the comments about being "disposable" resonates b/c as Leah said, we ALL have felt or do feel that way at times.
I mean, none of us "wanted" to be here, even if we were the ones to file. Please understand that.
My h has not spoken or even texted our 3 kids in 7 months, including on their birthdays. Has not seen them in almost a year.
What did THEY do to deserve this? It's a 35 year marriage, T3...that is about your age, right?
So I get it. But we all just have to let go of how they feel about our r or us. They are not our mirrors.
My T said "do not look at yourself thru your h's eyes. It's like looking at yourself thru the eyes of a disordered, dishonest man. It's just NOT accurate."
T3, my h sleeps in a bed with OW now. In her home, with her child.
Writing that^^ $ucks. A lot. But it hurts less, in part b/c I just STOP going there.
And partly b/c I just have no control over that and it does help me to know "hey 25, when you cannot "do" anything about this, you have to let it go."
I'm getting better at that. A lot better.
You will too.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you everyone for stopping by and offering advice and/or support. You guys know how to make a girl feel special
I just re read this thread twice to let everything sink in... hopefully.
I am waiting until next week to file, and I WILL do it, but I have to move a few things around before I can, if that makes sense without giving too much away. It's something the L recommended to me. Those of you who were here last time remember H hiding/taking pre-marital assets last time... I need a few days to take care of those things.
Anyway, I had a quiet night. I have some of the best friends anybody could imagine. The funny thing is they are all couples that are our mutual friends. Everyone is furious with H. I haven't given details just that he's 'done'. He is so concerned with his image and acts so fake and happy in front of the parents like at soccer games half of the people didn't believe me especially after just seeing us together last weekend.
H came in around 9pm, the boys were swimming at a friends. I did what Ownit said and I was sitting on the couch watching TV with the baby working on homework. H came and sat down and watched TV and I didn't get up and leave like I normally would. We talked about the soccer game we were watching and kept it quiet. He shuffled his papers around that had all the bills written out and I didn't bite. He offered to take the baby so I could study so I let him. He offered to pick the boys up but I declined I said I wanted to go see the parents. H went to say goodnight to the boys and said goodnight to me.
My eyes are so so heavy. Tomorrow is my last day at the endocrinology office!! I am off of school as of Friday until August 16th! I start back at work on Monday for the first time since April so no 'real' break but at least I won't have homework to do for a bit.
I'm taking the boys to Universal tomorrow with 2 of their friends after I get done in the office around 1. I am a glutton for punishment Good ole Florida heat and tourist mania. I am not crazy enough to bring the baby at least lol I have to draw the line somewhere.
I talked to my brother awhile on the phone and one of my good friends. I felt better after those conversations. Everyone says H is an idiot and lives the life of Riley. That he had it made and if he couldn't be happy here he will never be happy. I know it sounds dumb but it makes me feel better that others that are close to us can reaffirm that I'm not some monster that forced him to leave.
Anyway, really thank you everyone for your kind words and for taking time out of your lives to post to me.
Oh and Maybell - yes it was a resident from work we went out a couple times that's when H started coming back around. Actually, when we went to dinner where he asked to work on the M, I told him I was kind of seeing someone else lol... I continued talking to that man for the first few weeks of H trying to come back. It drove him nuts. He would always ask if I cut it off with him yet or if he knew that H wanted his family back, that he didn't have history with me like H does, etc etc.
Everyone in my life says H will have a heart attack when he sees me with someone else. Especially if it gets to the point where he sees someone with our boys. That is a long long way away.
oh and 25 -- i can't believe your H, well I guess I can, but what a you know what.
You are so strong and still young and I'm sure men out there are much wiser then some of the young men my age lol
I don't really have any words for you, 35 years, there's nothing I can say to even make any sense of it. Other than I'm sorry and it's obviously his loss.
The disposable feeling is awful. If it helps, after 19 years, my STBXH didn't think either me or our marriage was even worth telling me why he wanted a D. He just did the MLC Vanisher thing and refused to respond to any communication about anything for months and months. The cruelty and irrationality of it was/is horrendous. And the shock from a man who cherished me for years and years.
But, I kept reminding myself that reality - of me, of our life - was not best judged through the eyes of a person who could behave like this. It isn't about me, or even our pretty good marriage. It is about him. Right now your H is a rubbish human being - please don't let his opinion carry more weight than 'meh'. xx
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
T, if it makes you feel better to know that everyone loses their cool and says and does stupid stuff in the moment, read my thread on my meeting with my H. It is sad and cringe-worthy, but oddly fascinating (for me anyway).
You are doing great. Just keep moving forward and stick to your guns.
I always come to your thread hoping for your H to come to his senses and see what he gave up. I struggle thru the whole how can you throw our family away as well. I empathize with you. And hope you can find the inner peace you deserve and desire
Planning on having the conversation with H. Fed up with him coming here when he's going to Another woman's house and planning vacation and concerts with another woman. Not sure how many different ones there are.
Just wondering if I should just send a text vs having the conversation in person.
This was what I was planning on saying. Any advice or critique welcome
H, you have made it clear you are not interested in our M anymore. I will not tolerate you going to Ow house, planning vacations, and disrespecting the boys and I. I want you out by Friday.
Advise? Don't text, don't call, and don't talk about any of this! It won't serve you in any way and also you may end up feeling worse about yourself! This is the anxious and insecure T reacting out of emotion. You feel out of control and so you are trying to control him. Strong and confident T would not bother with this. Also, you are paying a L, so just take that advise for now--she told you not to have any talks about this right? That is why you paying her.
"H, you have made it clear you are not interested in our M anymore." --It serves NO ONE to tell him this. It just shows you are feeling weak and insecure. We ignore and don't care what he says about you or the M. Wahh whhaa whhhhaaaaa.
"I will not tolerate you going to Ow house, planning vacations, and disrespecting the boys and I. I want you out by Friday." --Yes, he is cheating, he is a dirtbag, and this would drive me insane too! But T, you telling him that you know about OWs changes nothing! He will not think "uh oh, T knows, I better stop cheating." If he is cheating, he will do it anyhow. Again, this only makes you look weak and insecure. It shows you are focusing on his every move and want to control him.
Strong and confident T, where are you??? We need you back. Just one day at a time. Strong and confident T cannot be bothered with texting, nagging, or trying to control H. You are not together right now, and so you are not in a place to tell him what he can and can't do. I am sorry, it stinks! I know because I was there 3 years ago. And guess what? I did tell him and say all of the above to my H. Often! What did he do? He ran further away and further to OW, who was telling him how wonderful he is! Bleh.
This is what you can do: see the L (which you have) and then follow the advise. The advise is NOT TO TALK TO HIM. Your actions will speak louder than words. You know this. In the mean time, you can start thinking about an arrangement that ultimately would be best for you and the boys. This guy is a selfish POS, please stop pursuing him!
Hang in there. One day at a time. Breathe.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
IF/WHEN there is a heads up about the filing, you don't mention HIS feelings. (Who cares what he wants or does?)
It's about what YOU want/need now and "from this day forward."
You want him out by Friday? Check in with your L about timing and you tell him you want him out by Friday. T3, what is there to say?
Don't even go there. It'll sound like the same old same old "nagging/always on my back/soooo distrustful, blah blah look what T3 did to ME!"
BTW your h will move out soon after you file, anyhow.
And no one who matters will believe his narrative about how you "Forced" him to move out.
Reality - a woman with a newborn and 2 other sons under 6, does not do this lightly.
The real world knows that, and no one else matters.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
