Sometimes I read your posts and think that you are typing them from inside my head. My marriage was over 3 years ago and I worked very hard to heal myself so that I could be in a place to move on. Now, I wouldn't take XH back for all the money and perks on this planet. Just would never happen. But, I still find myself, occasionally, thinking about the total unfairness of it all. He went straight from me to her with NO lag time. He was literally living with her 2 weeks after our divorce was final and the only reason it took him that long was because he wanted to spend Christmas with the girls, so he waited until after Christmas to go to her. Meanwhile, I did the work with a counselor to get over it and to get myself in a healthy place emotionally and now he's married to his affair and I'm stuck perpetually single without even the impending possibility of a committed relationship looming on the horizon. So, first, I'm sorry I hijacked your thread to talk about myself, but I said all that to say, I TOTALLY get where you are coming from 100% because I've been there done that. I, like you, don't think about it real often, but every once in a great while it rears its head and leaves me sad and emotional, which is one reason I was so off-kilter last week. Totally, completely, utterly understand and feel your "pain". Hang in there, lady. You are a vibrant person who will find love and happiness again.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It was very fair because the two of the them deserve each other.
Would you ever want to be married to a man capable of cheating on his pregnant wife?
It is much better to be alone then to be with a cheater or the type of man that is just waiting to cheat.
Now regarding your ex, he does have things easier then you. But would you ever want to trade lives with him? I would never want to be in their shoes. He has limited involvement with an absolutely beautiful little girl. There is no better gift then being a parent and he was too stupid and selfish to realize it.
I sometimes think that there are just different people in the world. Trying to understand them is like trying to understand why an alligator kills.
You did not hijack! you sympathized. And I am sorry you are in the position to sympathize with me. I understand exactly what you mean. NO matter how many years out we are from all of this, we continue to do work, the people who left us are still the same and they get what they want. We don't even want them to fail or be unhappy. It's about US now and how we deserve what we work hard for. I read your recent posts and I can feel your eagerness with college guy. Your eagerness comes from true love, not desperation. I do believe that what is meant for us will not miss us.
Juju,
It's not him I want or what they have that I feel is unfair I didn't get. The best part of her M with my ex is my daughter. I don't want their life. I had their life. I realized yesterday, on my D10's bday that despite all I've been through these past 10 years, they have truly been the best 10 years of my life, because in those 10 years I have been my D's mom. Easy or hard, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Zues,
Thank you for your condolences. Our kids never met and I haven't actually seen her in many years, but as a parent, I could imagine for her the hardest part of dying was leaving her babies. It breaks my heart to think about it.
I read your update and I think you described it. I feel like a ghost. A deeply feeling ghost, but nonetheless a ghost. Like I am hovering above my life and looking at it from the outside sometimes if that makes any sense.
I had my IC session. I did tell her emotionally I was still doing pretty poor. She told me every way I felt was expected. She understood my feelings of isolation. I have been feeling very isolated, and that is a bad feeling. I don't have my outlets either which is contributing to the isolation. Zues's happy place is shooting pool. Mine is exercising. Breathless exercise. She recognized the past few months have been a series of things that are just punches to the gut. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her unsettled. I just don't feel settled or in a safe place. It's a crappy feeling.
A good feeling was my D10 turning 10. She had a very nice day, I surprised her with a chocolate chip muffin with a candle for breakfast. Her dad and I took her to dinner. He wasn't remembering the restaurant we were going to and when I described it, he said "Oh yeah, you and I used to go there all the time" We did, but I wasn't going to remind him of that. We were waiting for our table and D10 went to the bathroom and watched her walk away with her sassy little walk and we look at each other and said "wow, she's really growing up. She really is.
I volunteered yesterday and I was walking up the stairs outside to the nursing home. One at a time of course. A cute cop is parked outside and sees me and asks if I need help up the stars. I said "I'm fine, thank you". Kicked myself in the butt for that one, could have been a great opportunity!
I went back to work today. it was great to see everyone. I forgot all my passwords, but luckily I remembered how to do my job, lol. By 1pm My leg was swollen from knee to foot and I was really uncomfortable. I iced it and elevated it on my garbage can, but I am going to have to do more. I went to PT and it was really tough today, but when I got it moving it felt much better. I had my all the PT's cracking up tonight, especially mine, over my cadaver ligament. It's a long story and I'll spare you, but hey, at least I can still make people laugh.
FF's sister hasn't liked any of my posts in a long time, but she liked my D10's birthday post. I got tempted to look at her page, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My IC says it's perfectly fine if I avoid the hurt. I feel weak because it would still hurt me, but she reminded me that I can avoid the pain and that is not weak.
I just don't want to feel like a ghost anymore. I want to feel alive. My IC thinks I am an incredibly well coping strong individual. I read what I write here and I sound like a depressed mess. But I function well, and I guess that's what counts.
Saturday ex can't make it to the game and I am glad. Sunday, me my dad, stepmother, D10 and her bestie are going to the Sugar Factory in NYC for her birthday gift. I am excited and so is she. Look it up. I'm going to need insulin, lol.
Again, if you made it to the end, I congratulate you.
Remember that guy online who just ghosted me after one text? The one who had some crazy profile, called him out on it and we connected? Well, he sent me a message through match saying he knows what he did was crappy but he had a valid , but won't bore me with the details. he said if I was still interested and single to text him and he said some other stuff. I sat on whether or not I should text. I eventually did and I said " I have debating if it's nuts of me to respond ot the guy who ghosted me". I heard nothing. I just got pissed and sent another text "is this some weird game you like to play?" Nothing.
I remember that guy Ginger. The one you gave profile advice to right? Well maybe his initial profile was accurate to the type of guy he really was!
I was reading an internet article with advice for women, I will forward it to you, but will post some of her more debatable points about it here to see opinions
Some of the things she advised was
1. Never contact men first. Now I know this is old fashioned. And I know that men will always say that's not true, they like to be contacted, or they are shy. And some people say that you will miss out on a nice, shy guy this way.
Well this author says that if a guy wants to meet you badly enough, they will figure it out. And that men who "aren't truly available prefer to take a passive approach". She says that by initiating contact you will get more dates, but with guys that arent really into you but that a guy that pursues will be more interested and have more value.
(BTW, I was the initiator with my ex)
2. Ignore guys with lazy opening lines.
3. He should pay for the date. You should not have to help him date you. ANd if he really likes you, it will be his pleasure to be generous within his budget. She says just a simple cup of coffee or juice bar is ok ( I know this one is up for debate)
4. Be aware of signs of disinterest and be quick to end it. Never work to engage him in conversation if he is unengaged (drinking, checking phone, acting flat)
5. When there are Any cancels or flaking out from a man don't immediately give him a 2nd chance. Pass up the first apology and see if he persists.
6. Limit initial meeting to an hour, even if you are having a good time. Have something scheduled after your meet up, like work or a meeting. He should have to setup a "proper date"
She is basically saying that it is natural for men to court and that it increases the attraction and chemistry for both genders when you abide by more traditional rules. It might not be logically and rationally fair in our more equalized society, but that is works on a more subconscious level.
Good advice, but I take exception to one part - the "never contact a guy first" part.
Online dating is like being at a party and casually starting up a conversation with someone attractive that you see across the room. If you do nothing you won't get to speak to many people.
I found I generally had better luck by looking and saying hi to men I found interesting. Some of them might never have seen my profile otherwise, because of geography or age (some men, for instance, might have an age cutoff a year or two below my age but would be perfectly well interested in me since I am youthful.)
Men who contacted me often seemed to be using a shotgun approach and didn't seem to have even read my profile, or were clearly far from what I was looking for.
Hello my friend.I am glad you are on the mend...albeit slowly. And knowing you, because we are so similar..you dont have time for slow. You want it fixed now.
So, I am going through some tough stuff. While I know there are others out there with far more burdens, these are mine and I am trying to embrace the fact that it is ok for me to feel worn down. Doesnt make me weak. It makes me human.
Once in awhile a thought creeps in about why bad stuff keeps happening to me and to those I love. I see people who seem to breeze through life without a challenge in the world. While I dont wish them anything different, I wonder about it. Then I realize I have no idea how their lives really are. They could have terrible burdens I dont know about.
Anyway, as I hate to feel sorry for myself, I try not to. But sometimes, I am just freakin tired of it all. So when you say you feel like a ghost, I know exactly what you mean. You put one foot (for you literally right now - ok, sorry, my bad) each day and get through it. But sometimes I dont want to just "get through" something. I want it fixed..done..gone.
You know me, so, I know you know I am not one to feel sorry for myself and I hope that isnt how I am coming across. I just mean that I would like to just have a small period in my life where things arent so freakin heavy.
I want a time when I am not waiting for the next shoe to drop, or that I am not waiting for when my life will be tranquil. And then I realize, I am wasting some valuable time waiting and that is just adding to the problem.
I have now started to practice mindfulness, which, for people like us, is kinda hard. Like I dont have time for that! LOL! But really, it is helping a little. I try to be in the moment and feel it. So that at least in that time, I am engaged in my life. I am not thinking about all the stuff that succks. I am just enjoying that minute, or hour.
As I said, I understand feeling like a ghost. That describes it exactly. And while I could say that things will get better. You will feel better. You will feel whole and fulfilled and where you should be. And that would be true. But if I say that, it negates how you are feeling right now. And I want to validate your feelings. You feel as you do and that is ok.
I used to say on here that one will not always feel the way they do in this moment. That things change and people and circumstances change and so do we. And that is true.
When the feelings come.. the overwhelming feeling, the something is missing feeling, the waiting for the bad thing feeling begin to set in, I have to remind myself that while my life doesnt look the way I want it to..I have gotten through a lot of stuff and I am ok. And that maybe this is how my life is supposed to be at this time.
G, it is ok to have the feelings you do. What isnt ok, at least for me, is to allow them to permeate into my being present in my life each day. And trust me when I tell you...it doesnt always work. But each day, I try. Some days I make it and some I dont, but that is the goal.
What I am trying to do now, is figure out how to change some things so that I feel a shift in some way. It includes letting go of some thoughts, some people, some actions and figuring out how to get closer to feeling like I am no longer a ghost. I have to do something different or I will stay stuck. Change the things I can, ya know?
You want someone to share your life with. You have tried it the way you have been. Maybe it's time to do something different. I think you have to put yourself out there. I mean really put yourself out there.
I would have said the same thing to the cop because that is our knee jerk reaction to having people wanting to help us. That we are ok. That we can handle it. And I am not saying you should have said anything differently because you and I are not game players. We are real. But maybe next time, try a funny remark or something else that would have engaged him.
Just be you, G. Your wonderful, sassy, funny you. Do it even when you dont feel like it. Force yourself sometimes. Because who cares what the heck people think as long as you are being true to you.
I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you feel as I feel it. But life is passing me by as I float among it. I dont want to do that anymore. I want to be a part of it. I want to experience all of it.
G, life can change in an instant. Tomorrow you could meet the person you were meant to be with. Until then, just be present in every moment. Let those things go that you can, like having to be with your ex and his wife. Because let's face it, you lived that life and now she has to..that must succk. I know its hard sometimes, but, who freakin cares about them? As long as they are good to our girl.. bye Felicia.
I am sorry you are feeling as you do. It is so hard to feel that way. It weighs us down. But we have weathered the toughest of storms and come out the other side stronger.
So, change things up some. Do something different. Any little shift can cause a different result.
I know you are going to keep going. I know you are ok. I know, without a single doubt, that you will figure it all out. Til then, know that there is a little Brooklyn girl rooting you on always. <3
I just read the article and what you posted here. I agree with almost all of it and I do most of it. I am one of those independent women who doesn't need a man, and all that, but I am traditional somewhat. I rarely ever reach out to a guy, but I should if I am interested. I always let them pay and let them all first. I need to work on cutting down the date time, they all seem to go on for hours. I can carry a date pretty well even if there is no connection. I feel awkward ending it though. I ignore every guy with a lazy opening. I will respond to the ones who actually read my profile and seem interested.
I agree with men courting. Anyone I have picked the brain of anyone I have ever dating on their feelings towards that. Everyone of them wants to court the woman and feel like a man. They begin to not like it when they need to make all the decisions or are paying for everything as time goes on. But initially they really want to be the "man". And I want to be treated like the "woman".
When you marry your first real boyfriend you think you get to skip the dating part. I never imagined having real feelings for multiple men in my life. I saw exNG in a photo on FB today. First time in a long time. It was weird. Feelings of nostalgia and what could have been came back, but no longing.
I just want that ONE guy. Many is weird for me. But I have to go fishing to catch one, right?
