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Thanks Btrow. I can count on you to pull me back up. I should read your sitch more and comment on there too. I saw you mentioning my name there, how you people gave me hard time about GALing wink

Yeah you bring a good point on detachment. But I'd like to consider my previous state as at least some sort of detachment because I didn't feel/obsess about her, nearly at all! Seems like my thoughts fell back to the hole today. I guess it's some sort of codependency/independency thing now since I was visiting relatives and I'm alone again at my apartment.

Now I just need AS here too telling his uplifting stories about a good future waiting for me on the next page and then I'm set to better mood again! laugh


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Originally Posted By: Btrow
Lc,

You haven't ruined anything. That little incident had no affect on your sitch and you also didn't ruin your detachmenet since you obviously weren't detached in the first place. If you were, none of this would have affected you at all.

Jump back on the horse and continue GAL'ing. You'll get there eventually.

And oh, stop the texting, ok wink


^^^EXACTLY^^^

LC, you are doing fine. I know it's been the longest 3 months of your life, but your sitch has barely started. Your W is still firmly in the "I'm doing the right thing" mindset. Months from now who knows, but this is the way she is going to be for a while.

And actually, I think it's a GOOD thing she was the SSRI's, you think it's a sign of weakness but it's the opposite, it shows you are taking things seriously and you are doing something about it.

You will drop the rope, but it's still many months away. Be patient with yourself.

Originally Posted By: lcause
Now I just need AS here too telling his uplifting stories about a good future waiting for me on the next page and then I'm set to better mood again! laugh


I'll be honest with you, it's not that great. Oh sure I can do whatever I want now- ride my motorcycle at 2am, binge watch Game of Thrones without getting an earful, go work out whenever I want without feeling guilty, get texts (like today) from my super hot GF asking if there's anything more I would like her to try in the bedroom, but seriously.... oh wait what was my point? Who am I kidding life is FANTASTIC!!!!! There was an episode of Naked and Afraid where this couple was doing really well and the guy said "this isn't survival, this is thrive-al" hahaha! I love that! That's my life, thrive-al. I'm not just scraping by whimpering about what was, I am grabbing life by the shorthairs and swinging it over my head. You will too, just give it some time.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

^^^EXACTLY^^^

LC, you are doing fine. I know it's been the longest 3 months of your life, but your sitch has barely started. Your W is still firmly in the "I'm doing the right thing" mindset. Months from now who knows, but this is the way she is going to be for a while.

And actually, I think it's a GOOD thing she was the SSRI's, you think it's a sign of weakness but it's the opposite, it shows you are taking things seriously and you are doing something about it.

You will drop the rope, but it's still many months away. Be patient with yourself.

You read me correctly. I do see that as a weakness, although I shouldn't. I've told about it to people and they've all been supportive and said it's a courageous thing to admit and seek for help.

Though, I told her stupid stuff in texts. I said her I disliked her mentioning stuff about the future because it felt like she was playing with my feelings and I don't tolerate that when she's seeing another guy. That it creates useless hope feeling and she seems to think I'm dumb by downplaying her intentions... that's what I meant with clingy and I seriously don't know why I had to write that garbage. It made me look so weak...

Quote:

I'll be honest with you, it's not that great. Oh sure I can do whatever I want now- ride my motorcycle at 2am, binge watch Game of Thrones without getting an earful, go work out whenever I want without feeling guilty, get texts (like today) from my super hot GF asking if there's anything more I would like her to try in the bedroom, but seriously.... oh wait what was my point? Who am I kidding life is FANTASTIC!!!!! There was an episode of Naked and Afraid where this couple was doing really well and the guy said "this isn't survival, this is thrive-al" hahaha! I love that! That's my life, thrive-al. I'm not just scraping by whimpering about what was, I am grabbing life by the shorthairs and swinging it over my head. You will too, just give it some time.

Hahaha. That's funny and you have a natural talent of bringing people back up. You should be a motivational speaker for depressed people. Man I want to get to that point some day.

It's just really hard with being in a situation where you see your second child born less than 8 months ago. I read somewhere that pregnancy alters the hormonal balance and brains of women to "accept" more love/affection... so it is natural the stress created to the family easily pushes the parents further apart and if an A happens, the woman is very susceptible for it and to continue the new relationship frown


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Feeling better again today. Reading seems to be the #1 GAL for me... even better than talking to (already familiar) people. Somehow my brain just stops thinking about other stuff while I read. I always thought I wouldn't like reading lol.

Why is GALing so hard? Is it the fear? Is it the preconceptions we have of things we think we don't like? I was talking about GALing with my mom and she said she had PPD when they got me and she actually did GALing/going to uncomfort zone to get over it.

For some reason my XW seems to be more open in texting... like joking about stuff. She is really concerned about the kids and still sends me messages daily about them, except when she's (supposedly) with OM. I think I have been too nice...

People who want to watch motivational stuff in YT, check Tom Bilyeu and the Impact Theory series. Crazy stories of success and personal growth.


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My W does the same crap....cold in person but more friendly via texting. Some times I respond to her and other times I don't. I think in person they do it because they are trying to display who is in control. Kinda funny if you ask me, I just try not to pay attention to her moods and act normal.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
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Actually my XW is not cold in person, she's even more open and talks more than I do. Offers me coffee and even food sometimes. I've agreed every time because I wanted to see my kids but I'm going to refuse from now on.

It's funny how I realize now that I've been too harsh on myself for my whole life. I see people with less skills having better jobs... Fear drives me so much but realizing it really helps in redirecting the thoughts. I want to be a motivational speaker at some day. I want to make a success story and be able to share it for people. If I can do it, then anyone anywhere can do it. I want to be inspirational for others. It's cool how I can look back my thread and remember the feelings I've had and how much better I'm feeling now/what kind of a thought process change I've succeeded to make. Time truly does help.

That brings me to the problem - the time frame. I realize I should take this concept for everything in my life - it's a marathon, not a sprint. I'm not going to succeed changing myself in a week, but by baby steps. Also, the goal of changing myself to rescue the M is good to take as an overall principle - work hard in life; you may not get what you originally wanted but you sure as hell do succeed and find your place. Also, as someone pointed out in this forum, success is the best revenge.

I feel that writing these helps motivate me and trust myself more. I hope someone is reading these and getting even a slight feeling of boost in at least some aspect of their life. These are true, genuine expressions I make and feelings I have, and forcing myself to think like this makes it easier to shift it to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sorry if this isn't helping or just makes more clutter. I feel better and that's my goal smile


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[quote=lcause]Great. My XW was bringing kids over and she saw my SSRIs. She questioned if I'm depressed to which I didn't want to lie and said that I've been diagnosed yes and I was even before BD - that it was probably obvious. To which she said yeah, pessimistic thoughts are an obvious clue to depression...


well, to be fair, you knew that pessimism was a problem for you. And now you are working on it. So to me, it's not a bad admission, b/c you both know change is not a magical event that lands on your head out of nowhere.



Somehow we ended up texting about R again and surprise I got clingy (way to go with rope dropping and detachment right?), she said she thinks we've drifted far apart that she doesn't know if she sees us as a couple in the future anymore. That she just doesn't know.

This means she has not written off the r. Let that sink in. Fight the pessimism or it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.




She's happy for me that I've found help for depression though and said she notices I've been much more optimistic since BD.


Keep at it. This is called progress!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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[quote=lcause]Feeling better again today. Reading seems to be the #1 GAL for me... even better than talking to (already familiar) people. Somehow my brain just stops thinking about other stuff while I read. I always thought I wouldn't like reading lol.


reading can take your mind off things. Which is good. I thought you were looking to do a social activity, to meet people and give something else a chance.

Try not to assume things a bit out of your wheelhouse will rob you of something. Just expand your horizons.


Why is GALing so hard? Is it the fear?


Yes it is fear. And your tendency to be pessimistic and giving up.


Is it the preconceptions we have of things we think we don't like?
\


Yes it is.

So, is this the same reason you didn't make changes your wife asked you to make before?


I was talking about GALing with my mom and she said she had PPD when they got me and she actually did GALing/going to uncomfort zone to get over it.

Good for her.


For some reason my XW seems to be more open in texting... like joking about stuff. She is really concerned about the kids and still sends me messages daily about them, except when she's (supposedly) with OM. I think I have been too nice...



Wait...so you think her reaching out more, means you should withdraw? I don't get it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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She says she probably doesn't believe in it. She doesn't know. I find it odd she says this even though she's seeing OM. Maybe she really does wait and is somewhat open to it if I change or if we really do find each other. Though, she says we've drifted so much apart that it feels very distant. But my mindset is actually more positive even though this sounds more negative than last time laugh

Yes, my courses start next month. I still need to find something more. But reading is just awesome.

I mean, she's with OM so if I'm just nice and support her with her problems she has with kids, isn't that cake eating? Shouldn't I back off more? I don't want to be in friend zone.

I think I couldn't change because of fear and too much comfort. I used to love being challenged but I think depression turned me around. I should have looked for help earlier but that's a kind of catch 22 laugh


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I just visited to see my kids a bit. I just don't understand how friendly my XW is. It's like we'd be in R, just without the physical and deep emotional connection. We laugh together, she talks and shares stuff like in R, we play with kids together...

Is this good since she's seeing the OM? Am I being friendzoned and being too nice to her? Should I distance myself so she can see what she loses via D?

I am overall feeling better again. For some reason the beginning of this week was utterly bad for me. Now I can focus again. Ordered the co-dependent no more book.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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