Sending you hugs (((Pax))). I am with you on feeling jealous of friends and family in relationships. . More so in the early days but every now and again the green eyed monster comes calling and I want to stamp my feet and say WHY ME or WHY NOT ME!!
Hang in there Pax..
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I'll tell you what has helped me and that's to think of life as cyclical. We had really happy wedding days as other couples were breaking up. We're just recovering as someone else discovers infidelity. We may happily start dating as another relationship is on the wane. It is all just ebbs and flows. Some people are lucky enough to have happy relationships, others not, others are happy now but may not be later - who knows. Anyway, it helps me to see things in this way - nothing is fixed and everything shifts over time. I'm not saying I want others to be unhappy who are happy now - just that for us all - life unfolds as it will.
I read a great article recently. We can't post links but if you google mind body green and three loves. Love of self, love for others (friends, family) and doing things you love, that bring flow. If we follow this path, happiness will never be too far away - whether we are in a romantic relationship or not.
Have a lovely weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Pax, It makes me cringe too, that FB thing. But I always kind of thought it was too much when married people went on there like they were talking to each other! Heck, they were probably in the same room, or at least house. But I WILL ADMIT, I didn't mind when H would go on there and post something about me. It was rare, b/c he was not a big FB fan, but he knew I was, so he made the effort. THOSE make me sad, when they pop up randomly like, Here's your memory from five years ago! WTH?
Anyway, don't feel bad about your feelings. They are real. And I think oftentimes, FB is NOT.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hi All, I'm back on even footing. It was another turn of the LBS dial.... Just taking another step forward and not looking back.
This is going to be a long post because you all made such poignant and thoughtful replies. Thank you for the kind reminder that none of us are in it alone.
Bttrfly, I agree. We did not come this far to dropped now. I do believe there will be great light in the future for all of us. I guess my inpatience is getting the better of me right now as well. Additionally, my shriveling geriatric eggs are in the forefront of my mind right now, too. So if my future baby daddy/ husband could just show up at my doorstep, that would be great. I'm joking... But..... Ya know!
Pinn- I feel like we have a secret handshake now! Thanks for your post. Yes, I did not feel loved by ex and I now realize I wasn't loved by ex. He was infatuated, yes, but he didn't love me. I knew he wasn't capable of real love in his life, but I thought I was the exception. He had tons of FOO issues.... Maybe I thought I could fix them. Loving him was a challenge and I got burned by it. Our MC told me I was never going to be enough for him. She was right.
But I am enough for me and that's all I need.
Ciluzen. Thank you for the post. I had to nod in agreement with everything. My ex Was kind of similar when it came to holidays and gifts. It wasn't so much for the commercialization... He simply "did not believe in sentimentality". Those were his exact words. It would drive me crazy when he felt obligated to buy a gift.. He would go into a store and buy the first thing he saw. It had no meaning or relevance to the receiver. He was simply checking off a box. I remember one Valentine's Day he bought me some plain t shirts. I was so hurt by this. Not because of the gesture... But because I hate t shirts and he knew it!!! I have a boxy athletic figure and I feel man-ish in a t shirt. I wear tanks and blouses. He couldn't even explain why he chose them for me. Ohhhhh and don't get me started on my engagement ring. He picked up a diamond from a friend. He thought it was a good price for the quality. Again.... Didn't even consider the fact that it was supposed to be a meaningful piece of jewelry that symbolized our commitment to each other. Honestly, I hated it. I brought it up a couple times and I was made to feel bad that it wasn't good enough for me.
And now I know that my feelings were all based on expecting him to be something/feel something he wasn't capable of.
re: settling- I think I'm going to have to make a whole separate post on this because it's complex. I'm playing the game of "detached dating" and by this I mean "I do me" and "you do you" and I'm not going to get caught up in any behaviors/dynamics that may lead to enmeshment or codependence. But I'm wondering if I'm ignoring negative behaviors because Im not letting the guy get to me? More on this later.
Cil, I'm sorry you have the same fears with settling that I do. However, I am glad you have so much going on that you don't have to focus on this at all. Just continue being your awesome self.
Coly, thanks for the hugs! Ugh. Jealousy is a b! But if we can manage it by checking our egos, we will surely be learning a far greater lesson. I wish these lessons came with some sort of immediate incentive, though! A Starbucks gift card from the universe, perhaps? Ha!
Sotto, thank you. I envision you as this warrior goddess who always comes in with the calm and effective feedback. I appreciate you. Thanks for bringing up the cyclical vision. It's true.... There are so many ebbs and flows in life and it's happening with everyone. I'll have to get Googley and look for your suggestion. Thanks again.
LeahSue- thanks for dropping by. I've been following your thread over in new comers. Yes, social media is the worst sometimes. I've listened to so many podcasts that should give me perpective, but I choose to ignore it! Social media is the platform by which we want the world to perceive us. We want to show our success stories. As such, those following the stories start to feel bad that their life isn't going the same way... And we need not to go down that rabbit hole. However, you are right, FB is not real!
Ok... That's all I got for now. Hope you are all doing fab. Xoxo.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
So I just re-read my post and I had to laugh at what I shared. (I post from my phone which is why it's more of a stream of consciousness). The man bought me t-shirts for crying out loud! <--- I feel like this should be the MLCer talking and justifying their actions.
I swear the gift was fine. I was just hurt by the fact that I knew he didn't consider "me" in that gift at all. Alright... Back to regular programming.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
My H was a great gift buyer, and what made him good was that they were always about 'me', things I liked that sometimes I didn't even know he knew I liked. Don't think he bought me a bum gift in 18 years.
(Of course I do know have a STBXH who will ignore our anniversary and treat my birthday as no longer worth acknowledging, as he did last year.)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Damn Pax... all that from your phone?!?... and not one mistake to be found? When I post (or do any communication from my phone) it is a mess. That's a sign of being lazy and I do not like that. New goal for Pin.... re-read everything before hitting send from my phone... be more like Pax!
Glad you are feeling better. Super interested on your post on dating and settling. You are ahead of me, but I have been thinking a lot about the future and how I want to handle the dating thing so I am heading into similar waters. I def do not want to settle but at the same time I do not want to shut someone out because I find one thing little wrong. I like stats and it is a 50-50 shot on getting divorced in a first marriage... everyone knows that. But the stats on a second marriage ending in divorce that has at least one partner who was divorced prior is way higher... like 65%ish. Yikes! How is that possible? Is it because most people do not do the work to get to the root of their issues? Or rush into the next thing too quickly? What about people like us? Are we more likely to have a happy marriage in the future because we have done a bit of work? hmph! Sorry for the slight hijack.
When we think back, it is amazing sometimes that the WAS did things that really hurt but they had no idea. Like your t-shirt's. On our anniversary, I bought WW a bunch of sentimental gifts and when I went to give them to her... she goes... "oh... we are doing gifts?". And then she runs to the store and gets me like these plain pajama pants. When we were hanging out for a bit the past year, I wore those one time and she goes... "where did you get those?" HAHA! Put my pants and your tee shirts together and we have a killer DB'ing outfit!
I've been riding some small emotional waves this week and stupid me watched a show this evening that triggered a lot of things in me. Was thinking about ex a lot and how I've allowed him to treat me and the downfall of our commitment. I found myself sobbing on the couch just so so sad over many things.
I thought to myself... This is not ok! Get it together girl! So I gathered my notebooks/ DB toolkit to review some learnings and epiphanies and just get myself together.
I decided to read back through my pages and pages of notes that I had taken early on in the situation as a refresher of key points and, truthfully, I'm stunned by how far I've come. Holy moly!
But that's not why I'm posting....
Back when i was still a wreck over everything, I visited a few....ummm... Helpers. Ok... Truth is.... I had a tarot reading, a psychic reading, and a visit with a spiritual guide/ psychic. Don't judge! What can I say? I needed answers! Even if I wasn't sure that I was a believer, I always felt a lot better after a reading. It was cheaper than therapy
So.... I am floored right now, because the spiritual guide/psychic was SPOT ON! I am very studious so I took notes on everything.... And yep.... There it was on paper... Timelines, actions, etc. all spot on! How crazy is that!? I need to set up another appointment with her!
Agh- chills. My appt was back in january 2016 and she laid out everything that I am experiencing with this divorce. At that time I still had hope that we were going to make it work. Divorce wasn't even on the table (yet). but she let me know that we were going to get divorced and to be careful because ex was going to contest everything. Keep in mind..... She knew NOTHING of my sitch. She could just see the tremendous about of sadness surrounding me.
There's more stuff, too but I'm afraid if I put it out in the universe, my spirit guides will get mad. Ha ha... I'm only halfway joking! I have nothing but love and respect for you, spirit guides! (Just in case they're listening:-) )
Soooo crazy. It's chilling!!
Just had to pop in and share!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
