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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I understand some people just get very angry with their spouse after BD. But I do believe that anger is misplaced. Personally I never did get angry with W, I understood it wasn't easy for her, that she felt like she needed to do it to save herself, that she was confused, and most of all that she didn't hate me, that she just didn't want to be married anymore. I really don't see it as being her fault. Our M had been on autopilot for a long, long time. That was as much my fault as hers. What I never realized until it was too late is that while autopilot was OK for me, it was not for her.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that I truly feel my XW and I resolved things quicker and easier by remaining cordial and open to discussion throughout. I am not saying it was easy, but it was a lot easier than it could have been. And for me that was a large part of saving myself. A long, ugly court battle would have sent me into depression and anxiety all over again.


Thanks for the perspective, AS.

I don't know if a cordial resolution in the D is in the cards for us. Maybe W will surprise me with her generosity, but I'm pretty skeptical. I already know what she wants (she emailed it to me), and I'm pretty sure the goal of her talk is to finalize it with me. I know the final D decree is all that matters, but I've been told that any precedent I establish now could have a bearing on the final decree.

Do you think the time difference between BD and the D (about 20 months) helped you in this regard? I'd imagine you'd already gone through your anger by the time you were facing D. Unfortunately, this is all really fresh for me (BD in April), and the anger I'm feeling at the moment is mostly due to having to tell my kids. The anger has subsided a little since we told them a few weeks ago, and I can see how it'll probably continue to lessen. But for now it's making it really hard for me to DB. Maybe I've been acting cold toward W - it's the best I can muster right now.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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I had a session with my IC yesterday. Things went okay and we talked about me establishing boundaries for when W becomes nasty, snarky, or pushes conversations that I'm not ready to have. So that helped me get some confidence about dealing with her.

Not many developments otherwise lately. I do get emotional when I think about my kids, but they're out of town for the week and I've been avoiding W like the plague at home. GAL every night this week - working out or meeting friends out for dinner and drinks.

W apparently had someone drop off some moving boxes at the house, so she's planning on packing up something, even though she said she intends to stay in the house. She did take down the framed wedding photos we had in the hall, and I saw no trace of them in the house. Not that I really wanted them or cared to look at them any more. But I do think she's trying to do some things to stick it in my face.

Interestingly, I think a girl I work with might be flirting with me (remember, I stopped wearing my ring the day W said she wanted a D). I know it's far too early in my sitch, but I really enjoyed realizing that I'm still desirable to members of the opposite sex!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Posts: 4,560
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My W did that BS when she moved out, took down all the pictures of us and put them in the closet. She didn't take any of them with her. I jokingly asked if she wanted one and she just gave me a look.

I took my ring off as well right before she moved out. It felt kinda weird at first but now I don't give a crap. For me it is my way of saying to her I am done as well.

I had a women ask some mutual friends who I was over 4th of July when we were out on the lake. I didn't do anything with it but it was a incredible boost of confidence!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: May 2017
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Originally Posted By: holding
Not many developments otherwise lately. I do get emotional when I think about my kids, but they're out of town for the week and I've been avoiding W like the plague at home. GAL every night this week - working out or meeting friends out for dinner and drinks.
This going out and GAL thing gets pricey though! It's been a long time since I have just gone out with friends and forgot how much it cost's to be social sometimes! Your doing good, I too get emotional regarding the kids, just yesterday for no reason at all a picture popped up on my computer of my kids and I became very depressed for 15 minutes until a co-worker snapped me out of it. We are allowed to be emotional, we're human beings! WW is the emotionless alien!

As far as the opposite sex question.... I too have been getting noticed by woman at the gym, at work, other mom's in my sub and so on. While being married I felt it would disrespect my wife to talk with other woman, that's just how I am, now that I don't talk to my WW in that way anymore I really miss the interaction on a bit more of a personal level. Not sure if I could act on any of it as I am all about protecting my kids. We can't have both parents stepping outside the marriage until it's over.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
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Originally Posted By: holding

I already know what she wants (she emailed it to me), and I'm pretty sure the goal of her talk is to finalize it with me.


I'm just curious how far apart you are on what she is asking for versus what you are looking for?

Quote:
Do you think the time difference between BD and the D (about 20 months) helped you in this regard? I'd imagine you'd already gone through your anger by the time you were facing D.


I never did feel anger towards W, but yeah I think the lengthy time span did make a difference. She started the D process, but never officially filed. I was the one that ended up pushing it through. By then I was done and ready to move on. It was the last thing I felt was hanging over my head.

Quote:
But for now it's making it really hard for me to DB. Maybe I've been acting cold toward W - it's the best I can muster right now.


Yeah I understand that. You can't really talk about the anger with her because she's both feet out the door, so the best you can do is just leave her alone.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks Joseph, Dusty, and AS!

Originally Posted By: Joseph9
My W did that BS when she moved out, took down all the pictures of us and put them in the closet. She didn't take any of them with her. I jokingly asked if she wanted one and she just gave me a look.


Well played! I wish my sense of humor would come back, but I'm just very resentful right now. I'm sure some sarcastic humor from me would drive W crazy. I should work on that. smile

Originally Posted By: Joseph9
I had a women ask some mutual friends who I was over 4th of July when we were out on the lake. I didn't do anything with it but it was a incredible boost of confidence!


Yes, it's a great boost! Since our spouses don't want us, it makes us feel unbelievably worthless. Getting that confidence back is part of rebuilding ourselves.

Originally Posted By: dusty70
This going out and GAL thing gets pricey though! It's been a long time since I have just gone out with friends and forgot how much it cost's to be social sometimes!


Yes, it does. I try to limit my spending by being very frugal in other places. I figure I need to treat myself in this regard, since I've really neglected myself for so long.

Originally Posted By: dusty70
As far as the opposite sex question.... I too have been getting noticed by woman at the gym, at work, other mom's in my sub and so on. While being married I felt it would disrespect my wife to talk with other woman, that's just how I am, now that I don't talk to my WW in that way anymore I really miss the interaction on a bit more of a personal level. Not sure if I could act on any of it as I am all about protecting my kids. We can't have both parents stepping outside the marriage until it's over.


I completely agree that now's not the time to act on these things. I still remind myself what I want to teach my sons about Rs and M. So any kind of crazy fling is totally off my radar. I do wonder, post-D, how I'll deal with dating in relation to my sons. I really want to be a good role model for them.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I'm just curious how far apart you are on what she is asking for versus what you are looking for?


Pretty far, and I know this may be a fight for me. She's very unrealistic about what's fair, considering ALL of our assets, as well as what's best for the kids.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Posts: 826
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Part 1 - The Weekend by Myself

This weekend W was out of town with the kids, so it was a time for me to just relax and do some GAL for myself.

Went out Friday night with a friend. We went to a bar and stayed until they closed, which is something I haven't done in YEARS. He offered to be my wingman and help me hook up with someone. I thanked him, but said that's not my style, I'm not a dirty cheater like W. I want to walk away from this filthy D with my head held high. And my kids don't deserve to have a cheater for a dad.

I did a charity event on Saturday at a kids museum. Then I went home and got myself a gourmet pizza and watched TV (also something I don't do much of). Oddly I didn't get emotional being by myself at the house, unlike last weekend.

On Sunday I had an upset stomach. It could have been the pizza I had the day before, or it could have been the thought that W would be home soon with the kids. You might remember my stomach was upset last week watching Game of Thrones with W. So after a while, my stomach started to feel a little better, and I made an executive decision to go skydiving.

Skydiving really helps clear my head and give me an emotional boost. This was my second tandem jump, so I got to do some spinning and acceleration tricks. I really have no fear of heights, so I'm considering continuing this as a long-term GAL thing, but I'm just not there yet. My next step is the solo training class, but I haven't signed up for it, and may hold off until after the D is final due to finances.

I had a thought that when I meet someone new, I could take them skydiving with me, where we both do a tandem jump. That thought gave me hope for a better future.

After I got home my stomach was upset again and I felt a little achy. I was thinking about going out with a friend, but just wasn't physically up to it, so I laid down in bed for a while.

When W got home with the kids, I was still in bed. W came in and asked if I was okay. She asked if I was feeling bad or if I just didn't want to be around her (passive aggressive again). She got me a thermometer so I could check my temp - HA! A literal temp check!!

She sat down in the chair in the MBR and wanted to talk. I decided to allow it, knowing that if things started to get out of hand, I'd ask her to leave, or at the worst just walk out myself.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Part 2 - The Talk

We ended up talking for about 30 minutes. We started off talking about the kids. She tried to push the alternating weekend thing (while we're still living in the house, but before D is final), and I said I wasn't going to agree to that. I said we'd just have to communicate with each other to work weekend activities out.

She said I should have gone out of town with her and the boys. She thought I would've had a good time. I told her I didn't think so.

We talked about how we'd like to keep the house, but neither of us could probably afford it. I told her it was a shame for the boys, since they've lost their family and will now lose their house too. She mentioned the possibility of us both living in the house post-D, and I said there was no way I was going to do that.

The conversation turned to the MR. I let things go on since at this point I think the MR is over, and if she wants to perform an autopsy, I don't give a sh*t. I told her she obviously had her mind made up at BD, and it was cruel to lead me on and let me think there was a chance to fix things. She denied that. I told her I didn't believe her, since she never tried anything, and she didn't respond positively to anything I did to work on things. It was always too little, too late for her. If she had really still been trying, how could it also have been "too late"? She didn't have a good response for that, other than insisting that she tried.

I don't remember why she brought this up, but she mentioned she'd been talking to a female friend (someone who is actually a *good* influence on her), and this friend had reconciled with her H several years after a D. I said this was the third or fourth time she'd made a reference to possibly coming back to the MR. I point-blank asked her if she was considering this. She said even if she were, I'd make her "pay" for what she's done, and would be full of bitterness toward her. I said if she did want to come back, we'd have "so much work to do to get back together", and if I felt my bitterness was too much, I wouldn't even let us try.

I said again that her heart is with someone else right now, and she told me I was wrong.

She talked about how we could have fixed this if we'd worked on things a year or two ago. I validated her, but I didn't back down in pointing out how I stuck with her when she went through her hardest times. She wanted to know why I never made changes (like I'm making now) all the other times we faced problems. She'd told me that years ago she'd thought about leaving when we'd been to a MC (although she never told me she was thinking about that then).

After a pause I told her I'm going to be a good husband for someone. She said she hoped I would be.

(And yes, I can see there are serious communication issues at play here. Talking about our problems was never a strong suit for us. Things often got swept under the rug. I think we were both afraid to say hurtful things in the past, and that led to issues not being resolved. And here we are now.)

W said she would be watching Game of Thrones shortly in the living room, and would enjoy my company watching. I asked her if she was serious, and she said yes. She said I could sit on the opposite side of the living room from her. My stomach was feeling better by this point, so I decided to give it a go. I told myself that if she started with any snide comments, or if I felt uncomfortable, I'd just get up and continue watching in the MBR. We watched, W seemed to be in a lighter mood, tried to make small talk, and I responded minimally. I noticed she kept texting on her phone, but I just didn't care. I really felt nothing toward her, ignored her, and enjoyed the show.

Afterwards, she asked my opinion on a dress she got. I just shrugged my shoulders, made a confused face, and said "it's okay I guess". She didn't like this response and just walked off.

It's like she thinks she's going to flip a switch and I'm going to go into buddy mode with her.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 165
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At least you're having any discussion regarding your MR. My WW is either so far gone with zero possibility or it's because she is in so in love with ongoing EA that she is still in the cloud. I also have very good reason to expect her best friend is playing wing man for her trying to set her up with other guys including a former high school friend that has always wanted to be with her. That is why I am in protect my children mode because if they find out what their mom is really doing it could be beyond devastating for them, sure hope i'm not the one who tells them!! Keep up the good work and see where it goes, looks like she is taking notice.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
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Thanks, Dusty. I understand wanting to keep the A from your kids. In time though, I think the kids always get a feel for their parents, even if they never figure out the details.

Do you honestly think these MR discussions with my W are a sign of anything positive? I don't see how anything could be turned around now. (I know - it's a marathon, not a sprint.) I'm not interpreting these interactions as a possibility, they're more like a chance for W to justify her position. Except for this "what if" reconciliation talk my wife throws out - it makes it hard for me to stay the course to get my life back.

One things is certain though. I'm confident I've communicated to W that I'm done here and am ready to move on with the D and my life.

OK - one other thing I remembered from the conversation. Last week W took down all the wedding photos from the hall, and I never knew what she did with them. I found out last night that she brought them to her parents' house for safe keeping. She noticed I'd taken down some pics of us in the MBR, and she assumed I trashed them, so that's why she took the wedding pics from the hall. I told her I only put those MBR pics of us away so I didn't have to look at them, and she seemed a little surprised by that. So yes, this is a glaring example of our poor communication skills, jumping to conclusions, and our tit-for-tat mentality. This kind of stuff has plagued our M.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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