I really think that the WS did not just have this crazy crises... I think they were probably pretty selfish or self absorbed to begin with, and once they no longer were benefiting from the relationship, or things were no longer easy for them they left and made a excuse, that justified doing so.
Yes, I think this is definitely the case with me. Looking back, I can recognise that selfish, self absorbed streak my STBXH had, right rom the very beginning.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
Thats the reason they usually leave after LBS went through some sort of crises (sickness, miscarriage, death or illness)
And that's what happened to me, I became ill. Three years later, in 2000, he started on the path that would lead to S (that took five years in all, before S. Five years of increasingly disrespectful behaviour).
Anyway...
Originally Posted By: JujuB
They were and are fair weather friends it just took some bad weather for us to fund out.
My son is awesome. I am so lucky to be his mother. We were driving around the other day and he saw those outdoor tree house play areas on sale in a lot and he was talking about how much he would love to have one. And i agreed and told him how much I wish i could buy one for him. And how much I wish I could afford a house for him and I to live in...One with secret passageways. and of course he agreed. But then he went and told me, "Its ok mom. We have a happy life together anyway".
I do not know what things would have been like had my ex not left. But right now, I have the best relationship with my son. And I would never want to trade our relationship for any thing. I have always put him first and always will.
Focus, there is just so much that the walkaways have in common. Sometimes it is so scary, how when I read another poster's situation on the forums, I can relate so well to what they are going through. Because the experiences are just so identical in so many ways. Is it just human nature, a unnatural and stressful society that is just not conducive to family life and marriage, or just a lot of f'd up people that marry other people on totally different wave lengths?
Marriages work when you get two people that are just plainly committed regardless of unhappy times. The problem is you cant identify who the truly committed are until they have been put to the chance. The 50% of people that stay married just got lucky in that they married someone like. I think there are a lot of people out there with addiction issues and they do some pretty bad damage as well. I knew My ex was an addictive personality type. Cigarettes, Food. I never thought it could be an indicator of what ended up happening though. In the future that's what I am going to be weary of.
So i need to make some changes to my life. It is a Saturday night, and I have no plans. Next week, I am going to put out an Online Dating profile. This way I will have something to look forward to, a reason to dress up and go out. I have to just do.
I sent out my resume last week for a second job. I got an immediate call back and went on an interview and was offered the job. It seems like a nice place to work, but i realized this weekend that I need a second job with more flexibility so I could accommodate my son's schedule better. I think I did well at this interview, because I have another job already. I do not need this job. And I have other options.
I have a lot of good things in my life 1. I have been offered jobs without trying. When I do send out my resume, I am pretty confident that I will get hired. I have great references, do well at my field, and have built up a nice back ground.
2. My son is doing great. I have taken him to some more specialists who completely disagree with the autism diagnosis. They all agree its adhd. Regardless, of the diagnosis as I posted above, son and I have a great relationship. And while he is challenging, he is just a great kid. Extremely bright in every single area, and funny, and energetic. He just gets into a lot of trouble. But not in that mean kid sort of way.
3. I have a really great family and I don't have to worry about struggling. I have choices because of this.
4. I think that once I put out my dating profile, I will do ok. Just like with the jobs. I will have choices. And that's because I do not really feel like I am desperate. Quite frankly, I could take or leave having a relationship. I am not dying for one right now, as I have not had great experiences with them. And i know that actually makes me more desirable to others. I am getting curious though and have been thinking up my profile.
I think I actually have a lot going for me, its just that I am my own worst enemy. I get bogged down with the obsessing and catastrophising, and I am missing out on life by continuing to do so!
Take your time It's seems rude, but don't reply to people you aren't interested in. I tried to very politely say I wasn't interested and encountered some very angry responses. Better to not say anything and let them think your profile just isn't active.
Don't start a relationship online - if after a few chats you're interested in meeting, arrange a short coffee date in a public place. A) that establishes that he's not catfishing you and less likely to be married. Also you can develop feelings in a lengthy online relationship and then find out there's no chemistry when you meet. Better to find out early.
Don't introduce your son to your dates. Just don't. It takes AT LEAST 6 months, maybe a year, before you can have a pretty good idea if this is likely to work out long term. Your son doesn't need to go through dating disappointments with you.
Read between the lines of their profiles. Get a girlfriends input - she may see red flags you're missing.
All that being said - I've actually had good luck with online dating. Just take your time.
I'm loving your outlook and how you see so many positives
Originally Posted By: JujuB
Marriages work when you get two people that are just plainly committed regardless of unhappy times. The problem is you cant identify who the truly committed are until they have been put to the chance. The 50% of people that stay married just got lucky in that they married someone like. I think there are a lot of people out there with addiction issues and they do some pretty bad damage as well. I knew My ex was an addictive personality type. Cigarettes, Food. I never thought it could be an indicator of what ended up happening though. In the future that's what I am going to be weary of.
And I totally agree with this!
Looking back, I remember also making a *thinking* choice when it came to my H and M. I mean, he came from a very stable background, and was very stable himself. I didn't see any red flags. He certainly lived life full on, but it was in a very life affirming and positive way.
I still don't understand what happened. Intellectually, yes, perhaps...I can get my head round it. But emotionally? I still feel in the dark.
No matter, it is what it is, and now and the future is where I need to be focusing my energies.
Re the dating, it sounds like a great idea. It *really* boosted my self esteem. Just getting ready, feeling good about how I felt in my own skin and looked as well, going out, and having a nice few hours with someone.
Now, with some of the dates I went on, there was an instant 'no chemistry' thing, but the important thing was how I felt in myself, for myself. And from that perspective it was a really positive experience.
Awesome list of things to be thankful for, JujuB! I can relate to the I'm my own worst enemy type thinking, it [censored], resist it. Keep thinking positive because that type of positivity is super attractive to most people. It's a good mindset to be in
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Ugh... i was feeling bad for my ex. Hes gaining a lot of weight, has this weird demeanor now..like someone that you woke up early in the morning, but is trying to sound like hes alert and awake. He doesnt look happy.
But then today i was going through my son's dresser to throw out clothes that no longer fit him and i found these oversized t shirts from expensive concerts and football games that ex was bringing back for son right around BD.
As if a t shirt from Rush, for a 4 year old would make up for an emotionally and financially neglectful dad!
It gave me a flashback. That motherf er was spending a ton of money while we were living with his in laws and he wasnt giving me child support. And then when he had to start paying he had the nerve to be resentful of it. (He still has that nerve) I still wonder about the expensive tapas restaurant he went to in the city 1 week after my surgery while pregnant. I dont wonder about with who, just the how the hell does someone not care about their pregnant wife and son?
I get a lot of these "flashbacks" based on how he treated us back then. And then I stew in anger.
Any tricks to not being consummed with rhose angry times or is it just a time thing?
I know the answer is to move forward. Make the best life i can for myself and appreciate the moments.
I wonder what it will be like to be in a relationship with an actual man.
I need to get myself out there, but still havent yet.
So a counselor I am seeing advised me that when I get really mad at something that happened, to allot myself 30 minutes to vent/research/obsess over. But if Im in a place where I cant do that, I need to find a way to get it out of my head. I am consciously aware of this challenge and am really going to try.
My recent trigger was remembering about my trip to the ER for kidney stones in the middle of the night. I was in agony. Worse pain then child birth. This was pre BD, but during a time when my ex was just being really really nasty and detached.
Anyway, when we went to the ER, it was pretty empty. They had a man transport me to get a CT. I remember being scared because there was absolutely no one else around and I was in a robe and feeling really vulnerable. The CT machine was in an area of the building that was completely empty and dark. And I was transported to another male technician. And I was a bit out of it because of the pain. (He did not do anything wrong and everything was fine. The entire staff was great). But here's the thing. My ex could have come with with me and he did not. He disappeared. I could tell then how little concern he had for me.
If that was my daughter, and she was in a position like that I would have made sure I was with her.
I really wish that I was the one that left him.
This hurts me still and I dont know why. Of course the person you are married to should feel concern about their wife's safety. He was not. And i am angry about that. But anger does not make sense as an emotion to feel that way. A smart emotion would be "good, now i have an opportunity to find someone that is capable of feeling something for someone that is tied to them"
And I think about how nice it would be to actually have a partner that genuinely worries and cares for my well being.
I know from reading all the stories on here, that most of you have experienced something similar and know the sting.
So I am going to include something positive in this post as well...
Sometimes I see these really nice families. Family dog, kids, house. The whole works and I get really jealous. (i never had any of that..even prior to BD) Then I get to know the moms a little bit, and guess what? They were single moms at one point! This happened twice this week!
I just have to put myself out there and I am excited about trying something that will be fun.
I completely understand where you are coming from. There are so many things my ex did that are similar where I said to myself I should have never married him, then I should have left. My mother had a few suicide attempts before she succeeded. The one that landed her in the rehab where she finally did succeed she was pretty bad off. She called me telling me she took a whole bunch of insulin and Xanax, I called the cops and they transported her to the hospital. I got home from work and begged ex to drive me to to the hospital (about 2 hours away). he refused and said he was going out to the bar that night. So I went to the bar with him instead. Well, whens he was released ot the hospital to the facility I took a 3 hour trek to see her..... that was the last time I ever saw her, she killed herself a few days later. If I didn't go to see her, I would have never seen her again. I live with guilt for choosing my ex instead of my mom. At her wake (it was all I did, no burial) he left early because all his friends were coming over for a BBQ. He should have never left my side. But he was always #1.
When I was bleeding at 20 weeks of my pregnancy I freaked. I was bleeding when we were going to bed. After to all we had been to, I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. He complained because he had to get up for work in the morning. He came, but gave me crap about it. The night he met OWW he was out with friends and said he would be home from by 12, the latest the train came in. 2am, he couldn't be reached and he never came home. I drove a half hour to the train station, called his sister, everything. He strolls in at 5am telling me I was being dramatic and had the balls to me mad at ME for being mad at him. He said he fell asleep and left his phone on the table. 2 years later I found out the truth. We lived almost an hour awayf rom the hospital and I was in my 3rd trimester. He said "I will go out until you are 36 weeks". Well, he went out on 36 weeks, 4 days. I stayed at my dad's because I was scared. Well, I went into labor 3 days later and I realize where he had really been. I
These ran through my head for so long. I cringe at how pathetic I was to allow this. The anger used to be soooooo strong. These things still come in my head but now I realize how I am actually fortunate not to be with this degenerate anymore. I do promise you the anger lessens and the thoughts pop in less and less.
I have my dignity now. I feel like I had zero dignity back then. Now it is painful for me to look back on because I can't believe I actually let myself be treated that way. You are no longer allowing it. Please, take pride in that. You deserve a lot better and sometimes the better is what we give to ourselves.
I discovered so much from homecare and hospice. Seeing how people really live on the inside. How they come out on top when the cards were down. How maybe the perfect little house isn't so perfect after all. I began my hospice volunteering today and I enjoyed being around the patients again.
enjoy this journey, you'll learn so much! Be excited about it!
