Focus - So nice that you've found such a nice guy! Sounds like he has done all the right DB things since his breakup, even though he hasn't been here! Shows he has good character.
Thank you. Yes, I have to admit, I was looking at the way that he dealt with things after. Both for himself alone and in the way that he communicated with his XW (they have 2 children that were 8 and 11 at the time...I think).
Originally Posted By: kml
About the divorce - do the paperwork yourself and send it. If you don't want to contact him for the address, can you ask someone else to contact him for you? I know it feels unfair that you have to do the work, but it will free you.
This is a great idea, thank you.
As with everything in this whole process, I've thought about things for a while, taken a small step forwards in some way, then shelved it for a while, before thinking about it for a bit again, and taking another step forwards.
From the outside it looks like nothing has changed, but I'm taking small steps.
Originally Posted By: kml
Also, be careful. I would interpret his question about your mortgage balance as worrisome; could he be trying to make a claim on it and wants to know how much equity is in it?
Yes, you're right, thank you.
In my previous life I would never have distrusted his motivations. But he's a stranger to me now and I have no idea what he's thinking/feeling. So thank you for reminding me of that.
Originally Posted By: kml
Sounds like you should be safe if joint funds were never used to pay the mortgage, but be careful.
Also, the house is legally mine. It was mine even before we ever met, so it's not considered matrimonial property. It was the second big thing I did for myself after he left. The first was changing the locks.
Actually, when I think of it, it's the third. The first was not pursuing him in any way: no calls, texts, emails...
Originally Posted By: kml
Also - congratulations on your almost paid off house! Check out the Mr Money Mustache website, I think it might resonate with you !
I just read through your latest posts and felt such positive spirit from them! You're really doing so very well!
Congrats on being almost mortgage-free! That's a big achievement! I'm just starting on that path now, but I'm buying something cheap so I can pay it off quickly.
So nice to hear about your straightforward guy. It's so good to not play games or wonder about secrets.
Best of luck!
Thank you Painter. I've followed your story with interest, when you were on the other board as well. I know I didn't post much, but I was reading.
I can see now, looking back, the incredible stress I was under in living with someone who was basically lying for so many years - to me and to himself as well. And I can see how the stress impacted my mental and then physical wellbeing.
He was unable to deal with his feelings, not able to find a positive way of expressing them, so he just dug himself in deeper into his mess...alcohol and other women. I guess in the hope that I would do something about it.
But I didn't, of course. The boiling frog analogy I guess. And the thought that he could/would never do something like that.
Anyway, my own part? I guess the way I handled my own stressors, right at the beginning of the slide downhill (10 years ago now, and 3 years before his behaviour started becoming disrespectful towards me, in small ways). I thought I was doing the best I could, but what I was doing was also making him feel cut off from me.
I can barely type those words, because now I understand the consequences of that. And I guess I still feel responsible for the affairs, like I wasn't giving him enough to be happy together with me. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade the version of myself I am now for the version I was before. It's hard for me to type those words too, because what I had in my life before was what was most precious to me and what I most cherished. I guess I should have cherished myself more though. I don't know.
I'm taking two more pairs of jeans to the charity shop. They were from the start of all of this, but they're too big for me now. Even the 26 inch waist skinny jeans I bought a while into this whole thing are starting to look a bit looser now and not quite so skinny. I'm down to a 25 inch waist in jeans, which is the smallest I've ever been, even as a 20 something year old.
It's funny because I'm eating as much as I can and I'm also cooking totally new things from recipes online and in books...another 180 for me, as I used to make the same things all the time and it was STBXH who was the experimental one in the kitchen The other evening I made baked peaches with almonds and chantilly whipped cream. Oh my, those were delicious!
Other 180s, I've started wearing dresses, like those 1950s vintage type ones: fitted on top but with very full skirts. I wore one to one of my closest friend's wedding last year. That was more an evening one, in lace and with a big tulle underskirt. But now I also have a couple of plain cotton ones that are a bit more daytime appropriate, so I wore them to my work last week. I got so many compliments...it was lovely!
I'm really touched and overwhelmed by the way other people are reacting to the newer version of me. I've been on the receiving end of so much love and affection from pretty much everyone - even people who hadn't really warmed to me much in my previous life. I'm lucky to meet loads of people as I work in different areas/jobs, and I've felt this from pretty much everyone, even when they don't know what's happened or even if they're people I have met in the past couple of years.
I've also earned more money this year than probably ever before. End of August is the end of my business year, and I can tell it's been a good one for me. I'm still way below average earnings for this country, and would probably be classed as 'poor', but I haven't felt that way this past year. That's one thing I wanted to do for this year, earn more money, and I've done that...it feels amazing. So next year, I'm going to build on the success of this year and do the same.
Other news, I'm very happy with my new romance. I can feel it's different to how it was at twenty something, but that's OK. It couldn't be anything but different, considering I'm almost 20 years older and have been through a few things now. I (we) still both have a very playful, childish and lighthearted side to us, and it feels like we're both getting the chance to express that.
Sorry I'm not posting much on other's threads. I'm reading though.
Hi Focus, Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while. It is fantastic to hear the progress you've made. I'm jealous!You've been through some tough times but you are stronger than ever. Your story is inspiring so keep posting!
Thank you so much Scrant.
I still have days when I feel a bit down. They're not specifically about STBXH - he feels like a stranger to me now, and my life with him feels like it belonged someone else entirely.
But the days when I feel down are more to do with my own feelings about parts of me. Like the dreams and ideas that I had about what being married to someone meant, and also more specifically ideas that I had about trust...those kinds of things, they feel they have taken a battering.
A little bit of self awareness is never a bad thing tho, eh?
Overall though, day to day, I'd say I feel very happy. I feel very grateful. And I have come to understand in the past couple of weeks that the practising a sense of gratitude that I have been (at many times) inadvertently doing over the past year (maybe longer), has let the door open for lots and lots of other positive feelings, opportunities and experiences.
I'd say, looking back, for myself, this has been the key to everything: learning to practise a sense of gratitude. I think I probably started with trying to feel grateful for very, very small things. I remember shortly afterwards, painting my front door. It took a huge effort, and when I started, I thought I would only be able to manage a small corner. But I gradually managed to paint more and more of it, in that one session, and I felt immensely grateful that I could focus totally on something so simple and pass some time, and not be completely overwhelmed by the utter pain I was feeling the rest of the time.
I now wake up in the mornings and make a point of telling myself what I'm looking forward to that particular day. And now go to bed at night thinking of the things that have happened, things I have felt I feel grateful for that day.
Feelings now, almost two years on: a profound sadness (but not as deep as sorrow), a feeling of absolute peace (I don't know if this is acceptance or not), gratitude for the things I have learnt and way I am at this point in time, a feeling of gentleness and kindness towards myself that I didn't have before, a deep sense of contentment in some of the small things that happen during the day.
So, I've had some time off work over the past few days and have had a lot of time to think.
I've come to understand and feel (so both an intellectual and a feeling understanding) just how much drama that been in my life for the past 6 years.
STBXH's work (working away for months at a time, on some very intense and demanding jobs) and his emotional rollercoaster (drinking, affairs)...well, I had gotten used to those. It's only now that there is some distance between us, and I have had a chance of being more myself, that I can see that very clearly.
I think I felt it straight away, after he left, and once I stopped being scared of the silence in the house. The silence wasn't empty, it wasn't one of absence, but it was a very peaceful one, and it felt filled with possibilities.
It's all too easy to see why I was drawn to Mr Abusive Heavy Drinker afterwards.
I got home after a few days away, staying with the very amazing man I've been seeing, to find divorce papers sitting on my doormat.
STBXH has actually been to a lawyer.
I'm a bit shocked, to say the least. This is the first thing he's organised. Maybe perhaps it wasn't him? Anyway, that's irrelevant. It's there in black and white.
He clearly doesn't want me to know where he's living as he's given his address as his parent's address.
But it's the simplified procedure as there are no kids and no financial matters to sort.
So, instead of trying to work out how I feel about it all, and sitting mulling things over in my head (as I would have done in a past life), I went for a run. My new, longer run, which I've done three times now. I cut one minute thirty seconds off my time...lol.
Result? I still don't know how I feel about it, but I've done something positive for myself
Good job! I'm sorry if I'm behind on reading your posts, but if it was simple why did you let it go for so long?
It's a very simplified procedure, because we have no children or joint property/shared assets. You just fill in details (name, address) and there are a handful of boxes to tick.
I guess it was waiting for the two year separation date. Before that date, you need your spouse's active consent to the divorce. But after the two years it doesn't matter what they think/say and you can divorce them irrespective of what they want.
That's the only thing that I find a bit strange: we're almost at the two year point now. Why didn't he just wait for a little bit longer? Why did he want my active consent?
In a way, it doesn't matter. I'll never know and the end result is still the same. So, that question is irrelevant. No point in even trying to speculate.
And that's the feelings I'm left with overall. How? And why? I mean, I can fill in the blanks intellectually, but in a feeling sense none of it makes sense. How can something have been so irreparable that it's easier to walk away? But I guess I'm not the one that lied and cheated, so throw that into the equation and I guess running away/getting divorced is easier than living with all of that on your conscience and being reminded of it every time you look at your wife.
And where am I in all this? Today I feel...well, I don't know. I'm left with the sheer hard effort of making sure I'm always making positive choices for myself and of moving forward in my life. I've learnt a bit of that over the past couple of years. I guess I hadn't been *as* aware of it in my previous life, and hadn't made as consciously positive choices for myself.
Maybe I'd been a little bit self indulgent with myself in my previous life? There's no room for any of that any more in this brave new world. I've needed to toughen up on myself, for myself, for sure. Maybe that's why I'm enjoying the discipline of training/running? I need that discipline in my life now, for myself.
Last night I had a dream about going outside, in the rain, with my new partner, and both of us had not a stitch of clothing on us. I/we felt no shame in having nothing on, just excitement of wanting to go outside and laugh in the rain. I remember how the raindrops looked on my skin: beautiful and magical.
So here's a test for me, and of all the work I've been doing:
There's been some building damage to another of the places I work (this one is my main freelance income over the year). So a few of my jobs there have fallen through there, and there is doubt over when/if it will reopen.
And I found out this morning that one of my promised freelance jobs has fallen through right at the very last minute (was due to start the day after tomorrow). It's leaving me with quite a big hole in my finances.
I'm trying not to let myself be overwhelmed with worry and panic.
In my previous life I would have been catastrophising big time by now.
I started feeling myself going down that path after I got the news about the second one this morning. And I could see the path ahead of me, and the possibilities and options open to me by going down that path.
Instead, I updated my LinkedIn profile and did some yoga (YouTube video, Yoga with Adriene. Am I allowed to say that?).
And tomorrow I'll send a couple of emails, update my CV and start emailing it out and uploading it to a few places I was thinking of. And do some more yoga.
Wednesday I'll go for another run, a walk and then the gym. Thursday, run, studio and then gym.
And next week I'll start on my accounts (it's my year end).
In the past I would have let this unexpected extra time slide by into nothingness, but I'm determined to use it to my benefit this time.
My last post I wrote about the jobs that had fallen through.
That day, the day I found out and wrote the post, I decided to work on not stressing out about it, feeling grounded, and then also feeling appreciative and very grateful of all the opportunities I've had over the past two years (but this past year especially).
I went to bed feeling on a very even keel and OK with things.
Next morning I woke up to a really great job offer by email. I kid you not.
It's a month contract, from one of the companies that I've already done a lot of work for (STBXH has worked for them too, on some stuff which was super successful. But that's by the way).
There are two quite big down sides to this offer of work, that I wanted to discuss with the very wonderful man I've been seeing. I had to wait until late afternoon, after he'd finished work and got back. I have to admit, I did feel very anxious about that. Mainly because I had no idea how he would react (and I guess I had no control over that, which is what was stressing me out).
When we started going out, I did make sure to explain to him that very occasionally something might come up with work, which would mean I might have to cancel plans (or better, postpone them).
Anyway, we had planned a week away together, and I had bought flights (ridiculously cheap ones) for it, and he had also bought two tickets for a gig.
He said that he would have been disappointed if I hadn't accepted the offer, seeing as I'm self employed and it's a fantastic opportunity. At that point, I did start crying a bit, as I felt overwhelmed that someone could be so loving and supportive.
I guess with STBXH, his career came first, and pretty early on in our R I learned to stand aside for him and minimise my own successes. Totally my fault for being so willingly subservient, I know. And it's probably one of the things that helped inflate his ego so much. Anyway, what's done is done.
As part of this job, we get to stay in some pretty nice hotels. So I'm going to ask if he can come and stay one weekend. And then I'm going to take him out for a fancy dinner after I've finished, as a thank you for having been so supportive. He's like me, he doesn't earn a lot of money, and I reckon a big chunk of it goes on helping his two kids. Any dinner out is quite a big treat (for both of us).
Going to carry on working on feeling appreciative for everything that comes my way, and feeling gratitude for the opportunities I have, as that seems to be the key to all of this (or at least, one of them).
I guess that's to do with reframing things and perspective. And it changes you from being a victim and acting like one, to feeling empowered.
