Is me not pursuing more from him, further enabling? A disservice to my son?
THIS.
yes^^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm sorry you are struggling and I absolutely agree with Ellie and 25. And maybe I'm missing something, but how can not pursuing your STBX financially give your son better memories with his Dad?
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
"he does not have to hate you (but he may right now) to justify theft to "protect HIS MONEY"...He rationalizes or hides from far more than you realize. Please protect yourself and your son"
We always kept our bank accounts, credit cards everything separate for the most part. So he does not view it as stealing. He views it as "mine". I was always the saver and it made no sense that I had more then him since I went down to part time to watch son. He earned 2/3 my salary.
We moved in with my parents for a year. I thought it was to save money for a home. But really he had hidden credit card debt (i am not responsible for it)
After I retained attorneys (and was told how important they were and how much i needed them to protect me in lieu of mediation) , I was told by lawyers that everything was too expensive to fight for, no real guarantee either and would leave us both with little. I was told that he was most likely a bad spender and that all that money could not be recouped. That is until I researched these withdrawals (lawyers did not even look at the statements or even tell me that they had them until recently. Im the one that went thought them). Now I am not 100% sure anymore. I was in shock and more worried at the time over the safety issues regarding possible addiction.
He has no money. It is gone. A judge might enforce that ex pay me back some of it as it was unexplained depletion of marital assets. But no guarantee. I could spend a lot in legal fees, for judge to rule in ex's favor. Also, if he loses his job or spirals further downward (seems typical with an addict) I will get nothing and be out of those legal fees. Where I live the lawyers charge 400 to 500 dollars/hour. Every 5 minute email is charged as 15 minutes and costs me a fortune. It seems like they get paid just to scratch their head and think. Its crazy.
So yes. He is wrong. He should be paying us back that money. But I am seeing that with cases like mine, it becomes a matter of lawyers literally telling me they cant do much to help me because their fees are too high. That if we were talking millions, it would be worth it.
I am honestly glad that we are no longer married. I am glad that he was the one to leave. I have no guilt and will not struggle the way many spouses of addicts will. I have a chance at a real relationship with someone. My son will not grow up observing a really unhealthy dynamic.
But I'm still feeling deeply traumatized by it all. The way he left, the whole legal process, and the secret life he lived, and whether son will be safe in the future.
If I had good reason to believe he would be capable of working and maintaining his salary for the next 15 years it might be worth it. Perhaps what I really need is an actuary instead of an attorney.
And like I said, emotionally I really do feel bad. Its hard to come to terms with the idea that the person I basically grew up with has turned into a monster. His actions are those of an enemy and mine should be as well. But he is also someone I loved and that I know has a disease that changed his brain function. Yet Im the single mom living with my parents in a region I cant afford and cant move away from because of the custody implications. Theres just no good answer.
I dont know if I am playing devils advocate because thats a way to avoid conflict for me (same as when I had to take him to court for child support) or if what I am writing makes practical sense.
Thanks for hashing this one out with me guys. You dont know how much I appreciate it.
I think that deep down you know what to do. Do you want to get some of the money back knowing that it's going to be costly for you (and with no garantee) or do you move forward and plan sensibly using what you have?
I understand how hard it must feel for you but remember that you have managed to cope so far and that shows how strong you are.
I'm climbing out of my slump. I just wrote an email to attorney regarding necessary changes to opposing counsels proposed decree. I am asking what else has not been disclosed. I am trying to separate this portion as pure business. Someone told me that 95% of time judges will go by law, and that is all I want. At this point it is too expensive to switch attorneys so I just need to be part of this more.
I am making appointments with my hypnotherapist who I really trust and relate to and i have an appointment with a counselor/social worker next week who has experience with addiction.
I am and have been obsessed with ex's addiction, googling Whether addicts can be remorseful, reading forums for drug users, trying to see if ex is a narcissist or addict.
But I have just as dangerous of an addiction, and that's the way I am not moving on with my own life. I need to start a second job, I need to stop procrastinating, I need to get better organized, I need to get my power back.
My hypnotherapist told me that while yes I have been victimized that she does not want for me to become a victim. That I need to move forward and regain my power. And I realize how with my situation, I do come across as not the strongest woman.
I went to one alanon meeting and met a woman that just came across as sone one severely abused by her husband. She had taken him back and you could just read her body and language as someone without power and control. I never want to be how she is.
This has hit hard. I have been feeling very depressed. Son is with father, and I literally did not leave my room yesterday. Even acute BD, I was getting out, going shopping, exercising. But right now, I have been in a really bad mood. All I want to do is sleep and escape.
I might need ADs, but I do not know any MDs that I would trust and I am afraid of medication. I do have an appt with a counselor for next week though.
I am relating to the main character from Rosemarys Baby. Everyone around me acting like things are normal, when really there was this major threat. And that's what I feel like. Ex's mom refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue. Ex was and is so damned secretive. And he continues to act like everything is normal. If I did not share a son with him, it would be different. I would never have to deal with him. But this is scary. Addiction is scary. It is dark and dirty and dangerous.
I have been reading a pretty well known drug forum, and that world is just so scary. Its hard to discover my ex is part of it and was leading this double life for so long. And I never ever want my son to be part of it either.
I feel like there is just too many people I have to deal with that are dark and manipulative and liars and codependents. The lawyers, my ex, and his mom. I just want that all gone.
I am glad to be away from ex. I know now what I was up against. I know why I was always so frustrated. I know that he was empty and selfish and could never be a real partner to someone. It was this frustrating battle where I was always trying to just get him to be a partner to me. I did not know why he couldnt and now I know.
I should have been the one to have left him. Many spouses of addicts at least have the knowledge of their spouses addiction. My spouse was so secretive and I feel manipulated and lied to. He made it out like he had this demanding job so that he could "provide" I deserved to know so that I could make the choice. The financial duplicity is revolting.
I dont know how to get over this. The only good thing, is that he is taking the minimum visitation. There are no custody battles. I have to remember that.
I just wanted to say I am so sorry for the depression you are going through. I know how much it stinks. But right now I think you are reeling over the shock of something. It's like a betrayal all over again. But I know you will get through this.
I would continue perhaps with the alanon meetings. Just to help understand you are aren't alone. I always thought about going to one and I never did.
I know the temptation of all the research. I know you are looking for something, anything, to give you comfort. But I think the best place to find it might be in those who have gone something similar.
I'm thinking of you and praying for you (to some god or another:)
Thanks ginger, I went to 1 alanon meeting and didn't love it. I know I'm supposed to give them more then 1 chance. But there were some seriously messed up people in this meeting I went to and it kind of turned me off. (One guy left and told everyone to F off because he was talking and his time was up, and many of the people there were former addicts themselves. ) It felt a bit cultish to me. Lots of rules and reading out passages together which I don't seem to have the attention span for.
I think at this point, I need one on one or maybe a small informal group of people that have been through something like this.
No one but me and my family seems to even recognize that there is a problem and that scares me.
I read some of newcomers and many of the walkaways have mixed feelings. They do temperature taking. They come back and sleep together. They come back and leave again. My ex was never ever like that. He just wanted out. It is scary how one could emotionally detach himself so easily from me. He made it out like it was all me. He argued every valid point I brought up and then blamed our failed marriage on those arguments. He was so blatantly wrong about things, yet denied and continues to and it's like I'm arguing with a mad man that comes across as valid and put together. This affects me so much and I know I just have to walk away and say, "hey I'm dealing with someone that's not all there"
But I also doubt myself because he comes across as so cool and in control. And like the perfect divorce buster. "Let's agree to disagree" . No there's no disagreement. He's wrong!!!!! The financials reveal everything. What other proof do I need?
I want to move on. I can't wait to be at the point when I am on these forums discussing my dating life with you guys! It's been 2 years already. I should be past this.
Vanilla wrote something about this not being depression but trauma from an abusive situation. The covertness of it all is a huge mind f. But he does not want anything from me. He is uninvolved. He just wants the divorce over and done with and wants to give as little as the law allows. He is not trying to control how I raise son. Or anything for that matter. He just wants to be left alone. So is it really abuse ? Is it me?
