Still here. Still not detached...

[Chris73]

New thread time. I've wanted to change the title of my current thread for a while now, but decided to wait until I reached the 10-page mark.

Before starting this thread, I went back and read some of my previous threads and I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of time and energy I spent trying to control things that were out of my control. In hindsight, some of the mistakes I made during the DB process are so obvious to me now. And sometimes I wonder if there would have been a better chance for reconciliation if I had acted differently. I know I can't dwell on this now, but sometimes it's difficult to shake the "what ifs."

Summary of my current sitch:

W and I are currently separated after a year of trouble and failed attempts to reconnect. Our kids and our families are aware of the situation. We still share the marital home and our kids still live there full time. W and I take turns staying in the house depending on work schedules and I stay at my mom's when I'm not home. The separation has helped with reducing some of the tension in the house and allowed me to focus more on GAL since my W is now out of sight and (slightly less) out of mind. W hasn't pushed to advance the divorce further since the separation started.

Kids are handling things as well as can be expected. W and I are cordial, we've never argued in front of the kids. So far we've managed to avoid pointing fingers at each other so that they don't take sides. This is very hard for me and forces me to keep my ego in check. My S8 is obviously not happy with the situation and it kills me to think that he's angry/upset with me. I want to tell him that this is all my W's idea and I'm just as angry/upset as he is. But I know this is a totally selfish attitude and another example of how I'm still not fully detached.

To quote John Mayer: "Moving on and getting over are not the same it seems to me."

I've chosen to move on for the sake of my own well being. I can't continue to live expecting my W to play an active role in my life. But I'm not over it. I'm still standing for my marriage. I still love my W. I'm not done. If she approached me tomorrow with genuine remorse and a change of heart, I wouldn't push her away.

Of course, as time passes I WILL eventually get over it. Until then the most difficult challenge is detaching.

I still find myself planning my words and actions based on how I think she'll react to them. And I still spend far too much time judging the things she does or doesn't do. I suppose noticing it is the first step in reducing it, and a year later I've gotten a lot better at letting things go. But it's a difficult balance between not sweating the small stuff and enforcing boundaries so that I don't feel like a doormat.

Tomorrow will be our 10 year wedding anniversary. I don't plan to acknowledge it in any way, but it will be very hard. We will only see each other in passing in the morning. Part of me wonders if she'll even remember...

[Tobias]

hang in there. As to the what ifs. You acknowledge you are cordial to each other, you have kids together, she sees you.

The more you stick to "the plan" the more likely a reconciliation might be around the corner. Right?

As to detaching. I know that when I have friends it is less easy for me to give an excuse to just stay home. Even going to see a movie or go for a walk can help clear your mind.

[Chris73]

Today is my 10 year wedding anniversary. My W and I just did the kid handoff and barely said 3 worlds to each other. Neither of us mentioned it. I just told her , "have a good day," like I always do.

As I look back through the years (Facebook is both a blessing and a curse), I can't help but feel like someone stole my life. Like my past has been abducted. All the things we did every year to celebrate. All the fun we had. All the love we shared. Now it seems like it wasn't real. Reading her posts from the previous years, proclaiming her love and friendship... was that all a lie?

Yes, this is pity party time. But I don't mind asking for it on this board since you all understand. But after I post this I'm going to move on and try not to dwell on it too much today.

[RR17]

Detach is difficult if that was your MO. It is also quickly noticed when you detach.

Do it!

[Tobias]

Oh the Facebook and the on this day! Yup. 10 years worth of messages and shared events. I look at it every single day. That is the pain, the hurt, the regret, the shame, the hope part that all of us seem to struggle with. But it's also the core of what made the two of you work. If you are looking at it, perhaps she is too. Perhaps she is focused on the negatives but she cannot help but see those positive messages too.

It most likely was not a lie when she wrote that. Or maybe she had already been unhappy but kept going forward hoping for a change.

I think THAT's the crucial part. It's not that we waited so long to change but when we finally do, it confuses our S. But it also offers them a path back.

It's just a very long marathon... That part is true for everyone, but I think depending on context there are different realities. There is no one-size-fits-all solution towards reconciliation and / or being happy to move on. What IS consistent is the working on ourselves, the consistency in 180s, the detaching from overly romantic. I think the moment of when we all get to this forum is different across sitch.

[TBSakaJ9]

Chris...your not the only one. Last summer on my birthday my W posted what I great husband and father I was. Less than 1 yr later she wants a D. Hang in there!!! I feel your pain it is hard to make sense of it all. Just keep doing you!

[Chris73]

Thanks for the insight everyone.

My inner Buddha tells me to look at the memories as genuine, remember them with affection, and don't compare them to what's happening now. The past and the future don't exist.

This is easier said than done!

[JRuss]

It gets easier and it gets better. Hang in there.

[Chris73]

Thanks JRuss, Sorry to read about your divorce. Two years of trying sounds like a long time when the first BD hits, but now the two-year mark is only 9 months away for me. It's difficult to start looking back to a year ago and see that this was already going on in my life, during the first year that didn't happen.

I'm sure there are details in your thread, but was your divorce finalized because you decided to stop trying or was the divorce one sided and you are still trying?

[JRuss]

I guess part of me was still trying until the very end (I had a very hard time detaching because we lived together until May), but I didn't throw up any legal barriers or anything like that. Once I knew I had 50% custody and wouldn't have to go to the mattresses over that, I was cooperative during the negotiations where we split our assets.

My W just decided a long, long time ago that the life we had as a four-person family wasn't for her and, eventually, pushed the D across the finish line. There was no infidelity, just years of her slowly pulling away more and more. I tried everything I could, got a lot of it wrong, but I'm 100% at peace that I did what I could to keep the family together.

My kids are doing well so far, and that's allowed me to drop a lot of anxiety for their futures and (most of) the anger I had toward my ex. We're doing pretty well co-parenting. Friendly, not adversarial. The kids need that modeled to them, and I finally did detach enough to the point where I can give that to them (and her).

It is nice having a place where I'm completely in charge. It is a blast taking care of the kids when they're with me. I miss them intensely at times, and that's rough, and I think that will be a part of my life from here on out, but you have to let them go eventually even in the happiest of homes, and this is maybe sort of a way to get used to it ahead of time.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you're going to be feeling better than you think possible right now, and it will be sooner than you think realistic. Anniversaries are hard because we're feeling people, and there are tons of great memories that come to the fore at those times, while the bad ones get pushed down, leaving us very sad for what we lost. That can hurt, but you also wouldn't want to be unable to feel those emotions, so see it for what it all is: progress.

And don't stop GAL -- it's the key.