Ok, gets weirder. STBXH just called me. He sounded...dunno...bit cold and hints of emotion. Here is what he wants/is offering me. He wants us to talk f2f. He says in the last couple of months he has reached a point where he can be more honest and clear than he has ever been in his life. That he wants to talk to me because he thinks it's the right thing to do and he owes me that.
He also says he has a 'gut' feeling that he can't be really honest if the conversation happens before the D is final, that there won't be 'consequences' and he wants to be free to be honest without that fear and he can't do it without that line in the sand. That it's important to him and he wants to talk, but sees it as him answering my questions rather than needing to ask me anything. That he also thinks if I don't want to do it, he can live with the 'dishonour and shame' if I won't talk, but he'd rather we did. And he'd rather do that f2f than write a letter or talk on the phone. That he is sorry he 'hasn't behaved well' (!) and that he's not happy but 'thinks he can be happy at some future point'. That he thinks he will be in therapy for years to come.
I was surprised he rang. He is ringing later because he had to go into a meeting.
What did I hear? He is in a different place. Finalising the D is an important line in the sand for him. He doesn't think he deserves my forgiveness and won't ask for it. He thinks he 'should' talk to me rather than wants to talk to me or see me. I don't think he wants to be nasty to me, but I also don't think he regrets leaving me or misses me or cares about me. I think, for him, I/our M is old news and he sees removing me from his life as a necessary good for him even if he thinks he did it in the wrong way. He thinks he's behaved badly, I guess, rather than feeling bad about what he's done if that makes sense.
What do I feel? I think my M is done and I'm talking to someone who doesn't value it as I did. I think he feels no need or interest to talk to me; just thinks (albeit too damn late) that he should. If I said no, I suspect he'd be fine with it and just press on with his new life. I imagine, with his talk of 'consequences', that some of his honest perspective might be pretty tough to hear, that he might be saying he now realises that it wasn't real love and our M was a mistake for him and he's better off without it/me. That he feels sorry but does not miss me or want me in his life in any way. I'm also aware that it is a chance to hear his truth - or what it is now - and a chance for the kind of closure I have wanted for a long time. And that I'm brave. And that his truth doesn't have to be mine. And that what has happened to him, whatever that is, has profoundly changed him so he will not be the person I knew.
So, my choices? Three really. 1. I let my p****d off inner child out with all her wounds and create armageddon for both of us by going to Court. 2. I keep my boundary of not talking once the D is final, and decide that anything I hear from him is not useful or necessary for me to move forward, or not worth the emotional risk 3. I accept that D is inevitable because he wants it so much, but also accept that being his ex-wife may free him up enough to explain and try to make amends by talking in a way he has not been able/willing to for almost 2 years
Thoughts?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Treasur, I'm impressed you got a response. Mine would have completely ignored that and said nothing.
What is the real hope? That he will resolve the money issues or that he will declare it a mistake and come back. I thought the wording of your email quite interesting. Just don't set yourself up for a fall and your expectations very low. My guess is that if you do hear from him, it will be a vague mess of a conversation that doesn't really resolve anything.
Well, I've just seen the letter from his L. She is basically arguing for a 50/50 split. Some way from what H verbally said a couple of weeks ago and a long way from what seems fair given that as a young man he walked into two properties and a lifestyle completely financed by me for the first 10 years. And given his financial behaviour. My L is on holiday until the 4th Sept so nothing will get resolved for several weeks yet.
I think he is coming out of the fog/breakdown, Own It, enough to want to stop hurting me, but as a different person who sees our M as a mistake and has no shred of love left for me. My secret hope? Not that he would want to come back, but that he would have a whisper of doubt I suppose. Enough to wonder if there was something worth trying for, but I don't think that's true. For whatever reason, I have to accept that he doesn't love me and sees our M as a forgotten bit of old history which no longer matters. I have to accept that either he now sees our shared life as a mistake or that he thinks it was a different him and not who he is now or wants to be.
I think when he calls I'm going to have to say to him that the financial stuff is going to be a stumbling block. We can either try to talk about next week and understand each other's POV, or it will all be delayed for a few weeks and we'll have to spend more money letting the L's duke it out. Or go to Court. Sigh. It would have been easier if he'd just said ok. The money can't make good what I've lost but he chose to create this chaos for us.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I need to do the final bit of letting go, don't I? To absolutely accept that the person who loved me stopped loving me and wants a life without my face in it. To trust God that, even though it hurts, I deserve a person who loves me without reservation and who sees me as a joy and a blessing.
I guess it's just hard because I honestly believed that was what I had for a very long time, and I thought that kind of love was worth ignoring the age difference.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
The irony (does God have a weird SOH do you think?) is that 20 long months after this nightmare started, my STBXH got to the point where he began to be capable of talking.
And now 22 months after it all began, now that he can talk like a rational person and wants to talk, all there is left in the rubble of our life to talk about is money, possessions and the last bit of paper in our divorce. Because he spent 20 months destroying everything.
And divorce is still his only option. It feels so unfair that he couldn't talk when he had his breakdown and give us a chance to try. And now he can talk, he doesn't want to give us a chance to try. I feel suckered by a really s**t Catch 22.
I suppose God would say that, because he does the whole God thing, he knows stuff I don't. That maybe he is getting rid of someone who is still unwell and not capable of loving me properly. Or maybe he's saving me from further pain and damage. But he obviously things this is the best route...I just wish I could get a preview of the next chapter because this one has broken my heart.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Treausr, it reminds me of this email I sent to my H almost a year ago. Like yours, I think mine asked him to stop what he was doing without ever actually telling him what you want. My response, "What do you want Own?"
It is my fervent hope that you will awaken from the heady fog in which you find yourself and reevaluate all that is at stake.
We've spent our lives in a shared mission for the pursuit of excellence and have achieved much together for ourselves and our children. To abandon that journey at this critical juncture is to endanger the legacy of that life's work.
As I hear the latest news of XXXs imminent demise, I am reminded of the ephemeral nature of any institution that fails to properly value its membership. It is often true that the thing which appears to be shiny and new lacks the staying power and dependability of the tried and true. Quality endures long after novelty is gone.
I'm sure that like me you want our childrens' biography to be one of dedicated parenting paving the way for success rather than scandal for public consumption, or worse yet another tale of what might have been.
I often wonder what each of us could have accomplished had we had the type of parents who put our needs first rather than slavishly giving in to the same dysfunctions which plagued the generations before us.
I do know that it is hollow to strive to become a pillar of your community when your own home is broken and you have made no effort to fix it. Personal victories are meaningless when they come at the expense of others.
I'm heartbroken at the time we have all already lost, by the exciting news you have not yet heard, and the joys and sorrows you will not experience in the coming days. I ache for the missed connections and the lost opportunities.
On the 50/50 split issue. A hard thing to do, separate yourself from the wrongness of the situation, and ask yourself if you litigated what you would get. What does your lawyer tell you?
If the law there is likely going to resolve it with a 60/40 split but you spend thousands getting there, is that a worthwhile fight? If your lawyer advises that you are entitled to a disproportionate share, then that is one thing.
How long do you want to drag yourself along in this journey. I know I'm not one to talk so consider that in what I say, but you spend an awful lot of time worrying about what he thinks of you and your life together and do a lot of mindreading for the worst possible scenarios.
I doubt he is coming out of his fog. If he is, I doubt he sees his marriage to you as a big mistake. My guess, he is still running and getting this divorce is just the next attempt at making the emptiness go away because nothing else is working.
Treasur, you are a class act and no sane guy would let you go. That much is apparent for your writings here. He's sick. He's not your H. Let him go. Spend that time walking those beautiful shores, looking at sunsets and focusing that precious time on you.
