Act Now or Cry Later

[Gordie]

HaWho: 3 years??? Wow. I only lasted one. I say this only because I can’t imagine another two bears of the in house MLC crazy. I am always encouraged by your ability to maintain your own sanity and sense of normal for your kids. You are an amazing woman. And 3 years of restless sleep? That in and of itself takes a toll. I know it does on me. Truly, I wish a better year ahead for you. I am happy for the positive changes he is showing.

[roist]

Best wishes hawho. Glad you got through that anniversary well. Let's see where we are at for no. 4!! Until then keep living as best you can

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho, yes it does hurt to think back to those times around BD for sure. When we are so confused and blindsided - not understanding why our M's seem to be slipping through our fingers like sand...

You (and we all) have certainly come a long way since BD and the direction of travel is a good one. I read somewhere recently that the MLC journey is so much worse than the LBS journey and I do believe that is so true.

It must help to have some nice little moments with your H in amongst the other bits. When they happen, it is good to participate and 'reward' (sorry can't find a better word) I think. Your H certainly doesn't seem to be going anywhere or with anyone - unlike most - so that always makes for interesting reading. In many ways it is easier if the MLCer scoots off and is gone as in my situation - so I do applaud you for how you handle things.

I'm glad to read you are indulging in some nice treats too my lovely - you deserve it! Xxx

[mleigh4]

Hi HW. Glad to hear you made it through year 3. I wonder how long before we are able to get past anniversaries and holidays without all those traumatic flash backs. It really does take its toll, I pray each year gets easier for us.

How was your Thanksgiving? So happy to hear you are finding ways to pamper and put yourself first.

Enjoy your day off with the boys

M

[HaWho]

Oh, I had a response typed out and then somehow lost it. Argh.

Now, an abridged update. Thanks Gordie, Roist, Sotto and Mleigh.

Mleigh - my Thanksgiving was good, thanks for asking. Here's an update:

My nephew just moved 2 hours from me so I invited him for Thanksgiving. I told h to hire a cleaner for his so So gross bathroom that has not been cleaned in 10 months (and no, that "10" was not a typo). He hired a cleaner for the whole house! I thanked him. Those poor cleaners that had to clean his bathroom. Yikes.

He was more present in comparison to when my sisters visited and when my niece visited. He was not the zombie he was back then. But the day of Thanksgiving he was very very quiet.

A few weeks ago he hired someone to haul away all the junk he's accumulated. He seems more aware of his surroundings. He notices messes more. He used to be very house proud.

This week he texted me saying we needed to get a Christmas tree. He loves this time of year. Years ago he had the same tree up in his room until July and another year he played Christmas music on Easter!

Here is something interesting: he is watching old movies again. He grew up watching them. He said it was the only normal side of life he saw. Of course, it's not at all a realistic view of life. Maybe he is back in that part of his childhood?

I continue to do things for me. Last week I went to see a movie and took the afternoon to myself. It was divine!

[OwnIt]

It will be interesting to see if he continues to keep up his bathroom or whether he slides back into his filth.

I so look forward to your posts because the detachment is evident and is helpful to see not only how the MLCer moves forward, but how you can really navigate this with kindness and distance (despite being so much closer physically than many of us).

[job]

HaWho,

I was wondering how Thanksgiving went this year. LOL! Well, it appears that your dorm child has taken a few steps closer to the world of reality. Hauling away the junk he had accumulated? Now, that's a huge step in the right direction. Yep, he's waking up just a wee bit. Encourage and thank him when he does this stuff.

Oh, my, I sure do remember the Christmas Tree and the music being played beyond the holiday season. It will be interesting to see how this holiday season goes.

If he's watching old movies again, maybe the holiday season is bringing about a change in him this year. We'll see as the season continues to approach.

I'm so glad to read that you are still doing things for yourself.

Keep up the good work!

[peacetoday]

Hi

You do a great job helping him navigate through the crises while still focusing on you


Really hope he will make it to the other side!

[HaWho]

Thanks Ownit, Job and Peace for the support.

Job - h is significantly less cheery this holiday season. Usually he peps up this time of year but so thus far. On the contrary he has seemed very irritable and quite irrational. It reminds me of the year building up to BD. Except, I see it for what it is and unlike before, I don't engage for even a nano second. And also, he seems to self correct later.

Here's an example. I forgot s had an altered schedule one day. I asked h to help as it makes way more sense schedule-wise for him to do so. It only puts him out 30 minutes whereas It makes me 1 1/2 hours late to work. So I asked h to help. His answer: "too many things come up at the last minute. No, s can walk to school." S is kind of close enough that he could walk except he was just getting over being really, really sick. So I told h this. (As he lives downstairs he does not know that son was up and down several nights, coughing and feverish.) And this was the first day he was well enough to go to school; I didn't want him pushing it by walking. So I told him this. H's answer: "there are too many last minute changes in the schedule, s just needs to figure it out himself. I went to school sick all the time." Lovely.

So I repeated back exactly what h said and asked I had this right. (Secretly I was hoping that when he heard it back he'd hear how stupid it was and re-calibrate.) Nope. He told me this was all correct. Me: "okay" and walk away. So I told s I'd go to work late and take care of it for him.

By the time I was back from walking the dog, h had texted me saying he'd help. And later that day, he texted me to say s was having warm soup, lots of veggies and a healthy fruit drink. I praised h.

There have been about 3 or 4 scenarios like this. He starts off super cranky and irrational. He acts out of spite. And then self corrects the scenario and makes sure I know it.

Now h has caught it, is quite sick, and that's been interesting to watch too. He's a distancer when he's sick. He gets cranky and doesn't really allow help. I swear he recreates his childhood; a scenario where no one cares for him and then he makes it clear he's uncared for. Very PA. Like if I offer him tea he says no and then simultaneously makes his own in a super huffy way. It's bizarre to watch. I don't think he realizes what he's doing.

One day I told him he was a cranky old goat of a thing. He smirked and tried not to laugh. But the kids chimed in and said he had a bad attitude. He covered his mouth trying not to smile.

As for me, I've been keeping busy. I am looking forward to seeing family for Christmas as we're going back east.

[OwnIt]

Always love your updates. One of my H’s crazy videos to the kids said jolly was sadness turned outward. Perhaps he was in a better place and could take his jolly mask off.