You know, my exH never had any mixed feelings. Never temp checked, never tried anything with me, he was done. He used the D word the second he dropped the bomb and was gone that night. Your ex had drugs numbing things. Mine had an OW.
Your ex is so detached from HIMSELF which is why he can say "let's agree to disagree" He is in denial. He doesn't see any of this.
I think we can almost say somehow we were all "abused" and have trauma. My "trauma" has manifested itself in future relationships sadly enough and how I handle break ups. I fall apart because I feel like my ex is leaving me all over again. And this manifests depression. I don't really need to label it. I just need to learn how to deal and cope with it. My IC is helping me.
I think the key is to work on your depression. To focus as much as you can on your side of the street. I know how difficult that can be. I'm completely off my ex's side of the street. My anger builds up when I feel trapped and hopeless in my life due to decisions that he unilaterally made. But what choice is there? I got to just focus on me and how to deal with these feelings.
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It's tough to wrap your head around some of these things. My ex h never waivered either. Well, he wasn't excited about moving out because he was going to have to start paying for stuff. But he never told me he loved me or tried anything once he moved out. He did get angry when I dropped him as my husband of FB but he was with his gf by then. And that felt odd.
I think this alters us in a way that we can't fully comprehend. Doesn't mean we can't live a great life, love again or move forward. Just means..... we sometimes see things differently than before. And I think that is exceptionally difficult to really wrap your head around.
Try to do what ultimately feels best for you. You can't help him and you are only going around once on this planet in this format. Try to focus on what is going to make you happiest.
Hang in there!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Juju, I'm so sorry you are having these feelings. Fortunately, you are not alone with us here. Continue to vent and process.
I'm in the same boat- 2 years and not one tiny ounce of hesitation or remorse. Not one tiny minuscule. Zero temp checks. Nada.
It boggles my mind, too and I often think... Was any of it real? Did I mean that little to him? Three months after our separation, I was in his presence when I got word of a family member passing. I collapsed to the floor sobbing and it was as if I was by myself. No condolences, no hand on the shoulder. He didn't even offer me a chair. Stone cold. Regardless of any lack of compassion towards me, It was his relative, too and he showed nothing! I'm just thinking about it and I'm crying.
My ex had some serious vices with money as well. And it didnt come out until the disclosure phase of the divorce. I Don't know about you, but I am disgusted by my ex and his dishonesty. I know I'm better off, but it doesn't make it easier.
Hugs to you. You'll get through it. It's rough, but you'll rise again. I know it.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I know everyone says to make the focus about us and how we are going to move forward. And I get it totally. That where I need to be.
But I just want to understand so badly about spouses like ours, that are able to be so emotionally disconnected. I mean, we are talking about spouses that shared our lives with us, had children together, grew up together! I want to understand the psychology behind it. Was it something that I just missed while dating? The drugs?
Knowing is part of the puzzle for me. It teaches me what to avoid. Helps me understand what I truly need to address and what was manifested by my ex for whatever his purposes were.
Pax, you are doing great with focusing on you and your exercise goals. Congratulations! I need to follow your example.
Are you discovering some vices similar to my ex's that your ex was trying to hide?
I am so disgusted by my ex and his dishonesty. I am better off. He is not capable of any type of real relationship. Just smoke and mirrors and it is just so DISTURBING for me to realize I was living a lie. I was so unhappy for so long and just never understood. I tried to rationalize with him. I would get mad and argue. I had absolutely no control.
Why did I not recognize it for what it was? That is so disturbing to me.
But I just want to understand so badly about spouses like ours, that are able to be so emotionally disconnected. I mean, we are talking about spouses that shared our lives with us, had children together, grew up together! I want to understand the psychology behind it. Was it something that I just missed while dating? The drugs?
Very simple. The WAS no longer 'feels' warm fuzzy feelings towards the LBS. They follow their feelings. Sometimes they have the desire to inflict pain in an attempt at revenge for their pain. Sometimes they just want to chase the dragon of a new relationship or something they think is better for them. And unfortunately in today's age we believe in 'following your heart' which can easily be taken to a destructive extreme. So as long as WAH looks at his feelings as his moral compass and he doesn't feel bad behaving badly, he believes it's ok because it doesn't feel bad to him. And if only you had been different he would feel different and wouldn't act how he's acting. Or whatever. This is why I don't like feelings as a compass.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Ms Juju! Thanks for those kind words. I'm using this awful experience to become the best woman I can possibly be. The goal is to be better, not bitter, right? Let our pathetic ex's rot while we blossom. Ok, that was unnecessary of me... But it's kind of true.
For the sake of anonymity, I can't disclose too much about the legal side of my d, but I promise you it would make your head spin. Maybe when my d is final, I will share a bit more in addition to what I've eluded to, but it's NASTY.
Enough about me. To answer your question, "why didn't I recognize it for what it was?" Because you loved him and you believed he would never betray you. Period. But love is blind and you got burned. Absolutely nothing you can do about it now. Nothing except take care of you and s.
I get it, Juju. I really do. I guess unlike you, there were clear cut signs in my sitch. I saw how nasty and vindictive ex was/is, but I was stupid and never believed he could do it to me. I watched him make enemy after enemy and I felt bad that people just didn't understand him...... But now I'm on the other side of the coin and its absolute hell. This guy will stop at nothing.
Juju, you can do this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You are stronger than you think and you'll continue to get stronger. You have a long, full, life ahead of you and you have the power to make it a great one. Don't let this nonsense hold you back.
Take care of yourself. Again, I get it. Don't want to be harsh. He's just not worth your rumination.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Very good insight zues. I think it's beyond that though with many of our spouses. I know we never want to ignore our own issues and start handing out diagnoses'. But it gets to the point that when it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...it generally is one.
A lot of the walkaways on here are narcissists and abusers.
A lot of us are in denial and blame ourselves in the name of personal growth. Which just feeds abuse, because that's how it thrives...with denial and self blame.
I think the walking away from your heavily pregnant wife, because you want to go party with your friends and hang out with another woman should be 0.
I think that the abandoning your wife and child without child support after you spent all your income on drugs while you and your family lived off the in laws rate should be 0.
I think the adopting 5 children and then leaving the country and kids because you dont get your way rate should be 0.
To me, these actions are synonymous to divorce. They are not legally and technically a divorce. But in the true meaning they are.
