We've been married for 6 years, no children. I don't feel there is an OW. He may be looking, but I don't see a chance for him to be having an in-depth affair right now. Not impossible, I know. I believe I have overall been a good wife. However, I acknowledge I have had patterns of behavior that would grate on him over the years. I don't think he needs an OW to push for a divorce. I've bee doing a 180 and a lot of work on myself.
My understanding was he did not want lawyers due to the cost. Also, he felt having a lawyer means automatic trial down the road, instead of just mediation. He feels this should be a straightforward process, selling the house and splitting proceeds exactly 50/50. I respectfully disagreed and wanted education and counsel for myself.
Cali, just fyi, you can go to your signature block (your profile has it) and add a few facts to the signature block so that people can recall your history at a glance. Include bomb drop date, length of marriage, kids/no kids, etc
Originally Posted By: Cali
We've been married for 6 years, no children. I don't feel there is an OW. He may be looking, but I don't see a chance for him to be having an in-depth affair right now. Not impossible, I know. I believe I have overall been a good wife. However, I acknowledge I have had patterns of behavior that would grate on him over the years. you are human. We are all flawed. All of us. You may need to work on forgiving yourself.
I don't think he needs an OW to push for a divorce. I've bee doing a 180 and a lot of work on myself.
^^that sounds like good work. Can you describe the the things you want to work on? Can you describe what your h would say if HE were here?
My understanding was he did not want lawyers due to the cost. Also, he felt having a lawyer means automatic trial down the road, instead of just mediation. it does Not mean automatic trial. (Trials are rare for divorces.) Plus it's a no fault divorce. The only issue is financial, correct? Lawyers argue back and forth and draft settlements for the parties and let each side know what is likely and what is best for their client.
However, given the duration of the m, (less than 10 years) and no custody issues, you may just need a lawyer for a few hours to review anything before you sign off on it.
I also don't know who has more wealth, relatively but that matters.
He feels this should be a straightforward process, selling the house and splitting proceeds exactly 50/50. I respectfully disagreed and wanted education and counsel for myself.
That is smart.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
One thing I've been struggling with is whether or not to go on a vacation H and I planned. 10 days before the bomb dropped, H had bought be a ticket to meet him after his business trip and for us to spend a week together. The ticket is paid for, although he is no longer going with me. I'm unsure about going, as a few years ago I went on 2 vacations with family members without him. This was one of his complaints about me. Also, between his business trip, if I go on the vacation we will be physically separated for 2 weeks. Any insight would be appreciated.
2 weeks of physical separation might be a very good thing for you.
BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore" Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life" 10/22/17 She's gone
5 days after my WAW BD'ed me I went on a work trip, the time alone was perfect for introspection, calm and clarity.
I highly recommend you go.
Make absolutely sure to take a copy of DB & DR with you. read up, read up read up.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
For several days, H expressed a lot of closeness with me. He invited me to sit with him and watch TV. He asked me to lay with him and held/ stroked me on the couch while watching a movie. He asked for back rubs, initiated intimacy with me, including sexual intimacy. He spoke with softness and affection towards me, asked me to eat with him, shared a story about his day. He invited me to play a round of a computer game we used to play together, one of his favorite games. I did. This went on for Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun.
I was responsive, pleasant, and enjoyed our time together. I did not analyze our time together, or ask about the relationship or future. I continued to do the things I have been doing in addition to responding to his closeness and taking part (I went to the movies with a friend, went to the gym). I cleaned up the home as I have been doing (something I was lacking prior to the bomb drop).
Come Monday after work, he seems distant, does not say much to me, is held up in his room most of the night. He's a person who has needed space when not in a good mood. I gave space, did my own thing and did not pursue. Same thing on Tuesday evening.
Last evening, Wednesday, H comes home and asks me if I sent in my financial docs to his lawyer. I told him I had. He said he almost has his docs together. He asks me what I want in the divorce (i.e. sell the house, when, ect).
I calmly say I need more time to think. I also say I am not doing anything with the house until the divorce in final (we probably won't get a hearing date until at least April).
He's frustrated with me because I'm delaying this "as long as possible". He frustrated I won't come to a divorce agreement now. I stay calm, take a shower, a little later I go for a drive, cry, call a friend, wait for my face to return to normal and go home to sleep.
His emotional and relation tone was very different from the weekend. I'm not sure if it's something I did, or his internal struggle.
I am really sorry this is happening. One of the hardest parts of this process is trying not to mind read or understand why they do things. The reason for that is that 1. we can never find the answer (they may not even know), and 2. it keeps our focus on them, which is the opposite of detachment. I am years down the road with an H that came back after an A, and I have come to understand now how much confusion and self-doubt he had during the entire process. He didn't show me this then--he told me he wanted D and it would never work--but it was always there and it haunted him, as did the guilt.
I think that he reached out to you and wanted closeness and intimacy is a positive sign. It may not mean that he is calling off the D and ready to R, but there is a part of him that does want and seeks closeness with you. Those feelings may come and go for him, and he also may believe since he filed for D, he needs to follow through. Hopefully as you continue this journey, he will revisit those feelings and continue to second guess his choices. In the mean time, just take it day by day and follow Sandi's 37 rules. Plenty of people get back together during a D or even after.
You seem to have a good grasp on the DB concepts. Keep up the good work with GAL and creating space. I think it is smart to keep your emotions safely away from him right now. ... I also wanted to echo what 25 said about not agreeing to his terms, consulting an L, and protecting yourself financially. That should always come first and be independent of if R happens or not.
I also have noticed (here and in my research) that the WAH are more likely to be having an A than not having one. I can't quote you a stat, but it seems that the WAH that is also wayward, is more likely to come back to the M (meaning compared to when they are not having an A and compared to WAW/WW in general). They also appear to be better at hiding it too. Many posters here have been completely blind-sighted months (or longer) down the road. There can be no signs of an A and the A may even be a fantasy. It doesn't help to search/speculate (unless you need the proof, however Ca is no fault state), but it is something to consider so you can further protect your heart. I would hate to see you open yourself up and be vulnerable to him again and then down the road learn about OW.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I think it would really be hard for him to keep up an affair with the way he's been, as he's isolated himself very much since telling me he wants a D. Before this past week, he was spending almost all of his free time in hid office playing video games. I would come home at night, on a weekend day, and he's be in the office. He may be talking with or seeking people online, but I don't think he's in a relationship.
H and I had a good week. Last Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and this past Sunday, and Monday, H initiated closeness with me, wanting to cuddle on the couch while watching movies, giving me bricks, me being happy and relaxed. He wanted to make love on these nights, multiple times, and share back rubs (like we used to; he was especially affectionate).
I did not cling, talk about the future, or say "I love you" during this time as to not scare him off.
Tonight, after I come home from the gym, he asks if I thought about what I want in the divorce. I say I'm still thinking things through. He said to me "I'm pretty committed with going through with it (the divorce). I just want you to know that".
I remained calm, took some space in my room. Later in the evening I went for a walk and cried somewhat (did not cry in front of him).
I felt I was making progress toward saving our marriage and that my working on my own attractiveness/ GAL were working. There was definite attraction, more closeness and affection than there had been in months.
He has said that he is committed to the divorce. Does that mean saving my marriage is definitely out? He did this also a couple of weeks ago (few days of closeness, then talk of divorce, then coming back to me a few days later wanting to be close). Also, why would he think that I would be thinking about what I want out of a divorce when we are spending time together, making love, etc?
As a reminder, often these folks want to distance after a period of closeness. Stay on your own path and do what you need to do for you. Focus on his actions, not his words.
