I was served divorce papers today. It cites irretrievable breakdown of marriage. I accepted them from the server. My husband is home. I've been calm, watching tv in my room and practicing yoga. He approached me and said that I should just come to an agreement. He seemed, to me, callous and cold about it. I told him I need to educate myself a little more about the process.
There is no OW to the best of my knowledge.
Recently, he has been asking me what I've been up to (I've been going out with friends, family, and myself to places of interest). I'm sad and it seems I should give up. Should I stick with DB? Has anyone come back from a spouse filing?
Thank you. Any tips for continuing DB after being served divorce papers/ when a spouse is asking about a timeline for making this final would be appreciated. I'm getting advice from a lawyer, with the intension to continue with DB.
I wrote him a letter over the weekend, in the manner advised by Michelle, in which I write what I wish I had done during the marriage without justifying myself/ without expecting a response.
I have not cried, begged, or tried to get him to talk about the relationship since he told me 3 weeks ago that he wants a divorce.
I have a long-term habit of being emotional and crying/ trying to get attention during a conflict or when I'm hurting. I'm focused on changing that and practicing self-care. I'm trying to give space without pulling away totally.
Cali, keep posting in one thread rather than starting new threads. It's hard for us to keep track of stories when people have multiple threads going.
Originally Posted By: Cali
I've been calm, watching tv in my room and practicing yoga. He approached me and said that I should just come to an agreement. He seemed, to me, callous and cold about it. I told him I need to educate myself a little more about the process.
Great reply! And you should do exactly that.
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Recently, he has been asking me what I've been up to (I've been going out with friends, family, and myself to places of interest).
Tell him you're doing things for yourself now and leave it at that. Don't share the details with him. He wants you out of his life then he loses his right to know where you are all the time. Mysterious is GOOD, it makes him wonder what you are up to and what he's losing.
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Has anyone come back from a spouse filing?
Oh yes, all the time. 25 has a statistic that she quotes, I forget what the number is but I want to say it's like 1/3 (?) of all divorces filed in Cali are never followed through on.
People reconcile even after D. I have two friends that did just that. One had a classic WAS, she pushed for a fast D and they sold their business and farm and went their separate way in just a matter of months. A year later she started sending out feelers his way. A year after that they were living together again and they are happier than ever. The other is a similar story, but it was a much longer timeline. He and his ex remarried 8 years after their D.
What is the key to reconciling? Seems like the key is well and truly moving on. Recons rarely happen until the LBS has moved on to a new life. One of life's little ironies.
Cali, one of the things that was important for me to realize is that the things I needed to do to win my wife back were the same things I needed to do if my wife never comes back, like get a life of my own, reconnect with friends, work out, go out and do things I wanted to do but didn't because I was waiting around for her to do them with me. If she comes back, great, but if not, I'll be better off for it.
Two of the things that's helped me realize is that I wasn't the best husband I could have been, but also that she was a pretty terrible wife, and if she ever does want to get back together, unless she's willing to work on some issues of her own, I'm not really interested.
Some more background would also be helpful.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thank you for some insights. I went out to an event last evening with my sister, something I'd been looking forward to. I arrived home around 10:30. I was feeling happy as I'd had a fun evening at a museum. I said a cheery "hi" to my husband and he said hi back, then I went on my way to get ready for bed. He said "I though you were maybe staying out all night". I got comfy and started doing some art in my journal in the living room. We were both calm in the home.
My husband went into his room shorty after I came home, and I believe he locked the door. I'm feeling unsure as to why he did this, as I have not been following him around the house or going into his room. I'm trying to remain hopeful and to keep my positive changes going.
For a relatively new poster, you have made lots of great moves (giving space, doing GALs, etc)
Originally Posted By: Cali
I'm feeling unsure as to why he did this
But this is one part that is tough to do: don't try to divine any of his reactions right now. They have little do do with where you are and where you are going.
Question: Have you actually started reading DR or DB?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Thank you. I've been reading DR and re-reading parts of it to keep focused.
I'm going to consult with a lawyer. H already hired one. He was initially very frustrated that I wanted to consult a lawyer before putting up the house for sale. He had hoped for a lawyer-free divorce. He assumed that by wanting legal advice, I would want to litigate. I agree with him that I don't want litigation. I have not been debating with him. I know mediation is a thing. I'd like to be as collaborative as possible with him while working with a lawyer, especially since I have DB goals.
He sat near me in the living room about a half hour last evening while I was watching a TV show. He retired to him room shortly after. I understand he may be feeling really crappy. I don't want to assume how he feels or ask him about it; I'm allowing him to have his feelings.
