Sounds as if she wanted it done together. That's a bonding thing. (When my h helped with projects that were important to me, I'd tell him it was like foreplay!)
So ask her what kinds of things she'd like to do together. Versus you getting them done on your own before she returns.
Well the funny thing is I asked her for her opinion at the time I was going to buy them and she completely ignored me as if I didn't even say anything, but that was very typical of her behavior at the time. Funny you say before she returns because I don't have much thoughts of her coming home at all. She is still currently doing this coding boot camp and when she is done with it she has to sign a 2 year contract to work for them and she doesn't know where it will be. To me that has no intention of coming home and is starting a new life without me. I have said this exact thing to her and her only response was that she hasn't signed anything yet.........but she is still prepping pretty hard for this boot camp. Writing is on the wall it seems? She will regret it though I am sure.
If she's talking paint, ask what colors and whether she wants you to wait, do/buy trim and if she wants to see the paint chips first, etc. I'm a big one for bringing home 15 different colors and holding them up before I make THE big choice. I loved input from h but - -as ODD as this sounds (not) h did not find paint chips to be super fun.
seems as if she is giving you messages about TIME together with a task, teaming up and implementing her plans (with your input too, but don't come to an impasse about paint color. No falling on your sword for that!!)
She does like the idea of doing things together for sure and making decisions on things like the house together, but most of the time I was the one to do it all. She doesn't have that great of an eye for things when it comes to house work and decoration and that is straight out of her mouth. I actually agree too. I always asked what she thought and for the most part we would shoot down her ideas most of the time because they just didn't work that well. Anyway you seem to have a feeling that this more positive then I think it is. Kind of funny in a way, we seem to have opposite ideas in this regard.
I agree. She is visualising a shared space. You can encourage her to do that even more. (Gosh, I'm jealous - wish that was my STBXH!)
Treasure as I have mentioned to 25year already you both seem to view this as a bigger deal than I do. I say that because although she is talking in such a way I know that she is still planning on doing a coding boot camp that lasts for 3 months and then afterwards she is suppose to sign a 2 year contract to work for them and she doesn't know where either. Sounds like a pretty definite I am moving on and starting a new life with out you to me, which I have mentioned to her those exact sentiments too.
Right now I am just going with the flow. I'm encouraging her in her studies to prep for this boot camp and being very positive with her. Trying to give her confidence for it and all the support she needs, but as soon as she signs that 2 year contract to who knows where I think it will be the end of the line. I am sure she will regret this sooner or later. Ultimately I believe it's nothing, but a huge distraction from having to deal with her real issues, which will all come flooding back sooner or later.
So this is the next question, more a thought I had, I am going to pose to everyone.
Right now I am talking with my wife everyday and it's quite normal talk compared to what it used to be. It is becoming normal to just chat with her all the time. That being said is it a good thing. I was thinking it doesn't allow her to miss me and we really aren't talking about us anymore either as far as the divorce papers and her abandoning the marriage. We just chat about everyday things and what not. There is fun in the conversation and that is it. There is no real emotion in the conversation coming from her other than I suppose being happy to chat with me.
Do I continue this and let it go the way it's going and take it's course? Or do I start to pull away again to remind her there is still the 800 pound gorilla in the corner that she is ignoring? I feel that she might be getting used to just talk to me when she wants and not have to miss me anymore.
Cali, I may be in the minority here, but just talk to the girl. Don't play coy. I don't think you'd wear it well. Be a straight-shooter and try to speak from the heart.
Cali, I may be in the minority here, but just talk to the girl. Don't play coy. I don't think you'd wear it well. Be a straight-shooter and try to speak from the heart.
I have been talking to her, but it is as if we aren't having these issues and that is what I don't like. I would rather deal with things. I am hoping that this talking is bringing her closer to me and not making it easier to continue abandoning our marriage.
Just make sure that you are not always the one initiating and having the last word. Try to engage engage in substantive talk yourself and see if she responds. You can ease into it. If she is initiating and reciprocating then she is likely getting something out of it. I would not criticize her for the coding school, etc. and don't give her your thoughts on it unless she solicits your opinion. In other words, I'd pretty much DB her. Go back and read the book and keep reading it.
Just make sure that you are not always the one initiating and having the last word. Try to engage engage in substantive talk yourself and see if she responds. You can ease into it. If she is initiating and reciprocating then she is likely getting something out of it. I would not criticize her for the coding school, etc. and don't give her your thoughts on it unless she solicits your opinion. In other words, I'd pretty much DB her. Go back and read the book and keep reading it.
I have told her that I believe she is starting a new life without me and this coding boot camp is the first step in doing that since she will be forced to sign a 2 year contract and work where ever they place her. That being said I only mentioned that in the beginning when she first mentioned it just after she tells me that Im not going to like it. Ever since then I have only been supporting her in her studies for it and rooting her on with it. She initiates more texting then I do, but it's kind more along the lines of just continuing text each other the next day. So by that I mean sometimes I was the last one to text so she will respond in the morning or vice verse.
She has been responding to talk about our past and even future stuff. I told her some goals that I have and she was very excited about it. She responded with "That's a wonderful goal. That's what I want too!!" I also told her I miss my wife and she responded with "I miss you too." Anyway I think I will bring up some more of shared past that we both really enjoyed.
So I have been talking pretty good with my wife for awhile until about a two weeks ago when she went on a vacation. She said she was leaving her phone in the rental property since she was on the beach all day long, which I believe her. I was only getting a single reply to a previous question or a good morning and then nothing all day long. So basically it was I simple text in the early morning and or late night and then nothing. Even if I replied immediately I wouldn't get a reply until either the next morning or late that night. I understand she was on a family vacation and had other things going on so I get that she was texting very little.
She texted me and said the vacation was finished and they were about to get on the road for the drive home. I texted a simple question and I didn't get a reply until three days later. She only answered my question with a simple sentence and that was it. I didn't reply back to it for there was no need. Then I didn't hear from her again for a two days. Then I get a very early in the morning text message of "Good morning!!! I pretty sure you're still sleeping so I hope I didn't wake you." I also didn't reply to this. Another two days goes by and she text me this morning "Hi. How are you".
I haven't replied to this either. I am tired of this stupid text message relationship with her. I am not a random text message friend when she is bored or feeling lonely. I told her once already that she doesn't even have enough respect for me to call me and talk in person to me, which I don't understand. I am more than what she is giving me and deserve more respect out of her than this. To me and the way I look at it if she really means what she says..... that she loves me, cares deeply for all my family and if I mean anything to her than she can just call me.
My question is if this is the wrong idea to you guys? I have gone to radio silence once again with her because quite frankly I'm tired of the drama and the extra work it takes to even communicate with her through text messages. Do I text her and relate that to her, obviously in a way that won't offend her, or do I just let her figure it out. It shouldn't be hard for her to do since I have been nothing but clear with her on what I want this entire time from our relationship. I'm at the point of calling everything I think is bullshit and telling her. I have been taking a large amount of grief from her and more blame than I deserve and it's banging at the door of how much self respect I am willing to give up for her.
I called her already on some bullshit she told my buddies wife, like I only needed her for her money. She got quite angry about the fact that I knew about it and then tried to play it off as my buddies wife may have told me wrong, but I killed that when I told her I read text message and it was exactly what she said. She then replied that she was angry at the time of writing it. Especially for the simple fact that I completely supported her for 3 years because she couldn't get a job, which I only had encouragement for her the entire time.
I have let her back into my life twice after going dark with her and it has only allowed her to go right back to her crap. Granted each time it seems to be a little less each time and a little better, but still it allowed her to dump on me again. I always am so much happier just not having to deal with trying to pull teeth for her to talk to me or fighting for our relationship when I am the one doing all the work. I continually think of us with all my decisions even in the smallest of ones because I am not divorced yet. I don't see anything like that coming from her. She is the exact opposite, like the boot camp she is doing with the 2 year commitment afterwards has nothing at all to do with me as part of her life.
I see very little of her side of things, including her family, caring anything about me. On the other side of that I see nothing, but everyone around me and my family caring about her. I have to question myself if this is truly who she is and how her family is. I have such a wonderful family life and everyone on both sides of my family are so close. I am doubtful she will ever find anything like my family and how they treat and love her or for that matter the love I have for her and that I was a person that never gave up on her even in spite of her many faults. I have said it before, but she will regret the decision she is making and allowing her friends and family, some of which can't handle the fact that I am white, get involved in her relationships.
I am thinking that maybe now is the time for a frank letter to her to set my boundaries. I really don't like putting anything in writing that she can have mainly for purposes of the divorce isn't final, but it seems it would be the easiest way to get through to her. I still haven't signed the divorce papers, but I am not sure I even have too as long as I agree to what she said in them. I am under the impression that not signing them is the same as signing them as long as I want no changes. I might be wrong about this, but I thought I read it somewhere. If that is true then is been over two months I think or maybe just at two months when she signed them so I should only have about 4 months left to go.
Again I am constantly trying to do the right thing and I want things to move in the right direction, which would be reconciliation for us. I don't want things to get worse necessarily especially if there is a chance we can work things out. That being said I also don't want to continue to waste my time and efforts with her.
Why do you need a boundary letter? A few simple sentences is all you need. "This sporadic texting relationship isn't working. If you can't or won't speak with me on the phone, then perhaps this isn't going to work"
I have this very strong feeling that you want to work this out because of your bruised ego. The vibe I have been getting very strongly since you began posting is "me and my family are so much better for her than her own family and we are the one's who accept her despite all her faults (you mention quite often how great you are because you accept her with her "many" faults). And this woman is now rejecting you, and how dare she!"
Some on here will actually agree on saving the marriage totally out of commitment. I don't. Because if you lack love and respect for her (you say you love her, but I don't think you ever accepted her as an adult woman with her own mind) you'll end up back here with more damage.
I personally I think you should sign the papers, end this, and go find your match, find a woman you do respect for all she is independent of you, who you feel lucky to have as she feels lucky to have you.
Very few people I have told on here they would probably be better off ending it, but I think you might be one of those.
