Vent Fest

[JujuB]

Congratulations! Thats an awesome accomplishment. Not easy, while working full time, being a single mom and injured. I hope you realize how amazing that is. Singles out of school with no obligations struggle. So i hope you dind a way to celebrate.

I am thinking about my own situation and relating it to you. It seems that when one really doesnt care about something, they are more sought after. (In my life im seeing this with jobs, and men that i have no interest in)

Perhaps its developing an attitude where you can take it or leave it, that attracts relationships, jobs, friendships. Its the real xoncept of letting go. (Either that or i have just become numb. )

[Ginger1]

Thanks Juju,

I have tried to let go of what I want. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could take it or leave it and I keep trying to think that way. I delved in a little with my IC about how I grew up doing just that. I pretended like I didn't care if I had a normal family, or a normal mom, or a home to go back to when I left at 18. I pretended like I was little miss tough where nothing affected me. I pretended in high school like I didn't care I was ugly and that I didn't care that guys weren't interested in me. Actually I went through this somewhat of this hot topic kind of girl phase with the JNCO jeans and rock t shirts (I did atleast actually like the bands) chain wallet thing going on. I realized when I got older it was because I knew if I dressed like that it was a different reason why the boys didn't want me. Because it was a CHOICE to look as I did and if they didn't like my choice, too bad. But if I dressed in the trendy clothes like the other girls, then I knew why they were rejecting me and that hurt too much.

From 18 on I had a lot of anger. I only realize that now too. I was angry with my mom, I was angry the way my life turned out, then later I was angry with my ex.... and that anger began when we began dating. I was angry for him treating me crappy while I over extended myself for him to just love me and choose me. Most of that anger actually left after the divorce. I finally let myself really feel. And the anger was something that wasn't building up anymore.

Right now I don't have a choice but to really let go of what I want. I don't want to become angry again. My way of not becoming angry is honoring what I want, not pretending like I don't want or need it, but rather in a way, grieving what I don't have while appreciating what I do. Sometimes it's just difficult.

This morning D9's friend was coming over after we went to pick up my online grocery order and go to walgreens to get a present for the ex and pick up scripts. I get back in the car and yup, that battery did die on me. I called D9'sfriends mom and she came, and we learned how to jump start a car. I went and got a new battery installed today when ex took D9 for a few hours for his Bday. D9 and her friend baked cupcakes and we made him a mini bundt cake, frosted it and put a candle it. I cooked my first meal today since surgery. I was on my leg a lot and it hurt, but I'm getting back to life. We waited an hour past my apt time yesterday, but I got my stiches out and I start PT tomorrow.

Ii had a really sad dream the other night about FF. It's kind of weird, in the day, every time he pops in my head, my brain has learned to reject him because it's rejecting a pain I feel. Which I guess is good. But that dumb dream.

Last night I got back in my bed last night and got to sleep without the brace, but I am not sleeping well. Aleast I was more comfortable.

I just neededto journal that out.

I am actually not as miserable of a person as I come across. I am usually funny and laughing and energetic. I just have to find my "thing" that isn't exercise going through the holiday season.

I always make it work somehow!

[kml]

If you haven't read this book yet, I HIGHLY recommend How to Be an Adult in Relationships by Richo He also has another book called When the Past is Present that might be useful to you as well.

[Dawn70]

Ginger, I read your latest post and while I could probably comment on a few things, I really just wanted to comment on one of the very last things you said....about you aren't actually as miserable as you come across. For whatever it is worth, I don't think you come across as miserable at all. You have had some crappy luck lately between the whole thing with FF and your surgery and such issues, but you have faced them all with strength and determination. That's not miserable in my book, but a victory. I think you are a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders and you know what you want and what you don't want (which is sometimes just as important as knowing what you DO want, if that makes sense). Hang in there and keep on keeping on. I think you are a wonderful example of how to face tough, stressful issues with grace.

[Ginger1]

Thank you Dawn, hearing you say that means a lot. I have hit a significant rough patch every year, and I just have to plow through them the best I can. I feel like I am a person who really has her sh!t together but other times, I think I might be losing it. I think they call that adulthood?

I do feel like I keep ending up with situations that test the strength of my heart and my ability to be strong and graceful. I have one situation that will always be there that will never go away, and that is my ex and his OWW. Forever, there affair will be in face. I can't hide from it. I had a suggested friend request on FB from OWW again. Her profile pic of them is a close up of the three of them. It hurts. It will always sting, but I have learned to tuck that hurt away.

The other night on ex's birthday I got a missed call from his at 2am. I don't know if he butt dialed me or drunk dialed me, or even worse, sex dialed me. I texted him in the morning and I said "wild birthday night, huh?" He just replied "yes". He's an interesting character.

Something else noteworthy that kind of blew me away.... D9 and I were having a conversation and she said whenever OW wife ties to teach or tell something to D9, she looks at ex, not at her because she is worried she is saying the wrong thing. I was simply blown away by this observation of a 10 year old. And she is right on target. He has a way of doing this to people. Blown away.

I am back in PT but can't do too much yet. I am in it for the long haul though, atleast through novemeber. Good news is, she says it will be a long road and we will get there slowly but she will have be doing plyometrics and box jumps and all my pre-injury activity. I am excited for that. Right now, I am just working on bending my knee to 90 degrees. Something I never thought would be so hard!

I go to hospice orientation tomorrow and for 5 hours I have to sit in a chair. It is surely going to cause me lots of pain, because I did it for 2 hours when I went out with friends last night and that was enough. And I had drinks to help. Hopefully it won't be too awful. My lovely coworkers all chipped in to get me a gift certificate to my favorite Chinese resturaunt so I don't have to cook too much. It was very sweet. So tomorrow night D9 and I will be doing our Chinese Friday she so loves.

Ellie,

I haven't read those books. I'm not big on self help, I have only read DR and forgive to forget. I have plenty of time to read so I will give them a shot, thanks!

[Dawn70]

Thank you Dawn, hearing you say that means a lot. I have hit a significant rough patch every year, and I just have to plow through them the best I can. I feel like I am a person who really has her sh!t together but other times, I think I might be losing it. I think they call that adulthood?

I think that is, indeed, "adulthood", Ginger. And sometimes adulthood absolutely [censored]. But, I know exactly what you mean. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world and sometimes I feel like I don't know my own a$$ from a hole in the ground. Adulting........not for the faint of heart.

I get what you are saying about your situation that will never go away. I am always struck by how similar our lives are in some ways and I, too, have the XH married to his OW and it will always be right there in front of me, so to speak, since I still have a relationship with the girls. It helps that he lives 1600 miles away from me so it is not in my face all the time, but at some point, I'm pretty sure they will move back here and then I will have to see them more. UGH. I just try not to worry about it and think (or should I say hope) that there is someone WAY better out there for me.

Hang in there, lady....you are doing amazing.

[Ginger1]

Yesterday I found out that someone I went to school with form kindergarten until we graduated high school was on hospice for metastatic breast cancer. She died this morning in her husbands arms. We were FB friends and our daughters had the same name. She also has a son. She went off of FB about a year ago. She kept her battle very private. We were in the same friend group throughout middle school. We were pretty close back then. I remember in the 6th grade we became "patrols" for the younger kids and had posts. She had a very special one..... there was a little girl with Downs Syndrome who was mainstreamed in our school. She was in charge of just her morning and night. Because of her she decided she wanted to be a special ed teacher and that's exactly what she became.

36 years old. A friend has sent me the post form Instagram he wrote after she passed this morning. I can't stop the tears. She died in her husbands arms surrounded my her family.

It's just so incredibly sad.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Ginger,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. That is incredibly sad and difficult. We never know what someone is truly going thru.

I'm with Dawn. I never think you sound miserable. I think you sound human. We all have challenges and I always appreciate your candor.

Sending you a hug.

[job]

I am so sorry to read about your friend. She had a difficult struggle and is now at peace w/no pain. We just never know when we wake up in the morning what the day will hold for any of us. Keeping your friend in my thoughts and prayers.

[Dawn70]

Big hugs, Ginger. How sad, but how beautiful that she was able to go surrounded by those who loved her most. Hang in there!