I think the 'knowing' can have implications in terms of divorce processes in different jurisdictions, so that is one way of looking at it.
For me, the knowing is important if W ever wants to recon. I want the full truth and nothing but the truth, and have all my questions answered.
In my sitch, I have absolutely no proof that there is any form of A. I think there was some EA stuff going on possibly with a guy for a bit, and that W went out on a coffee date to feel out the dating world, but nothing else besides that. The guy with who W possibly had a short EA turned out to be a piece of garbage and W was really rattled.
The knowing only made me more angry because she said that the S is not because she is looking for some other guy - I'm not sure how true that is, but because I don't have any real evidence, I half believe her.
Would my DB tactics change if she was in a EA/PA - absolutely. I think I would go dark even further and pull back even more. But what I am doing so far has been working, at least for me, so I can take comfort knowing that.
Not much new on my sitch. My oldest D had soccer practice at 8 am this morning and my W wanted to come watch. 8 am is pretty early for her so it shocked me that she wanted to attend. She was even nice enough to bring me coffee. Which I politely declined as I quit drinking coffee, it was 1 of my goals and obviously she didn't know.
We just chatted about kid stuff as our youngest was sitting between us. Nothing about our R or D and I felt very comfortable and confident around her. It didnt feel wierd and I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells. She wasn't overly chatty you could tell a little standoffish not overly warm but I didn't let it bother me.
Any way not much else going on this weekend. I just got done mowing the yard, will prob take the girls swimming this afternoon and we have church tomorrow. Have a good weekend!
I really like that update because she brought you coffee and you showed her an interesting change in you, even though a small thing, but still something different.
The other thing is how you felt so confident and comfortable around her and not walking on eggshells. I am getting there too.
A quick question - if I remember correctly, you had a session with a DB coach. Who was it and did you like their approach and was it useful for you? Thanks.
Yeah, I felt pretty good about that however I know she still doesn't give a crap right now . I just remind myself to not get caught up on every interaction and that I really can't do anything wrong outside of pursuing and talking about our R or D. I think I also realized the quicker I can get to a point of confidence the better off I will be.
I had a weak moment to myself after kid drop off this morning. The exchange was quick, I really didn't expect anything or do anything wrong but I felt rushed for some reason. Then as I was driving away I felt a wave of sadness and anger come over me. Not sure why but I guess it is just a reminder that I am not out of the woods yet. I will see her again tonight as my youngest has practice and she asked me to go.
I signed up for 3 sessions and my coach is Leny. The first session I just debriefed her on my sitch and she told me my W is experiencing the garden variety MLC. She told me to keep on doing what I am and to treat her like a close personal friend. That advice is a little different than the board suggests about a friendly neighbor.
2nd session we just discussed the updates and she asked me to write a validation letter but to not send it.
I guess it was good to hear that I am doing the right things but since these situations take such a long time to resolve it's probably best to schedule them around something major happening in your sitch. I also go to IC every 3 weeks so it might be a little overkill. So for me I don't think it is critical but my sitch might be a little different since we are already separated. Others who are not and they are trying to navigate their way through detaching, etc. while the spouse is in the same house might benefit more since there is much more interaction.
Thanks for giving your perspective on the Coach. I just booked some sessions today as I am in this weird vortex right now in my sitch and dunno what to do moving forward. I am updating my thread this afternoon. Dunno what's the right move.
I think you will find the coaches offer a softer approach while most of the vets take more of a hard line stance. I really believe my W wants this perfect co-parenting relationship which is the reason why she send me text pictures of the kids or informational emails about school or whatever. She wants us to be like Gweneth and Chris Martin with this conscious uncoupling stuff. I am just trying to stick to my same approach which I know will ultimately get me now where if there is OM or the fantasy of one in the picture.
Yeah, I believe my W has this fantasy of a co-parenting relationship that is full of unicorns and rainbows, and that we'll be great friends - which i think is a load of horse manure.
I just want to Yoda this MR: "Do or Do Not. There is No Try."
Mine is not trying but I don't expect her to. I just spent an hour with her at soccer practice, I went after my work out of chest and biceps. I felt great, had the blood pumping, just made small talk, etc. discussed some finances around going back to School stuff for the kids but nothing major outside of that. She is so far gone it's not even funny....I have no idea what will wake her up but it's obviously not going to be my gym body .
Yeah, I believe my W has this fantasy of a co-parenting relationship that is full of unicorns and rainbows, and that we'll be great friends - which i think is a load of horse manure.
It's not for everyone but it can be done. XW and I continued (and still do) to go to all the kids' events, we drive separately but sit together. The kids have told us both how much they appreciate it when they look into the stands or into the audience and see us sitting together in support of them. On their birthdays we go out to dinner together and have them open their presents at one house or the other. I think before I was divorced I wouldn't have thought it was possible to get along as friends, and I think I even said as much here. But after you get past all the emotional turmoil of BD, S and D it is possible to find a neutral relationship with your ex where you can do stuff together for the kids without it being awkward or uncomfortable. Again I'm not suggesting it works for everyone or that anyone should even try it if they don't want to, I'm just saying it -is- possible.
Stander....QQ. I have struggled with this in my current sitch because I don't want my W to view me as a friend. Would you advise taking this route while we are going through this with separation/divorce? In the back of my mind if I give her this awesome co-parenting relationship right now will that do more harm to me right now since it will make her feel that everything will be alright and eliminate any hope of our family being put back together?
. I just remind myself to not get caught up on every interaction and that I really can't do anything wrong outside of pursuing and talking about our R or D. I think I also realized the quicker I can get to a point of confidence the better off I will be.