Still here. Still not detached...

[TBSakaJ9]

JRuss...I combed over your sitch as it is very similar to mine. Did you ever feel as though your W would return? What do you think worked and what do you wish you would have done differently? I almost to the tee got the same bomb dropped on me, not attracted to me any more, etc.

[JRuss]

I thought for probably the first year or so post-BD that if I could just get her to commit to, and then dive into, MC, we'd make it. I never really stopped to consider that she'd blow up our family without at least honestly trying MC. She really never gave me any reason for hope, but I did until maybe late fall of last year.

So nothing really "worked", from a save-the-marriage perspective. Not DB or anything else. My W really was done long before she told me, and it was never anything other than her trying to figure out how long the exit would be. A trial physical separation might have worked, I guess, but I wasn't willing to move out (didn't want to be seen as abandoning children for custody reasons), and she wasn't, either, until the D was pretty much done and dusted. So it was file for D, wait the required three months, and she moved out a month before it went final.

GAL worked for me, though, and continues to work for me and my kids.

[TBSakaJ9]

Thanks, I appreciate it. I feel as though my W and I are in the same boat. She wanted to get an apartment 3 weeks after she told me so I told her to go if that is what she wanted. She seems so done as well which is frustrating by itself, I think a true MLC. To date no reason to hope anything will change. I feel pretty good about where I am at though but can't believe she would want to due the same without MC or IC.

Do you feel as though she has had any regrets? I know your D was recently finalized so it may be too early.

[JRuss]

I haven't detected any regrets at all, at least in terms of ending our marriage. I do think she misses the children more than she thought she would. She seems a bit stressed about finances at times, too. But nothing to suggest she thinks about reconciliation. I think she likes her new life. I think I like mine, too.

[sandi2]

Before starting this thread, I went back and read some of my previous threads and I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of time and energy I spent trying to control things that were out of my control. In hindsight, some of the mistakes I made during the DB process are so obvious to me now. And sometimes I wonder if there would have been a better chance for reconciliation if I had acted differently. I know I can't dwell on this now, but sometimes it's difficult to shake the "what ifs."

I read a post from you on Tread's thread. The sadness really pulled at my heart. It sounded as if you regretted the options you chose. Is there any advice you would give a newcomer H facing the same situation as you had?

My S8 is obviously not happy with the situation and it kills me to think that he's angry/upset with me. I want to tell him that this is all my W's idea and I'm just as angry/upset as he is. But I know this is a totally selfish attitude and another example of how I'm still not fully detached.

Why can't you tell him the truth?

I've chosen to move on for the sake of my own well being. I can't continue to live expecting my W to play an active role in my life. But I'm not over it. I'm still standing for my marriage. I still love my W. I'm not done. If she approached me tomorrow with genuine remorse and a change of heart, I wouldn't push her away.

You have to be your own best friend, Chris.

I still find myself planning my words and actions based on how I think she'll react to them. And I still spend far too much time judging the things she does or doesn't do. I suppose noticing it is the first step in reducing it, and a year later I've gotten a lot better at letting things go. But it's a difficult balance between not sweating the small stuff and enforcing boundaries so that I don't feel like a doormat.

This is the part that always got to me about your situation. Your W may have manipulated and bullied you.........but the real problem lies within Chris. Your next relationship will have the very same dynamics, unless your learn to reprogram and become a man who refuses to plan each word and action on how his W might react. There is a line between being considerate of the feelings of others......and living in dread of their reaction. There's a difference in doing things out of love........and being a person pleaser. You are the only one who can change it, b/c it comes from within you.

I believe you are a very nice guy. Too nice for your own good, in fact. You seem as if you don't know how to distinguish between being nice.........from being submissive or subservient. I can't help but hope that you will change some of the bad affects that the NGS has on you. Identifing your traits, areas of strength, and areas of weakness is a step forward. I encourage you to seek information that will help you in the areas of weakness.

Are you involved in any type of male support groups? Hang out with buddies? How much GAL do you average a week?

I see so many families in the same rat race. They spend most of their non-working hours shuttling the kids from one place to the next. First they know, there's no time for the adults to spend with other friends, or even one on one time with each other. Personally, I think it's a mistake to have kids in so many activities that basically causes the parents to become a slave to the time it eats up from their family time....and the MR. But that's JMHO.

I wish the very best for you, and I hope you can emotionally detach a little more in the weeks to come.

[Gordie]

Chria73,

Sending you an electronic bro hug. The anniversary memories stink. And not knowing what to say your son stinks too.

I too get caught up in what ifs. Acknowledge them and let them go.

You and I came here at the same time and we walked this unwanted path together.

So what do you want for your life now, independent of your w? And are you okay in the current situation without a separation or d agreement?

Gordie

[Teppo]

God, Chris73. I feel for you man. I'll be going through what you're going through in December when our 10-year anniversary arrives. Your story rings so true to me. I just hope, like you, I get 50% custody of my S. He loves me so much it hurts me to think how much he's going to miss me.

Unlike your situation, my W is involved in an EA and it angers me so much that the OM can be around my boy when the D is final. However, I take solace in the fact that our relationship is solid and there's no question who he knows who his Daddy is.

Stay strong, Bro.

[Chris73]

I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments and support since last Wednesday. It was an extremely difficult day for me and I spent more time than I should have agonizing over the past and asking the great unknown, "what did I do to deserve this?"

Anyway, I do intend to respond to all the comments/questions tomorrow when my head is on straight. Tonight however I needed to post just to get things off my chest. Today I took the day off and had a fantastic day with the kids at an amusement park. When I got home (with both kids asleep in the back seat) I realized that I did not have my house key and none of my neighbors have a spare. So my W was forced to come to our house and let us in.

After the kids were in bed she made a snide comment about how she was annoyed that I took the car keys for the car that we share out of her purse this morning and didn't ask her. I told her that the keys were hanging out of her purse and in the middle of the hectic morning I just grabbed them. Something I've done 1000 times before. She said, "It doesn't matter, it's MY purse!"

Now look, I know she's right. We don't have the same relationship we used to have. Assuming I can just grab the keys from her purse without asking was a mistake on my part. But c'mon, she's just instigating for the sake of instigating. There are plenty of things that she's done in past year that I've just shaken off. And it pi$$ed me off that the great day I had with my kids ended on this sour note.

Yes, yes I know. Detach. Don't let anyone else's actions dictate your mode or ruin a perfectly good day...

Easier said than done. As I type this I'm still pi$$ed. She talks out of both sides of her mouth. Constantly pushing for an "amicable co-parenting relationship" while at the same time instigating conflict when it's not necessary.

We have a M&F counseling session on Thursday (at her request) to discuss "next steps." And I had planned to go into that session as level-headed and unemotional as possible. But after this latest exchange (and another on Sunday that I haven't posted about), I just feel like going into the session and saying, "You win. You have pushed me far enough. Let's put this marriage out of its misery as soon as possible."

I'm sure I'll feel better about this tomorrow...

[Chris73]

Oh, but it gets better!

W overslept this morning and forced me to have to cancel my appointment with my IC because I had to wait for her to show up and I was an hour late to work. I didn't give her any grief when she showed up. She said, "Sorry." And I said, "Hey, it happens." I didn't mention having to cancel the appointment.

Around 11:30 this morning she called, without leaving a VM. I called her back. She was upset, crying, apologizing for these most recent incidents but also for "everything". Saying things like, "I never meant to hurt you", "I've made terrible decisions", "I don't hate you", "I think you're a good person" and so on.

A year ago I would have just buckled and said, "It's ok, what can I do to make you feel better." But today I didn't. I told her that I didn't trust her. That her words requesting that we try to sit down and have civil conversations don't match her actions of barely being able to get through 5 minutes of a conversation without spewing. I told her that I'd be willing to discuss how we can communicate better at our next M&F session. I told her that I was done backpedaling every time she spews and that I'm going to start being direct about my wants/needs even if it makes her angry.

She didn't say very much to all of this, just agreed.

Next session will be tomorrow and I assume we'll talk about mediation.

[doodler]

Chris,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It does get better, but when you're in the midst of the storm, it seems like it'll never end.