Wife is texting me everyday. She talks a lot about the studies she is doing to get into this coding boot camp and then afterwards to get a two year job where ever they put her. In the middle of these texts I will also get things like I was just thinking about you or she will reminisce about our past and adventures we have had together. I am supporting her and asking about how things are going and being encouraging, which is a little weird because it is encouraging the demise of our relationship by supporting her decision to do this. I am still doing it though. I'm trying to be helpful and trying to be that lighthouse in the storm she is weathering. I don't have expectations other than I am going to stick it out and do everything I can do to support her. I honestly believe she should be spending this time trying to get herself right instead of using this as a distraction which I fully believe to be the truth. She won't find happiness with it and she is just covering up her personal issues until they resurface and again and again. She is her own worst enemy for sure. Once she gets this job for two years after the 12 weeks is up it will be the end of us and then I can finally move on. She will regret it I have now doubt. She will come to realize what I did for her and the kind of man I was to her. She will also regret letting her family dictate what she does and letting them get between her and her husband who she loved.
So far nobody has commented on her family being a wedge between us and making her feel guilty for being with me. I guess that is fine because its her support system and it's all she will ever need?
Your wife makes total and complete sense. I can see why she is so conflicted very easily. This woman probably thinks something is wrong with her and keeps saying there is because she has tons of emotion and you have none. She is questioning herself thinking something is very wrong with herself because you are "just fine" all the time and so rational, and she isn't. And your attitude towards her and others on here makes me cringe. If it comes through that strongly through an anonymous message board, I can't imagine how it comes through in real life. I sense distaste for your wife. I am sure she has always sensed it even if you say "you are not like this" or however you put it in person. You have this attitude like you know what is best for you.
Lucky you to grow up so rational and unemotional and without stress. You are surely the minority.
I am going completely anit-DB here. You say you need a counselor only to understand your W. We are explaining exactly what she is going through here but you just argue it and think she is just messing with your feelings. Her feelings while they seem unrational to you, well, they are pretty rational considering the circumstances. She is right to be questioning if this is going to work. I am not an advocate of divorce. But when there aren't any kids yet and there are such huge differences in character, maybe before you guys get any deeper, you should rethink things. Because I will tell you she is never going to think like you and you are never going to think like her. SO you will both have to accept eachother's ways in more than words if you are going to make it for the long run. There will have to be a true understanding and tolerance of the needs you both have.
Perhaps you are better off with someone very rational and unemotional. And she is better off with someone who feels deeply and truly ACCEPTS her for who she is without making her feel like there must be something wrong with her. And you need someone to accept you just as you are too.
I respect your commitment to your M. You say you love your wife, but what is it that you love about her? What made you fall in love with her and want to marry her? You seem to have nothing but distaste for her inner core and think she is just some damaged soul.
Wife is texting me everyday. She talks a lot about the studies she is doing to get into this coding boot camp and then afterwards to get a two year job where ever they put her. In the middle of these texts I will also get things like I was just thinking about you or she will reminisce about our past and adventures we have had together. I am supporting her and asking about how things are going and being encouraging, which is a little weird because it is encouraging the demise of our relationship by supporting her decision to do this. I am still doing it though. I'm trying to be helpful and trying to be that lighthouse in the storm she is weathering. I don't have expectations other than I am going to stick it out and do everything I can do to support her. I honestly believe she should be spending this time trying to get herself right instead of using this as a distraction which I fully believe to be the truth. She won't find happiness with it and she is just covering up her personal issues until they resurface and again and again. She is her own worst enemy for sure. Once she gets this job for two years after the 12 weeks is up it will be the end of us and then I can finally move on. She will regret it I have now doubt. She will come to realize what I did for her and the kind of man I was to her. She will also regret letting her family dictate what she does and letting them get between her and her husband who she loved.
So far nobody has commented on her family being a wedge between us and making her feel guilty for being with me. I guess that is fine because its her support system and it's all she will ever need?
Did you stop to think maybe with this whole job thing she is looking to see if you would up and move for her job like she up and moved for yours?
You act like you just want her to make the decision and so you can get out of this marriage, quite honestly. If you want out, then get out. You just don't want it to be your move.
I wouldn't give this advice to everyone, save the marriage if you truly want it. If you don't, then go.
Wife is texting me everyday. She talks a lot about the studies she is doing to get into this coding boot camp and then afterwards to get a two year job where ever they put her. In the middle of these texts I will also get things like I was just thinking about you or she will reminisce about our past and adventures we have had together. I am supporting her and asking about how things are going and being encouraging, which is a little weird because it is encouraging the demise of our relationship by supporting her decision to do this. I am still doing it though. I'm trying to be helpful and trying to be that lighthouse in the storm she is weathering. I don't have expectations other than I am going to stick it out and do everything I can do to support her. I honestly believe she should be spending this time trying to get herself right instead of using this as a distraction which I fully believe to be the truth. She won't find happiness with it and she is just covering up her personal issues until they resurface and again and again. She is her own worst enemy for sure. Once she gets this job for two years after the 12 weeks is up it will be the end of us and then I can finally move on. She will regret it I have now doubt. She will come to realize what I did for her and the kind of man I was to her. She will also regret letting her family dictate what she does and letting them get between her and her husband who she loved.
So far nobody has commented on her family being a wedge between us and making her feel guilty for being with me. I guess that is fine because its her support system and it's all she will ever need?
Did you stop to think maybe with this whole job thing she is looking to see if you would up and move for her job like she up and moved for yours?
You act like you just want her to make the decision and so you can get out of this marriage, quite honestly. If you want out, then get out. You just don't want it to be your move.
I wouldn't give this advice to everyone, save the marriage if you truly want it. If you don't, then go.
I wish it was that simple, but it just isn't the case. She doesn't even know where they will put her and there has never been any talk from her about moving anywhere even when I suggested it too and point blank asked her. The thing she has ever discussed about doing is coming back to Cali. It's not about wanting it to be my move at all. If that was the case this would have been done a long time ago. I am not going to play her game, which to her isn't a game, but in reality it is. She is constantly testing me even if she doesn't know she is. So I will not give her a reason to justify any of this. And I have never wanted out, but I have to much self respect to have to deal with crap like this.
That being said this is where I am at with it. She does so many thing that are complete bullshit and just straight wrong in anyone's eyes to do. I always stop myself and think about what she is going through and I look at her as not being in a right mind and of a healthy mind right now. She is hurting and confused and doesn't know what to do, so I don't want to make her mind up for her and give her that out. She needs to be the one who does it all and I will be the one who never gives up.
Your wife makes total and complete sense. I can see why she is so conflicted very easily. This woman probably thinks something is wrong with her and keeps saying there is because she has tons of emotion and you have none. She is questioning herself thinking something is very wrong with herself because you are "just fine" all the time and so rational, and she isn't. And your attitude towards her and others on here makes me cringe. If it comes through that strongly through an anonymous message board, I can't imagine how it comes through in real life. I sense distaste for your wife. I am sure she has always sensed it even if you say "you are not like this" or however you put it in person. You have this attitude like you know what is best for you.
No one here sees my attitude towards her so hard to comment on that, but I do have a good attitude towards her. If I didn't I don't think we would be talking at all. My wife is scared because she has no clue who she is and has no identity at all. She has always been told what to do and is trying to do something for herself now I suppose. It's just to bad she decided to do this after she was married and it really [censored] for me because of that fact. Her father forced her into IT and she hated that fact, yet she is so bent on trying to get an IT job. I think she is furthering her issues by doing so.
Lucky you to grow up so rational and unemotional and without stress. You are surely the minority.
I completely agree and I am very lucky to have grown up with no stress in my life. My brother and sister have both been stresses when they were younger and my brother had some pretty big identity issues he had to get over too. I was lucky enough not to have those issues.
I am going completely anit-DB here. You say you need a counselor only to understand your W. We are explaining exactly what she is going through here but you just argue it and think she is just messing with your feelings. Her feelings while they seem unrational to you, well, they are pretty rational considering the circumstances. She is right to be questioning if this is going to work. I am not an advocate of divorce. But when there aren't any kids yet and there are such huge differences in character, maybe before you guys get any deeper, you should rethink things. Because I will tell you she is never going to think like you and you are never going to think like her. SO you will both have to accept eachother's ways in more than words if you are going to make it for the long run. There will have to be a true understanding and tolerance of the needs you both have.
I honestly don't think my wife quit fits the typical person on here. I don't think people really understand the extent of what she is going through. You say you do, but there is so much more going on with her then what I have shared and posted up here. Regardless if she is doing it on purpose or not she is playing a game here and being very confusing. I don't honestly think she is doing it on purpose, but none the less it is happening. I don't think that anyone will ever think exactly the same, let alone and man and a woman. I have been nothing, but accepting of my wife since the beginning and I am still being that way with her, but sadly it's not the other way around. Her personal issues are really whats holding her back from ever being able to accept anyone. I believe her parents weren't good examples of how a family should operate at all and they still aren't. Her mother in particular seems to have never really grown up and used to tell my wife some really messed up things about how a man and a woman react to each other.
Perhaps you are better off with someone very rational and unemotional. And she is better off with someone who feels deeply and truly ACCEPTS her for who she is without making her feel like there must be something wrong with her. And you need someone to accept you just as you are too.
I don't think that would be a wise mixture at all for her. She can't even handle her own emotional roller coaster so how can she possible be able to add someone else on top of that? I think it's actually why we worked so well together, because I was so stable and someone she could lean on. I messed up by slowly giving her less attention as things went wacky with her healthy and emotional problems. I thought it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't.
I respect your commitment to your M. You say you love your wife, but what is it that you love about her? What made you fall in love with her and want to marry her? You seem to have nothing but distaste for her inner core and think she is just some damaged soul.
She has been damaged and I have known that from the beginning, but I loved her for who she is.
Wife is texting me everyday. She talks a lot about the studies she is doing to get into this coding boot camp and then afterwards to get a two year job where ever they put her. In the middle of these texts I will also get things like I was just thinking about you or she will reminisce about our past and adventures we have had together. I am supporting her and asking about how things are going and being encouraging, which is a little weird because it is encouraging the demise of our relationship by supporting her decision to do this. I am still doing it though. I'm trying to be helpful and trying to be that lighthouse in the storm she is weathering. I don't have expectations other than I am going to stick it out and do everything I can do to support her. I honestly believe she should be spending this time trying to get herself right instead of using this as a distraction which I fully believe to be the truth. She won't find happiness with it and she is just covering up her personal issues until they resurface and again and again. She is her own worst enemy for sure. Once she gets this job for two years after the 12 weeks is up it will be the end of us and then I can finally move on. She will regret it I have now doubt. She will come to realize what I did for her and the kind of man I was to her. She will also regret letting her family dictate what she does and letting them get between her and her husband who she loved.
So far nobody has commented on her family being a wedge between us and making her feel guilty for being with me. I guess that is fine because its her support system and it's all she will ever need?
Did you stop to think maybe with this whole job thing she is looking to see if you would up and move for her job like she up and moved for yours?
You act like you just want her to make the decision and so you can get out of this marriage, quite honestly. If you want out, then get out. You just don't want it to be your move.
I wouldn't give this advice to everyone, save the marriage if you truly want it. If you don't, then go.
I wish it was that simple, but it just isn't the case. She doesn't even know where they will put her and there has never been any talk from her about moving anywhere even when I suggested it too and point blank asked her
. The thing she has ever discussed about doing is coming back to Cali. It's not about wanting it to be my move at all. If that was the case this would have been done a long time ago. I am not going to play her game, which to her isn't a game, but in reality it is. She is constantly testing me even if she doesn't know she is. So I will not give her a reason to justify any of this. And I have never wanted out, but I have to much self respect to have to deal with crap like this.
That being said this is where I am at with it. She does so many thing that are complete bullshit and just straight wrong in anyone's eyes to do. I always stop myself and think about what she is going through and I look at her as not being in a right mind and of a healthy mind right now.
She is hurting and confused and doesn't know what to do, so I don't want to make her mind up for her and give her that out. She needs to be the one who does it all and I will be the one who never gives up.
I asked a question i still don't see an answer to.
Do you think your wife is right...about anything in this situation?
Do you think you might be wrong about anything in this?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wife is texting me everyday. She talks a lot about the studies she is doing to get into this coding boot camp and then afterwards to get a two year job where ever they put her. In the middle of these texts I will also get things like I was just thinking about you or she will reminisce about our past and adventures we have had together. I am supporting her and asking about how things are going and being encouraging, which is a little weird because it is encouraging the demise of our relationship by supporting her decision to do this. I am still doing it though. I'm trying to be helpful and trying to be that lighthouse in the storm she is weathering. I don't have expectations other than I am going to stick it out and do everything I can do to support her. I honestly believe she should be spending this time trying to get herself right instead of using this as a distraction which I fully believe to be the truth. She won't find happiness with it and she is just covering up her personal issues until they resurface and again and again. She is her own worst enemy for sure. Once she gets this job for two years after the 12 weeks is up it will be the end of us and then I can finally move on. She will regret it I have now doubt. She will come to realize what I did for her and the kind of man I was to her. She will also regret letting her family dictate what she does and letting them get between her and her husband who she loved.
So far nobody has commented on her family being a wedge between us and making her feel guilty for being with me. I guess that is fine because its her support system and it's all she will ever need?
Did you stop to think maybe with this whole job thing she is looking to see if you would up and move for her job like she up and moved for yours?
You act like you just want her to make the decision and so you can get out of this marriage, quite honestly. If you want out, then get out. You just don't want it to be your move.
I wouldn't give this advice to everyone, save the marriage if you truly want it. If you don't, then go.
I wish it was that simple, but it just isn't the case. She doesn't even know where they will put her and there has never been any talk from her about moving anywhere even when I suggested it too and point blank asked her
. The thing she has ever discussed about doing is coming back to Cali. It's not about wanting it to be my move at all. If that was the case this would have been done a long time ago. I am not going to play her game, which to her isn't a game, but in reality it is. She is constantly testing me even if she doesn't know she is. So I will not give her a reason to justify any of this. And I have never wanted out, but I have to much self respect to have to deal with crap like this.
That being said this is where I am at with it. She does so many thing that are complete bullshit and just straight wrong in anyone's eyes to do. I always stop myself and think about what she is going through and I look at her as not being in a right mind and of a healthy mind right now.
She is hurting and confused and doesn't know what to do, so I don't want to make her mind up for her and give her that out. She needs to be the one who does it all and I will be the one who never gives up.
I asked a question i still don't see an answer to.
Do you think your wife is right...about anything in this situation?
Do you think you might be wrong about anything in this?
I must have missed it because I'm pretty sure you can tell by now that I try to respond to every ones post.
Of course I think she is right about the things she felt and what I did to cause that. What I think is wrong is the way she is going about fixing it, which is running away and hoping it goes away. She is a married woman who took vows to me and I to her. We absolutely should work on things together in person and not abandon everything. We both deserve to see where this can lead to, which will be a healthy experience if we do it right. Relationships can grow ten times in strength and happiness going through trials and tribulations together. If we give it a try and I talking about really committing to working on it and it doesn't work that's when we can decide to split up, but it would be a thing we did together.
What are you asking specifically that I might be wrong about. Anyone can be wrong and with times people change opinions and grow and learn, so what is it that you are curious about? I may have already changed my position on things, but not said anything here.
OK 25year maybe I still missed what you are asking. Are you asking about the highlighted things from my post? Gone over my head with this one I think....
OK 25year maybe I still missed what you are asking. Are you asking about the highlighted things from my post? Gone over my head with this one I think....
instead of an "Of course I'm wrong about somethings but SHE is wrong..." blah blah blah
What are you wrong about, specifically?
What is she right about, specifically? Being vague makes it feel superficial and dismissive, b/c you are not setting yourself down and reflecting. Instead you are responding to rebut, rather than taking in new info.
Feels like forensic debate instead of a discussion.. A discussion in which people share opinions and evaluate them without regard to their biased wishes, and jotting down your Flaws for things for You to work on and jot down some of her insights .
It's productive to list our flawed analysis of a situation, and our flaws, without immediately getting a scorecard to make sure we are still ahead (making us "right)
Just do you, your sandbox and none of hers, except the positives.
How has your position shifted - from your first position when you arrived? Be as specific as you can be.
In my recall, you are taking the same position and revising some of what your says or skimming other parts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Cali - I've found that part of wrestling through my own situation in a way which balances logic and emotion has required me to be super-honest about the difference between my 'should', current reality based on what I see and a big pile of stuff marked 'I have no idea'.
Of course your posts here represent only part of your thoughts and feelings, and your own interpretation of your wife's perspective. We can only represent our own POV. I think why we are challenging you so hard is because we see possibilities where you might not because we're not involved? Perhaps too because it hurts to see that you have a chance that many of us would long to have but don't. And I see you really struggling to balance logic and emotion, yours and hers.
I think there is something in the DB/DR book about starting with a beginner's mind. What does the situation look like if you just looked at how it is right now, put aside your assumptions and pretended you were an outside observer? From your W's POV and from your own. Logic and facts. Emotion and fears and don't know stuff too. Where are the doors and windows rather than the walls? How can you go with a process and let go of a fixed outcome because right now, the outcome seems to be a barrier to moving forward. I can see you're a strong smart man and that you have the ability to reframe how you look at this if you want to, but it might need you to approach it a bit differently and change what you see as the 'problem' as well as letting go of some of your preferred solutions. Just an idea.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
