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I have always admired you, thank you so much for coming back to post an update. You have me smiling at your strength and courage, and for making your life what you wanted it to be. You may not know how much you helped in giving me strength back in my early days of posting here, so thank you for that.

I really enjoyed reading your update and so happy you finally got to hear those words of regret from your Xh.

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Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Bea and MLeigh!

Hey Ladies :-)

Sorry Bea that he's gone back to being a D-bag. Happy to hear about the Grandbaby though!!! You gave me such inspiration to keep trucking. You were one of the lights at the end of the tunnel--showing me life could be calm and happy. So grateful for the example of calm, financially successful and settled. Thank you.

M--

Back Atcha :-) Remember that time you weren't living in your own house because YOUR D-bag didn't feel much like being married anymore. Then, you moved back. Very ballsy. You are the poster child for grace under pressure.

Thanks for the kind words.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hi Heather! You sound so great. It warms my heart. I'm so happy for you and your girls. You are truly amazing and have trekked where many haven't. That is inspiring and awesome.

Hope your girls are great. Thanks for always being a sounding board and voice of reason and perception for me. Love ya, girl.

And you heard from bea!! Awwwwww.... smile

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Strange happenings...

My mom was in an accident and fractured her skull in three places. She was med-vac-ed to a hospital and has been the ICU Neurology Dept. for the past seven days.

I went home for a week. It was draining and horrible, and all the awful that a family emerg. like this brings.

Mom is recovering, but it's going to be a long journey. She is off the vent and recognizes us all, but has a long way to go.

I'm drained. Happy to be home, back in my safe routine. Trying to pace myself, as I catch up to work and all I have to do right now.

Mom never divorced her abusive husband, the one who abused us all as teens and children... They've lived apart for five years, but never finished the divorce... A warning to all. This means that this sociopathic, abusive man is her decision maker. Have already checked with attorneys to see if we can make adjustments if he pushes against what my sister and brother and I want.

This is the reality check my mom never took to heart. He has the power to bring her home to his home. I'm glad I divorced my sociopathic H.

On that note: Sociopathic H showed up with a cup of coffee last week at my mom's apartment. Very nervous, very small looking and very kind. Said OW is psycho. Said he watched my grandmother's funeral from across the street back in February and visited her grave after the funeral when everyone left. Told me I was right about OW. Said he was Psycho too, and revealed a tremendous amount of research he has performed about the area where we live. Has looked into whether his professional credentials would transfer, and said he misses us all...

Told me, "Seeing you and talking to you felt right. I'm putting myself out on a limb. It felt right, and it hasn't felt that way in a long time. I miss that."

He has broken ties with his very toxic mom. He told me she is toxic. That's something I would have paid 2 bill for back 10-20 years ago. He also alluded to the fact she pushed him hard to make some of the divorce decisions he made. Not that he blamed her, or didn't take responsibility... just made it clear she was in his ear. A very controlling, weird woman, sorta in love my exH.

Communicating with me daily. Called me first thing this morning. Wasn't happy to see the dating app on my phone.

I'm not even going to a place where I'm analyzing any of this. My mom and my life is my first priority. He seems to be waking up though. Seems to be heading in this direction for the past year or so.

The great news?? I'm so okay it's kinda frightening. I was okay seeing him. The PTSD wasn't bad at all. I felt in control of myself, my emotions, my kids, my life.

I'm good whether this guy wakes up, or not... And, looking at him, not sure he is my type now. Skinny, old-looking, weathered, not okay in his skin...

I prefer them outdoorsy, late 30s, strong, tall and able to scoop me up and kiss me with some passion.

NO matter what, though, I'm happy he says he's trying to get clean, quit smoking and is no longer involved with roommate, but I believe they are still living together... I didn't ask for details. Don't really want to know right now. He has a long way to go before I would accept him back into my glorious life.

Glad for my girls.

Morals to take from this story:

1. Protect yourself from the psycho MLC-er legally/financially. Don't let this go on so long and leave yourself unprotected. We are paying the price for my mom's issues.

2. Don't try to imagine what's running through their head. It was obvious to me that this man was absolutely WACKADOO while in replay. He wasn't thinking. He was living on pure emotion and drug/alcohol abuse. He said he was psycho. He was. HE still is. Not sure where he'll land, but he seems to be coming back to earth a bit...headed in this direction at least.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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P.S. This MLC stuff is 100-percent the truth. Traumatized children will play out that trauma and abandonment and abuse and, in our case, sexual abuse/emotional parental entanglement, into adulthood. It's been 5.5 years. Whether he comes back or not, he seems to be working this childhood trauma out in a way that works for him. With TONS of shame and guilt laid on top.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I am so sorry to read about your mother. I hope she makes a full recovery and can get back to her "normal" life. She's going to have lots of time to think about things and I do hope that at some point, she will finally divorce the jerk or do a proper will that states exactly what she wants done w/regards to estate and funeral. No telling what the jerk would do.

Now, about your xh...I sincerely hope he doesn't move to your area. You and your girls needs the distance from him. It sounds like things haven't been going his way and he sees that you and the girls are truly happy and have moved on. He knows that you've grown by leaps and bounds and your self confidence is attracting him like the candle does a moth. Sure, he can talk all he wants about what he's doing to make things right within himself...but until he does the "walk" for a very long period of time, I would take what he says w/a grain of salt. As the old saying goes, "the proof is in the pudding". Just remember...over the years and not just the MLC years, he put you and the girls through a lot...he would have to do a whole heck of a lot of growing up and hard/necessary work to earn your trust and respect back.

You've come a long way and it sounds like you've taken in all that we've talked about over the years and now understand that MLC does exist and how the childhood emotions are stunted and then played out at a later time.

For now, continue as you have been. I'm so very proud of you. You are like the phoenix...you rose from the ashes and are soaring these days.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job...

Here's where I could use some guidance. My gut says he is coming to a bit, but is very fragile.

Still, I like the life I've created. Asheville is a magical, healing place for us and I want it stay that way.

He alluded to wanting to surprise me with something for my birthday next week.

How do I broach this subject carefully, with compassion? Both girls are opening their hearts to him a little.

Bottom Line:

1. I don't want to be the replacement woman for OW... just as OW was a replacement for me.
2. I don't want to bludgeon his progress, especially for the girls' sake.
3. I don't want him here until he has shown many months of sobriety and is in therapy, preferably with a 12-step program too. Asheville needs to remain safe.

I'm not doing his 3-step waltz, where he comes back, does half the work, then rattles our world again.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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No surprise moves to Asheville. We've worked hard to get to where we are, and I don't want someone who is trying to ride our coat-tails now that things are finally going our way. That will not be disturbed, altered or rocked in any way, shape or form.

We need to see him doing the work on himself, before taking any steps in this direction. A lot of damage was done. We all have PTSD coming out the ears. I'm not putting our girls through any more just because he is finally getting honest about what he gave up.

Thanks. That helped. I've shelved all this, while my mom was critical. Today, they pulled out the feeding tube. I think I'm gaining some clarity, and realizing we may be in store for at least a visit... I need to set some firm boundaries.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I would wait and see what the surprise is. If it's a visit, he stays in a hotel and not in your safe haven space. You are under no obligation to share your life w/him...only share what is necessary where the girls are concerned. They can tell him about what they are doing now since they are older and wiser.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. You know the drill...they come close when they are at loose ends when they split from the OW and if the OW contacts them...off they go again. I do not want to see you hurt/disappointed and keep those expectations at zero and look to him as a long lost cousin.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Okay. I'm going to focus on how unlikely it is he will actually do the work. I hurt for our youngest though, who is opening her heart a bit.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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