Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Jim1234 #2748346 06/26/17 03:34 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Jim1234

On a side note, went on a date on Friday. Pleasant evening, and we both agreed we're interested in just dating casually.


It's very common for LBS's to jump into a new R way too soon. I started about a year after S and looking back that was too soon, I probably should have waited at least another year. It's only been 2 months since your W moved out. I know you just want to get rid of the hurt and move on, but I can't imagine you're ready for another R this soon!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
"I started about a year after S"

That should say "started DATING about a year after S"


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I can't imagine you're ready for another R this soon!


I appreciate your input, and I think about it a lot. I agree wholeheartedly. I'm not ready for a relationship this soon. But I think I'm ready for casual dating.... maybe once a month having a companion for dinner, or someone with whom to go to a movie, or attend a ball game... and frankly, I wouldn't mind a little physical intimacy. That doesn't necessarily mean sex, but I wouldn't mind if it happened. I wouldn't be surprised if I realize you're right, and stop dating again.

I made that very clear to Friday's date, and basically, that's all she's looking for as well.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2749882 07/06/17 09:47 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
My niece is getting married this weekend. I took the kid's to my parents' for a visit this week before the wedding. My W's been very close to my family, but she asked weeks ago if it would be alright for her to go to the wedding, and I said "no".

As we were leaving on Tuesday, she called my cell and said that she was very hurt that she wasn't going to be able to attend. I acknowledged it, but didn't say anything else. In my mind, I was thinking, "well, that's one of the consequences of your choice to divorce."

I'm glad she's upset about it.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2753350 07/26/17 09:45 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Journaling, but with a question.....

We got back the decision from the support conference, and the amount I have to pay is acceptable to me (in fact, I'm satisfied it's fair, and all things considered, I'm pretty happy with it.).

She was reaching for the bass ring, and fell short by over $ 1000. She's not going to be happy about the amount of child support and alimony she's going to receive. I think her lawyer's been blowing sunshine up her ass, making her think she's going to get a huge check, but I'm pretty sure of the legal ground I stand on.

I know she's going to be pissed, and will probably appeal it and we'll have to go to court, where things will get pretty ugly and expensive.

We had discussions to try to come to an agreement before the decision was handed down, and got nowhere. I tried to apply Sandi2's rules, with some success.

I'm pretty sure she'll come crying to me about how she can't make ends meet, and I should work more so her alimony check will be bigger. I've told her many times the company has cut back on my hours, and have proof to back it up. I almost never work overtime so I believe there's no way a judge will order me to do so to make up the lost hours.

So, as a husband trying to reconcile with my wife, what do I do? Do a 180 and, where I used to be amenable, say "tough [censored]?" Do I validate her concerns, listen sympathetically, and compromise, even though she wouldn't accept any of the compromises I offered earlier, in order to avoid a costly and long legal fight? Something else?

Thanks for reading, and any help you have to offer.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2753381 07/26/17 12:29 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Jim,

Don't be a doormat. She made a bet that she would do better and did worse. Let her live with the consequences and understand she needs to pick her battles more carefully the next time.

OwnIt #2757906 08/24/17 03:26 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Well, here I am, a month later. Nothing's really changed.

She didn't appeal the court order, so C/S and APL are set, and I'm pretty satisfied. I'm pretty sure she just read down to the number, and didn't realize how much it's going to drop in a year when S17 graduates and the arrears is paid off. Not my problem.

I've been giving her space, going dark, GAL. Still exercising, still meeting friends for drinks/lunch, still golfing, still keeping the house tidy and clean, trying new things, having fun with the kids, spending time at my family's cabin (which she loved.... I'm sure she's bummed she'll not be invited again). Bought a new car. Something less than 27 years old (my current ride), with air conditioning (yeah!). Been on a few dates.

BUT

I just can't detach. I act "as if," but I still miss her terribly. She just bought two kittens. I'm allergic to cats. Knife in the heart. Going dark is easy 'cause I don't want to talk to her and remember how much I miss her. I've been on a few dates, but I know I'm emotionally unavailable. I enjoy these women's company, but emotionally they don't mean anything to me 'cause I'm still hung up on her.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2758413 08/28/17 10:49 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Saturday morning I drove to a funeral of a family friend about an hour and a half away. Just as I was getting on the highway, the phone rings, and it's her. She says she's going to come to the funeral, too. I say "great, see you there." thinking she's going to ask me to drive together (which I would have said "no" to, because I'm tired of her always making me late), but she didn't. She apparently drove like a bat out of hell, because she showed up just as the service was about to start.

I was sitting on the aisle, with my parents, as she came up and said "Hi." I said hi, but didn't move. It was obvious she wanted to sit with us, so after an uncomfortable moment we scooted over for her. Part of me thinks I shouldn't have, but I can't decide if that was the right thing to do or not.

After the service, there was some food. She joined my parents and me at our table. Some small talk, and after about an hour we all went our separate ways.

Earlier in the week, I had invited some of our mutual friends to the pool for cocktails and appetizers, and drinks at my house after it closed. I thought she might have heard about it and asked at the funeral if she could come. I wasn't sure what my answer would be. As it was, she didn't mention it so it was a non issue.

Part of me wished she would have asked so I could deny her, part wishes she would have asked so I could have enjoyed her company, part of me wants to know she knew about it and is upset she wasn't invited, and part of me doesn't care. I need to work more on that last part.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2758439 08/28/17 02:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
Hey Jim,

In regards to detaching, your sitch is pretty new and it's going to take some time before you truly start detaching.

For me, detaching comes in small waves, and sometimes I slip and become attached again. I don't think there is any trick to expediting true detachment, only time can do that. Yes GAL, does absolutely help with detaching but I just don't think there is way to bypass a broken heart.

Keep doing what you're doing, eventually you'll get there.

Thornton #2758837 08/30/17 02:20 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Thanks, Thornton, I'm trying....


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard