Thanks all, I think we will start off with the week at a time. With school activities, games and face time we will get to see plenty of each other. I do agree that the kids and what's best for them come first and I definitely don't want them to feel as though they are living out of suitcases. While my sitch with the W will work out 1 way or another I know I must be strong since I will probably see more of her and make sure I am cordial, polite, respectful and to not engage in relationship talk unless she starts.
Need some guidance........W moved out 3 weeks after telling me she wanted a D. All the signs are there that there is an OM but when I initially did some snooping, right after she moved out, I could not find any proof (it's been over 2 mths said she wanted a D and about 2 mths of separation). Since reading Sandi's posts about not snooping I have stopped and I must say it has been good for my sanity/detaching. Should I continue to not snoop? If something has started up with an OM after she has already moved out and have separated should I hold that against her? Obviously at this point in time the consequence would be for me to file for D and not wait for her. I read a lot about blowing up the A, exposing it and that is the only way to success. To not sit in limbo, be passive etc. which is a little different than detach, 180, GAL and don't snoop. Just would like some input. Thanks!
Joseph, my two cents. Don't snoop. It is insanity-inducing. Assume there is an OW and that it began before she left (if you are still married and didn't have an agreed separation what's the difference). Decide based on that whether you could ever forgive her. If you know you wouldn't and don't want to be married, then file. If you aren't sure. Wait it out (but don't snoop--that's for you).
Need some guidance........W moved out 3 weeks after telling me she wanted a D. All the signs are there that there is an OM but when I initially did some snooping, right after she moved out, I could not find any proof (it's been over 2 mths said she wanted a D and about 2 mths of separation). Since reading Sandi's posts about not snooping I have stopped and I must say it has been good for my sanity/detaching. Should I continue to not snoop? If something has started up with an OM after she has already moved out and have separated should I hold that against her? Obviously at this point in time the consequence would be for me to file for D and not wait for her. I read a lot about blowing up the A, exposing it and that is the only way to success. To not sit in limbo, be passive etc. which is a little different than detach, 180, GAL and don't snoop. Just would like some input. Thanks!
Hello Joseph9,
I agree with OwnIt. I would hold off on snooping at this point. DB strategies do not advocate blowing up the A and going the exposure route. I would recommend discussing your thoughts on this with your DB Coach.
Focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Joseph9 and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Ok another question with regards to DBing. I guess I just want to make sure this is normal or expected. I feel like I am getting farther and farther away from my W. It feels like she is also Dbing me. I don't contact her and she doesn't contact me unless it is something related to our daughters. Is this normal? Should there be some sort of communication?
I would also say that it seems to me that she is getting more angry with me or not being as communicative with me either the more serious I got about DBing. She stopped sending me text messages of our girls which she used to do when I was probably more emotionally available to her. Is this part of manipulation or her trying to pull back to see if I will respond?
That is normal. The only way your situation is going to turn around is if you give her the time and space to miss you.
By doing this one of two things are going to happen:
1. She misses you and wants to reconcile. 2. She doesn't miss you and wants a D but at that point your life will be so awesome and you will be so detached you will realize you do not need or want her anymore.
The key to it all getting out and doing awesome things that she might eventually want to join you in.
Hey Joseph. My take on this is that you can gently test the waters to see how she responds to something. But, maybe some of the veterans here can give better advice. I like what LH19 said, but sometimes you don't know if you're pushing her away further or if this is the worse part before it may get better.
If this is super wrong, others with more experience chime in.
Because some time has passed, I would maybe ask her something very general when you see her next to do kid exchange. Something like 'how are you doing'? See how she responds. and then leave it at that. But, just something small. I wouldn't do it over text, because very hard to read what's going on with a text.
I dunno man. I feel like it's important to see if something is working or not. You said that she almost wanted to say something last time you saw her. Maybe do one more exchange like you've been doing with DB and see how it goes. And then maybe the next time around do something small.
You know I've not been doing this for long so my take might just be wrong, and that maybe I am a bit impatient at times. Take what I said with a grain of salt and see what others say.
