Job, I had the toilet installed by a professional. Drama free and peace of mind. I gave H the bill to chip in half
So Tuesday was my birthday. The night before when I dropped off S with H, H had questions about the beach trip. Where was it, was anyone else going, when would we be back. I pointed out some days before school starts that S needs a place to go and asked if he could take some time off. I said, don't make me play "cat in the cradle". It was a joke, but H got really upset with me. He said that was mean. It was a joke, but being honest with myself, it also comes from a place of anger and disappointment.
The next morning H dropped off S, it was my birthday. He wished me a happy birthday and left for work. This is the first birthday he did not take S shopping to get me a gift. He did the same on Mothers day. I guess we are here now? So I have to ask, how do you guys handle birthdays and holidays with your ex and a child too young to shop on his own? Is this just the norm? Or do I need to continue asking myself, what the h#ll did I do to make him hate me so much???
I did get surprised by phone calls from both MIL and FIL to wish me a happy birthday. FIL also sent a card with cash, just like old times. He signed it "dad" and asked to please do lunch sometime, that he misses me.
Later that day, I brushed off feeling hurt by H. S, dog and I headed to the beach home. It was the perfect get away! I relaxed so much, did whale watching from the deck, took a walk with S and dog on the beach, slept like a baby to the sound of crashing waves....wonderful!!!
While there, H asked for pics, I sent them, and he thanked me. I also did some texting with a new friend. I found myself feeling a little....bothered? Not sure if that is the right word....I wanted to just spend this time with my son. I realised again that maybe I just don't have time for anyone else right now. IDK, seems this is S time. He will grow and be off in his own life, then I can venture out. Yes it's lonely at times, yes I could really use some help, but it's ok. He remains my priority and focus.
Last night my best friend took me out to dinner. After, she wanted me to go back home with her. I hesitate as her H and her always fight! I can't stand it! And sure enough, they got into it, my cue to leave. I will take being alone over a relationship like that any day. And she is one of the biggest pushers for me to meet someone!
Back home now and it feels good. I feel rejuvenated and ready to get back into routine. I hit some more projects, one of them to box up more of H stuff. I have 3 full boxes, all labeled with his name and up on a shelf. While putting things away, I found a card I had given H, a list of all the things I loved so much about him. Funny enough, it brought feelings of happiness, not sadness. I remembered and felt those things, they were real, and how lucky I am to have felt that kind of love! I placed it right on top in one of his boxes.
Today I have devoted to getting rid of the negative energy I have been around this week, and bringing myself into a positive place. Eating healthy, exercise and yoga always do the trick. I am so grateful for what I have, and the good and love around me SO outweighs the bad. Sometimes we need a little reminder of that!
I am pretty confident in saying that the story of H and I is over. I came here with such high hopes that H and I could overcome this, but as we all know, things don't always work out the way you hope. That can be a good thing! It may mean this chapter was a learning experience for what lies ahead....that is what I choose to believe.
Trust in the process, keep an open heart and mind, believe in yourself!
M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Sounds like you and your son had a great time away. The next you are on vacation w/your son, why not take photos, but don't send them to your h while you are away, but rather send them to him once you are home. That way he will miss you and your son more and be even more curious as to what you are doing.
As for him giving you gifts for the holidays, it might be time to think about curtailing some of the "giving" that you do. Now, if you want to give your son a little bit of money to buy something for his father, that's okay...but I wouldn't go over board w/the purchases.
Just my two cents.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job! I agree about the gift giving. Let me be clear, I did not expect anything from H. I did think he would help S out, to help in teaching him how to be thoughtful, but then there I go with expectations of H, a man who has become completely self absorbed.
S is 10, I suppose at his age it should come from his own heart, he is getting older now. He did make a special moment when I pulled out a mini birthday cake at the beach house. I lit a candle, he exclaimed Happy Birthday, make a wish!
I guess I am still adjusting. I too have been pulling back more than ever with H, so it's natural he would too.
I was just in my backyard and noticed the back deck for the boat is gone. I have been wondering when that would disappear now that he brought the boat to his house.....He must have come when we were away. I wonder if he came in the house too. It's just SO CREEPY. I feel weirded out. How did I ever fall for someone who has to sneak to the house that way? He couldn't just say something? I wonder how he would feel if I did the same? I should go take something from his yard! I am just kidding, giggling here, but seriously, who is this guy????
My first reaction was anger, then spooked, then just plain sad for the person he has become. I would never want to be in his shoes. I won't say anything, don't really care and figured it was coming as I always check to see if it is still there.... I am sure he is enjoying the teenage high of thinking he got away with something
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Your h isn't the only one that came sneaking around while you were gone and taking stuff. My xh did that for a few weeks until I caught on and had the locks changed. I probably would have come home to an empty house (no furniture) had I not changed the locks, as his friend had left a message that he had a truck and was willing to help move the furniture out.
They feel so entitled and think that they can do whatever they want w/o consequences. No matter that it's a joint relationship and that you should discuss what goes w/him or not. Oh, they get this little euphoric high for doing stuff like this and trust me, he's waiting for you to say something about it....don't. Take that little high away from him. Let him wonder why you've not mentioned it...but I would suggest that you walk around you home to see if anything else has suddenly vanished.
It's very sad when they do such things. Never in a million years would I have thought my xh would have done the things he did...but he followed the MLC book to the letter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is a weird reminder of how much they have changed Job, isn't it? I figure he is waiting for me to say something, so not going to. I did notice, when I came home from my trip, that the signed poster of the band I just saw was on the ground in the garage. I didn't think much of it, I figured it just fell.
Well, if he came in the house, he saw beautiful red and white roses, balloons, birthday cards, new pictures of me, friends and son up, and new house projects completed. It would have been a reminder that life is going on in the home he left without him. Taking the boat deck may have been his passive aggressive reaction.
Good advise to check around the house, I will do so.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Great to hear from you! Your vacation sounds perfect!!!
Enjoy the last few weeks of summer.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Happy fall everyone! I love that it is cooling down now. I have not been on the boards in a while but I do lurk around once in a while to check up on you guys.
Not a whole lot to update. H seems to consider me a friend again instead of the enemy. I really do feel he has made some progress in knowing I am not out to get him and I have to say he seems pretty happy. I know they can put on masks but I sense a change in him. He doesn't seem so exhausted or stressed, he seems much more relaxed during drop off and pick up with S and is always friendly with me.
He went through a period of asking over and over to take S and I to a new fancy steak house that opened in town. I really didn't want to go with him and S hates eating out so I passed a few times. Then, funny enough, I went for a birthday dinner for a friend. When I mentioned it while dropping off S with him, he actually asked to go! Lol The birthday friend was one of the friends H dropped so he said he would rather not have him there. Understood and agreed! Anyway, H insisted to still take S and I out to dinner sometime. He said he hadn't had a good steak in a long time. I just kept wondering, doesn't he have anyone else to take?? Where are all his friends now?? We finally went and it was,,,,,,boring. I found it a bit awkward, digging for things to talk about, and even the food wasn't as good as normal. I think it was the company, it's just not the same. But of course S and I thanked him for a nice meal. Oh and I mentioned the boat deck was gone from the backyard and hoped he had taken it and it wasn't stolen? He turned white, stammered a bit, but yes he took it. He actually seemed embarrassed about it.
One night at drop off, the day after the Vegas shootings, S and I just got out of my truck and S came out asking us, guess what he got? He was hiding it behind his back, and I know that look on his face, so right away I told S, it's a weapon. We both jumped behind my truck as H pulls out this machine gun looking thing and starts shooting at us! I yelled at him to stop it. Meanwhile, my Windows were down a crack and sure enough a pellet passed through 2 open windows and shot me in the chin. Not knowing what just hit me, I was furious. I can't even describe how angry, mortified and frustrated I felt. H realised what happened and ran over apologising. He explained they are just gel pellets filled with water. I kept my cool, with S by my side, and scolded H to never ever come out of your house shooting anything like that again. He knows better! I still can't believe he did that! A week later I guess his mom was over and he was showing her his new toy and told her about what happened, apparently she grabbed the gun and shot him. He said it hurt. Ha!
H has been doing a lot of reminiscing. He sends me pics and videos of S and us when he was little. He even made me a CD. As much as I love those memories and times, they also are a painful reminder that we are no longer that family and of how S now has to live his life.
So, where do I see H 4 years post B day? Still very self absorbed. All talk is always about him. Still very juvenile mentality. He continues to decorate the outside of his man pad with manly signs, flags, targets and toys. He seems to have gotten work under control, doesn't seem so stressed. He seems to very much want a friendship with me. He rarely gives up any of his time with S and is always open to having him more if needed, but seems to just hang out with him. He doesn't help much with staying on top of school projects or events, buying S clothes or shoes, taking him for haircuts...all that remains my responsibility. Seems he loves having S, but few responsibilities. However he never misses an award ceremony, conference or an open house and will help with anything we ask him to.
Seems to be very happy with his space and himself. I see or hear no sign of remorse or regret for anything that has happened between us.
On to me! I am doing great. I tried the dating thing and have learned that I don't have the time or energy for it and totally accept that in myself. I am 100% sure that all I want right now is to be a mom. And I am Damn good at it! My time will come once S is older to travel, date and explore new things. Right now I am swamped with S, school, work, pets, friends and keeping up my home. And I am OK with that. Rarely am I bored or lonely. I also make sure to take care of and pamper myself with healthy eating, exercise, yoga and a good movie!
I finally took the step to update my kitchen countertops. I love it! I continue to give H any house bills and he pays half with no squabble. I always include him in designs and decisions but he pretty much has let me run with it, which I appreciate.
Life is far from perfect though. I still spin from time to time. I still feel anger every time I have to shuffle S back and forth. I have not forgiven H for his choices. But I have to say, overall, I think H and I are happier these days and that has to be good for S, right? I have a co-worker that is super close with her ex husband. They agreed on doing family trips after the divorce, for the kids, and continue to do so years and years later. They talk all the time and are good friends. It is exactly how I see H and I now and in the future.
Me 4 years post Bday: Much better acquainted with who I am. A better mom than ever. More focused and organized than ever. WAY less stressed or overwhelmed. Closer with my S than ever. Closer with my friends. Appreciate things on a daily basis. Kinder and more patient than ever. Accepting that my marriage is over. Accepting that H remains a part of my life for my S. Still have anger and resentments, have not forgiven, but accept things for what they are. Proud of H and I for both contributing to the amazing little person our son has become.
This experience has me seeing the man I fell in love with in a very different light, along with realizing the traits that are so important to me. A real man is not defined by a title or paycheck. He is a man with integrity, good character and values. He is a fighter, strong and dependable. He unfortunately is not my H and I finally see and accept that. MLC, true colors, or maybe a mix of both. I truly believe we could have gotten through this and been closer then ever. He did not choose that, he chose to put himself first instead of his home, family and marriage. Can I ever understand or get past that? Probably not, but I can accept he made his choice and make the best of it. I can be proud that we are at least able to team up as parents for our S and I hope that never changes.
I hope my post finds you all doing well. I know this is not an easy thing to go through, but the other side does not have to be a bad thing. It is all in perception, in taking the focus from them to you. Feel strong and proud you believed in and stood for your marriage! But also accept that you can't control the outcome. However, you can control YOU and your outcome. Be that person you admire and feel proud of. You can do it
Love you guys! Xxoo M
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
OMG! I can't believe he brought that gun out and shot it in your direction. He could have put your eye out or much worse. I also can't believe his mother shot him...she should have destroyed the gun...but she may realize he's acting like a child and thought by doing it to him, it would make him realize the damage he did to you. You were very lucky. No matter...he shouldn't have bought the thing and more importantly, shouldn't have been aiming it at someone or to even go further at an animal.
You sound strong and confident. How is your son doing these days? How are the fur babies?
Don't be a stranger...stay in touch.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
