Honestly isn't everything that is taught by DB to invoke an action.
Quite the opposite. The gist of DB is to let the partner be and to figure his/her $hit out and for the LBS to become selfsufficient and happy with is/her own life. The LBS should get out of WAS's face and regain the footing. You thinking that just putting an end to the marriage and moving on to a new relationship will fix things is frankly a receipe for disaster. know you don't agree with me on this point, but you need to heal, and you need time to heal and you saying that you are fine is in my view just denial. Usual math says that one should spend at least 3 months alone for every year of the failed relationship, to heal and get his/her mojo back. Sure one can find a partner sooner, but do remember, broken attracts broken and you sure as hell do not want broken in your life. And just to prove this fact, you can take a look at the statistics how many second marriages fail (I“ll give you a hint, percentage wise more second and third marriages fail than first marriages). And that is because people rush in next relationships before learning the lessons needed.
You are not fine. You being fine in this point in time is not normal. You thinking you are fine is a sign by itself.
Vapo thanks for that. Would you say the same goes for the WAS? My XW jumped directly in an R (I'm quite sure it was EA before BD) and told me she's so happy now because she never thought anyone would love her again. The guy just divorced his wife too. Frankly put their entire family sounds quite co-dependent. I'm just personally worried about my kids. They need stability
Also, I agree with Vapo. This applies for all LBSs. Better to take time so much that you really don't care what the WAS is doing.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Honestly isn't everything that is taught by DB to invoke an action.
Quite the opposite. The gist of DB is to let the partner be and to figure his/her $hit out and for the LBS to become selfsufficient and happy with is/her own life. The LBS should get out of WAS's face and regain the footing. You thinking that just putting an end to the marriage and moving on to a new relationship will fix things is frankly a receipe for disaster. know you don't agree with me on this point, but you need to heal, and you need time to heal and you saying that you are fine is in my view just denial. Usual math says that one should spend at least 3 months alone for every year of the failed relationship, to heal and get his/her mojo back. Sure one can find a partner sooner, but do remember, broken attracts broken and you sure as hell do not want broken in your life. And just to prove this fact, you can take a look at the statistics how many second marriages fail (I“ll give you a hint, percentage wise more second and third marriages fail than first marriages). And that is because people rush in next relationships before learning the lessons needed.
You are not fine. You being fine in this point in time is not normal. You thinking you are fine is a sign by itself.
It's called Divorce Busting.....so to say it isn't intended to invoke a reaction is missing something. The whole goal for most people on here is to get back with their partners. Yes, the main thing for people to do is to get a life.
Funny how everyone can be so sure of how I'm doing. It's just an odd thing to think when there is no real bearing of how I'm doing. I'm not in any kind of denial. I am realistic about my situation. I am fighting more to keep up working on it then anything else. I am here mainly to get advice on things and not to teach me how to live my life.
When I say I am doing fine and I am doing all the same things I have always done in my day to day life then I mean it. It's obviously extremely hard for anyone on here to believe because it isn't what most people do and are going through. Why is that not considered that I just may be different? Every one seems to have this mold I'm supposed to fit into and things I am supposed to be doing, so have preconceived notions of me. Point being when you say it's not normal for me to be fine at this point...... haven't I been saying I am different, just because I am self aware of how I deal with things doesn't make it less true. To each their own and everyone deals with things differently. I have always been different then most in this department and I am fine with it.
I don't know why you think I'm trying to jump into another relationship. I only meant that I can move along in that department rather it's with my current wife or someone else. None of you know how my day to day life goes or even how I live my life, so jumping into a relationship isn't something I do. I'm hardly ever out at bars, for one I have never had a sip of alcohol in my life, so it's clearly not my scene and I am not into the club thing either. Anyway my point being is that I'm not likely to even find someone that quickly with how my weekly activities go.
What do you consider as being fine? My life has been moving forward as usual. I don't think because I am having issues with my wife that it should affect anything else in my life and it doesn't. I sleep good every night. I haven't once cried myself to sleep let alone cried at all and I'm not trying to say crying is weak or something silly like that. Crying has just never been a big part of my makeup even when I was younger. I know you didn't say I was crying, but this is the preconceived notion that is what I should be doing that others have stated.
I have always been able to think about things realistically and then move one from there. Why would I not be living my life as normal because I am having issues with my wife? That is a serious question to you because from my stand point there is absolutely no reason for it to affect anything else in my life that is has no bearing on.
I have read about those statistics before and I can see why it happens, but it doesn't have anything to do with me right now since I am still on and in my first marriage. Right now my wife is texting me everyday even though she is extremely busy and I am responding to her and being encouraging and nice, but I'm at the point to where I'm not really wanting to reach out to her anymore. Talk is cheap like they say. She has said things, but there is no action. That is one of the reasons why I want to send her a final hooraa to let her know I am ready to move on. The one thing that has really spiked interest from my wife is when I am suddenly not talking to her anymore, especially since that is our only connection. When I finally do talk to her again I give her an ear full which she agree's with.....which has happened three times now and that is why I say talk is cheap. I want her to keep her word and do as she says she wants to do, which is try to work things out.
I think cleaning some things out of this house that are hers and or ours and sending them to her will be a message heard loud and clear. I am tired of trying with her. My self respect can only take so much abuse and it's only taking it because she is my wife which I took vow too. I have actually said this exact thing to her among a whole lot more, which she responded to by saying everything I say makes sense and she does want to work things out. Well I have been waiting for some sort of action and if she wants me to continue to wait for her I want some sort of reason too, such as simply letting me know what her intentions are. It's not hard to do. You either sh1t or you get of the pot.
Cai, I believe you are not typical. I believe you don't have those feelings just about all of us have had when our spouse leaves us. It is hard to imagine something like that not rocking you to the core. But it has not rocked you to the core. As together as some of us may have it, when the person we love to the core leaves us, we can't fathom everything in our lives staying the same. Issues in the M as severe as yours to the point of your W leaving would definitely change most of our lives here. You say everything has stayed the same.
You talk about invoking a reaction. I believe something your wife desperately needs is to rock you to the core. To see some passion, not just a sh!t or get off the pot attitude. To know that you love her so much that you are shaken by this. That your heart, rather than your ego yearns for her.
From here, your ego years for her. I think if it wasn't just the vows you made, you really couldn't care what she does.
And I am not faulting you either way. If that is who you are, a person who doesn't have fluctuating feelings, who doesnt feel true hurt of the heart rather than the ego, then really, maybe you guys aren't really aren't compatible. Maybe you belong with someone who doesn't feel sadness or longing or like your heart breaks without them.
You will probably argue this, and that is fine, that is what you do. But if you you are sick of this sh!t, don't passively aggressively put a nail in the coffin, actually put a nail in it. If it isn't what is working for you and not what you want, well, then take some action. You are so concerned about this being on her. She can't give you what you want right now, and you aren't willing to not have a definitive answer. You want her to sh!t or get off the pot. It isn't that easy to her. Her emotions are involved. Her life is altered when there are marital issues. Your isn't.
This woman is trying to invoke a reaction from you. A feeling, a passion. But you don't do that. So, maybe accept she will not be able to give you what you want and vice versa. Feel free to write your letters, send her stuff, give her ultimatums so it could be all on her. whatever you want.
You are fortunate to not have kids yet. Get out and don't wait for her to give you exactly what you want if you cannot do this.
Cai, I believe you are not typical. I believe you don't have those feelings just about all of us have had when our spouse leaves us. It is hard to imagine something like that not rocking you to the core. But it has not rocked you to the core. As together as some of us may have it, when the person we love to the core leaves us, we can't fathom everything in our lives staying the same. Issues in the M as severe as yours to the point of your W leaving would definitely change most of our lives here. You say everything has stayed the same.
You talk about invoking a reaction. I believe something your wife desperately needs is to rock you to the core. To see some passion, not just a sh!t or get off the pot attitude. To know that you love her so much that you are shaken by this. That your heart, rather than your ego yearns for her.
I have thought this same thing from the beginning.That my wife does need to see me cry. It's highly unlikely that I will cry as I have stated, but I have been doing other things that are also highly unlikely of my character to show her how much she means to me. It's just a saying to sh!t or get off the pot, but it's how I feel about being in limbo and not making a decision of some kind or part of a decision. I have a hard time understanding that because I am very decision orientated. Get your point across and be done with it. Like I said I am struggling to continue the effort. Maybe what I really need to do is stop making an effort, but I have struggled with that. I really think she needs to see that from me because it isn't in my character to continue to give the time of day to someone who dumped on me.
From here, your ego years for her. I think if it wasn't just the vows you made, you really couldn't care what she does.
I'm more complicated than that, of course I care what she does. She is still my wife. I told her the other day that it bothers me that she talks a lot more to other people, mainly men, than she talks to me. For one when she was living with me here and seemingly happy she talked against that sort of thing all the time and said it's not the place of a wife to have too much of a relationship with other men when she is married. So who the hell is this person I am dealing with....or better yet who was she when she married me. So many things she is doing are very hypocritical of her.
And I am not faulting you either way. If that is who you are, a person who doesn't have fluctuating feelings, who doesnt feel true hurt of the heart rather than the ego, then really, maybe you guys aren't really aren't compatible. Maybe you belong with someone who doesn't feel sadness or longing or like your heart breaks without them.
This is what is hard for people to grasp. It's not my ego because if it was then I would have had nothing to do with her a long time ago. Everyone around me knows that I have a high self respect and she is stepping on that all the time, so no, it isn't an ego at all. Because I can go about my business in the height of a major life event like a divorce doesn't mean I am heartless or psycho, as some have put it here. I have mentioned the training I do and coach a few times, but how I am able to deal with things has a lot do with training in such things for the majority of my life. It just becomes a part of you and how you live and it's why people come to me of coaching. To put it simply it's being able to perform at an optimal level even under high stress. Even if what I do fails it still doesn't affect my daily routine because it has no real bearing on it. It's being able to recognize what my mind is doing and just observing it for what it is, a thought, rather then having it affect me in one way or another. Staying focused on things relevant to the task is part of the training and it allows me to stay very present. Maybe that helps clear a little up.
You will probably argue this, and that is fine, that is what you do. But if you you are sick of this sh!t, don't passively aggressively put a nail in the coffin, actually put a nail in it. If it isn't what is working for you and not what you want, well, then take some action. You are so concerned about this being on her. She can't give you what you want right now, and you aren't willing to not have a definitive answer. You want her to sh!t or get off the pot. It isn't that easy to her. Her emotions are involved. Her life is altered when there are marital issues. Your isn't.
You're right and it is probably passive aggressively doing something, but it would get a result which is better than being in limbo waiting for her. That is the hardest thing for me to do knowing something needs to be done, but nothing is being done and there is no idea even if it will be done. Drives me nuts, but I think if I stop putting the effort in it will be better. Well it will be better for me, but that is the issue, is it better for her. I struggle with that being what she needs to see from me is all this effort, which she can't deny I have put in, but if I stop is that the wrong thing to do. The one time I get real reactions out of her, she speaks more of the truth and is more open with me is when I cut her out of my life and she asks to be let back in.
This woman is trying to invoke a reaction from you. A feeling, a passion. But you don't do that. So, maybe accept she will not be able to give you what you want and vice versa. Feel free to write your letters, send her stuff, give her ultimatums so it could be all on her. whatever you want.
You are fortunate to not have kids yet. Get out and don't wait for her to give you exactly what you want if you cannot do this.
-You say you don't have expectations, but you tell her (and us) that you "expect her to respect you enough"---/to "at least contact"/phone/ or respond to your texts within a certain time", etc .
-I don't think You are as clear and certain with her as you wish. Your comments are not consistent.
-Telling her to choose between her family or you is like saying you want her to depend on you and no one else. There are plenty of families that are "not good" for couples or marriages, but they are still her family.
Even if she claimed to choose you, it would linger and be seen as a selfish controlling demand of yours. I imagine that would fester and eventually drive a wedge between you. Maybe it's part of why she left in the first place. In any case, whenever there was a holiday or family event of hers (a wedding, funeral, graduation, vacation, etc) she'd know she had to give up something she cared about, for you again.
-You do fob most of the responsibility for the marital demise on her. Although you make vague references to how you have owned your part, that does not ring as true as the pattern of blaming her does. Maybe you can Review your overall commentary to see where you place the blame the most, rather than dismissing the statement.
-I am surprised you discuss having children together within 48 hours of yelling at each other and hanging up the phone. That's not a typical interaction.
-You have not even spent much recent time together. It is very unusual to suggest becoming parents while you also don't expect to live together for the next 2 years. And it was an issue of contention. And you have divorce papers at home.
(I cannot tell if it's an attempt to "fix things" with a baby, thereby locking into a family & making a marital departure harder, or if it's the clock ticking or what.
But parenthood does not lessen marital stress, and it will certainly increase her desire for familial contact.)
That's my .02
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
How was that for you? (I mean, was it a total nightmare?)
IF NOT,
how do you know when you care deeply for someone?
I'm not asking for a psychological analysis or about your coaching or stress tools.
I'm asking you an authentic question that is narrow in scope.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
-You say you don't have expectations, but you tell her (and us) that you "expect her to respect you enough"---/to "at least contact"/phone/ or respond to your texts within a certain time", etc .
These expectations come from her saying she is going to do exactly that, so I do expect her to do what she says she will do,
-I don't think You are as clear and certain with her as you wish. Your comments are not consistent.
When circumstances change, which they have been then there are bound to be changes and inconsistencies to a degree. So yes I can certainly see why you say that, but just like the example above, if I am given her word on something then I do expect her to keep it. She is also very back and forth with things, but she has always been this way, bouncing from one thing to the next.
-Telling her to choose between her family or you is like saying you want her to depend on you and no one else. There are plenty of families that are "not good" for couples or marriages, but they are still her family.
Even if she claimed to choose you, it would linger and be seen as a selfish controlling demand of yours. I imagine that would fester and eventually drive a wedge between you. Maybe it's part of why she left in the first place. In any case, whenever there was a holiday or family event of hers (a wedding, funeral, graduation, vacation, etc) she'd know she had to give up something she cared about, for you again.
It has nothing to do with me telling her to choose between her family or mine, but that is what she is claiming. When she married I became her family and her relationship changes,as does mine, with your family. It's not better or worse it different. She is suppose to cleave from her parents, but she obviously didn't. Her parents won't always be there for her, but as her husband I am vowing to live the rest of my life with her. When we got married I chose her and her family and she chose me and mine, so this idea of having to choose her family or mine is all hers and quite frankly is ridiculous. As she gets busy in her life in Virginia she hardly even see's any if her family, like I mentioned before that all wore off. The fact that she brings that up, but doesn't acknowledge that she will be sent to where ever this boot camp sends her without her parents is also ridiculous. It's an excuse that she is using for doing what she is doing in my opinion.
-You do fob most of the responsibility for the marital demise on her. Although you make vague references to how you have owned your part, that does not ring as true as the pattern of blaming her does. Maybe you can Review your overall commentary to see where you place the blame the most, rather than dismissing the statement.
I have taken responsibility for everything that I have done wrong rather you believe that or not. She just keeps bringing up over and over that what if thing only change for a little while and then go back to what we were before. That is also a ridiculous notion. To think that I would even want that depressed version of my wife back and have to live through all the same problems again. I have as much to worry about as her as in will she just abandon the marriage again, we both stand a chance to lose and I have more to lose than she does. She isn't being realistic about it in my opinion.
-I am surprised you discuss having children together within 48 hours of yelling at each other and hanging up the phone. That's not a typical interaction.
-You have not even spent much recent time together. It is very unusual to suggest becoming parents while you also don't expect to live together for the next 2 years. And it was an issue of contention. And you have divorce papers at home.
(I cannot tell if it's an attempt to "fix things" with a baby, thereby locking into a family & making a marital departure harder, or if it's the clock ticking or what.
But parenthood does not lessen marital stress, and it will certainly increase her desire for familial contact.)[/color]
I'm not quite sure why you think that we yelled at each other then discussed children. Children have always been on the plate and was one of her issues. She is angry at me for not talking to her enough about our plans for children and she came to her own conclusion that I didn't want them which isn't true in the least. When I asked when I actually said I didn't want children she admitted that I never said that, so again all in her own head. Then after she initially left she would tell me she is being selfish and doesn't want kids because of her back problems and she doesn't want to give her allergies her kids either. This of course was just a lie and means to get me to react to it, but I didn't play the game. Now she is talking again that she did want kids.....so you tell me how to deal with that and when it's appropriate to talk about.
How was that for you? (I mean, was it a total nightmare?)
IF NOT,
how do you know when you care deeply for someone?
I'm not asking for a psychological analysis or about your coaching or stress tools.
I'm asking you an authentic question that is narrow in scope.
I'm sure I have been when I was younger, but I am not a really emotional person to begin with. That being said not sharing my every thought with my wife has been the issue with her. I shared with her want I thought I should and felt was important, but obviously it wasn't enough for her. Being emotionally vulnerable is about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and, asking for what we need. I know I didn't do enough of that for her to feel I was emotionally connected with her.
How was that for you? (I mean, was it a total nightmare?)
IF NOT,
how do you know when you care deeply for someone?
I'm not asking for a psychological analysis or about your coaching or stress tools.
I'm asking you an authentic question that is narrow in scope.
I'm sure I have been when I was younger, but I am not a really emotional person to begin with. That being said not sharing my every thought with my wife has been the issue with her. I shared with her want I thought I should and felt was important, but obviously it wasn't enough for her. Being emotionally vulnerable is about being honest with how we feel, about our fears, about what we need, and, asking for what we need. I know I didn't do enough of that for her to feel I was emotionally connected with her.
Fair enough.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
