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Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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RECAP: BD in late April, 2017. Did some wrong things for about a month then started DB'ing for about another month. W said she wanted a D on 7-13 and her L filed 4 days later. I suspect OM, but W says he's just a friend. We've told the kids, which opened up a lot of emotions that I thought I'd gotten past. D looms on the horizon and seems inevitable. I've dropped the rope. I'm kind of stuck processing the reality of the sitch.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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holding,

In your recap you didn't mention that you're an @ss kicking DB machine.

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Thanks, doodler! I needed a little pick me up! You're always good for that.

Feeling kind of meh today. I just wish this would all be over. I want to get on with my life.

It used to be that I was so filled with hope at the beginning after BD. I call this immediate post-BD phase "re-limerance" - I would have probably done anything to get W back in the first two weeks. I wanted her back so bad, and I'd go crazy with happiness when she threw me the smallest bone. But over time the hope receded, as the bones got fewer and fewer, and now there's just a small part of me (like 1%) that occasionally asks "what if". I want that part to shut up. I need to learn to just ignore it. I think if I keep feeding that small part, it'll go on "holding" me back.

What's so hard about all this is that one of my issues in the MR was being emotionally closed off. After BD I did my fair share of soul searching, like we all do, and realized there was a whole emotional side of me that I want to develop and nurture. But now I can't do that with W. I've been doing it with friends, and I've been doing it with my kids, but it's not the same. I want that deep connection that comes from a R with someone special. I wonder if this makes me co-dependent.

Maybe there's just a hole in my heart that needs to be filled. Looks like I have a lot of growing to do.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Originally Posted By: holding


It used to be that I was so filled with hope at the beginning after BD. I call this immediate post-BD phase "re-limerance" - I would have probably done anything to get W back in the first two weeks. I wanted her back so bad, and I'd go crazy with happiness when she threw me the smallest bone. But over time the hope receded, as the bones got fewer and fewer, and now there's just a small part of me (like 1%) that occasionally asks "what if". I want that part to shut up. I need to learn to just ignore it. I think if I keep feeding that small part, it'll go on "holding" me back.

What's so hard about all this is that one of my issues in the MR was being emotionally closed off. After BD I did my fair share of soul searching, like we all do, and realized there was a whole emotional side of me that I want to develop and nurture. But now I can't do that with W. I've been doing it with friends, and I've been doing it with my kids, but it's not the same. I want that deep connection that comes from a R with someone special. I wonder if this makes me co-dependent.

Maybe there's just a hole in my heart that needs to be filled. Looks like I have a lot of growing to do.


Holding, I could have wrote this exact same post verbatim! Some days I do have hope that she will come out of her fog and realize what she is doing and who she is hurting but it doesn't look like that will happen. So we need to keep working on GAL for us and not them, it has become everything I am about right now, my WW is starting to notice as my kids have informed me of her curiosity. Co-dependency, of course married couples are co-dependent with children involved how could they not be, the way my life was with my children and their activities WW and I were always going in different directions on most nights and some weekends, it was the life we chose. Now I am completely comfortable doing anything on my own and with my children, everyday has been easier for me to detach from her. Keep it up!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
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Thanks, dusty! Yeah, the parallels are frightening. If my W were to come out of the fog at this point, I'm not sure I would believe it. So I'm now being held back by this feeling that is basically irrational.

Yesterday W and I talked on the phone for about 45 minutes (longest in a while), mostly about settling some financial issues since she now has a separate checking account and refuses to participate in the joint checking account. We accomplished a lot. I got a little bit of a pity party from her, with her saying how she wouldn't be able to afford to have her hair done for a few months, since money would be so tight for her.

At the end of the conversation (she always pounces at the end), things took a turn:

W: Is there anything you want to talk about?

Me: No.

W: I'm sorry. (pause) I keep saying I'm sorry. I feel like I'm always the one apologizing.

Me: Do you think I haven't already apologized for my part in this? (hint: I did - profusely - after BD and the following 2 weeks)

W: No. You have. (She's starting to sound emotional and may be crying.) Nobody wants this.

Me: If nobody wants this, then why is it happening?

W: I just can't do this any more. (long pause) How are you doing?

Me: I'm fine.

W: Okay. You know, I still have you listed as my emergency contact for my Europe trip. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, sure.

W: Promise me you won't let me die over there if something happens.

Me: (pause) Okay, I promise.

We said bye and the call ended.

I bet some people will say that I should have told her I didn't want to be her emergency contact. I think that would have been too harsh. She is a fellow human after all, and my children's mother.

I saw my IC yesterday, and told her how I thought this exchange and the accompanying pity party was just W's way of manipulating me. IC suggested that it may not be manipulation, but maybe just W's way of grieving and sorting out the end of the marriage. IC suggested that W may be going through the phases of grief herself and that this may be the bargaining phase for her. I don't know.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Posts: 165
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holding

I think you did fine in your exchange with you wife, at least you have that! We don't have much communication at all right now, she probably thinks...... doesn't matter, who knows what she's thinking at this stage! lol As far as the emergency contact, my wife would have me listed as well and I wouldn't' have a problem, she is still my wife until she's not and the mother of my kids! If she get's in trouble god forbid, of course you come to her aid.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2011
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You're doing completely fine holding--and I'm glad you're exploring your emotional and vulnerable side with your friends and kids. One of the ways I've changed through this process is that there's not much left (if anything) that I'm ashamed of or embarrassed by, so if someone asks or I want to talk about something I just lay it out and let the cards fall where they may. It's made all my relationships more authentic.

You will feel a void, and you will feel a lot of internal pressure to fill the void. For many men post divorce you tend to go a little crazy and overdo the dating and rush to get into a relationship. I could caution you not to do that but really it wouldn't matter, some things you need to go through for yourself.

Codependence specifically means that you have blurred the lines between your sense of self and W. Is that really what you mean or have you just come to be comfortable in a marriage relationship? Those are two different things.

Take this time and feel all of it. If you smash down your feelings you'll just need to deal with them later. Surrender to it and go with it and you'll come out the other side fine.

If you read what you wrote about W's behavior in the marriage it doesn't paint a very flattering picture. What was it about YOU that sought a woman who behaved that way, and how will you deal with yourself such that you don't seek it again?

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
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Originally Posted By: holding
I call this immediate post-BD phase "re-limerance" - I would have probably done anything to get W back in the first two weeks.


Hahaha! Yes that's a clever way of putting it! Except after BD it's strictly one-way limerence, one party is all-in and the other is all-out. Such a cruel twist!

Quote:
What's so hard about all this is that one of my issues in the MR was being emotionally closed off. After BD I did my fair share of soul searching, like we all do, and realized there was a whole emotional side of me that I want to develop and nurture. But now I can't do that with W. I've been doing it with friends, and I've been doing it with my kids, but it's not the same. I want that deep connection that comes from a R with someone special. I wonder if this makes me co-dependent.


Well, yes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean that's part of what marriage is, it's surrendering "self" to some extent and becoming part of a team. It is normal to be dependent on each other to some extent in marriage. I felt like XW and I had that down just right, we each had our separate hobbies and activities and gave each other time for them, but we came together as a family other times. It was a good balance.

You will have that deep connection again I am sure. But first you need to really find yourself. Take time to adjust to a new, independent life first. It starts out scary, but in time you come to accept it, then to really enjoy it. You'll get to the point where you might -want- a special lady in your life, but you won't -need- her. That's when you know you're ready for a relationship again.

Quote:
At the end of the conversation (she always pounces at the end), things took a turn


You might consider just trying to cut it off before it goes there. Such as:

Quote:
W: Is there anything you want to talk about?

Me: No. Have a nice evening <click>


I mean if she "always pounces at the end" then just be the first to hang up. You should be doing that anyway. Don't linger on the phone with a WAS!

Quote:
W: No. You have. (She's starting to sound emotional and may be crying.) Nobody wants this.

Me: If nobody wants this, then why is it happening?


Next time (if you don't hang up) try validating- "I'm sure this has been very difficult for you, I'm sorry you're struggling so much." Your response is too confrontational, it says "this is what YOU want wife! It is NOT what I want!" And I think you know that. Sometimes it's hard to stop ourselves!

Quote:
I bet some people will say that I should have told her I didn't want to be her emergency contact.


I don't see any harm in that. The rest of your convo sounded just fine really.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks for the support, guys!

Dusty, this is really the only substantial conversation I've had with my wife since I informed her of my L. Finances and kids are the only reasons I'll talk with her. Sometimes I think she tries to find excuses to talk. Hmmm...

Originally Posted By: Accuray
Codependence specifically means that you have blurred the lines between your sense of self and W. Is that really what you mean or have you just come to be comfortable in a marriage relationship? Those are two different things.


Maybe I don't mean it to that degree. But I guess I looked to my W to fill my emotional needs and feel complete. I certainly had a sense of self, but I really didn't have too many friends or interests outside of the family. I always gave of myself for W and kids and never really thought about my own needs.

Originally Posted By: Accuray
If you read what you wrote about W's behavior in the marriage it doesn't paint a very flattering picture. What was it about YOU that sought a woman who behaved that way, and how will you deal with yourself such that you don't seek it again?


I always had a low self esteem, and I suppose I was thrilled that W wanted me. And I didn't want to rock the boat with my negative emotions. Classic NGS stuff. So now I'm working on my own needs, seeing what I want out of life. That's actually been pretty hard for me - to figure out what makes me happy. But I think I'm getting there.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Quote:
W: No. You have. (She's starting to sound emotional and may be crying.) Nobody wants this.

Me: If nobody wants this, then why is it happening?


Next time (if you don't hang up) try validating- "I'm sure this has been very difficult for you, I'm sorry you're struggling so much." Your response is too confrontational, it says "this is what YOU want wife! It is NOT what I want!" And I think you know that. Sometimes it's hard to stop ourselves!


Yeah, very true. I could have handled that better. Thanks for pointing out the validation opportunity. I'm not always good at picking those up.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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