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I really don't have much idea, however, anytime the WW hangs out with female friends that are not friends of the marriage.........stands to receive vindictive advice to use any means to get everything she can from the settlement.

From this point forward, you may need to see your W and yourself as two separate entities. Unless she goes to you freely and sincerely wanting to do the necessary work to save the M, you cannot divulge the information you hold. There have been H's who were so desparate for things to be like it once was in the MR, that they would open their big mouth and spill everything. In their mind, they thought it would bring the results in the W they wanted, but it doesn't. The W would actually take advantage and use it against him.

I suggest you try to not watch her, and begin preparing for a new life. The more you can emotionally drop her, the better you will come through this ordeal. Keep your side of the street clean, and she can do whatever with her side.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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As far as i know the friends she hung out with the other night have no clue what is going on. But are in support of the MR. You are definitely right about me keeping information to myself. I want the family to somehow come out of this okay, regardless on how things turn out. And W is clearly looking out for herself. Which means that I need to shutdown my H mindset that has me considering her needs before my own.

Unfortunately I can't stop watching her, because doing so would allow her to get away with something behind back. Not in regards to OM, but whatever plan she maybe coming up with. Its a good thing that I was hoping for the best these last couple of months. But also been preparing for the worst.


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Today was interesting. Started off with W making breakfast and complimenting on my weight loss. She also questioned if my next goal was to get back to my old run time of 1 mile in 6 minutes. The last time I did this was around 19 and 20 years old. Right now my time is a 1 mile in 10 minutes. From there W spent the early part of the day just joking and laughing with him. Also she talked work related stuff, which I validated. Kind of goes against detachment in my opinion, but I entertained her.

Then after all that, W goes off to the bathroom where I can hear her messaging and laughing with OM. How someone over a phone can have that much influence will forever leave me baffled. But I chose not to focus on it, since I had plans this evening to GAL. Got dressed up and W was clearly interested in knowing where I was going. And after I returned home, W was interested in hearing about my night.

Sandi, I know you were mentioning on another thread that the WW has to lose something. Even if they have no clue what it is. At some point, probably towards the end of the divorce. I plan on contacting OM family, letting them know of the A. My W has made it a point to get close to these people as if they are her new family. By letting them know what she has been doing with him would quickly shut down the A. Not to mention those folks would disassociate themselves with my W ASAP. Figured that would be the start to having her snap out of this fog. Problem is that by that time, I probably wouldn't be too concerned with getting the MR on track.


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Tread - you can't control other people's opinions or reactions about the A. And it could backfire on you depending on why you're doing it. Shaming people rarely brings out their best. Maybe there is a dignified middle line between not denying the reality of it but not feeding the drama flames either. And spouses find the oddest way to deny/excuse things, playing with dates or saying 'in my head the M was over so it wasn't really an A' etc.

You can't know what losses will really hurt for your W. Evidently, right now, her current losses aren't enough but no way of predicting it. Like when people decide to get sober?

Maybe it would be better for you long-term to take the GAL high road?


Me: 53 H:38
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Treasur,

Seriously considered taking the high road. But what my W is doing is dead wrong. Plotting against OM W by inserting herself into the extended family. Which happens to be her sisters relatives. All under the guise of just being there for her sister. My W has become very manipulative and will continue to do so until somebody delivers some sort of consequence. And that's where I come in.

I already have letters typed up. And ready to send out at any time. If anyone wants proof, I got it. At this point it's not abiut bringing out her best. If she comes out of the fig good. If she doesn't, then we're on the verge of going through the divorce process anyways. OM is married, so there is no way they can justify that the marriage was over. OM just had a family reunion 2 weeks ago and his W and kids. He was there in photos holding hands with his W.

My guess us W plans on interfering with his MR and then sneaking in much later as if the friendship turned into something else. And I refuse to allow her to do that. OM maybe a piece of sh*t, but his cousins, aunts, uncles and parents are actually good people.


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Gosh, I don't know, Tread...how can you know what the consequences will be for all of these folks? And how will it help you DB or help your sitch practically?

I had to think very hard and calmly last year when I got anonymous death threats, my first evidence really of a probable OW. Or that my H had sent them but my gut said not. I had a bunch of choices and I wasn't sure what to do. I needed to not deny the reality but I was in shock and had a bunch of emotions spinning.

Took me about a week but in the end I decided to do a couple of simple things to keep myself safe just in case...but my No. 1 was that I refused to feed the crazy darkness of it. I just refused to feed it. That was about who I chose to be not the sitch.

Please think slow, and when in doubt, nothing is often a good choice.


Me: 53 H:38
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What do you mean by consequences? The only consequence I see is that E and OM are having an A. And as result people are going to find, which results to destroying that fantasy. I warned them both in the past. And clearly they continue to be disrespectful think I am done kind of a joke. So once this divorce is almost finalized, then I am going to reveal the truth. Call it my final "F You". But they will know that I ain't the one to mess with. Then I will go on with my new, much better life. A big reason why my W continues this behavior is because she gets to hide in the shadows, which makes this all exciting for her. Well it's almost time to shed a light on these cockroaches.


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You can do that but there may not be a coming back to the MR from that. The more people are aware of it the more you make it harder for W to come back.

(you also underestimate how people react. They may support you...OR they support W)

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also, don't focus too much on "the WW has to lose something". The things Sandi2 wrote are guidelines...and the "lose something" could be all sorts of things.

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I don't expect them to disown a member of their family. But I expect they'll break ties with my W like they did her mother years ago for doing the same thing. If they don't, then so be it. I would out the warning out there and mive on with my life. If my W is busy trying to take the place of his W, then her coming back is the last thing I would be worried about.

Once the ink dries, I am going completely dark. W would have to do some serious begging and repenting at that point. And by the time she gets to that point, I highly doubt I will even want a wife.


MR: 15 T:17
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