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mxdup Offline OP
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So the W has finally started to lighten up a bit and talked to me about how she's been feeling. She says that I smother her and that she needs her independence. She says she feels like I'm in every room of the house and she can't have time to herself. Then she goes on to say that she doesn't believe I love her. If I loved her I would know what she needs. I'm very confused on how to 180 this situation.

Do I give her more space than she needs? How do I show her I love her if I'm not around? FWIW my counselor has also told me that I am too codependent on her and that's likely driving her away. I have done more things this summer away from her than ever but apparently that's still not enough. Won't she just find someone else while I'm out GAL?


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Mxdup,

My wife told me the same thing about a month ago. I took a while for me to detach and fir her to see me distancing.

My wife also told me, if I loved her I would of bent and figured out the problems I was causing. Guess what I didn't. So it's time to forgive yourself and move forward. You cant fix what you dont know atthise moments. It's time to move forward and upward.

Don't worry about AM. If You are doing what you need to do, she will notice.

So my wife said she felt smothered and she said I was following her around the house and she felt like she was a caged animal.

At that point, I said for get. I told myself. I'm going to give her all the space she needs. So starting almost 3 weeks ago, I went to meetup.com, found a meetup with some cool people. I came home after work got dressed and left.

That very weekend I went up to Austin and went ziplinning(fun as he'll by the way). The next week I was out the house on Monday and Wednesday night. The next week I was out the house Tuesday ( this was a meetup.com hike, I burned over 900 calories and met some more cool people. The leader of the meetup was a pastor and gave me great advice. GOD work in Mysterious ways) and Wednesday night. On the days we were home together, if she was upstiars I was downstairs and vice versa.

Oh I go to church by myself every Sunday, taking the boys this Sunday. The events I didnt give a discription about are church events.

Now back to my wife, by time I was gling up to Austin she thought I we going with another women. Now she's calling and texting. Calling my name in the house. A month ago none of this was happening. I told her yesterday, that I have plans for two upcoming weekend. I dont tell her what I'm doing. I just tell her I'm going out and when I will be back. In confused on not telling her my whereabouts, especially if she ask. She asked yesterday, where I'm going on one of those weekends I tokd her Dallas, but I didnt tell her why.

All can say, is to me some of her walls has came down.

Oh by the way, those two weekends, I'm going bungee jumping and skydiving.

Become mysterious, attractive and confident.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Oh hate typing this up on my phone, and I hate we cant edit.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Posts: 1,132
I also wanted to tell you that I'm doing landscaping around the house. It keeps me outside while at home.

And all these GAL events makes you less available. Which makes W ask herself questions about what and where are you going and doing. Makes her curious. And you seem less needy.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Posts: 51
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mxdup Offline OP
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A few days ago she finally (after months) told me just how I had hurt her. She claims that it was all financially. She claims that I judge all of her spending all while I buy anything I want and that she must work multiple jobs so that I don't hold anything over her head. She also mentioned that I make financial demands of her even though I know she is working as hard as she can. Am I guilty of this activity? Yes and I even verified it with my best friend. Once verified, I apologized to her. She started crying and said that it doesn't matter and that nothing will change.

Since then two things seem to be occurring: 1) The W has started to get curious about what I'm up to. Last night she made the comment that I always seem to be busy. 2) She has exchanged her anger for hurting. I've caught her crying numerous times all by herself and she has cried in front of me twice. When I asked her about the crying she just said that it's too late and she's been hurting for too long. What I would give to heal that hurt!


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
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hmmmm...

Sounds like the financial stuff she mentioned is something you agree with. Is all of it true? I am guessing you have joint accounts? Can you both get separate accounts so that she can have some financial independence and not worry that you're checking up on her spending all the time? You can obviously stop being controlling financially and not guilting her and stuff like that, but if there are separate accounts, she might actually feel that the pressure from you can truly come off.

I feel like she just needs time and space - lots of it. And you need lots of GAL. When she's crying and you're talking to her, are you validating?

I know you want to heal all that hurt, but you can't rescue her right now.


No one is coming to save you!

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mxdup Offline OP
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I don't know if all of the financial stuff is true but certainly some of it is. I did not validate her when she first told me. I simply said if that's true then I'm wrong and I need to change. After I talked to my buddy, I apologized to her and validated her concerns. We have always had separate accounts and a joint. As of 3 years ago when we decided she should go back to school, I took over all the household bills. Within a week she said that she needed some spending money of her own as she felt like she was living off of me. We then tried giving her an "allowance" but she said that made her feel controlled. Within a month she started working one day a week and began keeping that as spending money. Fast forward a few years and she was working 3 jobs and saying that she had no time for school work. As of today she is working 2 jobs, paying her car payment and a personal credit card, I pay for everything else. What I didn't know until earlier this week was that the multiple jobs and paying for her own car was because she felt as if she was under my thumb. For the past year or so I have been asking/telling her to quit these jobs and focus on school as she keeps saying she is behind in school. I could never figure out why she didn't just quit. This recent puzzle piece actually makes total sense.

She keeps saying that she needs time to think and that she can't think in our house. I'm guessing she feels guilty living in the home I pay for while deciding whether or not she wants to be with me.

I really do feel guilty now that I know what's been bothering her and that I am likely the cause of this frustration for her. I've apologized and I can tell that they are only words to her. She needs to see some action/validation but I'm not sure how to do that.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
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Some clarifications:

Quote:
Within a week she said that she needed some spending money of her own as she felt like she was living off of me. We then tried giving her an "allowance" but she said that made her feel controlled.


Why was she getting an allowance? Did she not have access to the joint account? It does seem kinda weird that a spouse has to have an allowance.

Quote:
Within a month she started working one day a week and began keeping that as spending money. Fast forward a few years and she was working 3 jobs and saying that she had no time for school work. As of today she is working 2 jobs, paying her car payment and a personal credit card,


I don't get this 'spending money' part. Did she do this because she didn't access to your joint funds or was she spending money for things you didn't approve of and wanted to keep those purchases to herself?

I am trying to get an understanding of how you managed finances as a couple. How did you react to her spending money from her own account?


No one is coming to save you!

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mxdup Offline OP
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We really don't manage our finances as a couple. I earn 5x what she does and I pay all of the bills except for her car payment and whatever she runs up on her personal credit cards from buying clothes etc.

She had and still has access to the joint account funds (which she hasn't contributed to for a few years). She also has access to joint credit cards but refuses to use them.

For some reason she felt guilty spending out of the joint account when she wasn't contributing to it due to being enrolled full time in school. She's the one who asked for the "allowance" so she would have some spending money to blow without it affecting our bills/budget.

I have never had any reaction to her spending her own money from her own account. The way I see it is that she earned it so she can do as she pleases.

To be perfectly honest I've never understood why she doesn't want our finances combined and to just spend as she pleases. I'm not sure I understand why she works at all when I'm willing to cover the bills so she can go to school. She's very driven/independent.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
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mxdup Offline OP
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It's been a month since I updated this post:

My therapist told me that the reason why I cannot rationalize anything my W says or does is because she has borderline personality disorder (BPD). Sometimes she loves me and wants to stay married and other times she wants to leave and wants me to move on. Because of the BPD, the therapist has recommended forcing her out of the house, changing the locks, seeking a restraining order and divorcing her with no contact. With all of that said, she's really done nothing wrong except for stating that she's not happy in our marriage. While I recognize that he's an expert, I'm simply not willing to follow his advice. I have no desire to force a divorce that I don't want to occur. She will be leaving very soon anyhow as she received keys to her apartment earlier this week. The therapist simply wants me to divorce and find a new mate so I can be happy in the future. What I have tried to explain to him but he doesn't get is that I will not seek a new mate due to my inability to accept divorce. I believe you choose one mate for eternity, regardless of what the law says, she will always be my wife.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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