Thanks all, I think we will start off with the week at a time. With school activities, games and face time we will get to see plenty of each other. I do agree that the kids and what's best for them come first and I definitely don't want them to feel as though they are living out of suitcases. While my sitch with the W will work out 1 way or another I know I must be strong since I will probably see more of her and make sure I am cordial, polite, respectful and to not engage in relationship talk unless she starts.
Need some guidance........W moved out 3 weeks after telling me she wanted a D. All the signs are there that there is an OM but when I initially did some snooping, right after she moved out, I could not find any proof (it's been over 2 mths said she wanted a D and about 2 mths of separation). Since reading Sandi's posts about not snooping I have stopped and I must say it has been good for my sanity/detaching. Should I continue to not snoop? If something has started up with an OM after she has already moved out and have separated should I hold that against her? Obviously at this point in time the consequence would be for me to file for D and not wait for her. I read a lot about blowing up the A, exposing it and that is the only way to success. To not sit in limbo, be passive etc. which is a little different than detach, 180, GAL and don't snoop. Just would like some input. Thanks!
Joseph, my two cents. Don't snoop. It is insanity-inducing. Assume there is an OW and that it began before she left (if you are still married and didn't have an agreed separation what's the difference). Decide based on that whether you could ever forgive her. If you know you wouldn't and don't want to be married, then file. If you aren't sure. Wait it out (but don't snoop--that's for you).
Need some guidance........W moved out 3 weeks after telling me she wanted a D. All the signs are there that there is an OM but when I initially did some snooping, right after she moved out, I could not find any proof (it's been over 2 mths said she wanted a D and about 2 mths of separation). Since reading Sandi's posts about not snooping I have stopped and I must say it has been good for my sanity/detaching. Should I continue to not snoop? If something has started up with an OM after she has already moved out and have separated should I hold that against her? Obviously at this point in time the consequence would be for me to file for D and not wait for her. I read a lot about blowing up the A, exposing it and that is the only way to success. To not sit in limbo, be passive etc. which is a little different than detach, 180, GAL and don't snoop. Just would like some input. Thanks!
Hello Joseph9,
I agree with OwnIt. I would hold off on snooping at this point. DB strategies do not advocate blowing up the A and going the exposure route. I would recommend discussing your thoughts on this with your DB Coach.
Focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Joseph9 and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Ok another question with regards to DBing. I guess I just want to make sure this is normal or expected. I feel like I am getting farther and farther away from my W. It feels like she is also Dbing me. I don't contact her and she doesn't contact me unless it is something related to our daughters. Is this normal? Should there be some sort of communication?
I would also say that it seems to me that she is getting more angry with me or not being as communicative with me either the more serious I got about DBing. She stopped sending me text messages of our girls which she used to do when I was probably more emotionally available to her. Is this part of manipulation or her trying to pull back to see if I will respond?
That is normal. The only way your situation is going to turn around is if you give her the time and space to miss you.
By doing this one of two things are going to happen:
1. She misses you and wants to reconcile. 2. She doesn't miss you and wants a D but at that point your life will be so awesome and you will be so detached you will realize you do not need or want her anymore.
The key to it all getting out and doing awesome things that she might eventually want to join you in.
Hey Joseph. My take on this is that you can gently test the waters to see how she responds to something. But, maybe some of the veterans here can give better advice. I like what LH19 said, but sometimes you don't know if you're pushing her away further or if this is the worse part before it may get better.
If this is super wrong, others with more experience chime in.
Because some time has passed, I would maybe ask her something very general when you see her next to do kid exchange. Something like 'how are you doing'? See how she responds. and then leave it at that. But, just something small. I wouldn't do it over text, because very hard to read what's going on with a text.
I dunno man. I feel like it's important to see if something is working or not. You said that she almost wanted to say something last time you saw her. Maybe do one more exchange like you've been doing with DB and see how it goes. And then maybe the next time around do something small.
You know I've not been doing this for long so my take might just be wrong, and that maybe I am a bit impatient at times. Take what I said with a grain of salt and see what others say.
Thanks all, I will continue the course of detaching and only communicating over the kids and finances. If nothing else, I know it is helping me which is most important! At this point in time I know she does not want to get back on Team Joseph because she is too busy enjoying the single life in her new apartment!
She was out of town over the weekend at her cousins funeral so if I ask her anything it will be about that.
Since reading Sandi's posts about not snooping I have stopped and I must say it has been good for my sanity/detaching. Should I continue to not snoop?
Sounds like you answered your own question
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If something has started up with an OM after she has already moved out and have separated should I hold that against her?
She wants a D, so regardless of the presence of a OM your only choice is to focus on you and the kids, continue to GAL, make yourself the best -you- that you can be. You've got to live your life and let her live hers. Personally I thought my M was over when my W moved out and I didn't really see her seeing others as an "affair" after that. Not saying I liked it, of course I didn't. But I accepted it. At that point our M was merely a formality, a piece of paper in a file somewhere was all that said we were still married.
Thanks Stander.....I agree 100% her moving out has been the D process for me as well. If and when the D happens it will be nothing but a formality for me.
You hung in there for a long time. Is there a reason why you stuck it out for so long? Did you ever get the feeling your W wanted to reconcile? How is she these days? Does she regret her decision?
So my W spent te day with some mutual friends yesterday who are really good family friends, they are like a 2nd Grandparents to our children. I told them to leave me out of the conversation however I guess I came up a few times. I guess if she brought up the questions it is hard to not answer especially since they don't understand the DB principals.
Not that this means anything but I thought it was interesting. I still am not believing 100% anything they say.
1. She did say she currently has no regrets and she is reminded of that every time she walks into her apartment door. Really? Not missing me, the kids, etc and it's because of your apt? SMH.
2. I guess she spent a lot of time showing pictures of her apartment and how excited she is about it.
3. She asked a couple of times how I was doing and if I was sad. Both times our friends said no he is doing good and seems like regular Joseph to us.
4. They asked her is she had filed for D yet and when she was going to do it. She didn't seem to concerned about it, it's not high on her priority list. Did indicate we needed to talk about at some point and asked them if they had any suggestions on a timing.
5. She indicated she thought about writing my parents a letter explaining to them what happened.
6. She seems to be struggling with the kids and them not minding her because she asked if they behave a certain way around me.
At the end of the day I thought it was interesting conversation. She does seem to be inquiring about me a little more these days and she also asked me how I was doing last week as well.
I found myself notbeing as impacted emotionally last night as I heard this inormation. I know I will be great either way and I am starting to look forward to the 2nd half of my life! I know I would not be in this position without this forum so I couldn't be more grateful. In the end DBing may not be able to save my marriage but I know it has saved me!
W called me in tears because she got a bill for her new apt that was more expensive than what she was told and it is from the company I work for. So she needs big daddy to help her out. SMH
She also said she has poor cell service and can't use her phone inside her apt.....you have to be kidding me!! But she loves it soooo much.......FML!
Man my w is such a rock.....I think I have worn a new shirt every time for kid pick up, lost 15 lbs, new sunnies and she has never commented once on how I look. Packed on more muscle also. She has not given an inch. At least I feel good!
As others have said excellent work! Regarding snooping and my sitch I have been very good for the last 2 months (i.e. not done any) and feel more relaxed mentally. Unfortunately curiosity got the better of me last night as the WW's phone was lying around (and I was tired). Didn't doing anything major as I knew that would set me back big time, but there was certainly a music album on there that is not to my taste. So today I feel awful. Must get the mood back up for the weekend and our 20th celebrations!
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Snooping does no good it has really helped me with my sanity!! I know the clothes, loosing weight, etc. is for me I guess I am just disappointed there has been no acknowledgement.
Had about a 25 min conversation in person with my W this morning over kid stuff. No talks about our R and no mention of D. We talked a little bit about the holidays and what our arrangement would be starting off the school year. She said I could have them for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I told her to not make those decisions yet and lets see what things look like closer to the date. My parents normally come down for Christmas but I told her our first priority is the kids and they will not come down because our sitch with the kids is more important. This is probably another 180 for me being more decisive about what is going to happen and standing up for or family.
She made some comment about not seeing my parents when they were here which I think made her mad (at least you could tell it bothered her since she brought it up). I just tried to validate her by saying I understand why you would feel that way and she just nodded her head. I guess I feel like she thinks that everyone should just be ok with her decision? I don't understand that. I also gave her the license plates to our new car but did not offer to put them on for her. You could tell she probably wanted me to but since is trying to be independent said she would find someone else to help her. It was very hard for me not to do it! This is a 180 for me.
On the other hand she bought a picnic table for her apartment, she said she got it on sale. Not sure who helped her move it but I didn't ask. Just another sign she is sure making that place into a home!
Thanks, I appreciate it. I have become more at peace with it over the past couple of weeks. I really feel our marriage was over with when she moved out and probably in her mind a few weeks or months before that.
It is hard letting go, getting used to the new norm's with me and my kids and getting used to the quiet periods in the house. I don't care what anyone says. You can't GAL every minute of every day so there are periods of time during the day or night that really get your mind wondering. This by far has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I never thought in a million years my W would do this.
I also am trying to find the balance between being her friend and my potential XW. Coming together for the kids and working together to make their lives the best it can be considering the situation. Assuming this leads to D I don't want to push her too far away that an amicable situation and potential mediation turns into a nasty, L filled D.
You hung in there for a long time. Is there a reason why you stuck it out for so long?
I didn't really stick it out that long, it seemed like forever but I was already dating less than a year after BD. In retrospect I should have waited longer, not for W but just to get my head straight. I thought I was ready to date but I wasn't yet.
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Did you ever get the feeling your W wanted to reconcile?
She did at one point, that was when we went to Retrouvaille. I think had we done that a year before BD it would have saved things, but it was about 7 months after BD and 4 months after S and I was getting to the point of being done by then. Retro was really fantastic and helped our communication skills quite a bit, but afterwards when we were doing the followups I just don't think our hearts were in it.
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How is she these days?
She went through breast cancer not too long after our D. She was cured of it, but has long term health problems as a result. She continues to struggle with that and weight gain, she also was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and has a lot of pain in her hands and feet. She seems content and happy with her life, but D20 mentioned not too long ago that she told her she cries a lot so I guess she's still going through some emotional struggles.
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Does she regret her decision?
She said she did during Retro. But I think by then she felt it was too late to reverse course, and I really felt the same. It's hard to explain but you get to the point where you've accepted your new life without your spouse and then if they reach out you just don't think it's worth it anymore. Maybe if the kids were younger, but two of ours are adult and moved out now and the 3rd in high school. Getting divorced, splitting up assets and settling into a new financial reality is a huge, HUGE adjustment. It's very stressful and a ton of work. Once you get past all of that then it all becomes your "new normal" and it's what you're used to. Then suddenly the WAS wants to work on things, but you're asking yourself "why would I want to do that when I'm finally comfortable with my new life?" And of course you can't help but wonder if they're not going to turn around and BD you again in a few years.
I've mentioned this before, but of the people I know in my personal life that have been BD'd, every one of their spouses eventually wanted to recon. Most of them didn't because the LBS had moved on and was done with the WAS. Two of them did recon, one is living with his ex but probably won't marry her again. The other one did remarry his ex. Both are very happy now, their WAS's really did 180's themselves and are very committed now.
She made some comment about not seeing my parents when they were here which I think made her mad (at least you could tell it bothered her since she brought it up). I just tried to validate her by saying I understand why you would feel that way and she just nodded her head. I guess I feel like she thinks that everyone should just be ok with her decision? I don't understand that.
You don't understand b/c it is illogical. To the WW, everything is about her. The universe revolves around her, her needs and her desires. Although she wants all the advantages and fun of living the single life.......she expects you and others who were in her previous life (so to speak) to be available for her.......should she decide she wants something. It has not really hit her that with S/D come loses. She looses the in-laws. She no longer gets to call you and cry over her bumps in the road, she no longer has you to bail her out of unexpected expenses. She no longer has you to comfort her and sympathize that she doesn't have better phone service.
This is not what she envisioned her new life would be. Well, guess what? This is not what you envisioned for the M, either. She has to put on her big girl panties, b/c her past life and her current life do not mesh. There will be several little things where she will realize the importance you played in her daily life. And the killer for her? The people she left standing in her destruction as she sped away from the M, are not racing to her side to rescue her whenever things don't go to suit her.
It really is amazing the unrealistic view the WW forms. She thinks her LBH will pine away for her, and he will break his neck to do anything to help her life be more comfortable.......b/c she just knows he will always be in love with her, and nobody will ever take her place in his heart.
You are doing great, Joseph. I admire the way you validated without sounding like a wimp. I'm sure it is not easy to walk in your shoes. Naturally, you want her to notice the "new you", and she probably does.........but for whatever reason, she won't acknowledge it. I think it goes back to her believing you would just fall apart when she left. I suspect she's asking others about you.
Good job at not snooping! There really is no need, considering she has moved out. It would only keep you emotionally tied to her and whatever she's doing with someone else. The sooner you can stop watching her, the sooner you can detach and focus on the the things you like.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi for checking in....I have a lot of your posts printed off and hanging beside my bathroom mirror! I feel like I struggle from time to time with achieving the right balance in my interactions. Not coming off too cold but also comfortable with engaging in friendly conversation. Today was the first day my W and I engaged in friendly conversation about our children in quite some time.
She has been asking more about how I am doing not only to me but our mutual friends (she actually asked them if I was sad) so I know that is a positive sign.
I am also starting to feel emotionless during our interactions. Being guarded but not plotting everything I say, really only holding true to not talking about our relationship.
I do feel like she has experienced some loss and is struggling more than what she admits. We did talk this morning about our kids and how they are really testing her. I told her not to take any crap from them and put your foot down. She is a good mom to them and I reminded her of that. She looked away and was holding back tears.
I do believe she is really messed up emotionally on the inside and although she presents a touch exterior she is weak on the inside. Hopefully she will have an awakening before it's too late.
just to say the reason I didn't blow my sitch out in the open was that if it ever comes to D negotiations, my lawyer (who only does this sort of thing) said it is vital to keep things amicable so I went with her advice (and of course DBing!!)
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
CW.....it is a tough balance for me. I do think my W is having an affair or at minimum has got attention from other men however I could not prove it. She moved out 3 weeks after BD, volunteered herself at first to move out of the MBR and then ultimately volunteered to get an apartment. Everything happened so quick that I didn't have much time to respond. I will admit that she originally wanted to move out 8/31 but I told her if she wanted to go to make it happen I wouldn't try to hold her back.
At this point in time she is out of the house so snooping wouldn't do anything, I considered our marriage over when she moved out.
...and as is quite often pointed out in these threads what do we actually achieve with any proof of affairs if the MR is over anyway? Guess the whole point is we "know"
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
I think most people that are here, wanting to save their marriage, are willing to accept the spouse has cheated. I'm not sure I have read through any thread where it didn't happen or was suspected.
I think the 'knowing' can have implications in terms of divorce processes in different jurisdictions, so that is one way of looking at it.
For me, the knowing is important if W ever wants to recon. I want the full truth and nothing but the truth, and have all my questions answered.
In my sitch, I have absolutely no proof that there is any form of A. I think there was some EA stuff going on possibly with a guy for a bit, and that W went out on a coffee date to feel out the dating world, but nothing else besides that. The guy with who W possibly had a short EA turned out to be a piece of garbage and W was really rattled.
The knowing only made me more angry because she said that the S is not because she is looking for some other guy - I'm not sure how true that is, but because I don't have any real evidence, I half believe her.
Would my DB tactics change if she was in a EA/PA - absolutely. I think I would go dark even further and pull back even more. But what I am doing so far has been working, at least for me, so I can take comfort knowing that.
Not much new on my sitch. My oldest D had soccer practice at 8 am this morning and my W wanted to come watch. 8 am is pretty early for her so it shocked me that she wanted to attend. She was even nice enough to bring me coffee. Which I politely declined as I quit drinking coffee, it was 1 of my goals and obviously she didn't know.
We just chatted about kid stuff as our youngest was sitting between us. Nothing about our R or D and I felt very comfortable and confident around her. It didnt feel wierd and I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells. She wasn't overly chatty you could tell a little standoffish not overly warm but I didn't let it bother me.
Any way not much else going on this weekend. I just got done mowing the yard, will prob take the girls swimming this afternoon and we have church tomorrow. Have a good weekend!
I really like that update because she brought you coffee and you showed her an interesting change in you, even though a small thing, but still something different.
The other thing is how you felt so confident and comfortable around her and not walking on eggshells. I am getting there too.
A quick question - if I remember correctly, you had a session with a DB coach. Who was it and did you like their approach and was it useful for you? Thanks.
Yeah, I felt pretty good about that however I know she still doesn't give a crap right now . I just remind myself to not get caught up on every interaction and that I really can't do anything wrong outside of pursuing and talking about our R or D. I think I also realized the quicker I can get to a point of confidence the better off I will be.
I had a weak moment to myself after kid drop off this morning. The exchange was quick, I really didn't expect anything or do anything wrong but I felt rushed for some reason. Then as I was driving away I felt a wave of sadness and anger come over me. Not sure why but I guess it is just a reminder that I am not out of the woods yet. I will see her again tonight as my youngest has practice and she asked me to go.
I signed up for 3 sessions and my coach is Leny. The first session I just debriefed her on my sitch and she told me my W is experiencing the garden variety MLC. She told me to keep on doing what I am and to treat her like a close personal friend. That advice is a little different than the board suggests about a friendly neighbor.
2nd session we just discussed the updates and she asked me to write a validation letter but to not send it.
I guess it was good to hear that I am doing the right things but since these situations take such a long time to resolve it's probably best to schedule them around something major happening in your sitch. I also go to IC every 3 weeks so it might be a little overkill. So for me I don't think it is critical but my sitch might be a little different since we are already separated. Others who are not and they are trying to navigate their way through detaching, etc. while the spouse is in the same house might benefit more since there is much more interaction.
Thanks for giving your perspective on the Coach. I just booked some sessions today as I am in this weird vortex right now in my sitch and dunno what to do moving forward. I am updating my thread this afternoon. Dunno what's the right move.
I think you will find the coaches offer a softer approach while most of the vets take more of a hard line stance. I really believe my W wants this perfect co-parenting relationship which is the reason why she send me text pictures of the kids or informational emails about school or whatever. She wants us to be like Gweneth and Chris Martin with this conscious uncoupling stuff. I am just trying to stick to my same approach which I know will ultimately get me now where if there is OM or the fantasy of one in the picture.
Yeah, I believe my W has this fantasy of a co-parenting relationship that is full of unicorns and rainbows, and that we'll be great friends - which i think is a load of horse manure.
I just want to Yoda this MR: "Do or Do Not. There is No Try."
Mine is not trying but I don't expect her to. I just spent an hour with her at soccer practice, I went after my work out of chest and biceps. I felt great, had the blood pumping, just made small talk, etc. discussed some finances around going back to School stuff for the kids but nothing major outside of that. She is so far gone it's not even funny....I have no idea what will wake her up but it's obviously not going to be my gym body .
Yeah, I believe my W has this fantasy of a co-parenting relationship that is full of unicorns and rainbows, and that we'll be great friends - which i think is a load of horse manure.
It's not for everyone but it can be done. XW and I continued (and still do) to go to all the kids' events, we drive separately but sit together. The kids have told us both how much they appreciate it when they look into the stands or into the audience and see us sitting together in support of them. On their birthdays we go out to dinner together and have them open their presents at one house or the other. I think before I was divorced I wouldn't have thought it was possible to get along as friends, and I think I even said as much here. But after you get past all the emotional turmoil of BD, S and D it is possible to find a neutral relationship with your ex where you can do stuff together for the kids without it being awkward or uncomfortable. Again I'm not suggesting it works for everyone or that anyone should even try it if they don't want to, I'm just saying it -is- possible.
Stander....QQ. I have struggled with this in my current sitch because I don't want my W to view me as a friend. Would you advise taking this route while we are going through this with separation/divorce? In the back of my mind if I give her this awesome co-parenting relationship right now will that do more harm to me right now since it will make her feel that everything will be alright and eliminate any hope of our family being put back together?
Just got a call from the IP asking me if I could take my D's on Thursday this week vs our normal day of Wed. She said her and her friends were getting together for 1 last summer celebration before school starts and in return she offered to take them on Friday and Saturday nights this week which would normally be my nights.
DOES SHE HAVE A HEART????????? I guess she wanted to go out on Thursday night pretty bad. Since I was getting something in return and it was an opportunity to have the weekend off I signed up for that deal!
I also sense that my W is carrying around a lot of guilt. For example, last night she was running late to my D's soccer practice and texted me to say they would be 5 min late and apologized to me for it. I bought my D a new jug for her water and it fell out of the car and broke. When my oldest told me about you could tell my W was very defensive. During our talk about finances and the kids clothes she wanted to make it a point that I new that she would be contributing. She is also not wanting to rely on me for anything. In the above example below she tried a few other people to help watch the kids before she called me. Is this stuff normal and should I say something to her or just let her feel the emotions?
Welp tomorrow is my 2 mth anniversary of our S and I have been really struggling over the past couple of days. I have had a hard time sleeping and am also having a hard time remaining positive and not losing hope. I know the changes are for me however at the end of the day we are all here to hopefully save our marriage. In honor of my 2 mth anniversary I thought I would list some of things I have done. I am also doing this to help motivate myself so I can mentally remain in the game!
1. I have taken my D's to church every Sunday. 2. Wardrobe has been updated with new shirts for work and for working out. 3. Gave up Coffee. 4. Changed my hair style. 5. Lost about 15 to 20 lbs. 6. Been hitting the gym 4 days a week. 7. Took my D's rock climbing. 8. Bought some cologne. 9. Bought some fancy shampoo, body wash, deodorant and body lotion. 10. Bought some new tennis shoes and sunglasses 11. Took a trip to Nashville, will be planning another 1 soon. 12. Read several self-help books and realized that I need to be more confident, learn to say "no" sometimes and to voice my opinion more. 13. Spent time with friends boating, swimming and going out a few times during the week.
I think that is a pretty decent list. With that said I have not had a weekend off from my children all summer due to the schedule my W and I arranged. When school starts and have free time on the weekends I would like to do the following:
1. I used to play basketball 3 times a week with a group of guys. I would like to start that up again.
2. There are some home projects that I would like to work on. Stuff like pulling weeds, cleaning out the attic, etc.
3. I remember when we first got married and before she turned Vegan we would go out to eat at a fancy restaurant 1 time a month and I was much more into music. I would like to take in some concerts and treat myself to a big steak once a month.
4. I have a great job, make 6 figures, but have become stagnant in my career due to focusing on my children/family. I would like to get that fire back. My resume is updated, I just need to take the plunge and start applying.
5. I would like to start swimming laps in the pool at our gym vs always doing treadmill type of work.
6. Start taking my D's out on date nights so they can begin to learn how a man is supposed to treat them.
7. Continue to read self-help books so I can continue to develop into a more well rounded leader at home.
8. WATCH A LOT OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!!! A silver lining with having every other weekend off from the children! I love to watch and bet on the games.
That's an impressive list Joseph. Some of the stuff is easy to start with and changes can be made quickly. But re-evaluating professional goals, which is important, and continuing to be involved in physical activities is also so refreshing.
I know it's hard, but try not to focus on the upcoming date for the S and thinking of it as an anniversary. I know it's hard not to look at the timeline, but instead of tracking something negative, track the anniversaries of you starting to doing all of the positive things. I mean it's a 2 month anniversary of you losing 20 pounds - that's freakin' awesome.
I am trying to measure the time this way. I am focusing on how consistently I am doing positive things and that is helping me refocus my energy into all the great things I am achieving.
Stander....QQ. I have struggled with this in my current sitch because I don't want my W to view me as a friend. Would you advise taking this route while we are going through this with separation/divorce?
My older D was in band and color guard and my younger D was on the drill team and my S was playing football. So there were a lot of activities to go to. I absolutely love watching my kids do stuff like that and so does XW. So I don't really see it as us going for each other or because we're being friends, we're just going because we love to support our kids. I guess like anything during S and D the question is can you do it without expectations, because that's the important part for you individually. If you can't tolerate sitting next to W like nothing is wrong then you can always go sit somewhere else.
Michele says in DR that when kids are involved "there's no such thing as divorce". Her point is that as co-parents your lives are forever intertwined. It's been 5 years post-BD for me, one kid has since graduated college and is out on her own, another is in college and also out on her own, and the 3rd in high school. W's and my lives criss-cross all the time because of the kids, even now despite two of them being moved out. Personally I would rather have a friendly relationship with her than one full of tension and awkwardness. It just makes things go so much smoother. But BD, S and D are far behind us and there's no resentment there anymore, so maybe that's the trick is you have to settle into that "friendzone" later.
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In the back of my mind if I give her this awesome co-parenting relationship right now will that do more harm to me right now since it will make her feel that everything will be alright and eliminate any hope of our family being put back together?
I understand what you're saying, that she won't learn to miss you. Maybe for now you try to keep distance between the two of you, and later you can consider more of a "friends" relationship after you see how things pan out?
Thanks AS.....I appreciate it. Since our kids are so young we are going to be involved with each other for the next 20 yrs or so. I don't want this to turn ugly because I know it will do nothing but hurt our kids and ultimately us. I can sit/stand next to her with no issues and I currently don't have any expectations. I am also really not that angry with her either. She can't help how she felt and how she communicated it was the way she knew how.
I will continue as is with keeping my distance as I have been for me personally but when it comes to the kids we are going to have to come together (we have too many events and I think standing on opposite ends of the field is akward and immature). Either way I am probably in a lose/lose situation because if I don't work together with her now it will put her off, she will get pissed and then view me in a negative light. If I work with her then I run the risk of her thinking this is great but the consequences are that she knows we can make this work.
I might as well take the high road, I know it will be easier on my children.
Things have moved really fast for you and frankly, I'm amazed at how well you've adapted to the DB approach. Your W and mine (and countless others) fit the description that Sandi2 has been posting about for years. It's like an epidemic and there are so many of us (myself included) who do all the wrong things when it happens. But from what I've read it seems like you've made a lot of good choices for how to handle this and your GAL progress in only a few months is really inspiring.
For me it's been 14 months since BD and for the first 4 months my W kept insisting that she wanted to save our marriage. I even remember one night after a bit of emotional discussion and a long silence she said something like, "We CAN'T get divorced." At the time I took that as a positive sign, but looking back I think she was just trying to convince herself.
As strange as this sounds, I think you should feel a little lucky that your W volunteered to move out. Yes, I'm sure it broke your heart and was devistating for your girls but I think the alternative is way worse. My W wanted me to move out but I refused so we lived in limbo as roommates for about 5 months. It was hell and it didn't do anything to make things better. All it did was prevent me from detaching sooner. By the time we finally agreed to a physical "nesting" separation (which is what we have now) I was so angry and resentful, I couldn't even look at her, let alone discuss things rationally with her.
But I'm getting better. And now that we're 3 months into our physical separation I'm not really hung up on what my W is up to anymore. I'm almost certain that she's in some sort of relationship with a man. But so much time has passed that the thought of her with someone else doesn't make my blood boil like it used to. I'm not saying that I like the idea, but it's more like a void of feeling. Like an empty space that I'm not concerned with filling anymore.
I went through a phase of intense GAL a while back, but it has tapered off. Lately I think I'm exhausted from all the stress of the situation. And when I'm exhausted I'm less likely to take care of myself. Been staying up too late, eating junk food, drinking bourbon, etc. I know I have to get back to it.
Next week I have the kids all to myself at the beach. Planning a week away with two kids is difficult without the help of a spouse, but I'm looking forward to it. It will be like a mini sabbatical for me. A whole week with no job, no house to take care of, and no W to interact with. If I want to keep the kids out on the boardwalk until 11 or get the ice cream for breakfast, I CAN and no one is going to argue with me. So I'm hoping to use the time to recoup and come back inspired.
I'll be interested to hear how your week swap is working. I'm hoping that my situation will evolve to this as well. I'm certainly not happy to give up 50% of my time with my kids, but I don't really have much of a choice. So the thought of having every other week/weekend to myself is starting to excite me.
So keep up the good work and keep posting. The most comforting thing in my life right now (other than my kids) is knowing that so many other people are going through this and that things do get better.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Hey Chris, Yes it moved very fast party because I told my W to leave if she wanted to get an apartment. She originally told me she wanted to move out 8/31 I told her that wouldn't work for me to go ASAP if that is what she wanted to do. She has also cut me off at the knee caps with no talks of our R so since she has not been sending me mixed messages that has also helped.
I read through your sitch a few weeks back and you have been through the ringer. Hopefully now you can continue detaching, healing and getting back to your GAL activities. Going to the gym has been huge for me. Nothing is better than showing up for kid swap with your tank top on and blood pumping through your veins. It certainly makes you not lack confidence!
I'm not sure what I would have done if my W did not want to move out. I guess my options would have been to file myself or do what you did. I don't envy anyone that goes through in-house. FML that would be 10 times worse than just separating.
Dude...enjoy yourself with the kiddos that is awesome! I will keep you posted on the kid swapping. I don't have a choice either but I am looking forward to FOOTBALL SEASON and no kids every other weekend!!!
Yes, we are all in this together. I have spent countless hours reading through old posts from some of the vets that has really helped me get to this point. I am lucky that I stumbled onto this site so early in my sitch.
Oh, I drink bourbon as well....that needs to be included in your GAL activities not removed .
I'll be interested to hear how your week swap is working.
W and I are planning on doing the 2-2-5-5 schedule for the kids when school starts in Sept. Here is a link to how it can work and how you can customize it for your needs.
Today is my 2 mth S anniversary and I have not backslid in a month. Another goal accomplished, looking forward to making it 2 in a row! It is pretty easy to not bring up the R or D when she is not talking to you either
Welp had my Friday night GAL activities last night. First, I did a little shopping and bought some new threads. Second, I went out by myself, sat at the bar and got myself a big steak with a few cocktails. About 1.5 hrs into my night of enoying my steak a group of 3 ladies came up and sat beside me. One of which was 48 and going through a D herself. She was all over me, talking about sex, wanting my number, etc. etc. etc. Turns out she is the WW who has outgrown her balding husband and has been boinking her tatoo artist! Any way it was great night, I guess we'll see if she tets. Too funny
That's wicked man! What a confidence booster. I need to do that at some point. I really dislike going out to eat by myself, but this is something I will have to do and bring my extroverted side out. Nothing like getting attention from the opposite sex.
Even if I mention some woman in a conversation with my W, it drives her up the wall lol. Usually about a coworker where nothing will ever happen, but I can tell it bothers her. If she saw me at a bar talking up a woman, oh boy! hahahaha.
Yeah, it was soo random. She wasn't really my type but either way it was cool. I also found myself sticking up for her husband since we can all relate. I was kind of torn emotionally on the inside with my own selfish desires vs feeling really bad for her husband. I just pictured my W doing the same thing........:(
Just picked up your thread and read about your night. Funny how now we can spot the MLCers and how weirdly desperate they are. I think we will have great dating radar when we get back in the mix.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
Joseph & Citygrl - true true. Going through this experience, I definitely have lost any interest in being the OM for some WW. Nahh! I know I can do better. I don't want no desperate WW on my arms - I want a strong and confident woman who would want me for who I am, rather than using me to escape some situation.
OTOH, sex can just be sex if you want it to. So, we'll see lol. I feel like I have a really good idea of what I'd want now than I did previously.
I agree.....I asked her a ton of questions about her husband and why she felt like she did. She couldn't explain it just felt nothing for him and she was done. She also said he was working real hard and making changes and that really pissed her off. She said why didnt he do that when I felt differently. I told her to give him a chance, see what he can do, etc. I actually felt bad for him because it sounded like he was probably like us.
She said the cheating with her tatoo guy just happened that it wasn't planned. But I could tell she was sexaully repressed or felt like it and I know if I wanted to she would have went home with me. All she talked about was how hot I was and sex. She honed in on the fact that I didn't have a ring on and it went from there. I think she felt like she was better or more attractive than her husband. Like she had a higher sex rank.
Ick. She just sounds gross to me and probably diseased by now. Surprised she noticed no wedding ring. I thought it was guys with wedding rings that were girl magnets. That and when they have a baby as an accessory. Lol.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
Just an update....had kid pick up this am from my W and took my girls to church. Got up early and hit the gym, chest/biceps then came home, got showered and put on a new shirt that is tight. I just bought it and didn't realize it. Got to W's apt and she was a little more chatty than usual. On my way out she touched my arm and then came out to the back patio of her apt to talk to us as we left. Those two things have not happened in a while. Interestingly enough my w was not wearing a bra either which normally she does and had on some loose v neck t-shirt. I just went about my business Bau maybe I am reading too much into it but it seemed maybe in some weird way she was flirting. Any thoughts from the ladies on the board? She had shorts on too so it wasn't like she had a robe on with pjs if that makes sense. Btw I was nice but didn't take the bait.
My W trying walking throughout the house today in this see through night gown that she bought yesterday. She was wearing it as I suggested she pack and leave. Wore it right out the door with her stuff. Pretty sure that my W wasn't expecting that this morning when she put it on. Joseph stay strong and avoid the bait.
Thanks all.....I didn't take it!!!! I did not bring up our R or say she looked good or anything.....just acted normal and got out. Crazy!! I guess when u don't pursue and they start to wonder a little you will get these tests. I assume there will probably be more to come.
W just sent me an email asking me if she could take our girls on Thurs night instead of Wed night this week. Last week she wanted to trade the same night (said she was going out with GF's for their last summer night together, they are all teachers) and offered to take them on Fri and Sat. Since it was a trade I agreed.
During the summer I always had them on Wed nights so it appears she has standing mid-week plans since she is asking again (it might be a coincidence though since she originally agreed to take them this Wed unless she forgot). I always assumed she was having an affair with a married man just a hunch since she was so quick to move out of the house but has not been eager to force a D. With that said maybe Wed evenings was their date night and he told his W he was working late and is meeting my W etc. Everything in mind wants to call her out and ask her what's going on but I know I can't correct?
Just my own personal satisfaction and to confirm my suspicions since I have not snooped since she moved out. I also know that if I ask it would considered as pursuing and then I would really question myself on whether or not I have dropped the rope and detached. Because if that is the case then I really shouldn't care.
On the flip side if I did ask and she said "yes" then I would have to be prepared to respond with a consequence to what I am not willing accept. Since we are already S the only response I would have is to file for D myself.
Does all the make sense? I guess I am kind of having a weak moment.
I guess you read conflicting statements about busting up the A vs letting it run it's course.
Well I can tell you right now that you haven't dropped the rope. I can also tell you that you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to early in the process for you to drop the rope.
Would your wife being in an A be a deal breaker for you? Was that communicated prior to the separation?
IMO due to the quick separation it is more then likely your wife is at least in an EA.
Things happened so quickly we never discussed what would happen during our separation period. She wanted a D, moved out and hasn't brought it up since and I don't discuss it with her. I have no clue why she is waiting around and is not pushing forward with it. I just leave her alone and only talk to her about the kid stuff, don't ask where she is going/doing etc. so in that regard I have set her free.
On the A part I originally thought I could deal with it.....but as I get my confidence back, GAL, gym etc. I am starting to lean the other way. I guess I need to figure that part out in my head because as this thing goes on her being with OM is going to happen if it has not already. I guess in my mind I always knew something was going on but since she was not flaunting it/rubbing it in my face and we are S I guess I tried to rationalize it in my mind. I didn't necessarily feel a level of disrespect. Does that make sense?
W just sent me an email asking me if she could take our girls on Thurs night instead of Wed night this week. Last week she wanted to trade the same night (said she was going out with GF's for their last summer night together, they are all teachers) and offered to take them on Fri and Sat. Since it was a trade I agreed.
During the summer I always had them on Wed nights so it appears she has standing mid-week plans since she is asking again (it might be a coincidence though since she originally agreed to take them this Wed unless she forgot). I always assumed she was having an affair with a married man just a hunch since she was so quick to move out of the house but has not been eager to force a D. With that said maybe Wed evenings was their date night and he told his W he was working late and is meeting my W etc. Everything in mind wants to call her out and ask her what's going on but I know I can't correct?
I know this answer! Don't call her out.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Kylo is probably right. But...a little light turned on in my head (that's probably not a good thing).
Recently, on another forum, we had a little tete-a-tete about psychics. I'm squarely against charlatans and I'd classify psychics and their ilk as charlatans. Apparently a lot of people disagree with me.
I just realized there is a good use for psychics. If your wife believes in psychics you can tell her you went to a psychic and the psychic told you that your wife is cheating on you. Ha! That's not snooping, right?
Warning: Don't try this at home because it requires lying.
LOL guys, I won't. I have moved on, just a week moment!
LH,
Good point, your right. I guess I am already tolerating it/accepting it since I haven't filed for D myself and I am completely sure something is going on. Maybe being S makes it easier to handle since she is not doing it right in front of my face or in the house?
I appreciate your compliment on how I have been doing at DBing. The hardest part for me has been to not conduct my own temp checks and detaching. I still have a hard time falling to sleep at night as my mind starts to wonder. I also think it has been easier for me because my W has not given any mixed messages to suck me back in.
I didn't necessarily feel a level of disrespect. Does that make sense?
No it doesn't. How can your W being in an A while you are married be anything but disrespect?
I am not saying you can't work through it, but I can't see how it would be viewed as otherwise.
Ok LH19, but what if the A (EA and/or PA) started after the separation? The marriage is only a piece of paper at that point and so would that count as disrespect. It is obviously fuched up, and the other person is just hella moving fast, but I am wondering if you would classify as the same sort of disrespect if the partner is having an A while living under the same roof as married and not separated.
Just to be clear "temp checks" are when the WW spouse checks to see if the LBS is still attached/interested. Usually to ensure that they will still be there as plan B.
I think you do show signs of detaching.
Assuming your wife is in some sort of an A, is your goal still to reconcile?
Ok LH19, but what if the A (EA and/or PA) started after the separation? The marriage is only a piece of paper at that point and so would that count as disrespect. It is obviously fuched up, and the other person is just hella moving fast, but I am wondering if you would classify as the same sort of disrespect if the partner is having an A while living under the same roof as married and not separated.
Yes I would unless it was discussed otherwise in advance that it would be part of the separation process.
I can almost guarantee that if she is in an A it was going on before the separation.
LH.....as of right now yes or I would have filed myself. I do love her and our children are so young that I feel like I owe it to them to see if our family can be restored. If that means I sacrifice myself for an opportunity in the future then currently I am willing assuming my W would want to do the work herself. If I remember right your children was one of the main reasons why you stuck it out so long with your W and you gave it your all.
If I remember right your children was one of the main reasons why you stuck it out so long with your W and you gave it your all.
Yes. If I didn't have kids I probably would have filed a year ago.
Just to be clear, I am not judging I am just trying to see where your at right now. If an A was a deal breaker you may be better off filing now. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your kids and your family.
As Txhubby has posted many times "limbo can suck the life out of you and make you crazy"
It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about my D's. It is happening now as I type and it breaks my heart. I have more emotion over them than I do my W.
I know your not judging, I never thought it for a second.
Thanks for the confidence I do know that I have a lot to offer, have a good job, good head on my shoulders and won't have a problem moving forward. I definitely consider myself a great catch for some lucky lady! I got in a funk at the time my W started to change herself and it was probably the perfect storm.
I know I can't do this limbo thing forever. I originally told myself I would take it a month at a time and evaluate from there. Not sure why she hasn't filed yet but obviously she is not in rush. If I don't see any breaks in her heart within 6 months (assuming she hasn't filed) I think I am really going to have to reassess the situation. I don't expect to be back together but something that lets me know it's not completely over.
It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about my D's. It is happening now as I type and it breaks my heart. I have more emotion over them than I do my W.
I know what you mean but those feelings will subside in time.
I just was on vacation with my kids for 7 of the last 9 days and we had a blast. A year ago I never thought that would be possible without my wife.
I think 6 months is a reasonable time-frame.
In the mean time get out and do crazy $hit, keep the gym going, read self help books and keep telling yourself that you will be fine either way!
Thanks dude, I appreciate it! I am looking forward to those days! I thought so to, something just something that lets me know. In reality those 6 months are probably 9 to 12 months for her depending on when her transgressions started.
The gym has been my savior, I have always went but have taken it to a whole other level! I would recommend to anyone reading to hit the gym, it is the single most beneficial confidence booster you can get. If you want to up your sex rank it is a must!
I am still reading self-help books but I need to expand on my crazy stuff. If I would have taken the bait on that girl I met out on Friday that would have been completely crazy! I know that's not what your referring to though !
Ok LH19, but what if the A (EA and/or PA) started after the separation? The marriage is only a piece of paper at that point and so would that count as disrespect. It is obviously fuched up, and the other person is just hella moving fast, but I am wondering if you would classify as the same sort of disrespect if the partner is having an A while living under the same roof as married and not separated.
Yes I would unless it was discussed otherwise in advance that it would be part of the separation process.
I can almost guarantee that if she is in an A it was going on before the separation.
Yeh I see what you're saying. I definitely did not have such a convo with W and my EA suspicions definitely hit the timeline before BD.
Cool saying, I like it. I think my W is holding on to a couple of branches or she would have already filed. It seems like most of the people who have been successful at DBing had to give their spouse an ultimatum S or D themselves. Do you find that to be accurate?
From what I have read it is the ones that truly "drop the rope" and are ready to move on are the ones that are the most successful and when I say successful, that doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation.
The ones that truly do the hard work of self improvement become happier then they have ever been. Accuray & Another Stander come to mind.
Accuray posted once that if your WW wasn't happy in the marriage odds are you weren't really happy either. The only difference between a WS and LBS is timing.
He also posted the following that really helped me understand what I was going through:
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
IF they turn around, that is. Most of the times the WAS never looks back, at least not to the level where they'd pursue an R. Especially with women it feels like when it's over, it really is over.
Thanks LH19 (and Accuray). That post is literally an eye opener. The loss of control is way too easy to confuse to being in love though. It's hard to love someone who does the monkey-thing though, because that really devalues a person at least in my eyes. If you start to lose feelings, YOU TALK. YOU DO EVERYTHING. You don't just kill your feelings silently or nag some garbage and say "everything's fine dear, I love you" while searching for someone else to fill your wants.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
[quote=lcause]IF they turn around, that is. Most of the times the WAS never looks back, I disagree with this^^. There was a 5 year study that revealed far more than 3/4 of the WAS surveyed, admitted they had regrets about leaving. That included those without children, so the number is likely higher for those with.
As for looking back, I think Nearly every WAS does, especially when there are children and true NC is impossible.
Every time the AP errs or hurts them (which will happen b/c they are both human) the WAS will wonder if they made the right choice. Every time the AP doesn't get the inside joke, or "remember the time when..." the WAS will note it, even if only subconsciously.
Every time the children see their biological parent/ LBS and shares a good memory with the WAS parent, the WAS will wonder...
Every time a happy memory pops up, whether it is triggered by a song, a holiday, a place, or a mutual friend, the WAS will question the decision to leave...
when they interact with the LBS and the LBS shows change & inner contentment,
AND or when the LBS is with an OP themselves, the WAS will wonder about the decision to leave...
This^^^ does not mean they will decide they made the wrong choice AND OR decide to end their R with AP - or to admit it to the LBS...
But it is reasonable to assume that when those moments of looking back occur, it won't be guilt that prods them to reveal their doubts;
it'll be an attractive LBS whom they miss.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So one of the soccer moms came up to me tonight and told me how good I looked and they didn't recognize me this year. I had not seen her since the spring when I had a beard, grey hair, etc. she told me that she commented to my wife the same last week. How about that ad a 180 for you!!
Yeah, the LBS diet/makeover is a positive, isn't it? I had friends who I hadn't seen for a year who didn't recognise me and walked past me in the street...! And nicely, the feedback is always that I look much younger and more glam LOL (even when it didn't feel like that inside)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
So one of the soccer moms came up to me tonight and told me how good I looked and they didn't recognize me this year. I had not seen her since the spring when I had a beard, grey hair, etc. she told me that she commented to my wife the same last week. How about that ad a 180 for you!!
J9,
That's a great confidence builder for sure. However, I noticed your 180s are usually built around your physical appearance. Odds are your physical appearance is not the reason your wife fell out of love with you.
What 180s are you implementing regarding personal growth? better listener? Validating? Empathizing?
My W actually did tell me I got fat before she left and that turned her off so that is why I have placed more of an emphasis on my overall appearance. She also told me that she was tired of me sitting on the coach on my computer as well.
Below are some of things she said to me before she left. She never once complained about how I treated her, listened, etc. She said I am a good provider and new I would always take care of her and the kids.
In my readings I know I have nice guy traits, not all apply but my opportunities are to speak my mind/express my feelings more often, stand up for what I believe in and learn to say "no" to her more often. Also to get a life outside of the marriage.
1. You were a safe choice 2. You are content I am not 3. I know you will love me for the rest of my life and there are 95 reasons why I should want to be with you but something is missing. 4. She complained that I wore my socks and underwear to often without washing them. 5. I had anxiety issues and told me I should do something about it vs just continuing to accept it. 6. She complained about our dogs and wanted them gone. 7. She wanted hardwood floors and said I stopped doing projects around the house.
1 more LH....she also felt like I didn't challenge her to be a better person which could be tied to my own personal development with advancing the relationship or helping her grow as a person.
Thanks LH, I always thought that but could never confirm it. Not sure if EA or PA but whatever it is something has got in her head. So that is why I have always ensured that I am taking care of myself physically and staying active since that is what the majority of her complaints were about.
So I assume I am back to square one with waiting it out and letting it run it's course since we are already S or I get tired and file for D myself?
sorry, anxiety. I need to get better about answering questions. The anxiety comes from confrontation which I generally shy away from. Another NG trait.....I quit drinking coffee and that seems to have helped a lot with also getting into IC. I manage a large team at work and dealing with the personnel decsions stresses me out at times.
sorry, anxiety. I need to get better about answering questions. The anxiety comes from confrontation which I generally shy away from. Another NG trait.....I quit drinking coffee and that seems to have helped a lot with also getting into IC. I manage a large team at work and dealing with the personnel decsions stresses me out at times.
Same here. I don't have much anxiety about it, but I am bad at dealing with conflict and confrontation, and I do manage a team as well. This is what I am doing to get better in dealing with difficult conversations:
1. Always keep eye contact. 2. Never make it about the person. Stick to issues on tasks and processes. 3. Always keep my cool. 4. Practice what I might say because I know a difficult conversation is going to be needed. 5. Stick by my decisions, but communicate that I am open to being persuaded.
I have tried meditation once and I struggled with it. I wanted to try it again or maybe even some yoga. The gym I belong to offers free classes with my membership. I just need to pick a night and go in between lifting.
I thought about getting on some medication, not really a pill person but it would probably help.
I know I am early.....I assume since we are S it is either I take care of myself and wait it out or file for D myself?
Try guided meditation if you didn't. Insight Timer app (thanks for 25 and Leah for suggesting it) has some really good ones. It really helped me to "grasp" how to think about it. I had big preconceptions about meditation but after just two weeks or so, I swear by it and do it daily for 10-60 minutes. I can now "go inside my brain" without the guiding and automatically breath slower. A really good help for dealing with stress. And it really "builds up" with physical changes of altering the brains.
I FEEL the difference it makes. It seems to be a really strong way of reducing anxiety. It also seems to have the added benefit of motivation, at least for me. It sort of "trains my brain", hard to explain.
Add self pep talk with joyful actions (emotion is motion) as guided by Tony Robbins. Say stuff to yourself, don't just think. Also, find some time to just go through what you are grateful of and what are you going to succeed doing in the coming day. Really powerful tools.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Joseph, first I'll say it before Cadet does, time for a new thread
Second, you are doing fantastic! Seriously, you are a model of DBing. Nice work. Keep it up! I do want to offer a warning that -hopefully- is unneeded, but in my sitch I felt like I was doing really well and others did too, then about 2 or 3 months after BD (which is around where you are) I inexplicably went into deep depression and started having terrible anxiety attacks. I had never had an anxiety attack in my life and it scared the heck out of me. It all came out of nowhere and I went from feeling like I had almost fully recovered to feeling like I didn't want to live anymore. I felt like a zombie with no soul, like inside me was just a black hole. The people here encouraged me to seek medical help and I did and got on A/D's and that may have literally saved my life. A couple months later I was feeling very much like my normal self, and a few months after that a weaned off of them and never looked back.
Anyway I am not the only one that has happened to. A few other people have reported a sudden plunge into depression around the 2-4 month mark post BD. If it happens then get help. But hopefully it won't
