Thank you for your condolences. I cried for her kids, for her husband. She has a 5 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. Her husband loved her more than anything. I found out when she got her terminal diagnosis that her and her husband renewed their vows. She did pass very loved, cherished, and peacefully.
I have pretty much been alone in isolation for the last few days and I am losing my mind a bit. D9 came home last night from her dad's, I was alone all day the day before until I went out to dinner for my aunt's birthday, and then I was alone all day until she came home. Today we got mani Pedi's and grabbed ome pizza for lunch, and her friend invited her over so she's been there and she texted and asked if she could have dinner there too. So I am solo for dinner again! The isolation is rough. I can be alone better when I can go out and do stuff, but I am limited. My grocery shopping trip was more than I could handle.
When I saw my IC last week, she asked me how I felt when my dad and stepmom left. I told her I was very sad. She said she figured I would be. She understands how much I loved having others around and how difficult it is for them to leave. While I have friends, I don't have much family, and my life really is lonely. And when holidays come around, my friends are with their families at home or on vacation. I basically grilled myself my own labor dinner dinner last night and had a beer.
Yes, I am losing my ever loving mind. I am actually looking forward to going back to work. I need adults around! My manager texted me today and told me she hoped I was feeling better and to have a speedy recovery because they need me back. It's nice to be needed, lol. Especially when I was feeling extremely stepped on by one of the newer ones.
Friday night is D9's pep rally. It's also his night, but I am taking D9 and her friend. I figured he would meet us there and take her home. Well, he has a retirement part. Guess who is meeting me. That's right, OWW. It's going to be me and her. Right now I don't feel like I have it in me. I usually hang out with the parents of D9's friend who I am bringing, but I don't think they can get their until later if they are even coming. Now it will be me and OWW. I am pretty sure I am bringing a flask.
Sounds dumb, but every time cheerleading season rolls around, I imagine brining my imaginary boyfriend with me to cheer my daughter on. Another season is here and I get to hang with my ex husbands affair partner!
Ugh! I know you know it already, but you have a fantastic life (except for your current injury which will get better) and your affair partner is stuck with your very scummy ex. Plus shes a hoarder. Enough said.
I smiled when I read your past few posts because I kept thinking, "Wow she is a classic extrovert! She should be around lots of people at this time" I think I am a mix of both, but i remember feeling the same way when I was on maternity leave. I went to work injured cause I could not handle being home without structure or socialization.
It will get better though.
I have fantasies too about being on a date, when I am out. I dont even have a crush on anyone, so it makes no sense. But you are not alone in that. Its normal to want a companion to share nice times with.
I have horrible guilt because I feel like I do not have a fantastic life. My life would suck with my ex still in it but as it is right now, I feel kind of miserable at times and I feel guilty feeling that way. When ex left me I was barely 28. I heard from everyone else "you are so young, you have a chance to start over, get remarried, still have another child". Well, now I am 37 and none of that ever happened and the other child definitely won't and getting remarried is looking pretty bleak. My life is no where near I want it to be. But it's not bad it simply "stable" I guess.
I always thought I was an introvert. I had a small close circle of friends, and I blended in. I was kind of embarrassed growing up of my life. I lived in a small middle class town, and I was the child of a drug addict. I don't think the other parents knew too much of my life, but I guess I was always a little embarrassed. I kept to myself and stayed inside my circle of friends. It was safe. I realize now that I am an extrovert although I need my alone time to recharge. I like to be around those I connect with. I thrive on that.
OWW did not come tonight. It was ex's night but I didn't need her to sleep there anymore, so I kept D9. I brought her best friend to the pep rally tonight and I had a realization. The only school parents I am friends with is D9's BFF's parents. ANd they were there tonight which is why I brought her. Other than that, I never made any "mom" friends. They are all kind of cliquey in my town and their kids have siblings and they all see eachother through other sports. I am friendly with another mom but just basic friendly. I think part of me was always too insecure to become friends with the other parents because of the single parent status. It's not an unusual thing to be a single parent but there wasn't many in my town, and none as young as me. I regret not making more, but it is what it is. I should have been more involved with school stuff, but I didn't know how to make it work.
I have no date prospects right now, absolutely nothing. I haven't since FF and I broke up. It's lonely. I would love a date. Tomorrow night after the game I will go home alone and maybe treat myself to some sushi.
Today I spent too much money getting my hair done. But I needed to feel good about myself. So I got rid of the gray, got some peekaboo highlights and a cut. Tomorrow night for D9's game I am going to maybe even wear some makeup. It's hard to feel pretty dragging around a leg in a huge brace.
On a good note, D9 loves loves loves middle school! She loves school in general which is great. Her teacher is best friends with a high school friend of mine. Then she switches one class and that teacher today asked "are you so and so's daughter?" She recognized her last name and knows ex and his sister. I remembered her when I found out her maiden name. Hopefully she doesn't hold being ex's daughter against her, lol.
My bad season is coming upon me. I do really horrible with the holidays and the fall, while beautiful, depressed me. Joining that gym last year helped lift the depression a little. Having somewhere to go 5 nights a week, seeing those new friends and keeping my body healthy really helped.
Vitamin D 5,000 IU/d and a light box will do wonders for seasonal depression.
Dating and mom friends - both do require effort. But it's important to put that effort out. I'm a friendly introvert (I'm not shy, but I need my alone time to recharge). When I was married, my extroverted ex-husband would arrange dinner parties and camping trips with friends (the friends HE liked, he was intolerant of spending time with anyone HE didn't enjoy).
I didn't keep in touch with those friends after the divorce (honestly, most of the women were gossipy - not my thing).
I have one super-close female friend, that I've known for thirty years. We talk almost daily and lunch together a couple of times a week. And I have casual friends that I see occasionally, but as I get older (61) I can see that my laziness in this arena is a bad thing. I need a bigger network of close friends - the happiest older people that I have seen were ones that had an active social life with a group of friends that they had for years. I also see how my 85 year old mom has outlived her few close friends and all but one of her six siblings, and how her shyness has kept her from making new friends.
So one of my goals going forward is to work harder on broadening that circle of good friends, and try to create a more sustainable long term circle of good friends. Towards that end, I'm starting a "goals group" with my friend and some other women - kind of like a deeper bucket list. Not about one-off items like skydiving, but big picture things - what have I not accomplished yet in my personal, professional or financial life, that I would like to? How do I prioritize those choices? And how do I begin to manifest them in my life?
What kind of group might you be interested in starting?
Oh, and about children? You never know what the future may hold.
My sister had secondary infertility after her daughter was born. Then her sociopath husband left her when her daughter was five. She remarried a man who also had a daughter and had had a vasectomy, Her relationship with the stepdaughter was and is difficult, through no fault of my sister's (honestly, she's pretty saintly) but due to stepdaughter's own issues and poison pills from stepdaughter's mom. But when my niece was in her early teens, my sister was running a home daycare. One of her kids was a 7 year old in the care of a "aunt and uncle" by marriage (not biological). Her mother was a drug addict and the grandmother lost custody for not getting her the surgery she needed for her congenital heart condition in a timely manner (she has hypo plastic left heart).
Anyway - the aunt and uncle were divorcing and weren't willing to keep her any more, and she was going to end up in the foster care system. My sister hadn't planned on adopting, but she couldn't bear to see this kid lost to the system, and her husband and my niece encouraged her to overcome her fears, and they adopted her,
Well, she turned into the second child my sister always wanted. She's sweet and kind and stunningly beautiful. With my sister's help she's overcome most of her academic challenges. She's a high school senior, a cheerleader (without the attitude), has a nice boyfriend, and is an all-around great kid loved by everyone in the family,
So - just saying - you don't know what the future might hold.
Last edited by job; 09/09/1712:42 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
I remember when D9 entered kindergarten I tried to sign her up for girl scouts. I emailed the person in charge, she never got back to me. Getting her into girls scouts was almost impossible. It never happened. It probably would have been the best thing for both of us. You are right, mom friends are important and its like dating! The good news is I made a few more when I chaperoned the 8th grade dance. I met some new ones so atleast I have some moms to talk to at these games, it's getting better.
As far as the other kid..... I know I could love someone elses kid as my own. Absolutely. I have. And I have also considered adoption and fostering. But I simply cannot afford it. Financially it is something I cannot handle. Unless I have another income coming into this household, I couldn't do it. But I have really honestly considered it.
D9 wants a brother real bad, haha. She would love for me to have another kid. ANd she would make the best sister. But if I could even manage to get a dog in here, things would be better.
Journaling, Yesterday was a day of cheer for D9. We did pics in the morning and game at night. It was an away game and where we sat was the longest walk on grass, but I made it! I sat with D9's best friends parents and another mom and then ex comes on over with OWW's and her parents! I didn't know they would be attending. They are very kind to me and I am very kind back. They respect me as D9's mom and they love her like a grandchild. OWW was telling me how D9 is growing up and now goes to her bedroom and closes to door to get ready when dad is around and asked OWW how to put her bra on.
After the game, we were all by my car with OWW's family. ex calls his MIL "ma" and for some reason it stings me. His FIL put my chair in the car for me (even though I am capable) and I kissed and hugged my D9 and watched them all drive off with my baby as I went home alone. I sat in the car and just burst into tears. Actually, I shed them as I type now. I didn't expect the tear and on the way home I did what helps me. I stopped at Marshall's and went shopping. Unfortunatey where exercise used to soothe me, I now have shopping, eating and drinking, haha. So I bought myself a new wallet and a nice warm sweathshirt jacket for the games then I stopped at Smashburger because I hadn't eaten all day.
I get commended for how I handle this situation. I will be honest, it is so hard, and so painful for me at times. I do it for my little girl and because harboring animosity would only hurt me, not them. I want them to see I was someone who did not deserve what I got. That whatever was said about our marriage or the person I am is not true. Because to accept what their daughter did and to accept this man as a SIL, I am sure some horrible things were said about me to make this all ok. And I am not that person. And I just want my little girl to be happy and loved. And she is. Parents say they would do anything for their kids and this is truly a test of that saying. Throwing myself in front of a car would be easy to save her life. Giving her a kidney would be a piece of cake. This however has been anything I imagined giving my child to ensure her well being and happiness.
And every day I still go home alone. I still soothe myself, even if not the healthiest ways. I would just like someone to be there for me to hug when the pain gets bad. No one knows this about me at all. In this situation I feel isolated. I have friends who will say "it's good that OWW is good to her" Of course it is. But the degree of difficulty that comes with this I do not think could be understood unless one had to experience it. My BFF has kind of been MIA lately, and I really have been kind of alone in my thoughts. My next closest person is my dad and I can't share this stuff with him, because he basically tries to talk me out of feeling as I do because he doesn't want his daughter to feel pain. I know he is extremely proud of how I have come out on top despite all the adversity. I know he talks of me often with his friends. It means a lot.
On another note, my ex's cousin died of an OD yesterday. Very sad, he was in his early 30's with a wife and 3 year old. I saw him a few years back at a bookstore and he seemed like he was doing really well. I do find it interesting ex told me immediately after he found out. I know this as a fact because We were just on the phone discussing the bday cake he got D9 for today. less than an hour later he tells me. All his major news in his life, I am still one of the immediate people he tells. I am sure his wife first, but then usually me. I am going to be connected to him, his wife and the whole family in some form for the rest of my life.
Could that have been anymore long winded? If anyone actually made it to the end, I commend you, lol. I just needed to journal.
Girl, you are doing the right thing and I can only imagine how crazy difficult it must be. Take some comfort though in knowing that all that OWW "won" is a crappy husband!
My kids were college age when my ex left and I am forever grateful that the girl he married was not One of his affair partners, but someone that he met almost a year later. Still it's difficult because she's his Asian "dream girl" and almost twenty years younger. She wasn't responsible for the end of the marriage, but the IDEA of someone like her was. I'm grateful that she treats my kids ok but honestly I would have trouble having to spend time with her the way you do with OWW, and she wasn't even around when ex left! I admire your fortitude and yes , doing the right thing is HARD sometimes but that's what we momma bears do for our kids.
My sister - same one I mentioned above - had to make nice with the OW that her first husband married, because her oldest daughter would visit them and OW went on to have two boys who are my niece's half brothers. When my sister's ex cheated on that wife too, the OW wife actually apologized to my sister.
Think how often your Ex's OWW must think about the possibility of him cheating on her. If you marry someone in circumstances like theirs, it must never be far from her mind.
A lot of people don't really get it, until they live through it. They don't have the actual "hands on" experience to recognize forms of deception. Or to even be bothered much by the thought of it. So OW and her parents, probably believed what ex was telling them, without truly understanding the pain that goes along with it. Kind of like child birth. You can read about the pain, but until ex does it to her (my guess is that its coming), none of them will get it.
"She wasn't responsible for the end of the marriage, but the IDEA of someone like her was."
Ugh. I get this. Now that I have my own "hands on" experience, I get what your saying. I just started an OLD account and I am being bombarded with messages from much older divorced men. I cant help but think that they are going for me because they couldn't be satisfied with women their own age. And then the men my age, are all going for the women significantly younger cause they were no longer satisfied with women my age.
I guess what i am saying is that because i lived through it (kind of) and lived through it vicariously through the pain of many of the women I have met on here, I would not date any of these much older guys that i believe were walkaways because I find the idea of it unfair and painful too.
It wasn't just that she was younger, but that she was Asian. The woman he had the affair with years before was also Asian. It's a surfer thing, having an Asian girlfriend.
As for older guys contacting you on dating sites - part of it is they all think they look younger than they really do lol! And yes, it's also a red flag for MLC (whether or not they are WASs). That being said, I dated men who were much younger than me, so it's not really fair for me to judge. I wouldn't completely rule out a guy because he was older, but he'd have to be pretty fit and healthy to offset the risk of ending up nursing a feeble old man.
You know, when I found out about the A, I just prayed it would end and even if it wasn't us, it would be someone else who wasn't knowingly screwing a married man with a baby on the way so I didn't have to have these feelings. It was the one respite I wanted to get from the divorce. I accepted we would not be a family and we were not good for each other, but I prayed he would get rid of her and find a nice woman and she wouldn't be tarnished with horrible immoral doings. Instead they get married and have been married longer than we were. I hate it to bits. It hasn't bothered me this much in a long time. I don't know why it's coming up. I think it's back to the sheer "Unfairness". Now I wish atleast I could have had the opportunity to be in a committed relationship and that isn't even happening. I am leaving for IC soon and I think we have to figure this out because it's bringing me down.
About the Asian chicks? What's up with that? ExNG had a serious thing for Asian chicks. First, he had a crush on his sushi chef. He was open about it. He showed me a picture and I know this horrible, but she was NOT ATTRACTIVE. Then guess who he has waiting in the wings? Another Asian chick, that's the one he has been with ever since. And from confirmed sources, that is her allure. That is about it. She is more attractive, but he thinks she is the hottest thing.
Total TMI, but FF and I used to joke about a threesome. We set down ground rules and mine was "No Asians!!!" It was really just a game we played when we went out. BTW, 2 of my bestest friends are Asians, I have nothing against them. One is even setting me up with a friend..... we shall see how that goes.
In other news, my last class has begun and I go back to work on Thursday. I don't know how ready I am for that. Ready, but not ready. And tomorrow D9 officially becomes D10!!!D10, ex and I are going out for her traditional birthday dinner with just the 3 of us. I keep waiting for the year he asks to bring HER, but I think he knows better,
