Just stpped by to thank you for your comment on my thread. I asked you a question about your depression zorry i got confused and realized aftwr it was your h that was depressed.
I do not have a stories i can share but i do think our faith will get us through most things
God has gave us free will your h is using it to shot himself and the M in the foot.
Please use your free will to improve and find that this could be the start of the best chapter in your life my prayers are with you. If you cant think long term embrace the small things a moment, an event, use you free will and prove to yourself just how special you are..
That being said i am going to try and use my own advise and make some memories...
On the mail, Own It, I see what you mean. Yes, I suppose I was saying essentially - can't you see how mad this is, please stop if you can'. I had no hope he would and therefore there was no point saying what I wanted because after 2 years I was sure he wouldn't listen. But I see your point.
Ironically it does seem to have made a dent in some way though, so it might stop me financing lawyer's holiday homes at least. (see below)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Pray hard, Nrthman - I need all the prayers I can get. You're right, it was/is my H's depression. He just fell apart and was diagnosed with severe OCD & severe depression. He was suicidal for months and I regularly thanked God that I didn't get that phone call.
Ironically, my H was more devout than me before this. He actually talked about becoming a vicar. I have found my faith has become much stronger in these last 2 years. At times, like the story of the footprints, I have genuinely felt God's hand being the only thing that has kept me alive.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
On the 50/50 split issue. A hard thing to do, separate yourself from the wrongness of the situation, and ask yourself if you litigated what you would get. What does your lawyer tell you? My L says that because of our £ history, age difference and his behaviour with stealing/hiding money from our joint a/c, there is a solid argument that it should be more 70/30 to replace resources he stole.
If the law there is likely going to resolve it with a 60/40 split but you spend thousands getting there, is that a worthwhile fight? If your lawyer advises that you are entitled to a disproportionate share, then that is one thing.
The shift in his behaviour (part mental, part fear of court, part wanting the D done) linked in with my email. When he called this evening, I suggested that we put the issue of talking to one side for now and focus on the practical stuff. That rather than spending thousands on Ls or going to court, perhaps he was now able to have the kind of £ conversation we couldn't have a year ago. So, we could try to agree something between us and tell our Ls what it was. Which is a big step given that he wouldn't even answer a question about furniture a year ago. I shared a couple of bits of my POV about what seems fair, he did the same and we're going to talk again on Weds to try to work it out. I was pretty calm, so was he, actually he got a bit emotional at one point when we were talking about how I'd had to guess about some possessions that used to have sentimental meaning for him. He said that 'my judgement had always been impeccable'.
He asked if he could keep some things - photos and letters etc - that I'd assumed he wouldn't want because he did want them. I got pretty tough about the swimming watch though, that he could have chosen not to take it, or to return it when I asked, or if he'd told the truth in January, we could have claimed on the insurance. That I had no control over any of that and it seemed reasonable that he walks into Cartier and buys me a replacement. And that how he finances it is also not my business but it is an emotional deal breaker for me.
How long do you want to drag yourself along in this journey. I know I'm not one to talk so consider that in what I say, but you spend an awful lot of time worrying about what he thinks of you and your life together and do a lot of mindreading for the worst possible scenarios. The awful thing about the silence of a vanisher - and the added complexity of knowing he was being treated for a mental disorder - left me stuck for a long time. I just didn't know what was going on. For months, the only way I knew he was alive was if his salary appeared in the household a/c. And because you don't see or talk to them, you're not faced with the reality of v2 which maybe leaves you stuck with your original in your head? I was just bewildered and poleaxed by losing my parents too. I think it was all so painful that I just couldn't shake myself out of denial. I tried, but I couldn't for over a year, I think.
And you're right too about mind reading & worst scenarios. Thinking the worst is really because I felt frightened and he looked like someone who hated me and wanted to hurt me. Some of the mind reading about the past? I couldn't bear to let him steal my memories too and 20 years of things that mattered so much to me. But it was so hard to reconcile what was with what is, in silence from him, that I had to fight my own brain for it. I just couldn't bear to think that he never loved me, that I imagined a fake life. Even if he thinks that now, and he may, it isn't my truth or my life. I worried that if I let him steal that too, I'd never find myself or be able to love or trust again.
I doubt he is coming out of his fog. If he is, I doubt he sees his marriage to you as a big mistake. My guess, he is still running and getting this divorce is just the next attempt at making the emptiness go away because nothing else is working. At the same time, I can't stay where I've been. I have to let go, I know I do. It has been too long, too hard and too much loss all at once. I have no idea where he is at. I may never know. I think I do have to accept that, based on what I see, he doesn't see any value in our M worth effort and that he believes he will be happier without my face.
Treasur, you are a class act and no sane guy would let you go. That much is apparent for your writings here. He's sick. He's not your H. Let him go. Spend that time walking those beautiful shores, looking at sunsets and focusing that precious time on you.
Thank you. I think I am too, which is amazing given the circs. My H used to think I was a jewel and that he was lucky. He is sick still. He may always be; he certainly thinks he will need therapy for a long time and to be on ADs forever. I deserve a man who is capable of love and joy and who sees me for real. I had one, but he isn't that man any longer. I know that. Even his voice sounds different.
In an odd bit of MLCness, he is now going back to the old house to 'air' it every Sat morning from 0900-1200, he announced to me...the house he avoided for 18 months...and it really doesn't take 3 hours to open windows does it? No idea what he's doing. But he did tell me that 'whenever I go, I've always been on my own and that will continue to be the case' (MLCers do use pompous awkward language don't they?). I told him I appreciated that, that it was respectful. Actually I believed him too.
So, good things? An end to this painful rollercoaster is in sight for me. We might be able to agree the £ stuff without another 6 months of L's letters or litigation. He seems capable of conversation and taking some responsibility he wasn't willing to do even 3 months ago.
Not so good? I have lost my H. I didn't find a way before it was too late to make a bridge between us, but I tried my best to honour my M. It just wasn't possible. The D I never wanted is inevitable and I never got the chance to try any other option because he wants this.
I will finish my pity party tonight, have a good cry and pick myself up tomorrow again. Time to focus on beaches, sunrise and how the hell I'm going to keep myself financially afloat for the next few months.
I really appreciate the time and support, particularly because I'm so wordy xxx
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Yes, I could see that delaying progress. When mine was doing nothing I mistook it for him having doubts. When he didn't seem to want the divorce or agreement, I too took that as doubts. I think it is just paralysis.
I know that I need to move forward and my kids need me to do so. I think you are coming to that point. Stop focusing on the other stuff. You can't worry or change it away. It will be what it will be. Take the active steps you can take today to improve your situation and leave the tea leaves to another day when you are better able to handle the tea.
I think if you keep posting on this thread Cadet is going to make you sit in the corner for an hour (without a cell phone). And yes, remain in the newcomers forum.
