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#2752654 07/23/17 11:27 AM
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This forum seems to be dying. How can that be? Did all the SSM people give up and move on? Anyway, it's sad to see the forum so deserted. I'm pretty sure all the LD folks didn't decide to just do it.

I was an active participant here for a couple years. I read Michele's books and thought the TED talks were great. I read everything on the forum, looking for answers and ideas. I'm old now and a lot has happened so I decided to share my story. Maybe someday it will help someone else and perhaps the telling will help me.

My SSM lasted 38 years. But thankfully we were not actually together all that time. I believed in the sanctity of marriage and remained a loyal but angry partner until I found out in 1998 that he had cheated on me and had some issues with porn. That's when I told him he had 10 years to clean up his act and become a real husband or I was leaving. I had no intention of living the rest of my life without sex. We had plenty of money and good insurance. I told him to address his issues. Doctors, psychiatrists, whatever he needed. I was willing to participate in therapy or do anything I could to help him. The only catch was he had to do it himself. I was not going to find a doctor and make his appointments for him. We agreed that 10 years was more than fair. I didn't nag. Maybe once a year or so I would ask him how it was going but I was pretty sure he was doing nothing.

That 10 years wasn't wasted time for me. I used it to GAL and make myself over into a new person. I lost weight, new hair, makeup, and clothes. For the first time in my life, I was a good looking woman. I went through everything in the house and purged till it hurt and then purged some more. I learned much later he told all his friends and relatives that loosing weight made me go crazy!

2008 came and I asked him what he had done and if he was ready to be a husband. My suspicions were right and he had done nothing. It took me a few months to get everything wrapped up but in September I packed up my car grabbed the dogs and moved 2500 miles cross country by myself. Right before I left he told me he never believed I would actually do it.

He stayed on my radar and called me every day. He wanted to get back together but my response was always to ask why. What had changed? And what did he have to offer? We had just started working on the D when he died from a heart attack at 61. I will always feel sorry for him. He missed out on a lot.

I meant it when I said I was not going to die sexless. I did what had to be done and kissed a few frogs. Then I met a real MAN who actually wanted me and liked sex as much as I did. For 2 old people, our sexploits were freaking legendary. For 5 years, we averaged 6 times a day and his personal best was 16 times in 1 24 hr period. He was amazing. Was.

We have been together for 9 years now and the first 5 were off the charts amazing. Then he developed ED and sex ended. It's been more than a year now without sex. Once again I am sexless. But he is trying and going to the doc because he misses it too. So far, no improvement and I don't hold out much hope. But at least I had those 5 good years. I guess I waited too long!

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Originally Posted By: patty13
Once again I am sexless.
But he is trying and going to the doc because he misses it too.
So far, no improvement and I don't hold out much hope.

It seems to me that there is more than one way to roll on this issue.
If he wants to FIX the problem then that should be half the battle.

I am interested in why if he wants to do FIX it why there is no movement?
I mean as I get older the desire is there even if the physical ability is not, so what gives?


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Hello patty13,

I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again.

I suggest you do some immediate damage control. Please call me to discuss our coaching program. The advice you will receive will be invaluable. Learn what to say and do, in a positive, productive manner. We can help.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

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Hey patty13. Do I know you? Did you have another username when you were here before? I was pretty active here from 2004 to about 2008 - back in the days of Hairdog, Honeypot, MJ, et al.

I'm back now too, but I don't have nearly the story you do. The cold, hard fact is that nothing has ever changed for me. I've had some success with GAL, but as we all know, that only goes so far and can never really replace what we want/need. I'm coming up on 42 years of SSM and I seriously doubt that we've had intercourse 100 times in that span. I've had two or three half-hearted handjobs in the last two or three years. I know nothing is ever going to change.

The only real development has been that I now have low T and the decreased libido from that has made things more bearable for me. It's all still there, I guess you could say that the low T has taken the edge off somewhat. But having said that, I also note that I AM back here looking around again. It still hurts.

If I do know you by another name, I'm sorry to make your (re)acquaintance.

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Originally Posted By: Bube
I now have low T and the decreased libido from that has made things more bearable for me.

My guess would be that being in a SSM that long would change your body chemistry as well as - uh AGE.
I know that I can not perform like I did when I was 20!


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patty13 Offline OP
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True. But add in age and the fact his insurance is VA. It takes months to get an appointment and you just keep your fingers crossed it doesn't get cancelled. All they have done so far is tell him he has anxiety about his performance.

Well, duh. I already told him that months ago. It doesn't take an MD to figure that out. Probably doesn't help that his partner is an expert on SSM. And yes, he knows all my stories and even knew my H for a while before his death. My past probably makes him even more anxious.

Tick tock. I guess I am impatient because I am getting nothing but older. At this rate it's going to take a year before he even gets a physical completed.

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Thanks! Unfortunately the money and great insurance I used to have doesn't exist anymore and I am poor. BTW if you die without a will did you know the spouse only gets half? Amazing how that works.

Anyway, I am poor now.

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patty13 Offline OP
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I am sure you do know me! I tried for several days to remember my old name but no luck. Is GEL still around? I remember her because I love her name!

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Sorry about the low T. Does that make it easier to live without sex? Or do you just not think about it as much?

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Seriously, how does 1 person end up in 2 SSM type relationships. Is it ironic or is it because *I* am the common denominator? I have examined myself as carefully as I could and I don't think there is any way I am a sex killer.

I have never turned him down. I am not a nag. I don't try to undermine him or make him feel like less of a man. I am pretty unfailingly kind. I do more than half the cooking, cleaning, etc. I am considerate of his wants and needs. And we still enjoy each other's company.

He says it is his problem. He takes ownership completely and says there is nothing I can do. He will talk about it but even discussing the issue ad nauseum doesn't change anything. I think I miss the intimacy as much as I miss sex. But intimacy carries with it a natural progression towards sex and triggers his performance anxiety. Sigh!

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