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#2752854 - 07/24/17 02:22 PM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: Treasur]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
Originally Posted By: Treasur
Juju - I spent some time and hard emotional work on powerlessness last year. And fear which is really the root of it. At the time, I felt attacked from all sides by the huge impact of things completely outside my control...the financial & legal impact of not having a power of attorney for my mother with dementia, my H's endless trickle shocks of WTF, surgery for cancer and divorce papers dropping through the letterbox. Everything felt unmanageable and destructive.

Here's where my thoughts took me, if it helps. First of all, as humans we comfort ourselves by living as if we know for sure that B follows A. The truth is none of us know what will happen next but it is hard to live with the honesty of uncertainty, even though it's the truth. As a reformed fixer too, it is really uncomfortable for me to see how little control I have over things that have such a big impact on my life. Then I read a quote, something along the lines of 'If a problem doesn't have a solution you can make, it isn't a problem, just a truth that needs to be accepted'.

So then I set myself three challenges. One was to be really honest about my fears. Hard to do but it gave me a sort of fear priority list, a top two or three. The other was to be really tough-minded about what I could do particularly in those situations where it felt like every option was a lousy one. Even if it was small or far from perfect. The third was to think what would make me FEEL more powerful, even when my choices were limited.

For me, that was the game changer. It might be different for you, but for me, my power was about choosing to not let the situation drive me away from who I am and the reality of my own history. I can't stop my H creating an expensive legal mess through his own choices, but I can choose to be pragmatic about it and give myself time to think before I act. I can't change that I was left with the rubble of 20 years of our life, and 50 years of my parents, while everyone else 'ran away', but I can choose how I invest time and energy in it. So, for instance, I decided to leave our old house while it was still up for sale and rent a new place by the sea. Not the smartest financial choice, and I'd assumed at first I couldn't, but staying in the old house was killing me mentally...I can't tell you how liberating it was to make that choice for myself.

It is a natural human reaction to trauma that you want to run, for this to be over with. You said two things that struck me; "I don't even know what to ask for." and "It doesn't make sense for me to be fearful." That's probably the key...take a deep breath and muse on what you need and want, and what the fear is really about.

Hope that helps xxx


Thank you treasure.

I am trying to figure out What the fear is really about. Does any one have any ideas? I will bring it up to my counselor tomorrow.

My anxiety over how my lawyers have billed me has me waking up in the middle of the night and in early morning. I get really upset and think horrible thoughts about myself. I feel really traumatized. Like I see her name on emails and my heart will race and I get a sickening feeling in my gut.

I don't understand why I am taking this so badly. I understand logically that there are worse things in life. People lose children. People get afflicted with horrible diseases. I have patients that made similar errors when trusting certain surgeons only to later need revisions. It is hard to make the right choices when you do not know the ins and outs of the system.

In reality, they probably will end up ripping me off about 8 grand. A standard divorce here would cost about 10 grand for something simple like mine if you don't mediate.

Is 8 grand that much to work me up and make me feel miserable?


Now the things I can do...

First I realize have to pay everything in full or they won't mail out the decrees to the court house. I have a copy of 1 of the decrees. But I think ex's lawyer would have to redo them??

Would ex's lawyer help? Since he really wants the divorce to occur? I don't know.

Confused about this.

These seem to be my options.

1. Bring forth my concerns with attorney and they will probably take off a max of 2 grand. They will be really mad and will deny or pretend i dont have a case when I show them the technicality in the retainer. I would have to do this after they submit to the court.

This is not enough for me. Considering the technical mistake they made in the retainor that might legally make them take about 8 grand off. (Who knows)

I can insist on 5 grand taken off and see what they say.

2. Go to arbitration. This does not hurt me at all. It makes it so that i cannot go after them for malpractice though. It will be unpleasant. But I have nothing to lose. It costs me nothing. The attorneys might even just reimburse so they don't have to waste their time reviewing and then going through with it when there's a chance they will lose.

3. Speak with a consumer rights attorney. I am really mad about how they took advantage (there were times when I was being billed at 900 dollars an hour because the 400 dollar an hour lawyer was consulting with the 500 dollar an hour attorney. Or because they both talked to me on the telephone or sat in on a meeting with me. I was billed on 1 incident for faxing 15 minutes at a rate of 400 dollars per hour) to me this is gross and I want an example set. I dont want this to happen to other peopke that are vulnerable.

I would never take advantage of people this way so I didn't know what to look for. I usually Under bill and will work through breaks and lunch to give patients that need a little more extra.

Who knows. Maybe in my past life I screwed over a lot of people.


Any advice? Any body deal with attorneys?
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2752962 - 07/25/17 02:00 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
I have a hard time coping with loss as well. I stayed in a truly abusive relationship in college that I was miserable in because breaking up would feel like too much of a loss. I remember actually wishing I could find out he was cheating so it would give me the power to leave (he was)

With my ex, he was not abusive but I don't believe he was the right match for me. I did not have much experience with men, and once I bonded I never wanted to lose him no matter how difficult of a time we had getting along. He was family to me. He wasn't abusive, but he was leading a secret life and not truly a partner..perhaos because of drugs.

So I do think i understand how hard it is for you to deal with loss. And even being able to have that power to end something that is not good for you despite the loss.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2753031 - 07/25/17 06:34 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
(My above post was supposed to go on gingers thread. That's why it doesn't make sense!)


On a side note, I went to an IC and we talked about the situation. I decided that to put the anxiety behind me, I will pay the bills so the attorney will send out my paperwork and then discuss and arbitrate within the BAR. I have plenty of time to prepare for that, and by paying the bills I will be in control and have nothing to lose. As opposed to having someone come after me for money.

She validated me by saying that I felt victimized greatly by ex who Who I had every right to trust and was lying about money and that now I am feeling victimized by my lawyers who were supposed to be my advocates, and rightfully so.

She did say I have to stop obsessing, by giving my self only 30 minutes a day tro think about the topic. That way, I am not ignoring it, but consummed by it. I have to train myself to be able to push those thoughts away and focus on something else when they enter my mind.

I feel better and more productive already.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2756244 - 08/12/17 02:47 PM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
So in life I know how the wheels can turn. How one year someone might be getting promotions, and then the next year they are fired. I know this. But I am feeling kind of hopeless about my situation.

I spoke to my counselor about this and she suggested that each day I reflect on 3 things I am happy for. These 3 things tend to be the same. 1. The health of me and my son 2. That I have son and for the most part, have most of custody 3. I have a profession and job that I like.

But at the same time, I am having trouble not comparing my life to others that have things so much easier. My SIL who has a beautiful home, loyal husband, organization. They have 2 play rooms for their children! And I am crammed in with living with my parents. I was at a party of theirs today and while I am so happy for them, I also felt sad for my son and I. There were all these couples there, that were pregnant with their 2nd children. The dads were involved and helping to watch the little ones. They were all building futures together. And I compare myself to these other women. To see, what is it about me that left me in this position. Some of them are horrible naggers, one of them is unfaithful. They are not extremely beautiful, successful fit, wealthy, or even educated women. Yet they have so much more. And here I am a homeless, single mother. I feel frustrated because I always did the right thing. Good grades, a career and education before getting married or having a child, Once married I saved, was loyal, and put my family before myself at all times.

I am not sure about the realities of starting a life with another person. I wonder why would someone want to commit or form a partnership or union with me when we each have own families to take care of. Why would another man invest in me? Financially he would lose. The father of my child who I spent my entire youth with left. Would there seriously be other men our there looking to commit? I think many men my age like relationships but on terms that include separate residences, finances, and an easy way out. So that the moment things get real they can bail. Do we miss out on something, when people and relationships are disposable?

I feel like I made a bad choice in a partner. He was so smart but really ended up being a horrible provider for us. He earned so much more then many of these couples at this party. We could have had a home for my son. Organization for my son. Play dates for my son, which he so desperately craves. He is just a big F up. or a greedy and selfish man and I really wish I had recognized this earlier. I do not know why he bothered to get married and have a family.


Now I know how bratty and entitled I am coming across in this post. But I am going to post it anyway. My ex has been able to walk away and have an easy life. He can convince himself that he is a great dad because he pays child support and sees his son every other weekend (and just recently 2 hours once a week) and meanwhile I am not allowed to move somewhere that I can actually afford. I know too that life is not fair, and it can get a lot worse. But it also can and should be better.

Maybe the cynics in life are actually the optimists or idealists, because they see the potential for the way things should be and get down when they are not. And those at peace, are just accepting of some pretty crazy and illogical BS.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2756260 - 08/12/17 07:44 PM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
Treasur Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/16
Posts: 581
Loc: UK
Ah, juju, the lure of 'FB' like assumptions...the one thing we learn here is that real life is rarely as it looks from the outside-in. You have no idea of the reality of other people's Ms or lives or even if your H has a life that feels 'easy' to him. You can't know.

Some of your post is about 'easiness' of life. Some about regret or blaming yourself. Some about the feeling of unfairness, that being 'good' didn't give you the outcome you thought it would and that you think it won't in future either. Part of the process of acceptance seems to be about wrestling with some of this stuff too, doesn't it, even though we initially think it's about accepting the sitch? With our own beliefs and values. Forgiving ourselves just as we tussle with forgiving our spouses.

What would make life feel easier, juju? What would make you feel like you are living a juju life that others would wish they had too? How can you forgive yourself for the things you wish you had done differently? Being human and all that...part of the process, part of making peace with ourselves I guess.
_________________________
Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17


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#2756352 - 08/14/17 02:20 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: Treasur]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
Money or a more affordable area to live would make my life easier!!!

Ive come to terms with the no chance of reconciliation with ex a while ago. And im at peace with that. (Its a huge place to be though and I recognize that when i read the struggles of many posters on new comers)

Truth is, i need to move forward and for some reason i am stuck. I have my resume all prepared and some 2nd job opportunities, but im scared. I have a profile all ready written in my mind for online dating, but im scared.

I keep preparing but not executing because i dont feel prepared enough. And i have to just plung into that pool already.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2756355 - 08/14/17 02:37 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
So i have been talking to a walkaway wife. And the way they think about their ex's and about life in general shows me that the LBS really has no choice but to detach and move forward.

This woman talks about how she no longer loves her ex. He is still trying to get back with her. She has so much anger for him. And he annoys her so much. She really really just finds him annoying. But The way she is with the other moms, and her new boyfriend, and even the teachers is just so unbelievably selfish i feel like im watching a movie with her as this crazy caricature in which the viewers think..."this is ridiculous. People arent really that bad"

The only way her ex would win her back is if he became a bit more successful and was seriously interested in another woman (not just a fling). But why would you want someone back that only wants you at your best?

I really think that the WS did not just have this crazy crises... I think they were probably pretty selfish or self absorbed to begin with, and once they no longer were benefiting from the relationship, or things were no longer easy for them they left and made a excuse, that justified doing so. Thats the reason they usually leave after LBS went through some sort of crises (sickness, miscarriage, death or illness)

They were and are fair weather friends it just took some bad weather for us to fund out.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2757281 - 08/21/17 05:15 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
JujuB Offline
Member

Registered: 02/16/16
Posts: 797
My son and I have a really wonderful relationship. For the most part he is ok with our divorce. In the beginning, the transitions were difficult for him. But other then that he is actually fine.

I think its because his father was not around much before he left, so there really was not this huge difference for him when he actually did leave. He also gets tons of attention from my parents as well.

A while ago, I asked him if he was upset and he said "no because now when I go to grandmas, dad is there too and i get to see him"

He was also asking me if I could find a new daddy so that he could have a daddy he could live with. He said that he would let this daddy kiss him but only when hes not a stranger anymore.

Last night he was telling me that he thinks daddy still loves me a little but just didnt want to be married to me. He was telling me how badly he wanted a brother and my heart was breaking. I told him I could not because there was no daddy. And then he asked why I did not make a brother for him before his daddy split (I dont know where he heard the word "split" from). I just told him I would have liked a brother or sister but we could not. And then he got upset and was saying "I just hate that daddy made such a stupid choice"

So I just told him that this is all adult stuff and all he has to know is that both his mommy and daddy love him.

I am devastated because I wanted another child so badly. I signed up for a life with ex and he just wasted my time.

I really hate him in a true repulsion sort of way, and do not think I will ever forgive him. Most of the time, i am even repulsed my his mother as well.

In fact, I hate most of the walkaways I read about. I long to read stories about LBS moving on happier and walkaways filled with depression and regret. I truly want them to suffer.
_________________________
M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer

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#2757296 - 08/21/17 06:36 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: JujuB]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 13290
Quote:
He was also asking me if I could find a new daddy so that he could have a daddy he could live with. He said that he would let this daddy kiss him but only when hes not a stranger anymore.


Aww, this breaks my heart. What a sweet boy you have.

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#2757809 - 08/24/17 03:43 AM Re: God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves [Re: kml]
Ginger1 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/14/15
Posts: 1785
JuJU,

One of the most beautiful things that has come out of this hell for the both of us is the unique loving relationships we have with our kiddos. The relationship we have is so very different form others, it's hard to explain to anyone not in our position. Raising a single child alone form birth forms a very unique bond and it is such a gift.
I hear you on the mourning of another child. It's probably one of the things I really have a hard time forgiving my ex for. My daughter would have made the bestest big sister ever! She still wants me to have another kid. She tells me I could still have one without a daddy. I told her mommy cannot financially afford one with out a daddy. Which is true.

Your son is soooooo fortunate to have you. Even though his dad is who he is, he has you and he knows it. And when you are ready to bring another guy into your lives, you can tell he will be beyond happy for you and beyond happy for himself.

All good things are coming.

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