness with college guy. Your eagerness comes from true love, not desperation. I do believe that what is meant for us will not miss us.

Juju,

It's not him I want or what they have that I feel is unfair I didn't get. The best part of her M with my ex is my daughter. I don't want their life. I had their life. I realized yesterday, on my D10's bday that despite all I've been through these past 10 years, they have truly been the best 10 years of my life, because in those 10 years I have been my D's mom. Easy or hard, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Zues,

Thank you for your condolences. Our kids never met and I haven't actually seen her in many years, but as a parent, I could imagine for her the hardest part of dying was leaving her babies. It breaks my heart to think about it.

I read your update and I think you described it. I feel like a ghost. A deeply feeling ghost, but nonetheless a ghost. Like I am hovering above my life and looking at it from the outside sometimes if that makes any sense.

I had my IC session. I did tell her emotionally I was still doing pretty poor. She told me every way I felt was expected. She understood my feelings of isolation. I have been feeling very isolated, and that is a bad feeling. I don't have my outlets either which is contributing to the isolation. Zues's happy place is shooting pool. Mine is exercising. Breathless exercise. She recognized the past few months have been a series of things that are just punches to the gut. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her unsettled. I just don't feel settled or in a safe place. It's a crappy feeling.

A good feeling was my D10 turning 10. She had a very nice day, I surprised her with a chocolate chip muffin with a candle for breakfast. Her dad and I took her to dinner. He wasn't remembering the restaurant we were going to and when I described it, he said "Oh yeah, you and I used to go there all the time" We did, but I wasn't going to remind him of that. We were waiting for our table and D10 went to the bathroom and watched her walk away with her sassy little walk and we look at each other and said "wow, she's really growing up. She really is.

I volunteered yesterday and I was walking up the stairs outside to the nursing home. One at a time of course. A cute cop is parked outside and sees me and asks if I need help up the stars. I said "I'm fine, thank you". Kicked myself in the butt for that one, could have been a great opportunity!

I went back to work today. it was great to see everyone. I forgot all my passwords, but luckily I remembered how to do my job, lol. By 1pm My leg was swollen from knee to foot and I was really uncomfortable. I iced it and elevated it on my garbage can, but I am going to have to do more. I went to PT and it was really tough today, but when I got it moving it felt much better. I had my all the PT's cracking up tonight, especially mine, over my cadaver ligament. It's a long story and I'll spare you, but hey, at least I can still make people laugh.

FF's sister hasn't liked any of my posts in a long time, but she liked my D10's birthday post. I got tempted to look at her page, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My IC says it's perfectly fine if I avoid the hurt. I feel weak because it would still hurt me, but she reminded me that I can avoid the pain and that is not weak.

I just don't want to feel like a ghost anymore. I want to feel alive. My IC thinks I am an incredibly well coping strong individual. I read what I write here and I sound like a depressed mess. But I function well, and I guess that's what counts.

Saturday ex can't make it to the game and I am glad. Sunday, me my dad, stepmother, D10 and her bestie are going to the Sugar Factory in NYC for her birthday gift. I am excited and so is she. Look it up. I'm going to need insulin, lol.

Again, if you made it to the end, I congratulate you.

Ginger1 #2761662 09/14/17 12:40 PM
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Oh, and I forgot to tell you guys this...

Remember that guy online who just ghosted me after one text? The one who had some crazy profile, called him out on it and we connected? Well, he sent me a message through match saying he knows what he did was crappy but he had a valid , but won't bore me with the details. he said if I was still interested and single to text him and he said some other stuff. I sat on whether or not I should text. I eventually did and I said " I have debating if it's nuts of me to respond ot the guy who ghosted me". I heard nothing. I just got pissed and sent another text "is this some weird game you like to play?" Nothing.

My luck with the men is non existent.

Ginger1 #2761732 09/15/17 01:41 AM
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I remember that guy Ginger. The one you gave profile advice to right? Well maybe his initial profile was accurate to the type of guy he really was!

I was reading an internet article with advice for women, I will forward it to you, but will post some of her more debatable points about it here to see opinions

Some of the things she advised was

1. Never contact men first. Now I know this is old fashioned. And I know that men will always say that's not true, they like to be contacted, or they are shy. And some people say that you will miss out on a nice, shy guy this way.

Well this author says that if a guy wants to meet you badly enough, they will figure it out. And that men who "aren't truly available prefer to take a passive approach". She says that by initiating contact you will get more dates, but with guys that arent really into you but that a guy that pursues will be more interested and have more value.

(BTW, I was the initiator with my ex)

2. Ignore guys with lazy opening lines.

3. He should pay for the date. You should not have to help him date you. ANd if he really likes you, it will be his pleasure to be generous within his budget. She says just a simple cup of coffee or juice bar is ok ( I know this one is up for debate)

4. Be aware of signs of disinterest and be quick to end it. Never work to engage him in conversation if he is unengaged (drinking, checking phone, acting flat)

5. When there are Any cancels or flaking out from a man don't immediately give him a 2nd chance. Pass up the first apology and see if he persists.

6. Limit initial meeting to an hour, even if you are having a good time. Have something scheduled after your meet up, like work or a meeting. He should have to setup a "proper date"

She is basically saying that it is natural for men to court and that it increases the attraction and chemistry for both genders when you abide by more traditional rules. It might not be logically and rationally fair in our more equalized society, but that is works on a more subconscious level.

Thoughts?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2761778 09/15/17 04:44 AM
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Good advice, but I take exception to one part - the "never contact a guy first" part.

Online dating is like being at a party and casually starting up a conversation with someone attractive that you see across the room. If you do nothing you won't get to speak to many people.

I found I generally had better luck by looking and saying hi to men I found interesting. Some of them might never have seen my profile otherwise, because of geography or age (some men, for instance, might have an age cutoff a year or two below my age but would be perfectly well interested in me since I am youthful.)

Men who contacted me often seemed to be using a shotgun approach and didn't seem to have even read my profile, or were clearly far from what I was looking for.

JujuB #2761791 09/15/17 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted By: JujuB
Thoughts?


I think it's very good information, but at this point in my life, I don't really want to date guys. What do I do?

doodler #2761871 09/16/17 01:12 AM
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Hello my friend.I am glad you are on the mend...albeit slowly. And knowing you, because we are so similar..you dont have time for slow. You want it fixed now.

So, I am going through some tough stuff. While I know there are others out there with far more burdens, these are mine and I am trying to embrace the fact that it is ok for me to feel worn down. Doesnt make me weak. It makes me human.

Once in awhile a thought creeps in about why bad stuff keeps happening to me and to those I love. I see people who seem to breeze through life without a challenge in the world. While I dont wish them anything different, I wonder about it. Then I realize I have no idea how their lives really are. They could have terrible burdens I dont know about.

Anyway, as I hate to feel sorry for myself, I try not to. But sometimes, I am just freakin tired of it all. So when you say you feel like a ghost, I know exactly what you mean. You put one foot (for you literally right now - ok, sorry, my bad) each day and get through it. But sometimes I dont want to just "get through" something. I want it fixed..done..gone.

You know me, so, I know you know I am not one to feel sorry for myself and I hope that isnt how I am coming across. I just mean that I would like to just have a small period in my life where things arent so freakin heavy.

I want a time when I am not waiting for the next shoe to drop, or that I am not waiting for when my life will be tranquil. And then I realize, I am wasting some valuable time waiting and that is just adding to the problem.

I have now started to practice mindfulness, which, for people like us, is kinda hard. Like I dont have time for that! LOL! But really, it is helping a little. I try to be in the moment and feel it. So that at least in that time, I am engaged in my life. I am not thinking about all the stuff that succks. I am just enjoying that minute, or hour.

As I said, I understand feeling like a ghost. That describes it exactly. And while I could say that things will get better. You will feel better. You will feel whole and fulfilled and where you should be. And that would be true. But if I say that, it negates how you are feeling right now. And I want to validate your feelings. You feel as you do and that is ok.

I used to say on here that one will not always feel the way they do in this moment. That things change and people and circumstances change and so do we. And that is true.

When the feelings come.. the overwhelming feeling, the something is missing feeling, the waiting for the bad thing feeling begin to set in, I have to remind myself that while my life doesnt look the way I want it to..I have gotten through a lot of stuff and I am ok. And that maybe this is how my life is supposed to be at this time.

G, it is ok to have the feelings you do. What isnt ok, at least for me, is to allow them to permeate into my being present in my life each day. And trust me when I tell you...it doesnt always work. But each day, I try. Some days I make it and some I dont, but that is the goal.

What I am trying to do now, is figure out how to change some things so that I feel a shift in some way. It includes letting go of some thoughts, some people, some actions and figuring out how to get closer to feeling like I am no longer a ghost. I have to do something different or I will stay stuck. Change the things I can, ya know?

You want someone to share your life with. You have tried it the way you have been. Maybe it's time to do something different. I think you have to put yourself out there. I mean really put yourself out there.

I would have said the same thing to the cop because that is our knee jerk reaction to having people wanting to help us. That we are ok. That we can handle it. And I am not saying you should have said anything differently because you and I are not game players. We are real. But maybe next time, try a funny remark or something else that would have engaged him.

Just be you, G. Your wonderful, sassy, funny you. Do it even when you dont feel like it. Force yourself sometimes. Because who cares what the heck people think as long as you are being true to you.

I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you feel as I feel it. But life is passing me by as I float among it. I dont want to do that anymore. I want to be a part of it. I want to experience all of it.

G, life can change in an instant. Tomorrow you could meet the person you were meant to be with. Until then, just be present in every moment. Let those things go that you can, like having to be with your ex and his wife. Because let's face it, you lived that life and now she has to..that must succk. I know its hard sometimes, but, who freakin cares about them? As long as they are good to our girl.. bye Felicia. smile

I am sorry you are feeling as you do. It is so hard to feel that way. It weighs us down. But we have weathered the toughest of storms and come out the other side stronger.

So, change things up some. Do something different. Any little shift can cause a different result.

I know you are going to keep going. I know you are ok. I know, without a single doubt, that you will figure it all out. Til then, know that there is a little Brooklyn girl rooting you on always. <3

uRworthy #2762053 09/17/17 01:46 PM
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Juju,

I just read the article and what you posted here. I agree with almost all of it and I do most of it. I am one of those independent women who doesn't need a man, and all that, but I am traditional somewhat. I rarely ever reach out to a guy, but I should if I am interested. I always let them pay and let them all first. I need to work on cutting down the date time, they all seem to go on for hours. I can carry a date pretty well even if there is no connection. I feel awkward ending it though. I ignore every guy with a lazy opening. I will respond to the ones who actually read my profile and seem interested.

I agree with men courting. Anyone I have picked the brain of anyone I have ever dating on their feelings towards that. Everyone of them wants to court the woman and feel like a man. They begin to not like it when they need to make all the decisions or are paying for everything as time goes on. But initially they really want to be the "man". And I want to be treated like the "woman".

When you marry your first real boyfriend you think you get to skip the dating part. I never imagined having real feelings for multiple men in my life. I saw exNG in a photo on FB today. First time in a long time. It was weird. Feelings of nostalgia and what could have been came back, but no longing.

I just want that ONE guy. Many is weird for me. But I have to go fishing to catch one, right?

Ginger1 #2762057 09/17/17 02:13 PM
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UR,

Nice to hear from you, my friend. I was hoping you would pop on by, actually.

I have always waited for the and other shoe to drop and it always has. ANd yes yes yes on becoming overwhelmed with the feelings like something is missing and this isn't the way my life should be. We are so much alike. You shared some of your struggles and I know you, like me, do the work and it's frustrating not to get the results. I am trying so hard to not sit in this right now but I am seriously struggling. When the hope leaves, I don't do well.

The ghost feeling. I don't feel like I am "me" right now. I feel like my tank keeps getting sucked dry and is not being replenished. I am running on emotionally empty.

The good news is I am taking advantage of what I can to feel just a little better. I am searching for ways to feel that shift. It hasn't helped that someone very important in my life hasn't been around. To have that one go-to person not be there is difficult. But on the plus side, I am spending more time with my cousin. We are going for a weekend in Chinatown and doing a food tour and staying overnight with another couple we are friends with and her H's brother. My friend is coming from FL this week and we are going to the city on Saturday and out to dinner on Thursday. School is almost done. My brace is almost off.D10 is happy and doing wonderful. Her happiness is my happiness. Today we went to Sugar Factory in the city for my dad and his wifes gift to her. She brought her bestie. They had such a fabulous time. We all did.

The thing is, I feel like a loser and failure at the same time that I feel accomplished and a survivor. I can't keep a man, let alone get one right now. I have been able to love, but only two have ever said they loved me back (my ex and exNG) but neither of them showed it and I never felt it. And the one person who showed it and I actually felt (but didn't say it) broke up with me, moved on immediately, and said he loved our relationship and who I was to him, but not ME.

I realize I have been single for as long as I was not. 9 years with ex and 9 years without. And in those 8 years, I don't even think I have a combined year of dating.

But what have I accomplished? Raising a fabulous child alone, putting a roof over our head and food on our table plus some, advancing my college degree, surviving an affair and having it in my face all the time. I am determined to get healthy again. I do have very strong friendships, ones that I wouldn't have had if my life didn't take this path..... and this is the stuff only post divorce. I do take great pride in accomplishments and that I didn't lay down and die when I felt like that might be the only way to get rid of the pain, but I am ashamed of not being able to keep a partner. It is so hard for me to admit. I feel like I am defective and unlovable.

Funny story (I always have to conclude my posts with one). I've been watching "Jane the Virgin" which is so outlandish and the basis is on a Spanish soap opera. But I can relate to the main characters mother. Anyways, D10 was watching an episode with me today and when ever it looked like someone was going to cheat on their significant other, she was getting upset and saying how that is "so wrong!!!!". Thank God my daughter has a moral compass.

Ginger1 #2762100 09/18/17 01:01 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Dawn,

You did not hijack! you sympathized. And I am sorry you are in the position to sympathize with me. I understand exactly what you mean. NO matter how many years out we are from all of this, we continue to do work, the people who left us are still the same and they get what they want. We don't even want them to fail or be unhappy. It's about US now and how we deserve what we work hard for. I read your recent posts and I can feel your eagerness with college guy. Your eagerness comes from true love, not desperation. I do believe that what is meant for us will not miss us.


Ginger,

Thanks for your comments. I do have an eagerness when it comes to college guy and I'm REALLY working hard to rein that in, because I'm not sure he shares that same eagerness. I had thought, initially, that he did, but I'm beginning to think maybe I misread the whole thing. I know he cares for me very much, but time will tell. I agree that what is meant to be will find a way and maybe there is still hope. That remains to be seen. I'm not giving up hope, just trying to pull back and be realistic.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2762141 09/18/17 04:04 AM
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Hi Ginger,

Glad you are getting out soon. We still have to meet up when your feeling better!

I think its easy to know this intellectually, but not truly feel it...But Im gonna say it anyway. Not being in a relationship with someone does not mean you are not worthy of love. Just like being in a relationship with someone does not mean you are worthy of love and partnership. (Women fall in love and marry serial killers while they are in jail!!! They are certainly not worthy of it, but for some reason some crazy person decides to fall for them) A lot of being in a relationship is a matter of timing, practicality, and attraction between both people. Timing, practical matters, and attraction are not factors that make someone worthy or not worthy.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2762204 09/18/17 01:41 PM
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Juju, I know. I am just a rare case and I guess that makes me feel like a failure. Like something must be wrong with me. The worst thing about this is I like me! I think I really am a great catch, from Dbing and the such, I think I have become a very good partner. I think I am lovable. I guess I just have an awful case of timing and circumstance. I see all these single moms who remarry or find love and their partners love their kids..... and I can't find that. Let alone just love me. It's all so messed up.

FF messed me up. That whole situation really messed me up. It still hurts to the very core of me.

Today has just been a hard day. It's my first Monday. I am back to reality! I really really miss my dad and stepmom taking care of me while I lay on the couch! It's sad I need to have surgery to get some help around here! After work, I fed the kid, we went to PT, it was an hour and half long, and I tried to ride the bike and it wasn't what I expected. She said it was normal to not be able to do it, she just wanted me to get the motion. I made full rotation a few times but it hurt and she didn't want me hurting too much. I for some reason thought I would hop on the bike and would be able to do it. She said by the end of the week I will be doing it. She's great. I did some mini squats and those felt good. I got home, went down my very steep and dark driveway to take out the garbage, came back made myself dinner, put kid to bed and now I am relaxing. Then I ealized my Chinatown trip is on ex's weekend and he can't switch because he has tickets to something. I have no one to watch D10. So it's a no go for me. It made me sad because I was really looking forward to it. Then D10 decides to facetime OWW's sister. She is bringing her all over my house, she sees everything, she sees me and I just don't like it. I had to have a discussion with her when she got off the phone. I said she either makes a normal call or takes it to her room because I don't want people all up in my business. It's like the attack of OWW's family lately and I would like some personal space in my home from it.

I'm just tired and alone and I wish I had a mom or a parent or someone close for some help sometimes. But I don't.

I try to be mindful in my good moments. I suck it in for all it is worth. They are just few and far in between lately.

I was interested in joining this somnlier (sp?) group that meets on Monday nights at a nice resturaunt by me. I figured I love wine so much, I should become educated about it. But nope, no one to watch the kiddo. It's a catch 22 sometimes.

I am venting big time as you can see. But I need to exit this victim mentality mode and just accept life as it is. I'm tired of trying to change it. I am just going to be happy with what it is.

Ginger1 #2762260 09/19/17 02:01 AM
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(((Ginger)))

It is difficult sometimes to feel so alone. Believe me, I KNOW! Surely you could find someone to watch D10 so that you could go on your trip. Getting away would probably do you good.

I don't even know if it helps to say this, but you are definitely not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I dare say many of us have gone through similar emotions during our time of divorce and recovery. Sometimes life is just hard and being an adult $uck$!

Take it one day at a time, G, and it will get better. Until then, hang in there and try to focus on the good. You know that old saying "fake it til you make it!"


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2762779 09/22/17 04:24 AM
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Dawn,

It certainly does help, and thank you. I hate that you are able to sympathize with such feelings, but knowing I am not alone really does help.

The new wrench thrown into my life is a big change at work. I may have mentioned a coworker who rubs me the wrong way and has sneakily been poaching my tasks. I kept quiet about it to my other coworkers because I don't want to start trouble.

Well, my manager whom I love dearly just got promoted to director. Great news for her, but now her manager spot is open. We were encouraged to apply. I'm not, but I know this woman is.

It finally came out that none of us can stand her brown nosing sneaky ways. Nobody can stand her. It is not only me. We all agree, if she becomes manager, we are all transferring. So for that reason alone, hopefully she doesn't become manager. We are a tight productive team and I think our current manager who will be the director knows if we aren't happy, our department will fall apart.

What is a joke about all of this is, while she works like a robot spitting out unreal numbers, (while I am on here, hahaha!) I am the one she comes to with all questions . My knowledge is greater than hers.

I don't know if our manager sees it yet. But I was upset in our meeting the other day when we needed to figure out something I offered to go through a list and figure it out. At the end of the meeting, she asks this brown noser to do it. WTF? it was my idea to even find the problem there!

So, I am not going to totally panic yet, but this is the smooth part of my life for now. I'd like the boat to not rock too much.

Saw my IC yesterday. She said she could tell I am emotionally running on empty. She asked me what I had in "my bag of tricks" to help me through the tough spots. I said "I am out of tricks and I can't preform my normal ones" She said she sees that and I may just have to let it wash over me until everything settles down a bit. She knows my boundaries are being crossed by OWW family and it drains me.

She went on about how proud of me graduating she is. She has been with me since I started school and said I have really been through some crap and she is seriously amazed how I am graduating and with a 3.98 average (I am still upset about that one A-). I look to my IC an a mother figure, quite honestly. So it meant a lot to hear it from her.

I have a full docket since yesterday. I was out of the house from 7am to 11pm. I was supposed to have the night to myself but I am going out to dinner with an old friend who is moving out of state. I am really honestly too exhausted and I want to back out. 2 other people are going, but I feel like a crappy person for doing so.

The rest of the weekend every waking moment is a task and activity. Tomorrow night will be really fun though, I am looking forward to it.

I am so tired. From 0-60 in no time. I long to go back to laying on the couch being taken care of, haha!

Ginger1 #2762809 09/22/17 07:57 AM
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Ginger,

Your current manager is very much aware that you are an intelligent and capable lady who could have gone through the list and found the problem. Your manager gave her the task to see if she can do it properly. Your manager is going to be testing all of you because of the job opening that will be coming along.

I will offer up this little bit of advice, when the brown noser comes to you for help and/or info, just give her enough info so that she actually has to go searching on her own. I use to do this and then I would follow up my conversation w/that person with an email with a cc to my manager so that they knew that I had given this person some help. But that is up to you as to how you want to handle little Miss Brown Nose.

It's the weekend. Try to relax just a bit and give your leg a much needed rest.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2762818 09/22/17 08:57 AM
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Ginger,

I think Job is spot-on. Why don't you want the vacant manager position? Are you afraid of the rejection if you don't get it?

doodler #2762821 09/22/17 09:26 AM
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Now unless the time requirements would greatly increase, I really think you should at least consider this job. You've said you are not challenged in your current role, you seem to have the aptitude, I think it would bring you an increase in self worth. There are real upsides here to at least giving it a shot. Are the downsides too great?

Also, image if you were able to get the dog you were looking at getting. No way would you have been able to gone from early morning until late night. Life is full of trade offs. smile


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2762877 09/23/17 01:11 AM
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JOb,

I didn't even think she might be testing her. It's definitely a possibility!

I don't remember if I shared this everyone mostly because it is embarrassing, but I got suspended for one day back in April, and someone else got terminated. She was a coworker whos life was falling apart every minute and her husband had been going through some health difficulties. She asked me to look up something in his chart (I got his permission). I did it twice for her and then never again. While It wasn't a HIPPA violation, it was a policy violation (which I really didn't know). Well, someone overheard her asking me and went to corporate compliance. Turns out she has been looking up all her family members for years. She got terminated, she showed zero remorse. I freaked the F out. I cried. My manger pretty much cried because she didn't want me to get fired.

In the end, I didn't get fired, they had to suspend me for one day and write me up. So, it turns out I am not a good fit for the job. This was a horrible lack of judgement for me which hurt my career. I just felt bad for the woman.

Well, that was super embarrassing. I am very embarrassed this ever happened. While I do think this would be a great opportunity, I don't think they would ever consider me. And my manager gave me some new tasks at the time because the other woman was gone and asked me to step up and I did. Then this woman started sneakily poaching my tasks.

Anyways, I did go out for a former coworkers going away dinner. it was really nice to hang out with some of the people I used to work on the unit with. Two of them are a couple and have been dating now for 5 years. The one works in my hospital system now. He said to me "you were always so good at clinical, do you want to go back?" I pretty much groomed the guy and was his go to in his first year. They were saying how the hospital and the people are nothing like it used to be and we reminisced about the good old days.

Today is a super busy fun day. I am only nervous about all the walking I am doing today. But it should be fun.

Still, so embarrassed reading my story, but I own up to it.

Ginger1 #2762881 09/23/17 02:12 AM
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We all make mistakes ginger.

When i fist started out, i gave a patient with a psych history money because i felt so bad for the story she was telling me.

She got too attached to me and then got really mad because i wouldnt put pain patches on her back because she coukd not reach to do it herself ( PTs cannot administer meds). She waited for me outside and yelled at me and then raced into the street on her scooter, alnost got hit by a car and ended up getting ,chased down by the cops later that night.

My boss was like why woukd you ever give her money and i was really embarassed by my lack of professionalism.

We all make mistakes we regret. And just so you dont feel bad, in my office we were all confused about whether you could print up your own medical reports or your kids too.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2762891 09/23/17 04:45 AM
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So... Not so fast here. I'm not letting this go so easily. From what I can see, you've explained why you THINK you may not get the job if you applied. The question still remains, why not at least try? I'll ask again, what is the down side? Okay, you may not get it. Is that even really a downside? Will you be in any worse place if you don't get it? But what if you do? plus the expierence would be a good one.

See what you've done now? I now have to agree with Doodler! smile sounds like you don't want the rejection? Why not at least ask the person who suggested that you apply if you stand a chance? Perhaps come right out and ask if your momentary lapse in judgement would kill your chances.

I really think this will do you good. And if not, what about returning to clinical? Or is the okay cut the problem? If do, I totally understand that - more than I understand the promotion thing! I still say you consider it!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2762935 09/23/17 10:52 AM
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I agree w/the others 100%...you need to apply for the position. You won't know where you stand in the "pecking" order if you don't apply. If you don't get the position, then ask what you can do to improve your situation so that you can begin working on this "so called weak areas".

You won't know until you try.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2763050 09/24/17 11:59 AM
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You guys are right. My dad says the same thing. I am really going to make sure this is an opportunity I can fit into my life. I may approach my manager now and ask her what she thinks of me applying. Part of me is scared of hearing the truth, that I wouldn't be considered because of my "infarction".

Juju, both of us had good intentions. The line gets blurry sometimes when you help someone else and hurt yourself. It was definitely a learning experience for me.

I am so beyond exhausted I have been going non-stop. ONe thing very worth mentioning is the what I found out from ex and OWW and our conversation. We were at our town's festival day where D10 cheers and then walks around with friends. Ex's psycho sister comes up in conversation, then he says to me "just to warn you, OWW's sister is like her, minus the violence. Just be aware of the conversations D10 is having with her because she is very manipulative and asks questions to get to us". Then OWW has like a half hour long convo with me about her sister. About the problems they have been having and her personality. They got in a fight the night before and she was basically venting to me and I actually gave her some advice, but really? WTF? First, my D10 has to deal with her and now OWW thinks she's my bestie? It's twilight zone all around.

Today we had that birthday party for D10 together. It worked out well. I saw his friends which I was friends with for many years. It was nice to see them. They are very kind to me and also seem like they might even miss me a little. Me and his one friend were talking about life, he was showing me all the pics of his kids.... I think now ex and OWW have been together longer than we were. or just about the same. But it is nice to know his friends still hold space for me. I think may even like me better, haha.

I may have to cry in my car sometimes to handle this situation, but I can do this for my D10. Her comfort and happiness is of utmost importance. To be able to give this to her may be one of my greatest gifts, although the hardest. I do this for her, but a little selfishly, I hope the universe also gives back to me in some way.

Next weekend is a bi-week for cheerleading, my weekend with D10 and I don't have to see them. I should have my brace off and I think we will go apple picking. Next Sunday is also my last day of school.

I'm so ready to get rid of this brace, but wow, people are so nice to me! Strangers are always holding doors open and tell me they hope I recover soon. The attention is nice, but I think it is time to say goodbye.

Ginger1 #2763079 09/25/17 01:11 AM
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As usual, I'm late the party and you've already kind of made up your mind, according to your latest post, but for the record< I agree with everyone else who said you should go for the job. Everyone make mistakes and while I can understand why you think that yours might preclude you from consideration, but I don't think you should let that deter you. It might well not even be a consideration since it has happened and been dealt with already. You don't know until you try. Based on what you have said here, it sounds like you are qualified, so why not go for it?


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2763240 09/26/17 05:20 AM
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Well,

I decided to look up corporate policy on transfers. I cannot have a written warning within 6 months. Well, next week will be 6 months.

Bad news is someone who would be good for the job who used to work in our department but transferred (I am the one who took her place)wanted to apply and she asked our manager what she thought and she told her not to because the VP does not like her for some reason. she knew this, I don't know what their beef is, but she didn't think she had a chance.

So, I can just ask and risk suffering rejection. But there is part of me that is filled with fear that this is the wrong move for D10. I am a little scared that maybe this job will cause me to not be as present or if I mess it up somehow, then I have a problem. I feel selfish moving out of a cushy role with good income.

However, this role I have a feeling is also mucho dinero.

So much on the table right now.

Ginger1 #2763274 09/26/17 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
So, I can just ask and risk suffering rejection. But there is part of me that is filled with fear that this is the wrong move for D10. I am a little scared that maybe this job will cause me to not be as present or if I mess it up somehow, then I have a problem. I feel selfish moving out of a cushy role with good income.


Ginger,

All you have to do is talk to your manager. If you don't like what you hear from her, then no harm, no foul. Stop overthinking it and just go have the conversation with your manager (or ex-manager).

doodler #2763351 09/26/17 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
So, I can just ask and risk suffering rejection. But there is part of me that is filled with fear that this is the wrong move for D10. I am a little scared that maybe this job will cause me to not be as present or if I mess it up somehow, then I have a problem. I feel selfish moving out of a cushy role with good income.


Ginger,

All you have to do is talk to your manager. If you don't like what you hear from her, then no harm, no foul. Stop overthinking it and just go have the conversation with your manager (or ex-manager).



Me overthink?!

yeah, all the time. You are right. Tomorrow is the day. We shall see how it goes.

Ginger1 #2763365 09/27/17 12:59 AM
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Ask...nothing ventured, nothing gained. And...if I were that young lady that was told the manager didn't like her, I would apply just for the sake of applying. There's no telling...that person may have a great chance of getting the position. I don't put stock in other people's opinions when it comes to applying for jobs. I would want to hear it directly for the person who is doing the hiring and not some go between.

Ask!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2763395 09/27/17 03:06 AM
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LOL, Ginger....I SOOOOOOO feel you on the overthinking thing. I swear, we must be sisters. LOL Good luck in asking. Hopefully you will hear what you want/need to hear, but if not, hopefully you will at least hear something that you can use to your advantage. Hang in there, lady. You got this!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2763540 09/28/17 03:12 AM
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Well, I did it. I mustered up the courage to ask my manager her feedback. She told me honestly that the big boss does not easily forget and it will take a very long time for her to do so. She said I am free to apply, but as a friend and a manager she does think my chances aren't are pretty bad.

Dawn, I did hear something I can sue to my advantage. I was honest with her and I told her I wanted to advance my career. I have enjoyed this opportunity but I really do need a challenge. I have a ways to go before retirement and I want to stay with the organization. She told me she doesn't want to lose me in this position, but she understands what I am saying and will keep a look out for something she might think is a good fit for me.

What am I going to do? My mistakes in life are ones that stay and do not go away. They all haunt me right down to the man I married. I bust my @ss in day in and day out to be better, to make my life better, and sometimes it feel all for nothing.

I have been pretty depressed lately. I ran myself ragged and when I had the chance to sit down, I felt so isolated. No one to talk to nothing that my body could physically do anymore, so I popped my pills and went to bed.

Something has to give before I crack.

Last edited by job; 09/28/17 10:15 AM. Reason: edited a word
Ginger1 #2763541 09/28/17 03:20 AM
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EDIT:::::

My manager thinks my chances are pretty much nil.

Ginger1 #2763550 09/28/17 04:33 AM
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The other day I was listening to an interview on NPR (yes, I'm a liberal) with the author of "A Really Good Day." The author is Ayelet Waldman. It was interesting.

doodler #2763630 09/28/17 05:07 PM
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Good job for asking G.

I won't advise you, but I'll tell you what I think I'd do. I'd apply anyway. And if I had the opportunity to interview, or give any feedback, I'd speak boldly. I'd own my mistakes, and explain that I was the type of person that owned my mistakes, was accountable for them, made them right, and learned from them. That I wanted what was best for the department and felt that my many years of experience and success made me best suited for this position and couldn't be erased by one lapse of judgment that I had learned from. That if they are looking for who's best for the department I felt that was me due to what I bring, and unless they have a candidate that has never made a mistake I want full consideration.

All in all, I wouldn't be deterred and would press hard until they told me no officially.

I think you'd learn a lot from doing that. It may be that the big boss doesn't 'forget', but that they make their decision based on the overall picture and this isn't as pivotal as your manager thinks. It may be that they are impressed with you stepping up and asking for what you want and telling them where you want to be. Even if you don't get this position, they may see where you are aiming and start considering you in this light and giving you guidance or career planning on how you could make that happen. All good stuff.

And, if for some reason this person is petty and forms lifelong opinions based on superficial data...well, might as well find that out now. You can continue to do your job and put feelers out to other companies that might appreciate your experience. But better to find out now than waiting 5 years and hoping they suddenly have a change of heart.

In the end I've never let someone I didn't like control my career. If your boss's boss is a jerk, all the more reason to apply (both here and elsewhere). If I don't like someone why would I give them power to make me pass on pursuing where I want to be? They're going to have to shut me down publicly, I'm not going to cower in the back and wait for them to invite me into the club.

OK, that's just for me. Honestly I don't apply for many jobs. For the most part I just try to kick enough a$$ where I'm at that I get recruited somewhere. But I've had a couple of boss's that were so bad I walked out without something else lined up. Bottom line, either I want to work somewhere where I can just excel and trust them to reward me, or I want to go somewhere they do. I don't want to have to fight for what I deserve. It's enough of a fight to do a great job, no reason to do that and then beg for scraps.

Either way I trust you and know it will work out. Total confidence is what I have in you G.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2763660 09/29/17 01:46 AM
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Zeus,

I was thinking the same thing when I read the posting last night.

Ginger, I am in total agreement (100%) w/what Zeus posted. Even if you don't get the job, at least you will hopefully get some feedback from the person who is actually doing the hiring. I wouldn't allow a go between to deter me from applying.

We all make mistakes and you've owned yours and paid for it. No one is perfect and if they were, we all would be living in the Garden of Eden and not on this earth. We learn from our mistakes and you have done that, and besides, that was a few years ago.

Again, no one is perfect and I am sure the higher ups have made plenty of mistakes along the way too.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2763724 09/29/17 06:58 AM
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Ditto what those before me said. You asked for advice from someone you trust and got it, but don't let that hold you back. You made a mistake, you owned it, it is in the past. I say go for it. I'm sure you will do whatever is right for G and D10 and that really is all that matters. Good luck, lady!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2763792 09/30/17 01:00 AM
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Agree with everyone else, go for it!


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Thanks you all for you faith and encouragement. I have no idea what my future career path holds, but I do know a change is coming.

I handed in my last assignment last night. Barring I didn't fail them miserable, I am done. I cried tears of relief and D10 thought I was really sad. I explained to her why I had tears. They were of happiness, relief, and accomplishing something I feared I couldn't.

I just feel something really NEEDS to change soon. I won't be laving the organization because I would have to pay back the tuition reimbursement. There is another position I am interested and I am contemplating applying for.

I am just at the point where something needs to change in my life. I can't keep going as I am. So if it's my position at work, or a relationship status change, it just needs to change.

I just felt like celebrating with someone last night, but instead I had some wine alone. It just is what it is.

I haven't spoken to ex in a while and it's been nice. He last had D10 on Tuesday and she won't go to him until Thursday. As far as I can see, neither of them contacted each other. I did keep D10 very busy this weekend. It was nice to have no cheer for a weekend. Freed me from a lot of stuff that was causing some anguish.

I began weightwatchers today. My IC suggested I don't try to diet now because but I can't stand the weight I've gained. It's uncomfortable on me. I need to lose the weight for my well being. I have nothing social coming up, so I printed out a bunch of recipes I want to try. I'll try to make it fun.

Making it through each day.

Ginger1 #2764613 10/06/17 11:09 PM
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{{{{{Ginger}}}}}
hope you're feeling better xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2764643 10/07/17 09:10 AM
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Congratulations again Ginger. Your degree (and profession) is not an easy one and continuing on with your education while your working and as a single mom is really amazing. Your daughter honestly is blessed with such a good example.

Keep making it through. It just going to get better. Especially as you heal. We all have our lows, but just like our highs they are never permanent.

Ugh, i never lost the 5 to 7 lbs I gained from my ankle fracture, so I know the frustration when you were on a role. That little bit changes my clothes fit and how my knees feel. I am sure you still look gorgeous though.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2764671 10/08/17 01:27 AM
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HI bttfly and Juju. Thanks for checking in. I am feeling a little better, thank you. It is official, official, the grades came in for my last class which is 100% so I am good to go! I can't wait until I am holding that diploma in my hand.

D10 went with her dad Thursday night for the first time in 10 days. I went to PT and they all ask for her I realized how much I missed her. I picked her up Friday, then she went with her dad again. She texted me Friday night that she missed me already. I saw her Saturday morning for her game. There is OWW chatting me up like her bestie. She was sure to tell me that her sister went to her parents finally and it was a great visit. Oh I am so thrilled. I left after half time and went to the GYM! I am so sore today! I love it! I was able to do the bike and upper body. Hey, and there is major eye candy at my gym. FF and joined this gym together. I think he went once. His new GF works the front desk at a different one so surely he goes there now. I think I am going to go to the gym today too.

Friday night I did absolutely nothing and it was really nice! Last night I went out with my dad and stepmom and her mom for a celebration dinner of my completing school. My dad told me to take uber so I could enjoy some beverages. We were talking last night and he told me he brags to his friends all the time about me. He said his friends have some crappy kids who just take and take and feel entitled (as adults with children) and he is so very thankful I am not that way. He said he knew I never had it easy yet I accomplished so much on my own. He knows of the sacrifices I have made and he says he is very proud of me. It meant a lot to hear.

Weight watchers is going well. I only lost 2 lbs the first week, but I stuck to the plan and picked really good choices going out last night. I can do this. I want to do this.

Now that I rambled in the insignificant details of my life, here are the big ones.....

A job change is definitely coming. I was talking to a coworker who used to work in my department and she told me I would be really well-suited as a hospital case manager. years ago I tried to become one, but everyone wanted experience. She was a case manager, she has contacts and she will help me out. The hospital in our system near where I currently work now is a mess in the case management department, she was told me her source said it's a bad move now. But another hospital in our system, a little farther away has a position and they are well run. There is actually another hospital in our system 10 min away from me..... but they aren't hiring case managers right now, but it would be very ideal. So I have been contemplating this decision all weekend. I have always wanted to do this. I could work with patients and families again in the hospital environment, use my critical thinking skills, but not have to do hands on work. It's a demanding job and it won't be as flexible, so I need to make sure this is the right decision. I really do need the challenge. I didn't become a nurse to sit behind a desk and spit out numbers. I have been doing what is right for D10 and now, maybe now that she is in middle school I can challenge myself a bit.

IN addition, my therapist said for my love and social life, I really need a change in environment. I work with some great people..... they are all 15 years my senior. But the same married people since day one. Working all with a variety of people, being the hospital would be good for me. There was a case manager at my old hospital who had a goal to meet a doctor and marry him. She did. She married a surgeon. Mission accomplished, haha! And he is also a super nice sweet, divorced surgeon. usually that are arrogant arses, but he is nice, we hang out once a year for an event.

Change is coming. I am just fearing making a decision I will regret.

Ginger1 #2764678 10/08/17 03:26 AM
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Congratulations G. I don't know what's coming next but it can't get any tougher than it's been.

Giving up flexibility is hard when you have a child and not much support. But if the opportunity brings challenges and rewards and the hours fly by and you feel it is meaningful work, well, that could be pretty interesting. I'm glad you're putting your feelers out there. We all agree with your dad, we're all proud of you.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2764682 10/08/17 04:20 AM
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Quote:
There is OWW chatting me up like her bestie. She was sure to tell me that her sister went to her parents finally and it was a great visit. Oh I am so thrilled.


Lol! You are a saint!

If you were to take a case manager job, would it pay you enough more to hire a sitter for D to cover the less convenient hours?

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I just wrote a big post full of b!tching and I lost it.

In a nutshell, I do believe they should name a saint after me. Probably something like "Saint Idiot" for even getting myself in this position with them. it's for my D10, of course, but I give an inch, people take a million yards. And yes, I am not completely selfless here. I am hoping karma will reward me with a love of my own.

D10 factimed me from their house last night. She thought it would be fun to have me watch exH and OWW eat sour warheads. I had to be in their living room as they are having family time and I was alone all day. I was going to bed alone.

I Fing hate this. It's painful, and I hate it.

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Ginger,

I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Unfortunately, I've got a warheads story...

Back when I worked for the university, I had to go speak at an economic development seminar. It was a three hour drive and my friend and coworker went along with me. On the way to our destination, we stopped at a convenience store and bought every kind of nasty-sour candy that they had. We had Warheads, Cry Babies, Sour Power, Zotz and whatever else we could find.

We got back on the road and decided to have a contest to see who could cram the most sour candy in their mouth at one time. It was awful and great fun all at the same time. Our cheeks were bulging and we were laughing while trying to keep everything contained in our mouths. Then it happened. I couldn't take all of the sour flavor and globs of saliva in my mouth any longer. I grabbed the plastic bag that'd had all the candy in it and I spit the huge wad of candy and liquid grossness into the plastic bag. Then, I looked down and realized I'd completely missed the bag and all of that goop was on my shirt and tie. Yep, doodler gave his presentation with dried essence of sour yucky stuff on his shirt and tie.

It was a good day.

doodler #2764833 10/09/17 11:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Ginger,

I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Unfortunately, I've got a warheads story...

Back when I worked for the university, I had to go speak at an economic development seminar. It was a three hour drive and my friend and coworker went along with me. On the way to our destination, we stopped at a convenience store and bought every kind of nasty-sour candy that they had. We had Warheads, Cry Babies, Sour Power, Zotz and whatever else we could find.

We got back on the road and decided to have a contest to see who could cram the most sour candy in their mouth at one time. It was awful and great fun all at the same time. Our cheeks were bulging and we were laughing while trying to keep everything contained in our mouths. Then it happened. I couldn't take all of the sour flavor and globs of saliva in my mouth any longer. I grabbed the plastic bag that'd had all the candy in it and I spit the huge wad of candy and liquid grossness into the plastic bag. Then, I looked down and realized I'd completely missed the bag and all of that goop was on my shirt and tie. Yep, doodler gave his presentation with dried essence of sour yucky stuff on his shirt and tie.

It was a good day.



While on Face time I told D10 she had to up her challenge to 4 warheads at once and she has to triple dog dare her father, then he can't say no. He refused the challenge! I explained to D10 in front of his wife that her daddy was not a real man for not taking the challenge. You Doodler, are a real man, even if you had to spit them all over your tie.

Great parenting moment, right?

Ginger1 #2764849 10/10/17 02:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
You Doodler, are a real man, even if you had to spit them all over your tie.


Ginger,

Thank you, thank you very much! I was already incorrigible and now I'm strutting around the office. Maybe I'll get sent home early.

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Well, I had a talk with some people and it looks like I will be applying for that job. I have some excellent references. I hope they help. I saw my IC today and she feels I absolutely need to do this. She knows my passion for my profession, she knows how I need a new challenge in my life and a major change. I expressed that my worries aren't so much that I am going to fail at the job, it's my daughter. She said I need to do this for me. I have sacrificed so much and if exH needs to step up, it's time to call on him. And she is right. If he can't do it, and OWW wants to be stepmommy dearest, well, then let her pick up the slack.

I am still feeling the miserable feeling of isolation. I love going to PT because I get to interact with other people. My PT told me I was her favorite patient today smile. I am sure she tells everyone that. I have fun with her and the cute 24 year old PT assistant. If he was 10 years older, he would be perfect, lol.

I wish more than anything I had my family around. All I have is my dad and stepmom and they don't even live in the same state. I love when they are here. I love when people are here. I miss having FF here like you wouldn't believe. I wish I had someone to come home to.

Well, the nice thing is my dad and stepmom are going to volunteer with me on Thanksgiving. I think it is really cool. I am going to make this a thing every year I don't have D10.

Apple picking this weekend with a friend and D10. I am looking forward to it.

Ginger1 #2765131 10/12/17 01:53 PM
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Here's hoping you get the case manager job and some handsome family physician sweeps you off your feet (no, they don't make as much as a surgeon, but they're generally nicer smile )

Ginger1 #2765132 10/12/17 02:03 PM
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Hi Ginger

I love my job cause we get to interact with people all day. And I definitely have my favorite patients that come in. I feel like I am just socializing with a great friend. So shes probably telling you the truth.

I think no brainer with applying. You don't have to make decisions until you get the offer. But at least then you get to choose what feels right.

I went on a job interview unsure of whether the job would work for me and my son. I was offered it and turned it down. But that choice helped me really think about what I wanted.

Good Luck!


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2765173 10/13/17 01:28 AM
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Ginger,

I am so happy to read that you are going to apply for the job. No one knows who will get it, but your upper management may not know that you are interested in moving up unless you actually do the work and apply for it. Talking about it doesn't always get people's attention...but actually sitting down and applying for it will. They will know you are serious when they get your application.

Wishing you good luck and sending positive vibes your way. Enjoy your weekend of apply picking and just having fun for a change.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kml #2765195 10/13/17 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: kml
Here's hoping you get the case manager job and some handsome family physician sweeps you off your feet (no, they don't make as much as a surgeon, but they're generally nicer smile )


HAHAHA! My therapist actually said "and I am praying you meet a rich doctor!!!!"

Me too, haha! Or even a fellow nurse!

Speaking of family medicine..... If you know the famous Dr. Mike of instagram, he practices family medicine at said hospital I am applying at!

My ortho surgeon is the nicest, sweetest, and sexiest surgeon ever. It is shocking because the orthopods are usually egotistical. Too bad his wife is a horrible biotch (so I have heard) She is an ENT.

JujuB #2765199 10/13/17 02:45 AM
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Juju and job,

Juju, it really is like we are all hanging out. We talk about our weekends, our friends, our families, etc. We laugh and make jokes. It is fun. I desperately miss interacting with patients myself. I interact with a computer now. Talk to my coworkers sometimes. It is silent. I need the buzzing of telemetry monitors and the hustle and bustle. I go home to quiet. (even with a 10 year old). I NEED stimulation. I know that it will be a change for D10, but it is one we can handle with some adjustments. I need a change to be a good mother. I am depressed. That's not good for either of us.

Job, Thanks! I am really looking forward to this weekend. it's so nice where we are going with home made ice cream, a nuce little restaurant where we can have lunch, buy some things from the market place. The weather should be good. We will bake some apple desserts. Sunday we plan on finishing her Halloween costume. It'll be a nice weekend. I will be enjoying the no cheerleading thing!

Ginger1 #2765778 10/19/17 12:38 AM
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Since I had to cancel my IC this week, I thought I would journal as this has been my journal for so many years. This past weekend was really nice. Apple picking was fun, we went out to lunch and then shopped the next day. We also baked both days.

My depression is taking over again, which pretty much stinks. Not as bad as the last time, but it is evident. I am going to bed when my D is going to bed because I just don't want to be awake and alone. I don't want to sit with my own thoughts in solitude. So I go to bed. What else am I going to do? Energy to clean is zapped. TV is fine sometimes, reading is fine sometimes, but I just don't want to be alone with my own thoughts.

Tonight D10 is going with her dad after 10 days straight with me. Tonight after PT I am going out to dinner with friends, tomorrow night, baking apple stuff with a friend, Saturday is D10's pediatrician apt an a football game and volunteering, and sunday is a winery with some good friends I haven't seen in a while. I should be busy and less depressed.

I really do hope the ex leaves the wife home for my D10's doctors appt. She is with him, but I go every year, so I am meeting them there. There are some places she doesn't belong. On that note, ex and I were working out D10 schedules and he always says "WE have her on this day" and "YOU have her on this day". It is a huge trigger for me every time he says "We have her" or it's "our day" It's a reminder of what they did and how they became a we with my daughter. It hurts.

Weight watchers unfortunately isn't working very well. And I am hungry. I even cut out my nightly wine. So basically everything that brings me joy is gone, haha! And for what?!

I applied for my job, the application is currently under review. I am praying I get this.

I just move through my days. That's all I can do. Horrible feelings of being unlovable take over. Everyone I thought cared for me has left me. Didn't give a second thought when it came to maybe putting in a bit of effort. It hurts. There is this single dad of D10's classmate. His wife completely left him with their 2 kids. He posted something on FB the other night that resonated with me. " The easy part is finding someone to love. The hard part is finding someone to love you" It's true for me. I have loved 3 men in my life. Two of them said they loved me. But I didn't feel loved by either. Both ran for the hills when they had to give an ounce and I couldn't hold up the relationship single handedly. One of them I married and had a child with. The one I did feel loved by never said it, and left me and began dating another woman. Funny how things work.

Ginger1 #2765779 10/19/17 12:43 AM
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Oh, and I have an inappropriate crush on my 24 year old PT assistant. He's totally cute, smart, well-mannered, great with kids and is totally someone I would date if he was 10 years older. he was telling me about his grandma who lives with them last night and how his 73 year old grandmother is like superwoman and does everything for everyone. The great thing was he spoke with appreciation and admiration and not entitlement.

Can't I for once have interest in someone who is appropriate? HAHA!

Ginger1 #2765781 10/19/17 12:57 AM
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[quote=Ginger1]I just wrote a big post full of b!tching and I lost it.

In a nutshell, I do believe they should name a saint after me. Probably something like "Saint Idiot" for even getting myself in this position with them. it's for my D10, of course, but I give an inch, people take a million yards. And yes, I am not completely selfless here. I am hoping karma will reward me with a love of my own.


Karma, and b/c you deserve it AND b/c a nice guy out there, deserves to be loved well, too.

Also, can I go back in time and slap the case manager who sought out a doctor to marry?

Did she set a goal of putting him thru medical school/internship and residency for 12 years, (& have 3 kids, and work full time) or just show up for the hot tub? Oh, I know, it's a streak of bitterness talking but this IS a vent fest...and I digress...


D10 factimed me from their house last night. She thought it would be fun to have me watch exH and OWW eat sour warheads.


OMG NO.

This^^^ is when you get a severe sudden case of "indigestion" (other names are even more suitable) and You need the toilet right away. Call ya back later.

And wtf is wrong with your ex h and his idiot wife? They win the "sensitivity" awards for the year.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Ginger1 #2765787 10/19/17 01:31 AM
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[quote=Ginger1]Since I had to cancel my IC this week, I thought I would journal as this has been my journal for so many years. This past weekend was really nice. Apple picking was fun, we went out to lunch and then shopped the next day. We also baked both days.

My depression is taking over again, which pretty much stinks. Not as bad as the last time, but it is evident.

okay so you were outdoors and you had a good time. Not to project (too much, anyhow) but are you affected by the daylight issue?

Also, at the DivorceCare group I attend (which is national), they have chapters on loneliness and anger and depression, etc. I really recommend it (the videos can be heavy handed on the religion part but the group discussions and socializing we do, is mostly what I get out of it.)

Even though I'm pretty self aware and see a great T, I still learn a lot at group and the people who are ahead of/behind me, help me with insights. Some are many years down the road, and some are raw and reeling - in your shoes from 9 years ago. God, hurts just to think of them, let alone see them.

But it helps them and that helps us all.

IT's also very sociable and the fact that they all "get it", helps a great deal. They took me out for my 36th wedding anniversary b/c I just could not be around my married siblings and friends. I love them but - on that night, no thanks. The divorceCare people were incredibly supportive.

Anyhow, I did not see myself as "depressed" or lonely. I have people within an hour of here, some within 15 min and I do get out.

But there are things I do NOT do which I should and need to do. Still don't address a bunch of Gross Div Crap (GDC) and I ignore papers I must attend to. My job search came to a silent inactivity and I'm not lazy - but paralyzed. WTF?

That's^^ a form of depression, and there are days when there is nothing scheduled and if not for my dog, I would not get outside.

As for loneliness, there are definitely times. Yet I shudder at the thought of having to share my new place with a guy I did not "grow up" with.

All i am sure of, is that 1) I have never regretted going out to GAL even though I have often barely chosen to do so,

and

2) there is an intangible value in being alone, for me, for now. Since the age of 19 I was a fiancee, wife and or a mother. I'm still a mom but there are no kids under my roof.

Maybe - maybe - you are living your life as if the times alone are simply breaks between your mothering, so there's not really a separate life for you as "Ginger, the woman."

What would that look like? If d10 went away for a year (and putting aside the horrors of that just for a minute), can you say what you'd do?








I am going to bed when my D is going to bed because I just don't want to be awake and alone. I don't want to sit with my own thoughts in solitude. So I go to bed. What else am I going to do? Energy to clean is zapped. TV is fine sometimes, reading is fine sometimes, but I just don't want to be alone with my own thoughts.


- when we are alone too much we can get into negative spirals and being "alone with your own thoughts" is exactly that. (Also discussed at the divorecare class).

I have had some sh1tty racing thoughts at night. NOT cool. Not healthy. My T suggested I get a sleep aid and consider maybe AD's.

For the winter, at least, it's worth considering. Any thoughts on that for you?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2765788 10/19/17 01:31 AM
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Tonight D10 is going with her dad after 10 days straight with me. Tonight after PT I am going out to dinner with friends, tomorrow night, baking apple stuff with a friend, Saturday is D10's pediatrician apt an a football game and volunteering, and sunday is a winery with some good friends I haven't seen in a while. I should be busy and less depressed.

absolutely. If a minimum, you're stopping the "alone with my thoughts" cycle. Good.


I really do hope the ex leaves the wife home for my D10's doctors appt. She is with him, but I go every year, so I am meeting them there. There are some places she doesn't belong.

amen. I dread the thought of weddings and having the idiot in any photo. May as well caption it "the interloper" and that is a polite caption. Unbelievable that she is so clueless and shame on them both. Except they're shameless, so that's out.

my sister's ex HAD to bring his "new" wife to school conferences and such, b/c the wife
insisted. From what I know, he did not enjoy that reality.

So All might not be well in paradise - esp since you are a nurse. Make sure you ask technical medical questions so if she makes a stupid peep, you can glare at your exh.

Anyhow, so my sister had a family dog that was terminally ill. The ex h wanted to be there for the veterinary appointment with her & the kids. My sister agreed.

The vet came to the house (very nice, btw). So they were all crying and soothing the dog and she went peacefully. The ex carried the dog out to the vet's and after some more hugs, he drove off.

Turns out he had to go to a hotel b/c his "new" wife of 3 years, went ballistic that she was not included on the dog goodbye. (Stomp stomp...)

My sister had remarried and her new h had disappeared for the event, knowing it was a FAMILY dog from THEIR -prior-original- family...

anyhow, as sad as that was^^, the hotel "vacation" my former BIL had to endure after putting the family dog down, was a bright spot in a tragic story...for me & my other sisters, anyhow.



On that note, ex and I were working out D10 schedules and he always says "WE have her on this day" and "YOU have her on this day". It is a huge trigger for me every time he says "We have her" or it's "our day" It's a reminder of what they did and how they became a we with my daughter. It hurts.


ugh

what if you told him that "although you are over it", you think it's remarkably lacking in insight, given the history

AND given that
the father and mother share custody. Not the step parent.

Or is there a plan you are not aware of, in which she going to court for her own "rights" do d10? If so, he should have let you know...

Btw, I am Glad that woman is kind to your d, but am still galled by her.


Weight watchers unfortunately isn't working very well. And I am hungry. I even cut out my nightly wine. So basically everything that brings me joy is gone, haha! And for what?!

for YOU, i.e. your health and your sexual self esteem - b/c knowing you have a good desirable body for sex, which WILL happen for you, feels better than obsessing. Plus your knee will be better, back pain is less - trust me, I hurt my knee as a teenage softball player and hurt my back in my 20's. Felt I had healed fully. Turns out, later on, not so healed.

See it as something you are doing for YOU and put a positive spin on it, or don't do it. No more beating up Ginger!

Btw, I have a heavy set friend who is my age, and incredibly comfortable with her sexuality.

She informs me that "men don't care about a stretch mark!" She is quite emphatic about this, which I totally enjoy.

You look great, and I know this.


I applied for my job, the application is currently under review. I am praying I get this.


sending positives your way! Plus it's a start for you doing real looking around, which is great no matter what happens. No being stuck at a job with 3% social interaction.

You are exercising choice. Feels good.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2765812 10/19/17 04:33 AM
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Hey25!

My ex and his wife feel I should be so far over this whole affair breaking up the family thing that if I would mention some triggers I would get laughed at by ex and he would think I am still holding on. I do not hold onto him, but unfortunately since the beginning of time from my babies birth, it has been shoved in my face and not something I can hide from. I would hide so far away from it if I could. But I make the best out of a crappy situation. But they aren't very good with boundaries.

His wife isn't making a play for my D10. They like their minimum time. She has a demanding career (which she had to tell me in conversation about her sister) and ex gets home too late and he has his volleyball and game to play on his phone. I offered more time and he didn't want it unless I moved our D to his school district. Yeah, unbelievable. They just want the accolades.

Yes, She is good to my D. She will never have kids of her own and this is her parents grandchild, her stepchild, ect.

I love my D to death and being a mother is my passion. It does beome a catch 22 though. I don't have family help. My D is still young. So there is only so much me time. She goes to PT with me 2 out of the 3 days a week. Soon, she will do dance on Wednesdays. I can't do much more for myself, she tags along to a lot already. She needs to just be home some nights. I fill up my non parenting time the best I can with activities.

I have been separated/divorced, as long as I with my ex. 9 years with him, 9 years without. Most of my adult life thus far doing this gig alone. The truth is, if I didn't have D I would be so far out of this state right now. travel nursing, or living somewhere not so expensive. I feel trapped, I want to leave, I want to start over, but I can't take her away from her dad.

I am on AD's. I had went off when seeing my last BF, then I sunk into an awful depression like I never felt before when we broke up. I increased my AD's. I have always taken something to sleep as I have always had trouble sleeping. My sleeping isn't as awful as it used to be.

My IC always credits me to doing what I need to do to overcome my funks or get through my depression. But I feel at a dead end here. This injury, although not life-threatening has taken a HUGE toll on my emotional state. Exercising helped me feel alive. I let my aggression out. My endorphins went up. I was occupied. I felt better. I was really feeling hopeful and better as I was just coming out of my deep depression when I began volleyball. I was a part of a team, I was socializing, it was great. I had something to look forward to. To get knocked out this way was a true blow. And working in this job where I am not being challenged and not really having contact is rough.

I lost some good weight last year, was in great shape, overcame my foot surgery nicely. I just don't feel good about myself. For some reason men find my body very attractive. It's weird, because I don't, lol.

I am so depressed because where I am is not for lack of effort. Not for lack of appreciating what I have. not for lack of making a bad situation into the most tolerable one I can and one that has my D10's best interest on the forefront. All of that becomes a very heavy load to bear alone.

I have a lot of love to give. I also have a lot of room to receive it. I am ready to openly receive it as plentiful as I give it. I have been trying to get the enthusiasm up to online date, but I can't find it. I have been so disappointed by my experiences.

I just know something has got to give. I need help from a higher power. I can't do it alone anymore.

Ginger1 #2765831 10/19/17 06:43 AM
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Quote:
For some reason men find my body very attractive. It's weird, because I don't, lol


Maybe because you keep trying to hold yourself up to a weird artificial idea of female beauty which borders on emaciation (think Kate Moss) when men actually like feminine curves.

As per your depression - Vitamin D is a powerful ally against seasonal depression, I put my patients on 5,000 IU/d with vitamin K and get great results. Also look into Deplin, high dose methylfolate, used as an adjunct to regular antidepressants (it's a cofactor for the enzymes that make your neurotransmitters).

Also, Dr. Mark Hyman has just started a free docuseries on functional medicine and brain issues (including depression and anxiety). It's free, google Mark Hyman Broken Brain docuseries. He's brilliant and I've seen many of the speakers he includes at medical conferences, some of the best brains in the business.

kml #2765836 10/19/17 07:44 AM
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Is that the same esteemed Dr. Mark Hyman who made the Quackwatch list for at least one of his books?

doodler #2765840 10/19/17 08:47 AM
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