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#2755890 08/10/17 06:25 AM
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New thread as requested by Cadet.

Link to old one

Going through divorce #3

So, the past few days have been good for me even though we have messaged quite a bit. Mostly about my D going to school etc, about kids. Shared even some funny jokes. What's surprising to me is that I'm not really feeling anything about it right now... somehow the conversation feels more friendship style than "one-way", hard to explain. Am I detaching? Am I losing my feelings?

I'm still having negative thoughts about job search and future every now and then but I can redirect my thoughts much better. The support in here, self-help books and video talks are a tremendous help. SSRIs and therapy are probably contributing quite a lot too. Exercise as well. I'm much more "who cares" towards failing/embarrassing myself than previously. My self-esteem has always been quite low, to the point where I don't want to call because I feel I don't remember what to say - now it feels much more natural.

I opened the talk at work and asked them if they had ideas about GALs where I could interact with people (I'm not originally from this city and I moved here around the time I met my XW). I'm optimistic I'll find proper GALs. My sitch is soon 3 months long, so I'm still at early stages. I won't be one of those who stay on the rock bottom forever.

Quote:

“To those human beings who are of any concern to me I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities—I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self-contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not—that one endures.”


- Friedrich Nietzsche


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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Ok...

This is getting slightly annoying. I get pictures of my kids every day and XW texts me how D is not dressing up fast enough to get to school, how she is complaining about homework etc. Am I being too nice answering to these? Feels like I'm here to validate XWs frustration. Certainly don't need pictures of my kids each and every day.

Is this some sort of temp checking? I thought when kids are with her, it's really none of my business unless important. I certainly don't share stuff like this.

PS. Visiting a dentist now frown


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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That sounds like temp checking. You don't need to support her when she's having trouble with the kids. She's made her bed, and now she needs to lie in it. She needs to see that she won't have that support from you after D is final.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Icause......my W does the same thing. She will send me pics of our girls for no reason, last night she texted me and told me she got a good deal on a pair of shoes that my D wanted. Some times I respond and some times I don't. Last night I responded with nice.

The advice that I was given is that if it is not actionable then don't respond. Only respond to those that are actionable and when you do keep it short and simple.

My W and I have been separated for 2 months now and when I used to get these I would freak out. I would ask myself what do they mean? Why is she thinking of me? Is it a hint? Etc., etc. etc.

Now they don't impact me, I try not to read anything them. Unless she wants to talk about our relationship I'm not going to sweat random messages.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Yup, I'd ignore them unless there is a practical question that urgently needs a reply.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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My mom has been playing with D all the time. That's good as they see so rarely. I've been mostly studying, exercising, sleeping the sleep debt away and meditating. I've been preaching about the self help stuff for my brother and parents laugh

So massive panic attack at night and I'm still experiencing the effects. I've been questioning my future and forcing the thoughts to positive does work - but it feels like I'm just fooling myself. Has anyone else who has successfully turned their life around achieving the goals and dreams felt this way?

It's the issue of a fixed mindset. "I was born like this". H3ll with that crap!!! I know the single most important thing to happiness is knowing that we CAN change, we CAN learn and we WILL find the place if we put in the ACTION.

I need to start disassembling the issues to smaller and smaller parts. Climbing to the summit of Mt. Everest is easier if you see it as a series of small rocks instead of one fricking huge mountain.

XW has been with OM this weekend. I've not received anything now which is good. I'm feeling much more detached from XW and my main feelings are just about myself as seen above. I've found I really enjoy reading books and they detach me very well. And reality/informational, I still dislike fiction. I need to buy a kindle.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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XW was annoyed today about something that I don't know the reason for... She was just nagging when I took D back to her.

I drop the rope. I feel emotionless about her stuff now, the nagging didn't feel bad - just made me realize how much I dislike women who nag and can't state their true feelings. I don't want her back anymore. This is it. I've had enough. No matter what happens in the future, I can't forgive her that she went directly with another man. That future isn't going to happen anyways but she chose what she chose. I'll choose differently. I wouldn't be able to trust her anymore.

I saw some vids of people doing calisthenics. Holy cow I want body control like those guys do! That's my routine from now on. Seriously. Also, I've been very happy today. For some reason I'm just smiling and laughing for everything. Right here, right now.

I'll be GALing this week, going uncomfort zone. That's right. Going to meet with my old professor (actually had the courage to contact him via email) to ask how he's doing and if he'd have some contacts for jobs. Also, I'm running seriously again. 3km/14min normal pace! That's considerably better than my 3km/20min pace I had @ BD smile


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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Great. My XW was bringing kids over and she saw my SSRIs. She questioned if I'm depressed to which I didn't want to lie and said that I've been diagnosed yes and I was even before BD - that it was probably obvious. To which she said yeah, pessimistic thoughts are an obvious clue to depression...

Somehow we ended up texting about R again and surprise I got clingy (way to go with rope dropping and detachment right?), she said she thinks we've drifted far apart that she doesn't know if she sees us as a couple in the future anymore. That she just doesn't know. She's happy for me that I've found help for depression though and said she notices I've been much more optimistic since BD.

So... no need to drop the rope and lose the hope when your stupid brain makes you do it automatically laugh Why can't I just let it go? Yesterday I was feeling SO detached, today I'm far end on the other side of the scale?


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
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So good progress and now I just dropped down ruining a) the minor potential chance of having a family reunited and b) my detachment. I was already feeling so good about my future, being able to direct my thoughts and now I'm just ruminating again. ARGH!!!


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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Lc,

You haven't ruined anything. That little incident had no affect on your sitch and you also didn't ruin your detachmenet since you obviously weren't detached in the first place. If you were, none of this would have affected you at all.

Jump back on the horse and continue GAL'ing. You'll get there eventually.

And oh, stop the texting, ok wink


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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