Still standing almost 11 years later

[missmyfriend]

I had this under divorced but not done but apparently it is almost a dead forum section.

This November, she will have walked out the door 11 years. I still miss her. I miss having my family together and the vacations and other activities we took together. My young children are now adults. I love my "wife" although we are divorced. In sickness and in health? For better or for worse.

When friends ask me why I am not dating, I don't bother to tell them about standing. I tell them I am not interested. I dont want to deal with drama or issues with my "gf" family. That is true but also because my waiting on also depends on my relationship with God. I don't feel He is done. With me, with her, our children...

If He told me to move on, I would. If He told me, she is never coming back but I want you to be on your own, thats good enough for me. I keep feeling like He wants me to wait.

Trust me it is hard. She was my best friend. When she walked out (and yes there were problems in years past but believe it or not things got better over the previous year but she had already made up her mind) I lost my very best friend. Yes, she was at fault but so was I. Both of us made mistakes. Oh how I would do things differently if I could including how I reacted when she wanted to leave. It has changed me. I deal with people differently. I really don't trust anyone with expressing how i feel at any given moment. I was too open before. Yes, I am guarded. I realized I dont have to share everything. It doesnt mean I am closed off to people. I still show love to others especially my children.

With her, I respectfully leave her alone. We rarely talk anymore especially since our kids are all out of high school.

Just today, I asked her what our daughter would like (for her 25th birthday) because my daughter will not tell me what she wants (dad, you already do too much for me, she says). And my "wife" says "I think she would really like ..."

She is pleasant with me. And thats about it.

I really miss her at times.

[lcause]

This... blew my mind. Is your XW married or in a long-term relationship? I think you are losing precious years... feels so bad to say this

I am sorry for you. For me, this is the worst nightmare I'm currently having at times, sorry again. But at least you have decided to stand for it and you would probably find new company if you desired so. I can understand though. It really shows how much you love her. I hope the best for you, even if I'm pessimistic. Sorry again, thinking too much about my own sitch and this is just... hard.

[Cristy]

Hello missmyfriend,

I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again.

Dating is a very personal issue. There is a big difference between moving on and moving forward.

Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[missmyfriend]

lcause, please do not relate my situation to yours. My W and yours are two entirely different people and our situations are likely just as different. She is in a relationship but I don't base what I do on what she is doing. I consider what Michele has written that you cannot possibly know what your spouse is thinking or what can happen in the future. I choose to focus on me and what I should be doing. Since my W left, I focused on my children since they were pre-teens and one was a young teen.

Regarding missing years, yes and no. I did not want to start a new family or a new relationship. I was in my 40s when this happened so starting anew wasnt a concern. To be honest, I didnt consider marriage until I met my W, even though I dated a lot before we started.

For me, it would be a lot worse to be with someone else just because I miss my W and being in a relationship. It is better this way.

I do love her (I realized that even more over the years since she was gone) but if she and I are never restored, that is the way it is.

Again, you situation is yours. I don't want you reading my story and saying, "CRAP! 11 years! I can't do that." You are not me and I am not you. Anything is possible.

The best advice I can give if you hope to eventually reconcile is to read Michele's books and follow the advice. For me, it helped to be a dad that has never criticized my W in front of my children or even to others such as friends. It helped me to be a better ex husband who is non threatening and hopefully we can at least be friends again someday. The reason I dont think we are friends at this time is two-fold. One is that I think it would be hard for her to be friends with me and not "fall back into a relationship" AND her relationship is threatened by our history, concerned about about us being together again.

Hang in there.

[missmyfriend]

Cristy, thanks. I am good. I think I actually still have one session left from my original 3 session package from ten years ago, lol.

I am actually doing pretty good. I have times when i am sad and others where i am really good.

I sold the family home and downsized tremendously, bought a new motorcycle a couple of years ago, and have some good memories when I took a Route 66 trip with my youngest.

Chat with you later

[Cadet]

I keep feeling like He wants me to wait.

Hmm - my comment would be Standing is not Waiting.

It is moving forward with your life and living it to the fullest.

So how are you doing that?

[BluWave]

missmyf,

I am glad you are here, and thank you coming back and for sharing. I think it is helpful to have someone so much further down the road than most of us to advise us. Please continue to share and let us know what worked, what didn't work, and how you wish you may have done things differently. I imagine you have some valuable wisdom and experiences to share. I can't help but wonder if standing and/or waiting for you W has held you back from any happiness or other life experiences?

I do not suggest that anyone needs a partner to be happy, not at all, but I do wonder how you get along with the mind set that you are holding on to her or the idea of her. Do you have a timeline in mind? Will there come a point when you allow yourself to give up hope?

So I am one of the ones who had a S that did return and we have been piecing for over 2 years. Things are going well, but honestly I have had my doubts at times. I appreciate your story because it reminds me that the grass may not be greener.

Blu

[Gordie]

Thanks so much for sharing. My w filed for d but I am still standing. Like you, if we actually do d the. I feel like I will still stand. As you said every situation is different but I appreciate you sharing and admire what you are doing.

[RR17]

10 years is a long time. I hope it works out as He plans.

[RDS]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but what you're going through scares me. I've only been divorced a week after nearly 33 years of marriage and I am in no way ready to date and I wonder when I will be really over my XW. I will readily admit I'm afraid that in years down the road I will still be longing to have my W back and may miss that someone special that could make me happy to be a man again. But if you're in a calm place then that is a bonus.

[missmyfriend]

Cadet, I guess it depends on how you define standing and how you define waiting. I do believe I am doing both. Personally, when I am referring to waiting, I am waiting on God. Some people do not understand about waiting on Him but this is scripture I was just reading earlier today, Psalm 38:15, "Lord, I wait for You; You will answer, Lord my God." Regarding your question about how I am living my life, I simply am. Its pretty easy.

BluWave, I am glad to hear that you and your S are together again. I hope that piecing goes much better. I hope you are having more ups than downs. Anyway, for me, its been so long that I really am not too disheartened anymore. Yes, there are times that makes it difficult for me considering she and I were together a long time and have so many experiences in the area where we live. Overall, i take it one day at a time. I have no timeline in mind basically focusing on what God wants from me.

Gordie, its a tough road but I believe it can make a stronger person out of you. Thank you for your comment.

Thanks RR17!

RDS, I completely understand what you are saying. Maybe I am still a cockeyed optimist but I think that if there is someone special for you, nothing will stop that from happening. With you being married for 33 years, you may want to take a couple of years to learn to be your own person. Its hard after being together for such a long time to think of being just you. However thats exactly what you need before you can ever consider going into another relationship. Since my W left, I have seen friends (including several on this board) get divorced, remarried and divorced again only to get married yet again. I honestly think that they never learned to be by themselves and comfortable with that.

As a comment to everyone, yes, today was a little more challenging for me. My anniversary is coming up in a week (wouldve been married 27 years) and my daughter has her 25 birthday four days later. Around holidays, birthdays and other special events that were common to the two of us, it is more difficult. Outside of that, I have many things I enjoy. I got rid of our old house and downsized to something for me, I have a motorcycle (which I need to ride more) and I spend time with family. I do appreciate everyones comments whether they are supportive or concerned or both

Thank you all!

[Cristy]

Cristy, thanks. I am good. I think I actually still have one session left from my original 3 session package from ten years ago, lol.

I am actually doing pretty good. I have times when i am sad and others where i am really good.

I sold the family home and downsized tremendously, bought a new motorcycle a couple of years ago, and have some good memories when I took a Route 66 trip with my youngest.

Chat with you later

Hello missmyfriend,

I'm glad that you have taken advantage of our DB Coaching program. I'm getting the impression that you are back after all this time in search of something that has been missing. Let's go ahead and schedule the remaining prepaid session. Please call me at 303-444-7004 to determine the best time.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[EastTN]

Absolutely heartbreaking. Best of luck with your situation, I hope it works out for you.

[Tread]

missmyfriend,

I honestly don't see how you could wait all this time. Your W has moved on and your still here waiting. That is some faith you have here. Guess my question for you is that you say your happy. But don't you deserve to have someone for yourself? I at least hope that you have been dating at some point during the lat 11 years.

[missmyfriend]

Cristy, I actually stopped by to see if any of my old friends were still on here from several years ago. I thought I would share where I am at for anyone in a similar situation. It's really challenging to share everything in my life and where I am emotionally over all these years but one thing I am happy about is that I have learned to be on my own and fine with it. I could have easily made a mistake and gotten into another relationship just so I could try to remove the pain of losing my R with my W. If I need to talk, I will definitely call. Whenever I am down, I read scripture. Cheers me up right away. I also consider all of the blessings in my life and don't focus only on the things i have lost or challenges that I am facing. At times I fall into my old routine of feeling self-pity. Thank you!

EastTN, thank you! I hope things are going well for you as well.

Tread, I wouldn't expect you to understand (I am not saying that in a derogatory manner). I will say that I have read many of Michele's books so we cannot possibly know what our S is thinking or what they are doing or going to do. That is their issue. We can only focus on ourselves. Not that it will happen to me but I personally know a surprising number of couples that were separated for more years than what i have gone through. One couple was apart for over 25 years and it didnt appear their marriage would ever be restored. No indications of resolution.

Tread, this program ends when a person says it ends. Divorce isnt always the endgame for people unless they say it is. While I do not ever try and tell people what to do, ie they should stay standing or something similar, i do caution them when they get into another relationship before they are ready.

I don't know if my marriage will ever get restored (this site is about restoration and learning how to handle the disruptions and how to interact with your S or ex spouse so as to stop damaging your relationship). For me, I had to get a lot of things fixed with me. During that time, I realized that I didn't have to be in a relationship to be happy. It seems to bother others a lot more than it does me

I wish you the very best!

[missmyfriend]

Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality.
Colossians 3:19‭-‬21‭, ‬23‭-‬25

[Zues126]

Missmyfriend, thank you for your post.

I don't believe our society places enough value on marriage. Parenting- yes. Being a mother or father is our most important duty, one that can never be sacrificed. We don't give up our teenage children for adoption because they aren't fulfilling us as parents, that would be considered incomprehensible. Yet being a spouse is too often considered 'at will employment'.

Unfortunately many people are in it for the wrong reasons. It's about what they GET from the marriage. What their spouse does for them. How they provide companionship, or financial support, or sex, or feelings of importance, emotional intimacy. Nothing wrong with any of that- until, that is, those things take priority over more important things. Things like serving God, each other, our communities by being a strong value based family, and living to give rather than to receive.

Missmyfriend, your W may have left and refused the gift of your commitment, but you still get to look in the mirror and know you gave it. You kept your vows. You retained your identity. You are following what you believe God wants from you. I totally respect that. The fact is that there is no one else that can be your wife, so trying to replace something that is irreplaceable just isn't possible. And while you can't stop divorces as a whole, you can cast your vote and model your values for those you meet and the children you raise. If that keeps even one child of yours to stay faithful and committed in a lifelong partnership in today's crazy world then you have done a great thing IMHO.

I could say so much more, but I don't want to detract from what I've already written or go on a tear so long I never finish. So for now I will just say one more time I admire your commitment. I understand where the others are coming from in that you don't want to be a perpetual victim, or bitter, or martyr like, or trying to punish with guilt, or most of all of being unappreciative for what God has given you that you still have to celebrate. But I don't get that sense from you at all. I think you are celebrating what you have, and still retaining what you can from the most important promise you made to your creator. Thank you for sharing.

[Anchor]

Missmyfriend

I just wanted to say a big thank you, for posting. I've written this post a couple of times and never sent it because I wasn't sure what it 'contributed', but I just wanted to say thanks. It's good to know there are people like you out there in the world.

I don't know what I am doing myself, but I guess technically I am standing. I don't want to stand, not by a mile. But more than anything else I want to do what is God's will. I've learned the hard way things don't go so well when you try to do what you want instead of what He wants. I don't know if God wants me to stand per se, but I know this much - he wants me to forgive WH and love WH. I just can't figure out how I should love WH - as a man or as a brother?

I know what what you mean by other people being more bothered by your stand and not seeing other people than you are. I guess it's because they're afraid we're going to waste our lives or something. And what it might mean for them if they tried standing too.

When I was thinking about this I was reminded of a diagram I read in a book about feeling fear and doing stuff anyway. In the first illustrative diagram, it was a square with marriage written in the middle, and a small bit of it portioned out for other stuff (friends, family, work, hobbies etc). In the second (more healthy) square, the square was divided into other squares, all of the same size. And in each box, was a word for all these components of our lives - marriage, family, friends, work etc.

The argument, I guess, is that if you're living by the first box where the marriage is the be all and end all of your life, then yes, to stand means to effectively stop living a healthy, happy life. But if you apply the second paradigm, then it just means that one of your boxes, of many, is empty.

I hope you will keep posting.

[missmyfriend]

Two excellent posts that I hadn't read until now. Thank you Zues and Anchor.

I have been away because there is so much going on. The reason I stopped by is that I lost a dear uncle that I feel has gone too soon.

Often, he would talk to me about my situation and he also wanted me to see other women. Of course, he had been married three times but his last marriage was the one that stuck.

He was a very good man that knew how to love others and he was a shrewd but fair business man as well.

Goodbye Uncle. I will miss you terribly.

[J5K]

Missmyfriend

Reading your post gave me a sense of happiness. I felt like you know who you are and have taken a lot of time to reflect on the man you want to be. I admire that. That is strength and stability.

[missmyfriend]

Nearing 13 years, I am still in pretty good spirits. Lately I have been depressed probably because I realize my mortality is becoming more obvious. I am relatively healthy, getting in shape both because I want to be in shape in general plus I am going on a cruise in December of 2019. I don't want to be in bad shape when I go and do not want to tire easily.

It is hard for me to believe I am 56. I still feel no different when I was in my early 30s. But with more relatives passing, my mother is ill (and I dont know how long I will have her in my life) and friends that are getting older (them, not me, lol), I am realizing I wont be around forever.

Just in the past couple of days, I have thought about my "wife" more often. I know that if she and I are ever restored, it would be divine intervention. Only He could have anything to do with it. I am not expecting anything. In fact, I am open to a new relationship only if it seems like it is supposed to happen. I am not seeking a relationship.

Ideally, I would have a friend to hang with, go on trips, etc. I am not worried about being in a relationship. I just want to have someone that is my friend.

I just wanted to briefly check in. I dont know if there is anyone still on the forum from back 12 years ago that even knows me but it feels good to stop in after being away for well over a year.

I hope life finds everyone well.

[DavidUK]

Relatives of mine were married for decades, then separated for 14 years but are now back together.

[AnotherStander]

Lately I have been depressed probably because I realize my mortality is becoming more obvious. I am relatively healthy, getting in shape both because I want to be in shape in general plus I am going on a cruise in December of 2019. I don't want to be in bad shape when I go and do not want to tire easily.

Right there with you! I turned 58 last month, so yeah 60 is knocking on the door and I'm not answering, LOL! Personally I think staying healthy is key in combating age though. I go to CrossFit 3 times a week and a conventional gym 3 times a week. I eat well and stay active. I have a very young girlfriend who gives me a lot of energy too. I actually feel healthier and stronger than I did in my 40's. I definitely have thoughts about how much longer I'm going to be around, and think about how a heart attack or stroke could quickly add 20 years to my age but hey, all we can do is take care of ourselves as best we can and keep plugging along!

Just in the past couple of days, I have thought about my "wife" more often.

I'm just curious, when you think about her what are you thinking? Do you miss her, and still want to reconcile after all this time? Do you have much contact with her? I see my XW at least once a week because we still share custody of S16 for now. For the longest time she seemed like an alien, so when I was around her it didn't make me miss our marriage because she didn't even really resemble who I was married to. But the last couple of years she has slowly become more like the W I knew and loved. Much more mellow and relaxed and that old quirky sense of humor has come back. I honestly have no interest in reconciling at this point, but it's interesting to see that after all these years she's becoming her old self again. Wondering if you see any of that in your W?

Ideally, I would have a friend to hang with, go on trips, etc. I am not worried about being in a relationship. I just want to have someone that is my friend.

Do you think she would be interested in that?

I dont know if there is anyone still on the forum from back 12 years ago that even knows me but it feels good to stop in after being away for well over a year.

The north remembers! (Game of Thrones reference )

[missmyfriend]

DavidUK, that is amazing!

I have a coworker whose parents divorced when he was 3 (he is now 29) and they got back together almost 5 years ago and remarried.

[missmyfriend]

AnotherStander, thank you for your comments.

My ex and I were together for a long time but when I think of her, I feel more sad about the impact to our kids. It was pretty devastating to them because she really wasn't the mom she had been. She was done when she left, not just with me. It was like she had become a stranger. I have had to let it go with how she handled things, again more about how it affected our children than what it did to me.

As far as reconciling, I would be very hesitant because I don't know if I could trust her again. I would prefer that we were friends and nothing more however I don't think that is very likely. I also don't think she can be just friends with me. She commented years ago that she would be afraid to fall into old habits.

Glad to hear you stay in shape. I think it is critical to an overall feeling of well being, physically and emotionally. I really let myself go and can feel much better just in the last couple of months working out, both resistance training and cardio. I will never go back to a sedentary lifestyle again.