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#2755162 08/06/17 05:07 AM
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Link to my last thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2754265&page=1

Thanks all for the birthday wishes. So nice to receive them!!

Job - interesting that he's looking for his authentic self. The last week he has made some pronouncement like statements. He says them loudly, almost like he is trying to convince himself?

H used to be friends with older, very steady sorts of guys; men 20 years older. It took me years to connect that it was a father figure thing and these men were even his father's age! Of course this is no longer his peer group in MLC.

Anyway, the other day he announced "all my friends are much older guys." S13 said "no, not really." H said it's always been that way. (Not the last 3 years.) Maybe he is in a time warp?

At dinner the other night he announced that if he won the lottery he'd start orphanages that could really change the world for kids. This one surprised me. He has not shown this level of depth in a lonnnnng time. He said he wanted to help those kids who were stuck in bad home situations where their parents didn't really want them. (I think this is him working through childhood issues; maybe wishing someone rescued him?)

He said (really loudly): "I LOVE to read." (He used to and has in fact started again.) But it's odd how he announces it. He's just missing he bullhorn.

He came into the kitchen and was so excited about something; an idea he had. We had a normal conversation and he was so like his old self. (Don't worry, I don't take it as a sign that he's woken up! Just a moment in time, I know.)

I bought s11 some new sliders. They are one size too big. They've been by the front door for a few weeks now. I bought them larger as the size below was a touch small and I was worried he'd outgrow them.

I took Friday off and had a great day with the kids. In the evening I came home w s11 and two of his friends. H came out of the dorm room and asked whose big shoes were by the door. I answered s11's friend's (not knowing he was talking about the shoes that had been here for weeks). H said they were so big. I said I guess his feet have grown. H went and got the sliders I bought for s13 and asked if they belonged to the friend. I said those were s13's. It's weird he hadn't seen them prior to this.

The hilarious thing? He then went and asked s13 if they were his! And did it right in front of me!!! Like I was lying?

The shoes have been there for weeks! But on my day off he notices them? Does he think I brought a guy into the house with my kids here?!?

I am sitting quiet and carefully listening. I hope some of this may help future LBS who have a live-in MLCer.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Good that he's started to read again. No idea what to make of the pronouncements. Nice that son called him out on his friend delusion. When my kids contradict w she gets really annoyed. Whose shoes are these? Was he trying to be funny / joke with you?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Ha who,

IMHO you will not cry later. The time it takes to go through your stand or your H's mlc will never be gotten back. That is why we don't just sit in a corner pinning waiting for it to pass. Live life with a bigger spoon to use your own words.

I don't think you need to pressure yourself to decide or do anything NOW.It is not now or never. You have no pressure to act immediately.

Now I know as time goes by the accumulated affect can weigh on us. Improvements in H may appear trivial and certainly fall short of being adequate.I believe we should try to minimise that accumulation and try to assess things just on current situation. This is hard to do. If we keep score our spouses will obviously lose. But we do not win.

I am not saying to give H a free pass and forgive/forget everything you have been through. That is another unhelpful option. However allowing the accumulation affect, can only lead to resentment which will not serve you either.

I understand that eventually every lbs with a live in WAS will sooner or later decide enough is enough. It is inevitable and IMO even healthy. I see that as afuture possible reality. It doesn't scare me anymore. I look forward to it. BUT I know it is not just yet. For NOW I have a path to follow. This is our choice. One day we may choose differently.

Wow. And that reply was just in response to your title!!

Thanks for continuing to share your journey.

As for the shoes you could have said you will let him figure out who they belong too. Or ask who he thinks they belong to. If he says something about a male friend,just reply that's interesting. Would do him no harm.to think you may be moving on.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Hi HaWho!
The pronouncements are an interesting thing. My XH has started doing that, too. His are more along the line of (as I've mentioned) "people like me!", "everyone has baggage!", "I'm no saint!".
I do believe those pronouncements have a lot to do with their inner thoughts and turmoil. Whatever it is that they are struggling with, I believe they still have enough of a connection and comfort level with us that they want us to acknowledge their "achievements". Mine still looks for my reaction...and calls more than needed.
In the case of your H, I think he is actually doing the inner work that we did early on...who am I apart from everyone else? What do I really like? What is important to me? As we know, that is a pretty good indicator of someone struggling to find their authentic self. He's trying to grow up.
I can only hope my XH someday gets to that point, for his sake. His pronouncements are more indicative of someone in a different phase. I believe he is trying to actually acknowledge the reality of how he is perceived by others, as I think for years he was overcompensating for his own low feelings about himself by being a "Mr Nice Guy". He's finally realizing that, yes...people do like him even when he's fearful, weak and complaining (his hospital stay and staff reaction), he's perfectly normal in having had baggage from childhood (not something he needs to be ashamed of and hide), and that yeah, he has not behaved well towards others and has made mistakes (he tried to make me or our daughters think we were crazy or sub-standard). Its more like a little boy saying, "I'm a big boy! Look at what I learned!" than "This is who I believe I am as a person, regardless of age or others' reactions to me."

My H is still looking for approval from others, but acknowledging that he is might be somewhat acceptable even with flaws.

Yours seems to be in the next phase: maybe not caring so much what others think of him anymore, but concentrating on figuring out who he actually is. I think you still sticking around even after he's said and done all of the things he has speaks more to that neglected child maybe than you even think. You've even whacked him with a few 2x4s and still taken care of him. Finding what appears to be another man's shoes may have set some wheels in motion within his noggin, too. Apparently, it bothered him.

Keep it up, HaWho. You are magnificent. Who knows what the future holds?


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Gordie - no, he wasn't joking about the shoes. I can tell he wasn't.

Roist - yes! The title of my thread is about eating life with a big spoon. It's not about me deciding today what I am doing about my marriage. I can get lost and cry over this time at a later date when I realize I've wasted years or I can make the most of living. So "act now" is about stepping on the gas pedal of life.

Ciluzen - yikes! Some of those pronouncements read like "Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley" from SNL!!!

So one of my sisters came to visit for a few days. She was last here 1 1/2 years ago and prior to seeing h then she kept downplaying h's depression. Then, when she arrived she was floored and realized that yes, this was a crisis.

H did not hire a cleaning lady for his bathroom instead he cleaned it up himself! It was not really well done; still quite gross really but he straightened up. I thanked him for all his help.

When I arrived w/my sister he was out of his room and immediately joked with her: the same running joke he's always had with her. He asked her questions and was engaged w/her.

When he left the room she was floored and said he seemed so much better: more aware of what was going on around him, regaining his sense of humor and more alert. At times he laughed and it was genuine. He looked her in the eye at times. (And every once in a while he looks me in the eye as well.) I don't talk about him with her. In fact I said I needed to not talk about him as I needed some break from it all. So her read was not biased by me.

Anyway, we had a great visit, though too short. H did not opt to do anything with us when we went out w/the kids. It was funny to watch him make up excuses. But he often offered to help to give us alone time. And that courtesy was different too.

H has been in his room a lot. It was so nice for me to have the adult conversation.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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I am glad your sister came to visit. Her visit provided you w/some "sane" adult conversation for a change. Your h is very good at wearing masks. It must get pretty tiring for him to put on a happy face when around others...but then again, he may be growing up a bit. Let's see how he does in the next week or so since he's back in his dorm room.

At least he was friendly and helped out a bit. I know he cleaned the bathroom and it wasn't up to your standards, but at least he made the effort. Some wouldn't have done a darn thing.

Enjoy your day!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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HaWho,

Your H is obviously doing some inner work and evolving in his dorm room chrysalis. What does it mean? Well, for him...he is going to change. The difference in his behavior between this visit from your sister and the last time is quite large. So...evolving. What does it mean for your relationship? Who knows. But you standing by and not abandoning a person who grew up somewhat neglected, him watching you mother your children...you are playing a huge part in his process simply by being a caring, responsible, and supportive mother to your children while having the patience to put up with his shenanigans. He has not left the house, but you have not given up on him by asking him to leave. If one thinks that it is going unnoticed by him, I believe that one would be mistaken. Not mind-reading here. Its written all over the actions you are describing.

Keep it up, HaWho. It must be so difficult, but you are a raising your children, ALL of them (even the 47 year old), to be authentic, well loved, responsible men. They will learn about love and relationships and strength from you.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Hi HaWho, glad you had a good visit with your sister, and I agree that there sound to be a few more positives coming from your H.

Eating life with a big spoon is a great attitude to have and for those who choose to stand, there is a fine balance between doing so and putting your own life on hold.

Credit to him if he is doing some inner work, and I am glad for him if so. For you, I would merely note and move forward, not attaching any particular expectations.

I too admire how you handle things, and I know that you are going to be just fine however things may unfold in your life.

Very best wishes to you xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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HaWho,

You are the most patient person around here. How do you do it?

For most of us mere mortals, we couldn't put up with it for such an extended period of time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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I think Ciluzen said it all
very well put!


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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