WAS vs MLC...not sure it really matters, part 2

[skm0619]

Cali....

I hear all of your words and do appreciate everything you say to me.

I just want some consistency from him, but I just don't feel like I am getting it. He is capable of being consistent when he reaps the benefits of it, but if he has to consider me, I feel like he is "half @ss" at doing things.

Am I ever going to be able to let this go and as SBJ says "let God"......I really don't know, but I hope so.

[Coly23]

Hey SKM! Just wondering how you are doing?

[SBJ]

Like Coly, I'm just checking in. How's it going?

[skm0619]

Coly and SBJ......

I had a nice long response typed out and then POOF, IT WAS GONE!!!!

I am out of town right now enjoying some "me time" alone in the mountains with my dogs. I will respond in the next few days when I can bring myself to sit down and type out another response.

[Coly23]

Hey skm! Waiting for your update with bated breath!

Glad you are having some well deserved me time with the dogs!

[skm0619]

Okay, here goes again. Hope I can manage not to let this one disappear like the last response

Recently H and I had been spending time together, and things were going well. We are still not living together. I am in the process of looking for a new place to live as the place I am staying at now is pricey. The plan is to find a rental in the coming weeks because I am not able to find a place/area that I really want to buy a house in.

H has expressed on a few occasions that he wants to continue to work on things between the two of us, and he wants us to work on our M. He continues to go to a weekly Landmark meetings (those are his therapy sessions). He says he is learning to open up and express himself more while at those meetings, but does find it hard to do that with me. He says he feels like he isn't able to do that because he is so worried about what my response will be to it. Not really sure how to take that one???

We were supposed to be going out of town this week, but we had a disagreement a few days ago, and since that time he has gone back into his rabbit hole. He didn't respond when I would text, and he didn't call back either. When I did finally speak to him, he said he didn't respond because he "needed some space" and was "trying to figure out what he wanted to do." I didn't pry any further into that.

I called him one night to see if I could come and get the dogs so that I could take them with me, and he said he was not going to be home because he was helping "a friend" with some things at their house. I found out later when I asked him "what friend", that it was a single girl that he has had a friendship with for quite some time. I have had some issues with her and H and their "friendship" because they do meet up to chat "about life" periodically. He claims she knows that he is "trying to work things out with his marriage".....those are his words. But I feel like he doesn't have healthy boundaries in regard to her (or other females) and their friendship. He even went so far to tell me that he had to go and help her with some things at her house.......just the two of them were there. I asked him why he had to be the one to help her and he said he "didn't want to let her down." Now this is the same man who has crawled back into his rabbit hole, wont answer texts or phone calls from me..............but doesn't want to "let her down"

Another thing that has been on my mind recently is about 2 weeks ago, H said he is still learning to trust me again. Not really sure what that is all about. I asked him did he really want to try and work things out between the two of us, and his response was "yes, because it is the right thing to do".........OUCH!! I was sad to hear that response because for me what I heard was him saying he felt obligated, not because he thought his life would be better because of it, or that our M is worth working on.

When we are out in public he doesn't show me any affection. He doesn't tell me how he feels about me, or that he misses me when we go longer then expected without seeing each other. He hasn't said he loves me since before BD (which will be 2 years Nov 2017). He says he "has love for me" but I don't know if he is trying to tell me he loves me when he says that, or what?

When I did pick up the dogs, we spoke for some time about him going back into the rabbit hole and he said that he hates it when he acts that way. He wants to make things better and he doesn't know why he keeps acting this way. I did not yell and scream or show any sort of anger towards him, and for me that is something I am really working on. It doesn't help the situation at all, and I know that he crawls further into the hole when I do respond that way.

I tried to leave and shut the car door, but each time he would stand in the way of that. When I did finally say "I need to go" he leaned in to kiss my cheek and tell me to have a safe trip. I asked him why did he say and do that, his response was he is "trying to be sweet, and also show love for me."

I left Friday morning, and it is now Sunday evening. H has not called or texted to see if I made it safely, or find out where I ended up going. I have not texted him either. I am giving him his space that he said he needed.

I am enjoying being here in the mountains in Colorado. The weather is so nice compared to the 95 degree weather at my house. I plan to go on a few hikes in the next few days with the dogs. I am going to continue to enjoy this time away, because I will be back at work at the hospital soon enough

I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say

[job]

What does working on the marriage mean to him? Is it just being a friend and doing things w/you? Do you get the impression that he feels obligated to do things w/you or does he do them freely and actually enjoys spending time w/you?

He said he's trying to learn to trust you again? That should be the other way around, i.e., he should be trying to earn your trust once again. He's still in MLC and he's still talking much of the lingo that they spit out from time to time.

He needs to do the hard work in earning your trust and being transparent w/you in all things. At the moment, he is still operating a bit in the dark. My advice is to step back just a wee bit and give him as much space as he can choke on. He's still fumbling around in the dark and hasn't figure out that you are the one he needs to come home to. I would go a bit dim on him and not call him unless you absolutely need to.

I may be wrong, but he's no where near fully baked to recommit to a relationship w/you. He, in his mind, still looks to you as a friend and nothing more (at least that's what I'm sensing from your last posting.) He may be saying these things to you to keep you where he left you pre-crisis because he's not sure what he wants at the moment. I would continue moving forward and if he wakes up and starts to do the hard work of earning your trust again, then that's when I would seriously consider a new relationship w/him. For the moment...leave him be to figure himself out.

Just my two cents.

[SBJ]

skm, great to hear from you. Hope you find the peace and tranquility you are looking for while you are in CO. It is so beautiful there. It has been too long since I have been there...I'm jealous that you are enjoying it.

Job sounds spot on about him still being in the MLC tunnel. Please know that we are still in your corner. All we can do when our spouses are still lost in their MLC journey is pray that God will guide them thru it...even if it doesn't lead them home. Us going out and GAL has to keep moving forward for our sanity and our own growth.

Keep moving one day at a time.

[Coly23]

Hey skm, sounds like things are still very much up in the air for you at the moment. I don't have any wise words as I really can't relate at this time however IMHO I think he is using this landmark therapy to hide behind whenever he wants to make it look like you are the issue.

Also I don't think it is acceptable at this stage for him to be scurrying away every time you have a disagreement and because of that I agree with Job that he is not ready.

I hope you have a well deserved rest skm away from all the MLC madness!!

[marina7]

Omg... Why do you think, My W spends literally 15,000 within 5 months like WTF. And when kids with her they say Mommy purchase like 10 pair of sneakers and shoes she has bags and bags of store shopping in her closet. And only for herself doesn't buy anything. Grrrr... I agree feels like eternity with a WAW/MLC