Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
W and I had a civil conversation this morning about the next step in the separation. I agreed to a 6/8 day split (in her favor) of custody over a two week period in exchange for her moving out of our house. We will refi the mortgage in my name only and I will buy her out of her portion of the equity of the house, which isn't much. She's going to request a monthly amount for child support, which she deserves since she only makes 40% of what I make. But no alimony. The remaining assets and debits will likely be spilt evenly.

So it looks like (at least for now), we won't need to resort to litigation to dissolve the marriage. Next step is to find a mediator.

I can't even begin to describe the multitude of emotions that I've been dealing with today. Of course I'm relieved that we are on the right track to settling this amicably. And I'm excited that I can start looking around my house and make decisions about how I want to change/fix things. The fish tank that I've been dreaming about for the past 10 years will be a reality very soon.

...but I was also extremely sad most of the afternoon. I don't want her to move out. We built this home together and now she's walking away from it, and from us. I noticed a few txts come in from OM while we were talking. I didn't say anything and eventually she silenced her phone and turned it upside down. But thinking about it later I realized that has someone else in her life offering emotional support and doesn't need it from me anymore. Maybe this is why it's easier for her to move on than it is for me.

I don't think that she's facing the issues that got her (and us) to this point, but instead just moving on to the next distraction. I could be wrong though. I have no idea what's going on in her head these days and frankly I'm exhausted from trying to figure it out.

So onward and upward. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then the kids and I are off to the beach for a week. It's going to be a challenge handling both kids for a week without any help, but I'm ready. And I plan to come back from the week refreshed and renewed.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
You'll have a great time at the beach.

Everything you're going thru and feeling is completely normal, and it [censored]. I feel great when I look around the house and it's clean and the way I want it, but then I look around and miss the other person who shared it with me. It's been a little longer for me than it has been for you, and it does get easier, and the times I miss her get longer and longer in between.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Chris,

Enjoy your time at the shore. You need a break physically and emotionally. You will do great with the kids solo, I know you will. And if they start driving you nuts, just take a deep breath and take a break to regain your patience. After you put them to sleep, enjoy some quiet time to yourself but don't be carried away with thoughts of your situation. Bring a book. Watch tv. Talk to a friend. I used to have those fears about being a solo parent but I am now very comfortable managing all the kids by myself. You can do this.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Chris73

So it looks like (at least for now), we won't need to resort to litigation to dissolve the marriage.


That's really great news, because a prolonged court battle can be even more miserable than BD!

Quote:
And I'm excited that I can start looking around my house and make decisions about how I want to change/fix things.


That was something I started doing right away- making the place mine. I did a lot of painting and swapped out ceiling fans and blinds and such. It helps to do things to make the place "different", tends not to remind you of your W as much.

Quote:
...but I was also extremely sad most of the afternoon. I don't want her to move out. We built this home together and now she's walking away from it, and from us.


Of course you were, that's totally normal. I doubt it ever goes completely away, I still feel some sadness over the loss of my M too (5 years post BD). It's kind of like the loss of a loved one, you never forget but you do move on and find happiness again.

Quote:
So onward and upward. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then the kids and I are off to the beach for a week.


Good deal, have fun!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Thanks Guys.

I woke up this morning pretty psyched to be going away. I'm totally confident that I can manage the kids alone and I have equal amounts of coffee and alcohol to help. My parents are visiting for an overnight in the middle of the week, so that will help too. Not sure how much "quiet time" I'll get before I fall asleep myself, but I picked up a copy of a popular paleo/primal book that I plan to read in prep for turning my diet around when we get back. And there's always the extensive research I need to do to prepare for my fantasy football draft at the end of the month!

Starting to see some genuine remorse coming from my W. I notice she tears up more often during our discussions. We talked this morning about whether or not she wanted to be at our house tomorrow morning to see the kids off. She asked if D5 knew that she wasn't coming with us to the beach. I said yes, and she started to tear up. I think she'll probably say goodbye to them tonight before bed and then leave after they're asleep. She claims that this may avoid D5 having a difficult goodbye tomorrow morning, which is true. But I think it's for her too. I don't think she's ready to stand in the driveway and watch us drive away and not come back for a week.

She's taken the kids away for a few extended vacations without me but this is the first time the roles are reversed. It was all I could do to keep from saying, "You know you can still come if you want to." She would have said no anyway, but I'm starting to realize that trying to appease her only helps to prevent her from living with the reality of her decisions.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Good for you, Chris, on NOT telling her she can come too. You're right, she would have said no, and you would be feeling stupid for having thrown that out. Those are the kinds of things I regret doing and saying. So I think you'll be really glad you held firm.

Ahhhh, the beach, little sun-bathed warm, tired, sandy children who will sleep SO well at night after tiring themselves down on the beach all day. Soak up that time with them, play with them, build sand castles, write in the sand with them, hunt for crabs at night with a flashlight and a bucket, maybe a net, smell that fresh salty air, and just breathe.

All good things for you and your little ones this week. You got this.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
I know just how you feel... you want her there, but at the same time, you really don't want her there.

I admit a perverse joy at the fact that my W really wanted to come to our niece's wedding, but I said "no" and she was upset by that. And even more satisfied when I found out she called the mother of the bride, and was told, "no", then, too. These are the consequences of her deciding she wants a divorce.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
Good let her live with the reality. It's the only way you will get through to her. It will really hit her when there is another woman in uour life going on these trips. But enjoy the time with your children.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 638
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 638
Chris, like you I stayed with my ex in the same house for a long time post-BD. I never did figure out how to drop the rope with her right there, sharing a home with her, seeing her all the time, still actively parenting with her moment by moment. I beat myself up because I couldn't do it, because I'd convinced myself that was the last chance I had to save my family (at least that version of it (more on that below)) and, failing that, I believed I'd never be happy.

When she moved out I was sad. Very sad.

But a month/month and a half later I just realized I had indeed dropped the rope, and that it had actually already been a while since it had happened. I'd looked so long for it, theorized as to how I could do it, sought advice here, went to see an IC, and I never could make it happen. Then it just did, without me doing anything other than getting up every day (alone), parenting my ass off every moment I was with them, being cordial and kind to the ex (the kids need this -- make it happen, however it needs to happen), even if she's being snarky or bitchy, and gradually developing tremendous pride in what I'm doing in each phase of this new life. Like you, I didn't ask for this or want it. I worked as hard as I could to make it not happen. I studied and read everything I could. I GAL'd my a$$ off, I got in the best shape of my life, I taught myself how to listen better, how to validate instead of fix -- I did it all. Except detach. I just couldn't do it.

It was the physical separation that made it possible, for me.

And I think it will be that way for you, too.

And when it does, you'll realize you feel great -- and I'm not talking about a little bit better -- but really, really a lot better. You'll actually at times feel guilty for feeling as good as you do. The first time you look at your ex, and your stomach doesn't drop? Because you see her as just your ex with whom you now co-parent? GOLD.

I had a woman pull me into the street outside of a bar the other night because she wanted to make out! I didn't even know her. It was great. I hadn't kissed someone who really wanted to kiss me in years and years. I forgot how awesome it is. I asked her why she grabbed my hand (we'd been talking, but really just that), and she said it was because I seemed so joyful. It was some booze, too, no doubt, but think of it -- joyful. From where I was not even three months ago.

Hang in there!


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Chris73

Starting to see some genuine remorse coming from my W. I notice she tears up more often during our discussions. We talked this morning about whether or not she wanted to be at our house tomorrow morning to see the kids off. She asked if D5 knew that she wasn't coming with us to the beach. I said yes, and she started to tear up.


That is NOT remorse. It is guilt. The WAS will feel a lot of guilt, but little or no remorse. She is convinced she's doing the right thing, and she's convinced it's all your fault and that she HAD to do it. She feels bad at times, but she feels justified. Why do I make a point of differentiating the two? Because when she finally feels remorse then things may start turning around. But guilt, no, it's still full steam ahead with S and D.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard